Headless Acrobat Haunts Castle!

Entire Country Loses Day!

Samoa woke up this morning to discover that Friday had simply disappeared!

Inhabitants of the tiny island near New Zealand took to the streets in fear, as it became apparent it wasn’t just the local alcoholics who’d woken up with a banging head ache asking where they were: the most sober Samoan was, in fact, asking when they were?

The country’s beleaguered Prime Minister Chronos stated: “I’m sure I had it yesterday – I only put it down for a second and when I went back for it, someone had moved it.”

Secretary of State for Culture, Cllr. Heuristic was initially furious – with Samoa once proudly boasting that it was the last place on the earth to see the sunset, the loss of the day had put them ahead of island rivals American Samoa and all the new 2012 merchandise would now go to waste. However, upon reflection, she stated:  “That’s unless we can offload it on American Samoa of course – and let’s face it, they only need a nice bright red marker pen to add “American” in front of the “Samoa” part – they’re not that fussy to be honest.”

Prime Minister Chronos was still perplexed mid morning, but quick to reassure his citizens, saying: “I know I had it when I went upstairs to get my glasses. I’ve retraced my steps and found my glasses, which I put down when I answered the phone - because my secretary was checking under all the beds - but the day just seems to have vanished into thin air. I’m sure it’ll turn up soon.”

Exclusive! Tedward Breaks Silence Over Jungle Death Threats

Beleagured Teddy Bear, Tedward, lifelong companion of actress and model Lorraine Chase, has finally spoken out about the threats and abuse he's received during his stay in ITV1's I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here jungle.

The 60 year old Steiff/Michtom cross, who has since been offered the starring role in a remake of the classic 2006 film, The Teddy Bear Master, had remained silent on the running battles with fellow celebrity, Pat Sharp, which resulted in Sharp being beheaded and burned at a stake over the camp fire. However, following reports that Australian Police had demanded Tedward be handed over immediately for questioning, Lorraine insisted that Tedward give his side of the story to show that he wasn't a conniving, nasty flea-ridden scumbag.

Tedward was smuggled out of camp and spoke to our nature expert, Phil Oddboddie, at a secret location.

"Look, you got no idea what that git put me through! I had to sit through 24 hours of "the 80s this" and "the 80s that" and then he started singing that bloody god-awful song and urging us all to join in. On the fifteenth chorus I just snapped! And I weren't the only one neither - Antony was practically slitting his wrists - which fair enough, he's threatening that most days anyways - and Fatima was demanding to know, "Chant what, exactly" and just wouldn't let it drop, she kept on with "You keep telling us to chant but you're not telling us what to chant! If you're going to demand we do something you have to justify it. We always did that in the Olympics, we didn't ask the fans to chant just anything, they had to be specific about who and what they were chanting for and so should you" - anyways, so then Ant'n'Dec called the police and snitched on me, saying I was the trouble maker and getting far too much attention - specially when I started trending on Twitter, that really wound 'em up; they've never trended on Twitter. So no, I don't regret what I did; it's about time the world got real about teddy bears - we're sick of this "oh, aren't they cute" crap. Wise up, people, the Teds are coming."

Ant'n'Dec, 72, were unavailable for comment, apart from a message that appeared in their Twitter feed this morning, which said: @planetjedward Stuffed the bear! Lmfao A. Pls put cq in post, lol xx ;) D. #imaceleb

image: nastyhobbit.org

RHS Reports 'Confused Plants' causing 'Havoc'.

A spokesman for the Royal Horticultural Society has admitted that the unseasonably summery weather is causing major confusion amongst the plants and flowers at their flagship Wisley garden.

Strawberries and rhododendrons, who were not expected to bloom again until the Spring, suddenly burst out of their orderly rows with sunglasses and picnic baskets and were heading for the seaside, before gardeners managed to grab their roots and pull them back.

And orchids in the Glasshouse Garden were said to be wandering aimlessly, scratching their heads and bashing into the glass, with the result that the local double glazing firm, WindowPain Is Us, were rubbing their hands in glee.

An insider was quoted as saying: "Forget the Root Zone, it's more like a Riot Zone in there right now!"

Desperate Editor Stalks Media Mogul in Proper Job Shock!

Attractive, blonde and desperate, The Scatter Editor, 27, *coughs* today applied via Twitter to Northcliffe Media's South East boss, @alangeere, for a proper job.

Northcliffe Media regional chief, Geere, 35, famous for such titles as The Corner Shop Chronicle and Next Door Neighbour's Gazette, decided he'd had enough of Dear Sir or Madam letters and monstrous CVs, insisting that all future job applicants apply via social media network Twitter.

Reports that the Trinity Mirror Group have subsequently flooded Facebook with job adverts are completely without substance. However, an insider at The Sunday Sport has confirmed that they will be allowing potential recruits to apply to them via Youtube, stating: "We anticipate many applications filmed in a mud bath, featuring either Elvis or Michael Jackson, and quite frankly, we can't wait!"

Dancing On Ice’s Jason Gardiner in Love Split

Dancing on Ice’s Mr Nasty, Jason Gardiner, is said to be “extremely upset” and mourning the loss of his comb, after his newly transplanted hair decided enough was enough and moved out of the palatial council flat they’d shared for six months.

Jason's estranged transplant, left, now in hiding at a friend's house.

Gardiner, 72, well known for his acidic remarks to the popular skating show’s contestants, has been accused by the transplant of being massively possessive, saying that it could only deal with so much insecurity. Speaking from a friend’s bathroom cabinet where it was hiding away from the press, the transplant said:

“It was a wonderful relationship to begin with but as I grew more confident, Jason became more and more jealous, to the extent he was even covering me up in public. The final straw came when he wrapped a towel round his head when a friend came to call, pretending he’d just washed me.“

In a bad week for the reality show judge, Gardiner is also being investigated by the RSPCA for inhumane treatment of a bloodsucking sand fly, which died after biting him.

Medway Councillors Speed up Chatham Regeneration!

Councillors on the annual Medway Council Beano to Fort Amherst today finally decided to demolish Chatham once and for all.

Alligator Found Behind Sofa!

" I was just looking for change," he claimed "every little helps in this current economic climate!"

Pro Celebrity Ryder Cup Hailed a Success

The brand new format for golf's prestigious Ryder Cup tournament has been hailed a success on just the second day of the competition. The inclusion of major A-List stars and a serving President had sent both the TV ratings and the attendance figures at the event in City of Newport's Celtic Manor Resort itself, soaring.

The news that the US team were including President Barack Obama had initially been met with scepticism by golfing commentators, but his excellent performance during the opening foursomes, alongside actor Samuel L Jackson, had even veteran Peter Alliss purring contentedly.
Europe, in the form of ex-premier Gordon Brown and TV host Dale Winton, had no answer to the masterful stroke play by the President and official coolest man on the plant, Jackson, who fought back valiantly when Winton tried to foist a hand made, multi coloured waistcoat upon his person.

With Denzil Washington and Bruce Willis teaming up to whup the backsides of comedian Alan Carr (who thoroughly enjoyed the experience, asking if they could play again) and ex-world champion boxer, Chris Eubank, USA led 2-0 after the first sessions.

However, Peter Alliss was left fuming towards the end of the first day, when it was revealed that American TV crews had demanded someone more glamorous and familiar to US viewers and that he would therefore be replaced by Cat Deeley for the remainder of the tournament.

'Banned' Songs to Feature on Susan Boyle's New Album?

Susan Boyle has again entered the world of controversy, when it was revealed that she will be covering many previously banned songs on her new album.

With Radio One already declaring they would refuse to play the new single 'Relax', which SuBo has recorded with original Frankie Goes To Hollywood lead vocalist, Holly Johnson, talks are being held within record company, Sicko Columbia, to stem the growing tide of unease brought about by her decision to also record the Sex Pistols version of God Save The Queen.

An insider close to the singing sensation, known only as "Simon", said that the Scottish warbler was now "out of control" and "having delusions of hipness" brought on by the constant referencing to hip hop monicker 'SuBo'. It is also widely believed that she recently suffered an allergic reaction to peanuts, to which she was exposed at Los Angeles airport and that this has affected her ability to choose suitable songs.

Matters came to a head when Ms Boyle insisted on recording an acapella version of Lily Allen's 'It's Not Fair', complete with original lyrics. This has delayed the release date of the album, while producer, Steve Mac, battles with the star to change her mind.