Saturday Review: ‘Confessions of a Shopaholic’ star speaks exclusively to the Daily Scatter.

Interview by trainee reporter, Scottie.

“Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule for me, Isla - it must be pretty hectic with the film so recently released.”

“I wouldn’t say recently as such and it was really more dvd material than a major film.”

“I heard you were modest - nearly had me there, Isla! You were a bit of a child prodigy weren’t you - with both parents being Scottish, did those roots keep you grounded? You left Oman quite early didn’t you, to make your home in Perth.”

“Oban? No, we lived in Grangemouth and it was Aberdeen we moved to, actually. And och, no, it wasn’t too much of a wrench. The Aberdeen Folk Singing Club gave me my first big break.”

“Er, I thought that was Bay City?”

“Oh, no - I was a backing singer for the Bay City Rollers for a while - maybe that’s why you thought that?”

“Can I just say - and I don’t want to appear rude - but those make up artists are bloody good aren’t they? Cos, I mean - you look a bit rough in real life, to be honest …OWWW...”

“How dare you - I think I look pretty damn good for my age, thank you.”

“… and I wasn’t expecting your Scottish accent to be so strong.”

“I’m a 56 year old Scottish singer, what accent were you expecting?”

“Eh? No - you … you’re a 33 year old Australian actress.”

ED: Scottie, can I borrow you a minute?

“Yes, sir.”

“Do you know who this lady is?”

“Yes, sir - Isla Fisher, sir.”

“No, Scottie - this is Isla St. Clair - I told you not to research on Wikipedia! Jeez, how many times …”

Psychologists Back Teenager’s Statement

Teenager Kimberley Swann, sacked for criticizing her employer on a social network, has been praised as brave and forward thinking by psychologists who deal with stress in the workplace.

“Work is boring, let’s face it - we only do it for the money! I‘d rather be tucked up in bed right now watching Jeremy Kyle,” said Dr. Bland, of King’s College Hospital. “Employees need to let off steam occasionally and surely it’s better to do that with a few well chosen off the cuff remarks, rather than by setting fire to the canteen or attacking the company logo with a custard filled welly boot and a bucket of sardines. Kimberley is remarkably intuitive in knowing she needed to express herself, to avoid a worse situation developing. The company really should be congratulated in employing a youngster with so much perception in the first place. Perhaps they can find it in their hearts to reconsider her position.”

Although he then added: “Of course, she may have just been useless and they were looking for an excuse to get rid of her - we’ll never know for sure.”

Sir Fred Goodwin: “I Spent It All”

The former head of struggling public owned bank RBS, today revealed that he would love to pay back the money he’s been given, but regrettably he no longer has it.

Sir Fred Goodwin admitted that the ineptitude that saw him ruin RBS, also scuppered his own affairs, as he personally had investments with Icelandic banks, Woolworths, MFI and Land of Leather.

Having been away from home all day, Goodwin was finally tracked down to Richmond High Street, where he was selling copies of Big Issue. Sir Fred commented: “Look, you can see what I’m doing now - I’m trying to put something back into the community. What more could I possibly do? Would you have me beat myself to death with a cat o’nine tails? ”

“That would be a start,” asserted a group of ex- RBS employees, standing nearby with a cart full of rotten tomatoes.

Helpline for Shopping Trolleys Set Up

Supermarkets have finally bowed to the concerns of shoppers regarding wayward trolleys. Together with local Government and British Waterways, a new telephone helpline has been set up for neglected and abused trolleys to call for assistance.

“It’s a serous issue that needed addressing,“ stated the Helpline administrator, Joy Ward. “These trolleys are ripped from their shelters and wheeled hundreds of metres, if not miles, usually to a canal or rivers edge and left to rust. Finally, we have a means of tracking and saving them from this life of torment and cruelty.”

Trolley collector James Philby, at Tescos in Leytonstone, spoke about the ease of mind the new helpline gave him and his colleagues. “All too often, I come in and we’ve lost at least one. It breaks my heart that I’ll never see them again and imagining the terror they were sufffering at the hands of those …those …callous, that’s what they are, callous and brutal. I often take a scoot around the River Lea and save the ones I can. Usually though, it’s just too late. I’m hoping the helpline will give us a chance to reach them in time.”

Robot Arrested at Science Museum

Berti, the robot employed at the Science Museum under European Equality Laws, finally succumbed to the stress of facing humans day in, day out and responded in kind when a young thug became aggressive towards him. Berti was arrested for causing an affray, due to the four letter outburst and obscene hand gestures taking place in front of a party of school children from St.Edmunds Catholic Primary, in Sussex.

In a showdown with police eerily reminiscent of the Hollywood blockbuster, 'I-Robot' Berti insists he is innocent of the charges laid against him, saying: “I did not give him this so called "victory salute". I had no idea what I was doing, the children taught me those hand signals. They said they would come in handy when I learnt to drive.” However, CCTV footage (above right) clearly shows Berti involved in a ruckus with the boy, who managed to escape being questioned by blending in with other primary school children.

Berti’s owner, Dr. Graham Whiteley, said he would be having a quiet word with Berti’s senior programmer, Dr. Brand.

Hitler ‘Would Have Retired to Blackpool’

Documents have been released by publisher Michael Cole, explaining that the Lancashire town of Blackpool was left relatively untouched by Nazi bombers during World War 2 because Hitler wanted to move there after the war.

Apparently, Hitler raced whippets back in the day in Austria, and was keen to try out his training methods on the sands of the celebrated seaside resort. He also had a bit of a thing for blue and white stripy beach huts, which, Gestapo insiders claim, he would have turned into luxury kennels for the whippets. German architects were also said to be working on plans for a scale model of the Eagles Nest sculpted out of sand, which Hitler was keen to see recreated in his new chancellordom.

No beach, see.
There were also more practical reasons for the choice of Blackpool - the tower was set to be the headquarters of German paratroopers, although Goering apparently expressed concerns that the tower would be too tall for training purposes, but not tall enough for actual jumps.

With the plans for the invasion of Britain all ready to be implemented, the final document shows that Hitler’s ‘packing’ list included seven knotted hankies marked: Samstag; Sonntag; Montag; Dienstag; Mittwoch; Donnerstag; Freitag. And a ‘p.s’ at the bottom said: No towels required.

Sunday Supplement: Protests at Global Warming Summit

A massive security operation was underway in Zurich today, as angry crowds demonstrated against the lack of action from many governments to take the threat of global warming seriously.

A Mr.Freezy, who’d flown in specially from Greenland, galvanized the community affected most by the planet warming up. “Our whole way of life is being eroded. What are we supposed to tell our children? ‘Don’t worry, maybe you can be made out of mud in future?’ Something has to be done, before it’s too late.”

The Swiss government offered to bus the affected families up into the mountains, but this was met with derision by Mr Freezy and his fellow complainants.

“They think they can just buy us - what about our relatives throughout the rest of the world, huh? What about them - are they going to bus all of them up into mountains? Doesn’t that defeat the object of what we stand for, of all we’re meant to be? A simple pleasure, affordable by all.”

A spokesman for the Swiss tried to inch his way past the crowds without success, admitting that he was perplexed and would they please stop with the pelting of the snowballs, as his face was starting to sting a bit.

Saturday Review: Angela Rippemoff’’s Strictly Confidential Tour Gossip

We’re almost there and then Strictly season will officially be over. (Only for six months or so before next year’s line up is released!) The gossip goes on however, with questions being raised as to how it was that a couple with two dance offs under their belt in the actual series managed to win all the tour dates except those in Scotland, since it was public vote alone that chose the winner.

Various reasons have been put forward - the vast majority of the audience were die hard technical dance fans, who put technical proficiency above all else; Tom and Camilla’s fans knew they had nothing to prove, so only voted once; Rachel was more relaxed and showed a fun personality; the introduction to Rachel and Vincent that made everyone feel guilty; Kate telling the audience that Rachel and Vincent should have won the series and 'what were we thinking'; the RumbaTease performed for paying individuals during the interval - but these were all denied by a show insider.

“It was having her brothers there, see. They blocked all the entrances so that everyone had to get past them to their seats - they didn’t have to say anything, just stand there looking, like they do and all the audience knew that Rachel had better win or else, you know what I mean?”

But what about Glasgow, where Kenny and Ola won all six dates? “It’s in Scotland isn’t it - they stayed well away from there. The Scots wouldn’t have taken any of their shite, would they?”

Co-operative Slammed for Recycling Pets

The Co-operative have always prided themselves on being community minded, but their latest idea has been labelled ‘obscene’ by the RSPCA.

The practice only came to light when little Joey Santiago, 5, decided to dig up the goldfish his parents had only just ‘buried’ for him, to see if any worms were wriggling through it yet, and discovered that ‘Becks’ was not in the matchbox. Faced with a barrage of questions from their son, Mrs Santiago was forced to admit that Becks had been recycled and that the burial was just a sham.

“It seemed like a good idea at the time,” sobbed Mrs Santiago. “The Co-op said it would cut down on landfill, if pets were recycled along with everything else. It made sense to us.”

A company spokesman from the Co-op defended their action, insisting it was a service the community demanded and that the RSPCA were over-reacting. “Let’s be honest, little Joey will forget all about Becks in a couple of days, once daddy has taken delivery of the quad bike he promised him instead.”

David Mills Wins Prestigious ‘Crap Negotiator of the Year’ Award 2008

With the Italian Prime Minister busy passing a law making himself immune from prosecution, David Mills, estranged husband of Olympics Minister Tessa Jowell, has been sentenced to three years for accepting £350,000.00 from someone who may or may not have been the Italian Prime Minister, depending on your point of view.

Ms Jowell steadfastly supported her estranged husband, who presumably would be no longer estranged were he not heading for prison, and denies she had placed her estranged/not estranged/possibly heading for divorce (or not) husband under undue stress by demanding more housekeeping money, reckoning he just misunderstood her when she said she needed more cash for the Games.

However, a ministry insider said: “I mean, come on - £350,000 is pocket change as far as the Olympic budget is concerned - he was told to ask for nine billion. I just don’t know what he was thinking - £350,000 will just about pay for the car park attendants jackets, for goodness sake!”

Bishop Upset at Chimney Arrest

With Government initiatives not generating the predicted upturn in the fortune of children living in poverty, the Bishop of Welling decided to “do his bit for the community” by employing local children to sweep chimneys.

The Bishop was unrepentant in his decision to immediately put two boys, aged 7 and 8, to work on his own house. “I would have hired them out to the neighbours,” he stated, “but they weren’t prepared to pay the going rate.”

Police were called to the house of the Open Episcopal Bishop by neighbours, who were outraged at the prices the Bishop was charging.

“Daylight robbery it is,” said Ena Probert, at number 53. “Where he thought we’d get that kind of money I’ve no idea.”

Another neighbour was furious that the Bishop would only train selected children, those aged between 5 and 12. “My teenagers are desperate for work, they‘d have jumped at the chance to sweep chimneys for a living. The extra money would mean me being able to spend more quality time in the betting shop or the pub.” However, the first part of this witness statement was discounted as “improbable” by the investigating officers and has subsequently been withdrawn.

The Bishop has since been released on bail, pending further police inquiries. Such as: "How much for a three bedroom, two chimney semi?"

Goldilocks Leaves Daddy Bear Fuming

After a long and silent battle, the Bear family have finally had enough of their unwanted visitor and issued the following statement:

“We’ve put up with a lot from her. Now it’s time to act,” stated Daddy Bear, 53, vehemently, with a comforting arm around a visibly distressed Mummy Bear, who has now been prescribed valium, and Baby Bear, 7, who's started wetting the bed again. “She just wanders in and helps herself, it’s outrageous. It was little things at first - eating our breakfast, sitting on our chairs, but now she’s hogging the bathroom, reading the Radio Times on the loo. We came home one morning and she’d had Sky Sports installed! It’s got to stop.”

The Bear family are now seeking an injunction, banning Goldilocks from coming within two hundred yards of their cottage in the forest clearing. However, women’s groups say this means Goldilocks would have to stray from the forest path and is therefore quite unacceptable, so they are seeking a reduction in the distance to ten yards. Since this would still let Goldilocks onto the property itself via the gardens, Daddy Bear said they will fight any change all the way.

Goldilocks, 16, above, pictured recently at a local Wyevale Centre.

Governments Dismiss ‘Disappearing Space’ Claims.

Astrophysicists are becoming increasingly alarmed at the seeming lack of space in outer space and expressed concerns that if global governments do not combine to combat the danger, the beginning of the end of life as we know it may already have begun.

From reports in Texas, it appears that stars and other astral bodies are now colliding at an alarming rate, producing fireballs and other debris which is falling to earth and terrorising neighbourhoods.

Sir Padraig Morish, a respected professor in this field said he wasn‘t surprised by the upturn in these instances. “We know - we might not be able to prove it - but we know that like on Earth, Martians, Jupiterans and everywhere else are suffering the same overcrowding we’re seeing on Earth and consequently traffic throughout the Galaxy is increasing. The wind turbine a few weeks ago was just the tip of the iceberg, if there are any still left. And the crash between the US and Russian satellites - complete accident, I assure you, due to vying for the same patch of space and it just not being there.”

Anxious to avoid panic, the US and Russian Governments issued the following joint statement. “We are pleased to announce that the collision between our two satellites was NOT due to a lack of space in space, but is a normal outcome of us competing against each other for the best spot from which to oversee World Domination. Now that’s our final word on the subject; we hope this quashes the scaremongering of astronomers bleating on about the end of the world.”

Sunday Supplement: Can Captured Tears Provide All Our Power Needs?

With alternate power sources being sought by scientists around the world, one of the most exciting discoveries is in the power of tears. Having identified the neuro-transmitters Leucine-enkephlaine and prolactin in the secretions that leak from our eyes, boffins have calculated that one two-litre bottle of tears could power a travel hairdryer for three and a half minutes.

“Which, according to my wife, is three minutes longer than it normally keeps going for,” stated Dr. Mark Swarovski, who assures us she was referring to the hairdryer. Speaking from the UK‘s first ‘Tear Farm’ in Nantwich, where he is overseeing comprehensive tests with live subjects, he added: “The only drawback is having enough employees to produce the amount of tears needed to really make a difference.”

However, with unemployment rising, Dr. Swarovski is optimistic that more proposed Tear Farms will be operational by the end of the year. He went on to explain how the tear process is galvanized for the greater good.

“The clear part of the eye the ‘cornea’ and the white part of the eye the ‘conjunctiva’ are covered with sensory nerves,” says Swarovski. “So whenever anything hits the cornea – an item, slushy emotional stuff, extreme temperatures, insults – sensory nerves signal the brain, which, through the sympathetic and parasympathetic system of nerves, signals the lacrimal glands to start making tears.”

Thus, the best results so far have been gained from employees watching films capable of producing bucket loads of tears during one screening: ET, Beaches, Ghost and The Lion King. So as not to leave the workforce too overwrought, these were followed up with screenings of Life of Brian, Airplane, There’s Something about Mary and Four Weddings and a Funeral - which in some cases also produces tears for collection (particularly the hair gel scene in There’s Something About Mary).

Excellent results were also seen when subjecting the employees to verbal insults and general belittling. However, the use of this method ended up with one scientist supplying nearly a pint of tears himself, when he chose the wrong employee to bait. Dr. Lee Smitem is still unable to return to research, following his comment to a Miss Renee De La Croix, that her couture dress looked like “pan-fried liver and onions wrapped in used nappies.” Miss De la Croix, although since relieved of her six-inch stilettos, has been made President of the newly formed Society Of Blubberers.

Saturday Film Review: Plum Hog in the Air

Picture the journey to be undertaken: From the kitchen of her semi detached in Farnham, we join house proud jam maker extraordinaire Christine Currant as she fights her way from suburbia to Heathrow, in a bid to become Wykeham Drive’s first female commercial airline pilot.

Pictured right: Mrs Currant's Wild Plum jam. Available in a all good Wykeham Drive corner shops in Farnham near you.

In the male dominated airline industry, we share in Christine’s struggle to break free from prejudice, to lose the labels forced upon her (Apricot Dream, Strawberry Crush, Raspberry Tingle). Alongside her, we wrestle the addiction to plums that led to the manic preserve-fest of her formative years. It isn’t easy and we take every painful step with her.

As uplifting a film involving planes as you will ever see, this life affirming and emotional rollercoaster of a movie will enrich your life and stay in your heart and on your clothes forever. Fruit juice stains are a bugger to get out.

Paleontologists Seek Ancient Giant Games Compendium

Following the discovery of the Titanoba snake in the South American rain forest, the international team of scientists have now found the corresponding ladder, which confirms their belief that our ancient civilisations didn’t spend all their time hunting and gathering food.

With Egyptologists still crowing over their windows find, British archaeologists have released photographs of their own discovery, excitedly bringing to the worlds attention a giant checkers board, unearthed alongside Roman villa remains near Lullingstone Park in Kent.

Renowned Professor, Dr. Doug Downe, flew back from Egypt especially to oversee the Kent site and said: “It’s an incredible time to be an archaeologist; we haven’t witnessed such excitement since ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ was released. We just know out there, somewhere, someone will uncover more evidence that a full and varied social gaming network flourished millions of years ago.”

Bones Suffers Atomic Fall-out

Strictly Come Dancing Series 27 winner, hunky rugby star Seth Bones, 30, and twin sister Eve, 29, have fallen out over the BBC’s decision to bring her over from Channel 4, to host a charity dance show for Atomic Relief, alongside Strictly's 'It Takes Two' host Claudia Winklepicker.

Insiders and dance fans alike are furious that Ms Bones will take Seth's natural place at Claudia’s side. Atomic Kitten, having now been replaced as the nations' favourite band by the Gothic Kittens, are “in dire need of our support and clearly Seth brings a guaranteed audience of dance fans and millions of women” stated a spokesman for Atomic Kitten, in urgent negotiations with the BBC to try and reverse the position.

Above: The Kittens lead singer Ebony, in pensive mood during recording of their latest album “High Heels and Fur Balls.”

Friends close to the Bones family stated: “Eve was sooooo jealous you wouldn’t believe it, when Seth was appearing week in, week out on prime time TV, while she was relegated to a minor channel. And since then of course, Seth has been in demand all over the place and people were saying ‘Ooh, you’re Seth’s sister, aren’t you?’ whereas before Seth was always being asked if he was her brother.” In a bizarre twist of fate, it looks like that situation may reverse again.

Seth was unavailable for comment; it’s understood he is currently trekking across the Great Barrier Reef, before heading off to toboggan down Everest and then leading the first manned spaceflight to Jupiter.

Team GB Shredding Suits

Anxious to not let competitors get a sniff at the technology behind Team GB’s success in last years Olympics, cycling chiefs have been busy shredding the state of the art costumes, to keep the technology from falling into the hands of rival federations.

The design is split between different manufacturers for secrecy, with the legs being made in Japan, the arms in Germany and the body of the suit made in Sweden. For obvious reasons, the hood alone was the only part made in Britain, the UK being the centre of the world when it comes to hoodies.

Team coach Dave Brailsford said it was a slow process to destroy the suits, since the budget could only run to an £11.99 shredder from Argos and the suits kept getting stuck. “It’s not even a cross shredder either, so I’m not convinced it’s secure enough.” He said, adding. “And it isn't half giving me blisters.”

London Transport 'Wrong Type of Water' Shock

London transport was again thrown into chaos today, after a woman gave birth at Green Park station. Just as services were beginning to get back to normal following the bad weather, the Jubilee Line came to a standstill, due to the wrong sort of water on the line.

With contingency plans in place to combat any more snow fall bringing icy water onto the tracks, TFL were forced to admit that they were unprepared for waters from the amniotic sac leaking on to the line from the platform.

A spokesman stated: “We appreciate our customers concerns and are endeavouring to put in place a contingency plan to make new contingency plans to discuss what other kinds of water we may have to consider contingency plans for.”

The new mother and her baby boy - named Trevor, after the member of station staff whose prompt action in panicking and closing the station, to prevent any queues forming to coo over the new baby - were said to be doing well, albeit still awaiting the 4.15 to Stratford.

Scots Squad Decimated and Feeling a Bit Teary

Allan Jacobsen is the latest addition to the list of the emotionally wrecked Scottish rugby team, following the beating by Wales in Sunday’s opening encounter at Murrayfield.

With Geoff Cross already bawling his eyes out before the game had even begun (but said to be recovering well after some soothing words from his mum and a good nights sleep), the Scots were under pressure from the off, especially with a new rule brought in to liven up the Six Nations.

The Powers That Be decided that bringing on a celebrity substitute at some point for five minutes would be an entertaining diversion in the cold weather and the recession: This was fine for Wales, since they had the ex-rugby playing TV Presenter/Strictly Dancer/Hot Bloke Gethin Jones to call upon. The Scots, however, were reliant on Jimmy Krankie.

Totally gratuitous topless picture of Gethin, left.

It follows the news that Ross Ford (right) has also been banned by the Scottish Rugby Federation, for disrespecting The Flower of Scotland, by mimicking Scottish fans shown on the big screens during the anthems. It seems the temptation to make a pillock of oneself when the camera was upon him proved an emotional pressure point too far and Ross just couldn’t help himself.

With Scott Macleod unavailable due to being on tour with his tribute band, The Modern Romantics, three other members of the squad receiving treatment and unsure of being ready for France are: Chris Cusiter (knee-jerk reaction to losing), Mike Blair (dead leg and heart) and Jim Hamilton (scratch to his eye, where the tissue snagged).
Above: Scott Macleod, bottom left. Or possibly bottom right. Right: The blond bloke from Modern Romance.

The Scotland players were doing a post-game pool recovery session today but Jacobsen knocked the black in early three times in successive games, causing the session to be abandoned. It really hasn’t been his weekend.

Sunday Supplement: Did the Egyptians Invent Windows?

Archaeologists have uncovered evidence that the Egyptians were far more advanced than first thought.

Dr. Doug Downe was ecstatic to discover early computer software in a dig in Cairo and said: “It appears that the Pharoah Toucanscanmoontoo may have, in fact, been the real inventor of the windows technology and to find such a well preserved artefact is testament to it’s strength and durability.”

Teams were working around the clock to gauge the depth of the operations system, although some respected Egyptologists accused them of spending most of their time playing ‘Runescape’.

Dr Downe was infuriated by this suggestion, saying ‘Runescape’ was a kids version of the real Battle Games, where he and his team were recreating the conquest by Alexander the Great. At least they were, until a butter-fingered trainee archaeologist crashed it.

Saturday Review: Angela Rippemoff’s Dancing on Ice Confidential

Ex-Blue Peter presenter Gethin Jones is said to be helping fellow ex-Blue Peter presenter Zoe Salmon to overcome the intimacy issues she is suffering in Dancing on Ice. Pin-up Jones, 30, suffered similar issues during his time on Strictly Come Dancing, until partner Camilla Dallerup set him up with an acting coach, who brought out his saucy side for their saucy salsa and his romantic streak for their wonderful waltz.

Gethin, by his own admittance ‘not very good’ on ice skates, nevertheless jumped into the fray after learning a few basic skills from Zoe’s professional partner Matt Ivers, even though he is also involved in the Strictly Come Dancing Live Tour.

Unfortunately, Gethin, being the hot stuff that he is, melted the ice rink and training had to be postponed whilst they refroze the sections that had seen most action. Matt was impressed by how quickly Zoe had taken on board everything Gethin had suggested, saying: “Mind you, all the girls watching were taking it on board too and the medics were working overtime trying to cope with all the thuds on the ice.”

Zoe was said to be much more relaxed now, although Matt has to keep retrieving her from the changing room, where she nips off for a cigarette after every manoeuvre.

Messiah’s Image Found in Profiteroles and Ice Cream Dessert

Worshippers are pouring into the tiny Bristol hamlet of Brayley Glen, where Mrs Agatha Rumsden burst into the church on Sunday, wielding her mid morning snack.

Congregation members dropped to their knees when Mrs Rumsden moved among them, showing the face of The Lord, clearly made out in the chocolate sauce.

“It be a miracle,” said local shop keeper Ted, who now has the bowl of dessert on show in his ice cream freezer at the front of the shop. “My shop’s been strugglin', what with the recession an’all; now it’s 'eavin'.”

Mrs Rumsden said she was “honoured and full of gladness” to have been the recipient of this “amazing” experience. She’d been enjoying mid morning profiteroles and cream every Sunday for the last twenty years, when she found she‘d run out of cream and had to have ice cream instead. Asked if she would revert back to cream, Mrs Rumsden looked scornfully at our reporter and said: “Well, unless that daft old sod Tom has failed to restock, of course, I’ll be goin' back to cream. I mean, it’s not like it’s goin' to 'appen again, is it? Idiot.”

Cadbury Saboteurs Discovered Undercover in Mars Lorry

It was reported today that fifteen men were found covered in cocoa powder in the back of a lorry delivering “raw materials“ to a Mars chocolate factory.

A spokesman for Cadbury denied the men were agents of theirs, although an inside source later confirmed that they were in fact in negotiation with Mars for their safe return, in exchange for twelve Mars agents who tricked their way into the Cadbury depot. They were hidden in a huge Crème Egg, supposedly left as a gift outside the gates by Mars bosses, following an argument about Cadbury’s decision to put an extra half pint of milk in their chocolate.

The men were checked over by ambulance staff and were found to be in good condition, but consumers associations were outraged over possible contamination.

A hotline has been set up for concerned consumers, to ascertain if any of their favourite chocolate bars have been unduly affected. We’d put the number here, but you know how daft people are; We’d hate to be responsible for some poor old dear receiving a ton of phone calls asking: “Are the Ripples ok?”

Teachers Accuse Colleagues of Discrimination

A row has erupted at a school, following a lunchtime pole dancing demonstration, when a wave of complaints poured in from the teachers not selected to be pole dancers, who felt extremely jealous and therefore branded it inappropriate for students.

They’d also insisted that only the dads be allowed to come and watch, since many of the male staff were new to pole dancing and a bit shy about doing it in public and this criteria was not met when the doors to the Gym were opened to everyone. As the teachers suspected, that afternoon’s classes were completely disrupted, since the children preferred to laugh at their phone recordings than do any work. But as the Head Teacher stated, they’d rather listen to a boring lecture by the Physics teacher than do any work. And so would the children.

A maths teacher, who couldn’t quite master the art of hanging upside down with his legs wrapped around the pole, was one of the demonstrations biggest critics. Mr. Smiggle, 53, due to retire in two years time, said the lessons discriminated against him and others due to the athleticism required, and his dream of earning a bit of pin money on the side was now shattered.

The Physics teacher had disappeared into a black hole and was therefore unavailable for comment.

The Queen Hides Behind George W. Bush At a US Garden Party

Joe King was on hand to accurately record the conversation for posterity and, he hopes, a Pulitzer.

Queenie: Has he gone yet?
Dubya: Who?
Queenie: Gordon.
Dubya: No, he’s sniffing around Barack.
Queenie: He’s such a brown nose.
Dubya: Hey! Just because Barack beat my lot, there’s no need to be rude!
Queenie: I was talking about Gordon …oh, never mind.
Dubya: So, how’ve you been affected by the recession.
Queenie: We had to let the corgis go.
Dubya: Go where?
Queenie: Released into the wild.
Dubya: Wild corgis, huh?
Queenie: Phil’s been having fun with them.
Dubya: How so?
Queenie: Well, you know our lot banned hunting …
Dubya: Uh - huh
Queenie: Phil always said he’d get around it somehow.
Dubya: Cool …

Lorry Makes Escape Bid

A lorry travelling on a Stena ferry across the Irish Sea made a bid for freedom recently, after suffering years of torment and abuse at the hands of its driver. Two hundred passengers and crew were left stranded on board as the lorry first tried to hold them to ransom and then, when it realised the futility of this, burst through the ship's rear door in an idiotic attempt to turn itself into a submarine.

Mrs Bev Willis, whose Ford Fiesta 1.3 Ghia was pranged in the incident and now needs a new wing mirror, was shocked at the behaviour of the lorry.

“I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. It was completely unreasonable; abominable! It was quite clearly a pampered and much loved lorry, it had furry dice, little pink curtains and a go faster stripe, as well as a sticker saying “My other lorry is a juggernaut”. Spoilt rotten and testing the boundaries if you ask me. When the driver was having none of it, it stamped it’s wheels and barged its way out.”

The driver said he and his lorry had had some issues recently, but it was nothing he couldn’t sort out over an oil change and a couple of new tyres.

Sunday Supplement: Angelina Doily on why she said “No” to Fridge Raider 3

Pokina Nosein asks the celebrated actress if the Weight Watchers rumours are true.

“I went along to Weight Watchers with a friend of mine and just for the hell of it I got myself weighed - it was a real shock to the system. So I finally decided to take control of my life by eating healthily and refusing those roles that just kept requiring me to eat all the time. Just because I was good at it, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t challenge myself to try something new.”

It was the award winning performance in the 1995 cult classic Crackers that set the tone for Doily’s career, telling the tale of the steady descent of a lonely woman into doubt and indecision: Cheddar or Brie?

Doily recalls the film fondly: “It was my first major breakthrough and I thought I had it made. Scripts were piling up inside the door.”

So it came as no surprise that the stunning, if a little chunky, actress accepted similar roles.

“Why change a winning formula? Mojave Spoon was offered to me, with the follow up Forkfire in the same package and I‘d have been a fool to turn them down. 1996 was a huge year for me. And diners out in the desert saw a huge upturn in fortunes - I can eat free in any of them, anytime.”

Was it a natural progression into Hell’s Kitchen in 1998? “Oh, absolutely! It never occurred to me about typecasting; I was just so pleased to be in such demand.”

All the while, awards, as well as the washing up, were piling up. The Cone Collector - ‘99’s offering, appropriately, left no-one in doubt as to the extent of Doily’s talent and that of director Phillip Oyster, setting it entirely within the confines of an ice cream van. And in the same way that Fatal Attraction made men think twice about affairs, the year’s second offering Hostess, Interrupted was a warning to everyone about the dangers of not switching off your mobile phone at dinner parties.

“It was at the time I filmed Gone in 60 Seconds in 2000, that I started to question the validity of the roles I was being offered; I mean, really - a plate clearing competition to win the prestigious Gutbuster Award? Was that the role I wanted to be remembered for?”

And yet, you followed it up with similar roles, in probably your most successful films.

“I know - Fridge Raider was such an exciting project though, I just couldn’t turn it down. I said I wasn’t going to do the second but I just looked at the puppy dogs eyes and shrinking waistlines of other cast members and I couldn’t refuse: The Ladle of Trifle became a reality.”

But only a slight departure for Shark Fin Soup Tale? “My kids wanted me to do that - although I was slightly concerned at them watching me as a seductive whale.”

Mastering an English accent for The Good Shepherd’s Pie also meant you retreated back into your comfort-eating zone, what was it about that role that led you to renege on your decision again? “The Women’s Institute is such an … an …er … institution; to play a Chairwoman of the WI is coveted by every actress I know - I beat Halle Raspberry to that one! But last year’s A Mighty Fart was the inevitable end to this sequence in my life, it confirmed what I was doing to myself and that was when I made the decision to kickstart with WW.”

And what of fellow award winning actor, partner Brad Pitta - is he happy to be the sole, for now, breadwinner?

“Of course - I couldn’t ask for a more supportive and loving partner. He’s put a lock on the fridge and one of those squealing pigs inside it too.”