Saturday Review: Ben Fogey’s Extreme Creams

With more people living longer and keeping fitter than ever before, a new BBC programme is welcoming volunteers from the over 60’s age bracket to participate in a new adventure game show.

A global itinerary will take them on mind blowing trips all over the world, to sample experimental ointments, lotions and liniments, that may help sufferers of despairing conditions such as gout and flatulence. Some of the challenges faced will be playing adventure golf on a slight incline in Peru, where a new tincture is said to alleviate all feelings of dizziness, and a special balm is said to be most soothing on blisters erupting during a descent of the final hole.

Ben said he was very excited to be leading a team of this nature and was quick to point out all the challenges they may face. “We’ll be facing a time deadline on all our challenges, I only hope the altitude changes won’t affect anyone too much. It will be devastating if they’re unable to finish the course. And I promised them they‘d be back in time for the Peruvian version of Countdown.”

Train Delays Due to Tea Breaks

A whistleblower has revealed why South Eastern Railways suffer more delays than any other service. Local union officials have put in place a new schedule for breaks, insisting that every staff member must have a ten minute break every hour, regardless of where there are - even drivers halfway between two stations.

“These schedules must be arduously adhered to, or else you’ll have chaos across the network. The breaks are rigorously worked out to the last minute to ensure a smooth transition into each station, with station staff and drivers co-ordinating effectively.” Babbled a union representative, trying to justify himself by blinding everyone with science.

The service faced criticism, when the 10.14 Chatham to Victoria was delayed for twenty minutes, due to a member of station staff at Bromley being caught short and having to wait for a colleague to return from tea break, to release the member of staff who had the key to the toilet roll cupboard.

Medical Scam Exposed

Medical experts have finally admitted that the conditions known as Guitar Nipple and Cello Scrotum were completely made up. Said to afflict various members of orchestras, rocks stars and Andrew Lloyd Webber, the two conditions were put forward as excuses for duff musicianship in the 70’s, particularly when Punk Rock exploded on the scene.

The revelation means that disability benefits for hundreds of musicians will be cut immediately and some may face demands for repayment to the DSS. Those particularly affected include sufferers of Saxophone Lip, Harp Finger and Violin Elbow.

Best Job in the World

Tower Hamlets Council has launched a global search for candidates for "the best job in the world" - earning a top salary for lazing around a beautiful island for six months.

Town Hall Chiefs said: “The Isle of Dogs is a wonderful place, with the café’s, bars, water sports and a top international hotel and we want someone who is prepared to sample everything it has to offer and promote it through a video blog.”

Duties include regular treks through the Greenwich foot tunnel, cleaning duties at the City Farm and marshalling during the London Marathon, but the employee is also required to go windsurfing in Canary Wharf, shop ‘Up West’ and enjoy the nightlife of at least 25 nearby resorts, such as Bethnal Green and Barking.

The remuneration package includes £150,000, accommodation in a luxury three-bedroom house in the heart of Docklands and transportation to and from all areas. No skills or experience are required for the job that starts in October and there is no age restriction. Recruiters say: “We are looking for someone who is dynamic, charismatic and interested in the world of light railways."

Applicants must submit a one-minute video expressing interest in the Docklands Light Railway, a vast network connecting nearly the whole of the East End with the City and classed as one of the seven wonders of the UK Rail Network, in that it generally runs.

Mariah Blasts Long Lost Illegitimate Twin

Mariah Carey was said to be “distressed and dismayed” at being snubbed by new U.S. President Barack Obama at his inauguration dinner. Barack and Mariah both discovered to their shock and surprise, respectively, that they shared the same birth mother. Mariah therefore fully expected to be sat at the family table for the celebration but instead found herself with all the other celebrities bumping up their profiles.

Oi, Mariah -NO!

The Obamas had been advised by a clairvoyant, that a son born to them would grow up to be a respected politician, who would bring change for good to the whole world. They were told a daughter would bring embarrassed giggling but also some kittens, so it wasn‘t all bad. But they decided not to take any chances and the twins were separated at birth, with Mariah put up for adoption.

Mariah’s populist issued the following statement on her client‘s behalf: “To some it may seem trivial, but I think as the illegitimate twin-sister of the President, it’s not too much to ask is it? It’s true we only just found out, and the seating plan was all arranged, but still, they could have slipped an extra chair at the side. I know I’ve got this reputation as a diva, but I wouldn’t have minded the table leg.”

Formula One Manufacturers Follow African Lead

Due to the ongoing cash crisis in Formula One, leading teams Williams and McLaren have sent a team of engineers to Africa, where motorcycle taxi drivers are cost cutting to great effect by introducing new designs in crash helmets.

Dried fruit shells (particularly coconuts), paint pots or pieces of rubber tyre tied to the drivers heads with string, are currently undergoing rigorous tests in the hope they’ll be passed by the governing body in time for the new season in March.

The favoured design so far is the calabash - dried shells of a pumpkin sized fruit, usually used as a bowl. Although, some experts feel that the added protection given by steel pots and pans fastened with cable ties may offer a better way forward.

Sunday Supplement: Packaging Contains What it Says on the Label?

Consumers Associations were at war today with the Legal Profession, after a spate of cases involving shocking allegations over food labelling.

Since the compensation culture went mad, companies such as Cadbury’s are now labelling their Dairy Milk Chocolate ‘May Contain Milk’ and there are reports that Sun Pat may follow, with ‘May Contain Peanuts and Butter’. Bird’s Eye are also said to be considering ‘May Contain Chicken’ on their Chicken Dippers.

The new influx of cases stem from consumers who feel that they are “being made to look stupid” and “treated like we’re imbeciles” because of the assumption that they are incapable of rational thought. Unfortunately for all sides, this appears to be the majority of the public and the collective payout could exceed all previous records.

A spokesman for The Happy Egg Company, whose new advertising slogan has been slammed because of its blatant disregard for the feelings of normal people, stated: “We just said its got eggs in it, that’s all. Just Eggs. It Contains Eggs.”

He was immediately served with a writ on behalf of various consumers, who accused him of stating the bloody obvious, being condescending and for brazenly repeating the offending phrase in a public place.

Saturday Review: World Record for Longest Speech Smashed

After rambling non stop for 124 hours about Salvador Dali, Catalan culture and other topics, 62 year old Frenchman Lluis Colet broke the world record for the longest speech, by speaking for five days and four nights in the southern French town of Perpignan.

However, unofficial reports put the record at 46 years, 235 days, six hours and counting and is being set by Mrs Ada Gaffney, 61, of Laburnum Close, Hemel Hempstead, who has been continually nagging her husband without pause for breath since 1962. Even at bedtime, Eddie Gaffney, 64, gets no peace, since Ada talks in her sleep.

Psychiatrists and medical experts are flummoxed as to how Ada keeps on going. With cameras and recording equipment set up around the clock, they’ve struggled to explain the phenomenon. The general consensus is that it’s a reflex in the larynx or a trapped nerve in her tongue.

Mr Gaffney termed it ‘Nagginitis’ and said he thinks it’s hereditary. And since he actually went deaf thirteen years ago he's past caring, saying: "At least she's does a nice roast."

Sumo Wrestles President

It was reported today that ex-French President Jacques Chirac, 76, was hurt during a botched assassination attempt by his pet poodle, Sumo.

Sumo was brainwashed by left wing extremists who trained him to attack when triggered. Unfortunately, the pampered poodle struggles to retain information, so the training took far longer than expected and Chirac lost power to Nicolas Sarkozy in May 2007, before it could be completed. As a result of the techniques employed by the extremists, Sumo began to suffer from bouts of depression and paranoia and it appears the medication he receives may have triggered the urge to kill.

A spokesman for the extremists stated: “We were always fearful when we were with Sumo; there was no telling if he might suddenly turn. He became impossible to work with, so unpredictable; we’d almost abandoned hope of him performing. And then Chirac goes and loses the election! And since we’re extremists and therefore pretty uncaring, we just shoved the dog back in his kennel to get on with it.”

The ex-President, who was bitten in the Dordognes, was said to be recovering well, whilst Mrs Chirac admonished him for upsetting Sumo by squealing in agony “like a girl.”

Immigrants Found in Lettuce

A shipment of lettuces from an undetermined eastern European country, was today discovered harbouring two hundred illegal slugs.

Customs officials at Dover raided the lorry following a tip off than slug slime could be seen oozing through the door hinges and sprung into action to prevent the unsavoury creatures from being despatched across the country.

A representative for domestic slugs was aghast at their European counterparts audacity and was heard complaining loudly about ‘Bloody foreigners, coming over here and pinching our salads.’

Mint Crime on the Rise

A newsagent in Liverpool recounted the horror of the robbery at his shop today, when a gang of boys in tracksuits and hoodies rampaged through the store with a football, knocking over a box of cheese and onion crisps and causing a copy of the Radio Times to fly off the shelf, before making off with a bag of Everton Mints and two bags of Mint Imperials.

After conducting breath tests, Police will be questioning all the home fans at the next Goodison Park match, figuring that no self respecting Liverpool fan would be caught dead stealing Everton Mints.

Contestants Questioned After Attack on Ice Dance Judge

Jason Gardner (not the sprinter - he’s nice) was last night recovering after being beaten up and left to cry by the side of his car, in the car park of the ITV Studio where Dancing on Ice is filmed.

Following a particularly bitchy round of comments on Dancing on Ice on Sunday, where Jason outdid probably every female contestant in the history of reality shows everywhere, murmurings were heard in the female dressing room along the lines of: “You get him!” “No, after you.” “No, you, I insist …”

Witnesses said they couldn’t see who was attacking Jason but did hear a deep, almost masculine voice saying: “Shut it, you slaaaaaaaaag, you 'ad it comin’”.

When approached by Police Officers to ask why they hadn’t helped Jason, the witnesses turned and legged it. However, all the female contestants in the show have alibis apart from Gemma Bissix, who is believed to have gone to visit family in the East and was uncontactable.

The Most Miserable Depressing Day in History. Ever. Apparently.

Here at The Daily Scatter offices, we had to agree with the misery experts who labelled this day Monday 19th January 2009, as the worst ever.

Lousy weather; Christmas debt; failed New Year Resolutions; time elapsed since Christmas festivities; motivation levels; the need for something to look forward to; wars; human rights abuses; knife crime; gun crime; financial insecurities - none of these compared with our Junior Reporter, Scottie, 18, tasked with the simple job of visiting the supermarket to stock up on the loo roll and sundry other supplies, committing the cardinal sin of forgetting the chocolate biscuits!

There was general outrage around the office at such a blatant misuse of time away from the desk. “I could have had a crafty fag break,” wailed Angela furiously, whilst Stan could be heard muttering about the lost chance of a swift half in the Slug and Lettuce, where he was following up a new story.

More bad news followed, as Pokina broke a nail, Hardeep put his spade though a worm, Des got jammy finger marks on his stress ball, Wendy laddered her tights and Phil found out that he had corned beef in his sandwiches, which he hates.

“Things will get better though, won‘t they?” ventured Scottie tentatively.

Not without the damn choccie biccies they won’t. Ed.

Sunday Supplement: New Format for Hells Kitchen

Contestants who enlist for the next series of Hell’s Kitchen face their biggest challenge yet, with not one but two bad tempered, twisted and evil chefs to contend with.

Dark Lords Vol-u-vent and Saurkraut have teamed up to whip the would be chefs into shape and issued the following statement: The *beep* better make *beep* sure they *beep* pay *beep* attention or else they’ll be shoving their *beep* ladles where the *beep* sun don’t *beep* shine.”

The celebrated Masters of Darkness also said they expect their minions, or celebrities, as the producers insisted on calling them, to be fully conversant with the etiquette involved in manning a kitchen of Hell.

“We’ll have none of that namby pamby whining about how hot it is - they’ll be in the Pantry of Doom preparing canapés with frequent trips to the Larder of the Netherworld so they better get used to it,” sneered skeletal thin Lord Vol-u-vent, 66, vigorously twirling some pizza dough.

“And if they cross me,” boomed heavily aproned Lord Sauerkraut, 347, “they’ll be sent to the Utility Room of Wretchedness. Sorting out those tea-towels will learn’em.”

“Yeah, yeah - and if they cross me, they’ll go to the Cooler of Woe,” stated Vol-u-vent, keen to show off his meanness.

“Well I can send them to The Scullery of Perdition,” countered Saurkraut majestically. “That floor always needs a good scrubbing - ”

“And my Spice Rack of Sorrow will sort out - ”

“That’s my Spice Rack - ”

Reports that the new series may be delayed to due artistic differences was denied by the producers.

Saturday Theatre Review: The Woodentops, Gulbenkian Theatre

Prince Edward makes a triumphant return to the theatre, producing and starring (in an award winning cameo appearance, see left) in a new production of children’s classic TV show, The Woodentops, now brought bang up to date and set in a flat on a North London housing estate.

All the regular characters are back, with the role of Daddy Woodentop taken by Martin Clunes. In this updated version, Daddy no longer does mens work in the fields, but is a teacher in an inner London comprehensive and is secretly making plans to run off with the school secretary. Mummy Woodentop played by Fay Ripley, is addicted to TV shopping Channels and wilfully neglects both her household chores and Baby Woodentop, who is left to cry in his cot throughout the entire performance (we’re assured by His Highness that the sound we hear is a recording and there is no real baby on stage).

Dame Eileen Atkins makes Mrs Scrubbit her own. No longer a kitchen helper, but instead the neighbour from hell, she is a thorn in the side of the twins and regularly calls the police to them, whilst the Twins, Jenny and Willy, are played by unknowns Lily and Ben Coppice, making their debut in the South East and impressing the critics with their professional attitudes and pronunciation of “Daaaahhling!”.

Rupert Grint takes on the role of Sam, who used to help Daddy Woodentop in the fields. Now, however, he tends only to his pot plants scattered around his flat, where he spends most of his time singing along to the Mamas and Papas naked, proving he most definitely wasn’t living in Daniel Radcliffe’s shadow.

In the biggest departure from the original show, Buttercup the Cow has been replaced by Boozy the Rottweiler and it’s his relationship with rascally hound Spotty Dog 'the biggest spotty dog you ever did see', that forms the main conflicts and action in this dark and disturbing portrait of modern family life.

Teenager Puts Mum in Hospital

Brighton teenager Tommy Bradford was reportedly distracted and sullen after being held responsible for his mother, Mrs Jenny Bradford, 48, being admitted to hospital and kept in overnight for tests. Tommy’s paternal grandparents, Fred and May Bradford, also blamed themselves for not sitting their daughter-in-law down first with a stiff Scotch, before mentioning that Tommy, 17, had turned up at their house at 10 am that morning to collect a birthday treat.

Mrs Bradford, caught off guard, fainted with the shock. Tommy surfacing before 2pm in the afternoon had become a very rare occurrence that last happened back in July, on the day he left school for a part time evening job.

Grandmother May was beside herself: “It’s all my fault, I didn’t think. Jenny walked in and I just put the kettle on and it slipped out - ‘Tommy came round this morning’ - I feel so responsible.”

Mrs Bradford was said to be recovering well, while Tommy had disappeared back into his room again, from where a thudding bass sound could soon be heard. Medical experts said this gave them hope that he would suffer no after effects as a result of getting up at such a reasonable time.

Mates Get Environmentally Friendly

In these days of tight budgets and environmental concerns, Mates are the first market leading brand to introduce re-usable condoms.

A spokesman for the company said: “The prophylactic industry is serious about reducing it’s carbon footprint and the amount of landfill it may be responsible for. Since recycling is not an option, re-use is the viable alternative. When you think, it’s no different to a contraceptive cap really.”

Reviewers were asked to rate the new condoms on a scale of “Waaahay!” down to “Your turn for the toilet roll run.” The results were due to be announced any day soon but in the meantime, some sceptics were, well, sceptical, as to how popular they would be. Wives and girlfriends, particularly, were the first to ask: “And who’s going to be washing it out then?”

The new re-usable condoms are available in an assortment of colours and varieties. One size fits all, apparently.

Johnny Depp “NO” to Pirates of the Caribbean #5

News that Johnny Depp has refused a seven figure sum to star in Pirates of the Caribbean #5 was met with a “Pfffft” by the casting agency.

“Actually, it’s kind of a relief,” said an inside source close to the production team. “We wanted things to be a bit more light hearted on the film set, but Johnny has a tendency to get right into character and finds it hard to let it go when the camera stops. So we felt that casting Ronnie Corbett instead was a masterstroke; soon as that camera stops, it’s straight over the chair by the fire for one of his amazing stories.”


Ronnie was said to be thrilled and already working out with fitness trainers to perfect the flailing armed run made famous by Johnny. However he had decided against sword fighting in favour of blowing raspberries and flan-flinging ‘like in the good ol’ days’.

New Breakthrough in Plastic Surgery

Dr. Brazier, a surgeon at the celebrated Somerfield Hospital has finally given the go ahead for Under Flesh Heating to be made available. Radical, economical and energy efficient, this new procedure is set to revolutionise the energy industry, as prices increase and renewable resources continue to appear threatened.

The supermarket chain branched out into plastic surgery late last year, banking on the shallowness of the British public in prioritising their luxuries instead of their necessities during the recession and said that takings had already seen a substantial increase.

According to Dr.Brazier, the relatively simple procedure works in the same way as under soil and under floor heating. By laying simple acrylic tubes at pivotal points throughout the body, which are all attached by virtually undetectable wiring, the system can be plugged in overnight and be charged enough for a full day’s heating the next day.

Football clubs are already arranging group discounts for supporters clubs, to ensure that the club shirts can be proudly displayed in any weather, without the wearer suffering from hypothermia and/or frostbite. Which they do now, regardless of how many pies they think will warm them up.

ET Responsible for Turbine Calamity

In the cinematic autobiography of E.T: The Extra Terrestrial, we all thought we were watching the poignant story of a boy and his struggle to return a new friend to his home. However, following the destruction of a wind turbine in Lincolnshire, film chiefs have been forced to admit that ET was actually a raging alcoholic and the scene in the film where he pretends to get drunk was happening for real.

An insider said that ET, now retired from the film industry, has a holiday home in the UK and although the producers begged him to keep a low profile, ET was a “wilful little sod” and thought it hilarious to take his £350,000 Ferrari Saucer out after a bender, saying: “Well, it’s not like I’m going to hit anything, is it?”

Our source rolled his eyes and admitted ET was responsible for many of the aerial near misses reported around various parts of the country but had so far evaded capture by diving down onto farmland, camouflaging the Ferrari in hay and hiding in a barn.

Robert Palmer, 66, a local turkey farmer, said he saw a bright white light with an orange edge in the sky, as he drove by the turbine early that morning. This was explained by a local alien hunter, who stated that as a general rule, the indicators on all Ferrari Saucers were located on the outside of the headlights.

The broken arm of the turbine was found in a crumpled heap at the bottom of the turbine, covered in an unidentified glittery dust. Eyewitnesses reported seeing a small, furtive looking, blonde pony-tailed woman in green fleeing the scene, but she has so far failed to come forward with any information.

Sunday Supplement: Angela Rippemoff’s Dancing On Ice Confidential - “He’s Just Not Chris!”

The Secretary of the Chris Fountain Fan Club - ‘Chris’ Cuties’, as they’re known, has spoken out at their sadness over Frankie Poultney being partnered with Ellery Hanley, in the new series of Dancing on Ice.

“Well, naturally we’re concerned, as he’s a very fit sportsman who could quite possibly beat some of our wonderful Chris’ scores and take Frankie all the way to the title.” Wiping away a tear, Mrs Melanie Ancholy, a middle aged woman who should know better, said: “Chris losing last year was so upsetting for us; we can’t bear the thought that Frankie will win with someone else when it should have been with Chris.”

Mrs. Ancholy went on to say that her heart skipped a beat when watching some training clips: “My heart skipped a beat when I was watching some training clips - Ellery looked just like Chris from behind. Why couldn’t she (Frankie) have got Todd Carty instead? He’s a bit rough looking and admitted he ice-dances like a dad. It’s so unfair; if she (Frankie) wins with him (Ellery) we’ll never see Chris dancing on ice with Frankie again. And that makes me sad.”

Reports from neighbours that Mrs Ancholy had always been sad were hotly denied by the rest of the CCs.

Saturday Review: The Real Reason Behind Pietersen’s Decision to Walk Away from England Captaincy

Ex-England Cricket Captain Kevin Pietersen, today confirmed the rumours circulating that his wife‘s involvement in ITV Ice Show spectacular Dancing on Ice, was the real reason he relinquished the position.

Acknowledging that he couldn’t be in two places at once, Pietersen felt that his wife’s skating career, and subsequent re-launch of her brief but moderately successful singing career, were more important than leading England to glory against the Aussies in this year’s Ashes.

A source close to pretty ex-Liberty X singer Jessica Taylor, stated that the strapping ex South African batsman was the rock Jessica needed to lean on whilst finding her feet on the ice. “No-one knows that Kevin was actually a National Skating champion back in the day, when he was swimming and playing rugby for his country too. Naturally, he and Jessica felt he was far more equipped with teaching her. Plus, he didn’t like her partner, Pavel Aubrecht,
constantly feeling her up. Pavel denied this of course, asking how else was he supposed to lift/pull/push her along etc.”

Pietersen, famous for previously looking like a skunk, denied that he just wanted to keep an eye on his wife’s partner and that he wasn’t at all insecure or jealous in any way and IF HE PUTS HIS HAND THERE AGAIN I’M GOING TO TEAR HIS HEAD OFF.

Mass Breakout from Vampire Prison

The Home Secretary was today called upon to explain why yet another containment facility for Vampires appears to have failed in its duty. Since being given equal rights with humans and animals, Vampires are no longer handed over to The Slayer, but detained in prisons like any other dangerous criminals. Consequently, they engineer means of escape or mutiny like any other dangerous criminals and this has caused a major headache for the Government, who are under pressure to revert the demons to their former status.

Under European law of course, all beings are entitled to a fair trial but instances of intolerance are on the rise and officials recognise that the public’s feeling of safety is being undermined.

Junior Demons Minister Albie Van Helsing defended his department's handling of vampires by saying they did their best, but the activists just won’t stop moaning and his department cannot afford to upset the European Union, which would result in a one hundred million euro fine. He was looking very carefully into new facilities to house any convicted demons, but admitted that for the moment, they will have to remain in the existing centres.

Demon Rights campaigners were said to be pressing for a public inquiry into the conditions the vampires had been held in, which they believed led to the breach in security at the countryside facility (see left).

“Honestly,” stated Billy Burnett, a Refuser (those who refuse to read up on or believe in the folklore surrounding vampires as evil beings) “the place hasn’t seen a broom or a duster for years by the look of it. It‘s an outrage.”

The Queen’s Secret Fantasy World

The Queen (left) oft mistaken for Granny Weatherwax (right)

The recent Knighthood for Sir Terry Pratchett came as no surprise to the Queen’s ex -chamber maid, Shirley Bannatyne.

“Her Majesty has been a huge fan of the Discworld Series since the first one appeared. She’s got all the Unseen Library Editions, the Quiz book, the Science books, everything. And she never misses a convention - only, you wouldn’t know she was there of course, because she dresses up, like everyone else. And her secret service men have to dress up too, as trolls or golems or something, so as not to look out of place.”

Shirley went on to say that the dressing up doesn’t stop with the conventions either. “Well, since Sir Terry let slip to her that he modelled Granny Weatherwax on Her Majesty, the Royal Household commissioned the Royal Tailor to make a Mistrum Ridcully costume for Prince Philip - only he insisted he’d rather be Rincewind! Which Her Majesty wasn’t too pleased about - until he presented her with a sapient pearwood luggage box, complete with leg holes for the corgis! She absolutely adores it; Wills got her the role playing game and Christmas at Sandringham was a riot. Harry insisted on being Captain Carrot, Zara was the obvious choice for Susan Sto Helit and dear old Princess Michael was unanimously voted as Lady Margolotta.”

Shirley also disclosed that not everybody was thrilled that The Queen decided to single out the Discworld creator for her highest honour.

“Camilla isn’t a fan; in fact, her and Charles refused to take part in any of the games and chose instead to take refuge in the kitchen garden with the new season vegetables. Charles was unhappy that his choices for honours were overlooked again. But The Queen felt that an MBE to Russell Brand and a CBE for Jordan were unjustified. I heard Charles grumbling to Camilla before I left, that when he was King there’d be a few changes to the way honours are dished out.”

More Royal Rumours for Dancing on Ice

ITV refuse to confirm or deny the reports surfacing that the Prince of Denmark, Hamlet himself, is their next royal target for the new series.

Showbiz editor, Pokina Nosein, cornered the handsome Prince, who recently celebrated his 400th-ish birthday, in his local gentleman's outfitters, Primani, in the High Street and asked if it was true. “Yes! No! Well, I'm not really sure. I mean, I'd love to, of course, who wouldn't, but then again, it's a big commitment so I don't know. Perhaps not this series. Actually, who's to say the timing isn't right? Yes, I'd definitely do it. Maybe.”

Don’t miss our own Ice-Dancing Queen, Angela Rippemoff’s, regular reports when the new series kicks off on Sunday.

Right Royal Rumpus Hits ITV’S Ice Spectacular

Prince Charming was last night said to be “devastated” at the collusion of Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother in trying to broker a deal that would see Cinders taking part in popular ITV show Dancing On Ice - without him!

A source close to the couple said that trouble began when the Prince discovered Buttons apparently showing Cinderella how to hand jive while attempting an arabesque, on their specially commissioned ice rink in the Palace Gardens.
Cinderella (above) puts on a brave face at a recent meet and greet

After spending a good four hours teaching his true love to dance at the very first ball she attended, the Prince sees this as the ultimate betrayal and is threatening Cinders with the tower (assuming they can evict sitting tenant, Rapunzel).

It’s well known that ITV bosses have been hankering after a Royal taking part in the show, in the hope that host, Philip Snowfield, will at long last receive the Knighthood everyone knows he deserves. “It would be a great honour and we cannot jeopardise the integrity of the show and have that slutty ex-commoner princess parading her lover around to the embarrassment of the Prince. So, with no regret at all, she’s fired.” Said an ITV Spokesperson, through gritted teeth, flanked by four Grenadier Guards and three corgis.

Urgent negotiations are now taking place to entice the Prince himself to appear in the show, however, difficulties are foreseen due to the fact that ladies have to curtsy on approach. According to Ice Dance Pro, Kristine Lean-to: “It will play havoc with our toe loops.”

'Spoons' Actor Signs for 'Dancing on Ice'

In what’s being seen as a major coup for ITV Light Entertainment, Hubert Bendy Bones, 76, star of long running kitchen soap ‘Spoons’ has apparently swapped his rubber gloves for spandex and a different set of blades, to star in the next series of 'Dancing on Ice', due to start Sunday. Speculation surrounding this year’s contestants has reached fever pitch this week.

A ‘Spoons’ insider commented: “Hube’s very excited to be asked, he loves both skating and dancing - the only demands he ever makes are for a selection of his favourite CDs in his trailer and an ice rink outside. We often hear ‘The Birdie Song’ or ‘Superman’ blaring out. And he throws the most amazing parties on his rink; he’s always first up on the ice. They keep it clear for him, though, specially since the unfortunate incident with the best boy during ‘The Rowing Boat Song’." The insider confirmed that oars had since been banned, adding: “Hube is a huge fan of Torvill and Dean, it would be a dream come true for him.”

Hubert, who plays maverick washer-upper Stud, 34, leaves 'Spoons' in an explosive cliff-hanger final scene, as boss Larry throws a wobbler when being served double expresso instead of cappuccino. Stud blames a runaway train carrying a nuclear warhead, hiding a missing scientist in an overhead compartment, who houses an undetectable virus in his bloodstream, which ploughs into the café, demolishing the bird table. The actor, who also starred in hit thriller ‘Turn Up’ and as an independent Financial Adviser in ‘The 39 Peps’ is expected to return to ‘Spoons’ later next year, in the role he says was made for him - super horsefly James Pond, in the back garden of the restaurant.

Sunday Supplement: Government Initiative to Groom Potential James Bonds

A DIY book for spies has been launched by the government. In a bid to cut costs during the recession, they’re hoping that basic patriotism will be enough to encourage people to spy for their country.

In conjunction with the release of the publication, local education chiefs have assembled an NVQ in Espionage and are researching the possibilities for Stella Rimmington, former Head of MI5, to run lectures at various universities. Course fee concessions will be available for the unwaged and pensioners as usual and the cover price of the book is being kept as low as possible.

Entrance requirements are minimal: If they can decode the secret message in the book, prospective students will unearth clues to the whereabouts of the nearest course and the first seminar with their spymaster. It’s a three term, 30 week course open to all and will include field trips as far away as the Middle East and Africa (fees payable).

Upon completion of the course, subject to high enough grades, students can apply for postings around the world, although Prague, Dublin and Ayia Napa are reportedly already over-subscribed.

However, further information surrounding the courses themselves is shrouded in mystery. An undercover reporter who tried to enrol at their local Adult Education Centre was repeatedly told that no such course existed, although on the free phone number provided in the book, a muffled voice insisted it was going ahead and that perseverance in prospective students was a desirable quality.

A source close to the publisher stated there was no truth in complaints that the books were self-destructing thirty seconds after the successful decoding of the secret message.

Saturday Film Review: ‘The Bleeder’

Starring Kate Binsit and Ralph Pines.

“She liked being bled” states the charismatic lead in a thought provoking film under the directorship of Stephen Baldy.

Unlocking the mystery of how a leading light of society could have had such an unfortunate liaison with leeches is part of the fun in this light hearted comedy romp. And asks: How far would you go to protect a secret? Because would you want your family and friends to know that your lover is actually a human/leech hybrid? I think not. Behind the mystery lies a truth that will make you question everything you know. Such as - could his slimy parts possibly be any more slimy than his normal parts? And how do you prevent the offspring from throwing salt over their shoulders, to avoid a run of bad luck?

The answers, believe it or not, are all contained herein. It’s one of the most accomplished performances yet from Ms.Binsit, who gave up her ill-considered career as a racing driver and has since gone from strength to strength in the movie industry, with Oscar success in ‘I Panic’, her breakthrough film, in which she copes badly when losing the oar from her rowing boat, in the middle of the Serpentine.

Ralph Pines, now said to be coping better since his break up from a long term relationship, but still not quite over it, stated: “Why won’t she come back to me? Why did she leave? What did I do wrong? Film? Oh, yes, I‘ve made a film. Thanks for asking.”

Queuing Added to London Olympics.

With numerous sports vying for a place in 2012, the first one to receive the joyous news that their place has been confirmed is Queuing.

Rodney Biggerstaff, of the Queuing Association of Great Britain and N.I, was clearly overjoyed when we met him at The Chequers Centre in Maidstone, where the Next Sale was due to get underway in four hours.

“As you can see,” he said, motioning with his clipboard at the huge number of athletes settling down with their deckchairs and flasks (see left), “we’ve a head start on every other nation in the world - no-one does it quite like us!”

A special training camp is being set up and athletes are splitting into their formation teams (see right), mindful that the countdown to London 2012 has already begun.

Head Coach, Mrs Renee Leadbetter, a veteran of the Harrods sale, is keeping a close eye on her charges and is optimistic about our medal prospects.

“There’s the Individual Men’s and Individual Women’s Pursuits, plus Men’s Team, Women’s Team and Mixed Doubles - that’s five Golds we’re almost assured of!”

Mrs Leadbetter’s only concern was regarding reports that China has already started training in earnest, breeding a younger, fitter kind of queuer, admitting that they were a force to be reckoned with (see left).

Runaway Beaver Wreaks Havoc

A giant, sixty-stone beaver is on the loose, leaving a trail of destruction in southwest England. The creature is believed to have fallen in love with Beaver Water World keeper Hayley and is determined to follow her wherever she goes, in this case to the Eden Project, where he grabbed her and climbed to the top of the Biomes before being felled by a six year old lad with a pea shooter, fashioned from local plants. Hayley managed to slide down the side gently into a bed of Eared Lady Fern.

Unfortunately, the beaver was too quick for keepers who were moving in with big nets and made his getaway via the Jelly Jazz transit van. That is to say, he trashed it and threw it in the path of the oncoming keepers, who luckily all managed to avoid injury.

The beaver rampaged through the countryside and is still avoiding capture, even though he is, frankly, pretty hard to miss. Hayley is very concerned, since she’s due to be a bridesmaid at her sister’s wedding next weekend and doesn’t want the venue trashed by the marauding animal.

Jelly Jazz commented that whilst they were all for nature and everything, the beaver had gone too far and they’d be filing for compensation.