Expenses Horror Trundles On: Journalists fight for rights to receipts.

Police were called to a scuffle inside the House of Commons today, as the mole touting the MPs’ expenses forms was apparently cornered by two investigative journalists.

The rival reporters slipped away from the main escorted group at a Tory party reception, after independently making plans to meet the mole and discuss financial arrangements for the transfer of the documents into their paper’s possession. Understandably, the mole had decided to play them off against each other, but the plan backfired badly as the bartering journalists came to blows.

A police spokesman denied the use of CS gas in breaking up the fight: “You are kidding? The pair of them were so plastered after the free booze they couldn’t throw a punch to save their lives. It was like handbags at seven paces.” He went on to confirm that their conversation was recorded on their own equipment and would be used as evidence of their complicity in the plan to expose the exorbitant expenses of MPs. And then went on to change the word ‘exorbitant’ to ‘justified’.

The two scribes were led away, still squabbling.

“My newspaper mogul is bigger than yours.”

“Mine owns more publications.”

“Well, mine is higher than yours on the filthy rich list.”

“Well, mine has been invited to a Garden Party at Buckingham Palace.”

“Well, mine faked his own death and …Oh, shit.”

“You what?”

“Nothing.”

“You said yours faked his own death!”

“No I didn’t.”

“Yes, you did.”

“Look, behind you - there’s the receipts box!”

“What? Where? Ow!”

The mole is understood to have escaped by burrowing its way through the Speakers Chair into the wall cavities and then through the basement to exit via the sewers.

The police spokesman also confirmed that the figure of £300,000.00 being bandied about was not the asking price for the information, but was, in fact, the total of the House of Commons weekly tea and biscuits bill.

Home Secretary: Ann Summers receipt "justified"

Following national outcry, Jacqui Smith had to apologise over the inadvertent mistake made in claiming for porn films on her parliamentary expenses. Obviously, the world was not meant to know what her husband got up to in his spare time.

However, she was unrepentant over her adult toys receipt from Ann Summers, also added to the expenses. The Home Secretary is adamant that the claims, for equipment to furnish a room with S&M gear in each of her homes, is justified on account of these 'offices' doubling up as torture chambers for suspected terrorists, as and when required.

It's the latest in a long line of questions facing the government over sleaze issues, especially since Gordon Brown was given a box full of classic American films. A gift from new President Barack Obama, the box naturally included Debbie Does Dallas. The Prime Minister says he happily accepted these in good faith, as he thought this 'classic' was a follow up to JFK.

Sunday Supplement: Cryogenics: Baby, it’s cold inside.

And so said Marlene Coyle, 54 to husband Carl, 32, when trying to convince him that freezing themselves after death was the ultimate romantic gesture. Like many celebrities, the English middle classes are preferring to spend their money on saving for an afterlife, by way of cryogenics, the process of freezing the body to preserve it, until science has found a way of making humans immortal.

Although still a relatively new process, cryogenics is becoming increasingly more popular, with couples signing a pact to ensure their wishes are carried out. However, whilst relatively cheap ‘death’ insurance is available, some people, like Marlene and Carl, are attempting DIY versions.
Marlene showed us the crude containers she was preparing for both her and Carl, who still looked a little bit sceptical.

“We’ve only tried it on the cat so far but it took so long; there’s only twelve compartments in the ice tray and while we were waiting for a new lot to freeze, the first lot thawed. Then we had the bright idea of keeping the bowl in the fridge instead of the bath and that helped. Except the cat kept getting out.”

At this point Carl mumbled something about ‘seeing a man about another cat’ and left. Marlene asked our reporter if they had ever thought about freezing themselves, to which our reporter said ‘no’ and 'thanks for your time' very, very quickly.

Saturday Review: Jean Dieppe hides disappointment over a cup of Rosie Lee

Although he eventually lost out on the role of the new Dr. Who to Matt Smith, French actor Jean Dieppe remains hopeful of seeing the inside of the T.A.R.D.I.S. at some point in the near future.
Speaking to Pokina Nosein after wrapping up on Pie Rats of the Carry Bins, where he plays a volatile Head Chef to co-star Vera Brightly’s Maitre D’ , Jean was philosophical about his chances of becoming a Time Lord.

“Well, I ’as to say, I am disappointed, oui, ‘owezzer, privately, Steven did like ze idea of the son of the fourth Doctor turning up at some point, so I ’have not given up ’ope. I put togezzer ma own costume and I will keep it ‘andy.”

Meanwhile, Jean will concentrate on his varied and fruitful film career, moving on to work on a sequel to ‘Oo ‘as Eaten All Ze Grapes?’ after finishing his next venture in Britain.

“Pie Rats was great fun to work on wiz Vera, she is one of ma favourite actresses, she is very fruity and likes to roll around a haw he haw. But I ‘as to be serious now, for I ‘ave been offered some ‘eavy parts that are requiring much characterization. Dead Wood also much gym work; clearing gardens is very ‘ard work, nest ce pas? Add to zat, my ‘ard man, cockney Detective Sergeant role in Sweeney Todd, shortly to begin filming on location in ze East End of London, means learning an ’ole new language. So ze lads took me down ze rub a dub dub for a tiddlywink, but zere was a left and right and one geezer got ‘it over ze crust wiz a Peter O’Toole and ended up wiz a real Morris Minor. But ’e said ’e would tell ’is trouble and strife zat ’e tripped up some Jean Dieppes! Which was pretty cool, nest ce pas? But I still don’t see where ze planes come into it, non?”

Female Builder Sparks Rage and Jealousy

Builders working on a Northampton building development were furious with the company’s decision to employ a female builder, Miss Cherry Picca. Amid accusations of sex discrimination, foreman Ben Dover was quick to defend his colleagues calls for her resignation.

“We are more than happy for a woman to take on this kind of role and we’re all adult enough to treat Miss Picca with respect, however, she is not treating us with the same courtesy. Her presence is leading to feelings of insecurity, which is acknowledged as a form of bullying.”

Indeed, it is Miss Picca who finds herself at the centre of sexual harassment claims and has been accused of flashing at the shyer members of the team.

“Which isn’t so bad,” admitted Ben, “even when she stands there wobbling her love handles and leering at the lads: “Look at them - pure muscle they are! You won’t get many of them t’ the pound, darlin’.” No, it’s her builder’s bum we’ve got a problem with. The lads are upset because not only is she flaunting it, it’s hairier and dirtier than the best of ours.”

Emergency meetings are being held and in a bold move to stave off a strike by the lads, Gok Wan has been hired to help them come to terms with their own body shapes and mend the cracks in the company.

Cowell: It’s not the first Royal insult X-Faxtor has suffered

After accusing the Duke of Edinburgh of calling him a sponger, Simon Cowell has now revealed that other X-Factor judges have been the butt of insults from various members of the Royal Family.

Whilst Buckingham Palace deny that any disparaging comments have been made upon the reality show stars, X-Factor insiders say that the Queen herself was less than impressed with Louis Walsh and was overhead calling him a twerp. However, he was grovelling at her feet at the time and may have missed it.

Dannii Minogue was also said to be upset that the Prince of Wales called her a bimbo and asked shy she couldn’t be more like her sister, who was ‘a cutie’, whilst Prince Edward hit out at Sharon Osborne’s celebrity status, calling her a has been, after initially asking: “Who?”

It is also understood that Prince Andrew called Cheryl Cole. But she never answered.

Sir Fred’s House: Still No Arrests.

A police car is now parked outside the Edinburgh home of ex-RBS bank boss, Sir Fred Goodwin, following the wanton act of vandalism on the property, in the early hours of this morning.

Sir Fred is understandably upset by the attack on his home and car, particularly as he had been receiving round the clock security, courtesy of RBS. However, due to a slight oversight at the bank, the security men had been inadvertently made redundant two days earlier, along with the security department secretary. There was therefore no-one available to advise Sir Fred to make alternative arrangements.

The police, although concerned at the lack of leads in the case, are pleased to announce that they have narrowed the list of suspects down to four:

The Treasury
80,000 RBS employees
20, 000 ex-RBS employees
The global population.

Dog Bites Own Leg

The Mortimer household were today left reeling by a vicious and uncalled for attack by their family pet, Barley, upon his own leg.

Barley, 4, bared his teeth when his left back leg made a move towards the marrow bone he was enjoying on the family sofa, at home in Hampshire. “The scrawny little git can find its own - it won’t though. It always waits until I get myself one and then decides it wants one too. It does it with drinks as well - never get its own, always waits till I go and then pushes in.”

Barley’s leg, whom he calls Left Back, a pretty decent defender for Chelsea in its day, was adamant it meant no harm and was certainly not looking to nick Barley’s bone from him. “I mean, come on - this house has a whole cupboard full of treats, why would I try to take his?”

Following the shocking video evidence seen by officers, the Mortimer family are now being monitored by the RSPCA to ensure there is no repeat of this appalling and disturbingly funny incident.

The Search for Paris Hilton’s British best friend goes on

After reported sightings in Colchester and Beccles, the search for 19 year old Samuel has been extended to Great Yarmouth, following claims from an ITV2 obsessed member of the public that she saw Paris’ best mate in the Spud-U-Like on the seafront, asking “Don’t you know who I am?” To which the Assistant Manager replied “No.”

Sam was then heard to say: “But I‘m famous now - are you sure you don’t know who I am?“ To which the Assistant Manager replied: “Positive.”

Sam apparently persisted until the Assistant Manager called the Manager, who repeated that both he, the other counter staff, the cleaner and the rest of the customers had absolutely no idea who the hell he was and if he wants a Spud-U-Like Special with beans, cheese and coleslaw he can damn well pay for it like everyone else. And to get his feet off that baby’s high seat before the baby takes a swing at him.

It is feared that Sam, who appears to be under the impression that Paris is a good example to girls, may now have gone cross country, to Market Deeping, in a vain bid to find someone, anyone, who has actually heard of him, because he is, after all, loud and has been on the telly.

However, the reasons behind his disappearance remain shrouded in mystery. It's been suggested that he privately confided to his imaginary friend that Paris had knobbly knees and she found out before he could cash in on his “fame.”

Sunday Supplement: Alien Abductee’s First Interview Since Return

We caught up with Chloe Legg, who recently returned to earth after being abducted by aliens and who decided to share her story to help others suffering the same trauma she did.

“You can’t believe what a relief it is to be able to share - I’ve been so conscious of not putting too much onto my family and friends. They’ve been amazing but it’s probably quite weird for them, knowing what I’ve been through and caring for me so much.“

So were there any physiological changes you‘ve noticed since your return?

“Well, I love a cuppa, you know, but much as I crave one, the moment the tea touches my lips, I’m sick! It’s so frustrating! And I now only seem to wear pink - it’s been a nightmare, I can’t bear any other colour. Although, it does seem to be wearing off, I got away with a coral coloured top yesterday. I’m going for a red tomorrow and see how that goes.”

Anything else?

“I’m quicker. I can run a hundred metres now in twelve seconds, and I also have more stamina - the poor dog won’t go out for walkies with me, he runs and hides!”

Have your friends and family noticed any changes since you came back?

“I think so, yes. They seemed a bit preoccupied and couldn’t look me in the eye, it was almost as thought they felt a bit guilty but I told them it wasn‘t their fault. So we talk as much as we can, by phone mainly - they’ve been giving me space at home to come to terms with my experience. I said I was fine and would love them to all come round more often, but it’s not always practical for them. Naturally, they’ve got their day to day lives to continue, they can’t stop just for me.”

So, any other changes?

“Oh, yes - I absolutely adore a pint of Old Speckled Hen now!”

But what about any other physical changes?

“Um, no. Yes! I seem to get through a lot more toothpaste than I used to”

Anything esle?

"Not that I can think of."

Er, are you sure?

“Positive. Haven’t noticed anything else at all. But I’ve only been back a week. Once I get into my old routine, I’ll let you know if anything else rears its head.”

Chloe (left) was talking to Pokina Nosein.

Saturday Review: Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmare. Not. Much to his Annoyance.

It’s a well worn format that still draws in the viewers - but what happens when things go wrong? What happens, when, instead of finding a kitchen full of rat droppings and bad tempered chefs (at least when Gordon gets there) you find instead that the food is cooked to perfection and the fridge looks brand new?

This was the nightmare that presented itself to Gordon Ramsey on his recent trip to America. Producer Carol Humphries was disgusted at owners Andy and Viv Foulsham for calling in the expert team to turn around their restaurant, The Sherried Chicken, when it was actually doing quite nicely.

“When Gordon arrived he was met with a cheery faced waitress who bade him sit and who brought him a portion of tasty smoked chips and a refreshing lime spritzer while he waited to order, which was only a few minutes later. She then served him with a gorgeous Sherried Chicken and Pasta Soup, a house special, followed by scrumptious Monkfish and Bacon Kebabs, served with celeriac mash and a simple green salad and finally a beautiful Tropical Compote. All clearly home made with loving care, he couldn’t fault them at all.”

Things didn’t improve when Gordon inspected the kitchen and found a full time cleaner on hand, who scrubbed and cleaned thoroughly and consistently all day.

Carol continued: “The moment a potato peeling dropped on to the spotlessly clean and tiled floor, Jed was there to sweep, mop with disinfectant and dry with paper towel. It was awesome to watch him swing into action.”

It begged the question as to why Andy and Viv had contacted the world renowned chef for his advice. “They said they were desperate and were begging us for help,” said Carol, “but the only thing we could add to the place was to give the dining room a bit of a makeover, but even that was limited to carpet, curtains and accessories.”

A part time member of staff, after being slipped a fiver, supplied the real reason the McMillan’s had called the Kitchen Nightmare’s team. “Viv’s a materialistic old bat and Andy’s a bit of a tightwad - she wanted the dining room redecorated again but it was only done last year so they compromised by calling in Gordon. They knew he wouldn’t be able to leave without having a dig at something. As soon as he turned his nose up at the plastic ducks they’d put on the wall specially, they knew they had him.”

UK Team Build Robot Fish to Fool the Spanish

With rows over fishing quotas still rumbling on, British scientists, at the behest of the British Fisherman Society, have hit on an amazing solution to ensure the Spanish don’t get their mitts on any more of our fish.

Under the pretence of detecting pollution, hundreds of thousands of robotic fish will be released of the northern Spanish coast, confusing the local fisherman into thinking they’ve landed their catch for the day. With the robotic fish being able to act independently, the plan is to wait until they’ve been weighed and then cut their way back out of the nets and throw themselves back into the sea, to be caught again and again.

“It’s a genius idea,” enthused Cornish fisherman, Billy Carp. “Only, now they’ve gone and told everyone I don’t know if we’ll get away with it.”

Britain’s Next Top Model Auditions Ground to a Halt

Chaos reined at the latest round of auditions for Britain’s Next Top Model, as wannabes fought to get to the front of the queue when the ‘closing’ sign came out at 5pm, giving just one hour notice.

Many size zero models were trampled in the rush to the front, as elbows and handbags flew in the panic to make the cut. A make up artist on the show reported: “All hell broke loose, which then got worse as someone shouted ‘FIRE’.”

Most auditionees fled the scene in panic, however, Candy Buffon, 18, refused to give up her hard won place at the front of the queue and was congratulated by show host Lisa Snowden for her tenacity, if not her dress sense.

It is believed that Candy is exactly what the industry needs, following criticism that they are to blame for rising levels of anorexia. Apparently, Lisa has personally taken Candy under her wing and is giving her intensive coaching on how to manage her boobs a la Les Dawson, a move she herself perfected on Strictly Come Dancing.

GP Speaks Out Against Free Toddler Gym Membership

Liverpudlian doctor, Jonathan Cavendish, slammed the local councils decision to open up gyms to toddlers and invite them to take part in body building competitions, where hundreds of pounds in prize money would be at stake.

18 month old Jamie Glinch, left, clinches the inaugural “Nappy King” title.

Dr. Cavendish claimed that unscrupulous promoters would use the ‘awwww’ factor of the youngsters to encourage their parents to exploit them more and more for commercial gain. He is particularly concerned at the amount of steroid abuse associated with body building and the bad example drug cheats may give to participating children.

“Whilst I applaud Liverpool City Council for trying to combat obesity in young children, I just fear that substance abuse will take its place in an effort to win these competitions. Healthy ambition is one thing, however, this is an obsession being taken to its limits by over ambitious parents, some of whom may see this as a way of escaping poverty. They cannot see that in the long term their babies will grow up and this business being what it is, the youngsters will be cast aside, which in itself will lead to all kinds of psychological problems to add to the physiological problems the children’s bodies will suffer.”

Dr Cavendish presented the findings of his report on body building in children, to a Town Hall meeting, held prior to the Miss Beautiful Bicep contest in the same venue. Councillor Lily (Mad Dog) Mackenzie was quick to defend both the councils decision and her title, saying: “I’m a prudent economical woman; why shell out on the petrol to come here for the old fuddy duddy’s report some other time when I was going to be here anyway?”

Giant Caterpillar Found in Boy’s Dorm

Concern is growing for five students who apparently disappeared from their boarding school late last night.

Fellow students reported a disturbance around 2am, following an 18th birthday party attended by all pupils, but said that on arriving at the dormitory, all they found was a giant caterpillar, which one boy had the presence of mind to capture on his mobile (see right)

Staff and police were quickly on the scene, where Head Master James Roedean said they had some leads to follow, mainly a trail of Smirnoff Ice bottles leading out to the rugby pitch.

SpaceBat Blasts Off

We’ve had a dog in space and a monkey - it seems our smaller mammalian friends wanted their turn in the spotlight and so, without a hint of ceremony, shuttle Discovery blasted off with a new species represented. Keith, the fruit bat who passed out of astronaut college with flying colours - he was so excited about passing, he projectile vomited the apples, bananas and oranges he’d just ingested - took his place at the side of seven other astronauts for an expedition to the International Space Station.

Keith's tutor, Professor Ned Nattray confirmed the enthusiasm with which Keith took to training. “Fruit bats need lots of space to fly in and he took it literally; his lifetime ambition was to make it through the academy and take his place on the shuttle. As the only flying mammal, Keith saw it as his duty to his family and friends to be the best that he could be. There were concerns expressed about the effects of zero gravity, but as Keith said, he spends most of his life upside down anyway, so he didn’t see it as a problem.”

Sunday Supplement: Religion and the Fear Factor

The recent wedding of an Indian toddler to his village dog brought to our attention the lengths to which people will follow the myths and legends of their religious beliefs.

With village elders convinced the child would be at the mercy of a tiger if action were not taken, we turned the spotlight towards the little known beliefs of one of the most well known, if not totally official religions: Jediism.

Like all cultures, the Jedi have evolved and far from just using the force to bend the willpower of the weak minded, new decrees flourished amongst the devotees, writing a new chapter in the Jedi history. All but wiped out by the treachery of one padawan apprentice a long, long time ago, the descendents of those that fought for freedom in the Galaxy are sculpting new laws and fashioning beliefs that will allow their race to continue their expansion.

Good luck charms are now commonplace and a Jedi infant found himself in the same predicament as the Indian toddler. Mindful of the threat - via an elder’s recurring dream, that he would be attacked by a Tuskan Raider - his parents married him off to a Ewok.

Former enemies now welcome at Jedi weddings

However, the new practices are not without their critics, particularly those who feel that the original pathway of the Jedi is being lost to modern society.

“It’s not that we abhor all mod cons,” stated Jedi Master, Yoo Omi-wan. “But it rankles a bit that the youngsters just aren’t bothering to master the arts. A lad needed to raise his bicycle from the stream the other day and instead of concentrating for three hours and weakening himself to the point of death, the padowan nipped off to the local farm and came back trundling a fork lift truck across the cornfield. It’s just not on really.”

Saturday Review: Lonely Goatherd confirms “Her coat wasn’t pale pink”

High on a hill, Pokina Nosein scouted around and found the Lonely Goatherd, immortalised forever in The Sound of Music, much to his annoyance.

“They wouldn’t leave me alone, just because my voice was loud. Well, it has to be, doesn’t it. I’ve got to get the goats in somehow. But all that ‘Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo’ rubbish - what was that all about? I don’t do that. A simple “Oi - goatee, get in here” does the trick. As for the folks in the town, they’re liars - there’s no way they could hear me from where they are - and it was the barmaid’s daughter who started the ‘lusty’ rumour, she’s a right old goer.”

“So what about the Prince, on the bridge of his castle moat,” I ventured. “He’s very well respected, are you saying he’s lying too?”

The Lonely Goatherd shifted uncomfortably. “No. He’s not, but he’s a bit well - you know …”

“No.”

“Yeah, you know - talks to trees and stuff. You can’t believe what he tells you.”

“And the men on the road and in the midst of the table d’hote and drinking beer?”

“Same two, every time - jealous of my success with the barmaid‘s daughter.”

“I thought she's a goer?”

“She is - but she turned them down!”

“But you finally settled down with the girl in the pale pink coat? According to her, you met on the mountain when she responded to your yodelling.”

“For the love of God - it was lilac! A really boring, verging-on-grey lilac. And it’s true we met on the mountain; she says she was yodelling - I thought she’d got stuck down a crevasse and was screaming for help. But it’s over now. Once her mother got in on the act I was off like a shot. That yodelling don’t half grate after a while.”

Ryan Air deny ‘charge’ for using toilets

Irish airline, Ryan Air, criticised recently for plans to charge passengers to use the toilets, have backtracked and insisted it was merely a suggestion put forward as a way of raising money for Comic Relief.

“Of course we weren’t serious,” said their spokesman, Ed O‘Lettuce. “Ha, ha, ha, how could anyone really think that? Charging for using the toilet, what a ridiculous idea, of course we’re not.”

Mr O’Lettuce later had to admit, however, that whilst the toilet was now free to use, the toilet paper cost 10p per square and was available from all good trolley dolleys. He then also had to apologise for calling the company’s flight attendants trolley dolleys. It had been a long day and he was pleased to announced they had raised £10.50 for Comic Relief.

Michael’s agent “should have booked a bigger venue”

Industry critics have blasted Michael Jackson’s agent for his lack of conviction in booking the pop prince’s tour dates. Having been in the spotlight for all the wrong reasons in recent years, Michael’s people disloyally assumed that they would hard pushed to sell out any major venue and instead booked the function suite in the Millenium Hotel, in Deptford.

Consequently, Michael is having to perform 872 separate dates at the venue, which can only hold a maximum of 150 people standing. This had led to tickets now changing hands for anything up £16,000 on Ebay, as fans fight for a place at one of the historic shows.

Fans are also furious that no-one in the management team have apologised for letting them camp out all week at the Millenium Dome in Greenwich, under the impression that the megastar was appearing there. They demand to know how such a misunderstanding could have happened, but the only sort of explanation appeared to come from the hotel manager.

“Erm, well, before the booking was finalised, I remember someone phoning up and asking about pillows and I said: One? And they said: No, two. So I said: Oh, two! Right. On it.” I’m pretty sure a member of staff was ear-wigging and that was when the story broke about MJ coming to London.”

Stripping Pilot Peels Off Again

Pablo Mason, the Gulf war veteran famed for his strip shows in mid air for Thomas Cook, has retired from flying and is now appearing in his local British Legion.

Entertainments Officer, Pat Meaney, is thrilled the ex-soldier has agreed to be the entertainment at the upcoming quiz night. “He’s cheap, he’s cheerful and he’s got a big, sturdy heart. The WAF ladies can’t wait.”

However, Pablo’s former employees criticised him for, amongst other things, inviting people into his cockpit and for being ‘larger than life’.

“Like I said,” continued Pat. “The WAF ladies can’t wait.”

Strictly Judge in ‘False Pretences' Storm

Even with both the series and the tour over for another year, BBC TV flagship reality dance show Strictly Come Dancing is still hitting the tabloid headlines.

Council Planning reports have been leaked showing that judge Arlene Phillips, 72, has requested permission to start a night and day nursery, but concerns have been raised as to exactly whom she is proposing to provide care for.

A smuggled copy of the registration book shows a list of some six males: Mark Ramprakash; Tom Chambers; Gethin Jones; Martin Offiah; Mark Foster; and Ray Fearon, all booked in for night care. However, day care places seem to be strangely lacking in numbers, as do the numbers of females requiring any supervision.

Council chiefs say they will be meeting with Ms Pillpops, 87, to establish her credentials in starting a business of this nature. Apparently, they’re having to wait for a suitable appointment whilst Ms Chilli, 104, checks out the credentials of her new intake in a series of one-to-one interviews. In the night garden.

‘Red’ Attacker ‘Becoming Bolder’

It is feared that the reddish-haired mugger who attacked a jogger in Melbourne (17th September) has struck again in Canberra.

This time, the assailant threw himself through the window of the Ettlin family home, terrorising a couple and their two children, before Mr. Ettlin was able to wrestle the intruder to the floor. Once again though, the villain evaded capture, disappearing off into the bush.

Local police chief, Stu Beasley, said it was a worrying step up from the street attack. “It does seem as though the credit crunch may be making the little blighter a bit bolder. I would warn all householders to report any suspicious activity in their area and keep a supply of vegetation handy."

Sunday Supplement: Suffering in Silence - Marmite Mums Unite

It’s been a major talking point for years: Love it or Hate it. Even the company’s own marketing department has children’s favourite, Paddington Bear, being the cause of immeasurable suffering amongst mums, dads and workmen alike.

Finally, mums have decided to take a stand. Mrs Sally Longbottom, of Salisbury, Wilts, has set up a support group, Mums Against Yeast Extract, dedicated to counselling mums and carers, who have no choice but to make marmite sandwiches every day for uncaring members of their families, who cannot or will not understand the trauma being suffered by those unable to stand the sight or smell of their chosen filling.

“Yeast extract has long been an issue tearing families apart,” stated psychiatrist, Dr. Penny Wendt. “It’s a simple issue to resolve though, but the sandwich makers need guidance to assert themselves and say: “Stop! No, I’m sorry, but today you’re having cheese. Or ham.” Which is where the website comes in; support can be found in abundance, the forums are full of alternative fillings and stories full of hope that this dreadful scenario can be avoided in future, with just a few minor changes around the home. Like throwing the offending jar in the bin when no-one’s looking.”

Mrs Longbottom claims that absent-mindedly licking the knife one day was the catalyst for her taking drastic action. “I mean, I love Bovril and Marmite crisps, but the yucky stuff itself makes me heave. I knew I wasn’t alone, but I’m still surprised at how much activity there is on the website - there have been calls to petition Parliament to try to get the damn stuff banned, but my lawyers tells me it’s probably not a viable option.”

Saturday Review: Angela Rippemoff’s Dancing on Ice Confidential

Donal McIntyre’s reputation is shot to pieces following his charming and emotive performance on Dancing on Ice last week.

Underworld boss Fingers McVitie laughed evilly as he rewound the tape of Donal and Florentine’s gentle interpretation of ‘I Guess That’s Why They Call it The Blues’, taking obvious delight in the tender glances between the couple.

“See that” he said, waving the remote at the screen with a self-satisfied smirk. “complete pussy now, he is. Making a big fuss of that bruise - that’s not the Donal we’ve dealt with. I remember the time we had him backed into a corner, huge deal going down, surrounded by the biggest names in the industry - and he just saunters through us, cool as you like “Sorry lads - gotta go, the missus wants me to pick up the dry cleaning”. Now he’s refining his edges and perfecting his leg lines - not that I’m paying that much attention, y’know. And he ought to have been another notch up that leaderboard - there’s no way Zoe deserved a six. As for that Jason - he‘d better watch himself if he’s nasty to Jessica again.”

I ventured that Fingers seems to have become quite a fan.

“Wha’d’you mean by that? I‘m just watching to take the mickey out of Donal, right?”

Of course, I assured him, I believe you.

Mandelson to star as ‘The Mask’ in brand new West End production?

The Secretary of State for Business, Enterprise and Regulatory Reform, Lord Mandelson, has been approached to play the main role in a new production of ‘The Mask’ and is said to be delighted at the offer and giving it serious consideration.

“Who could be better for the role?” stated Rose Theatre director, Sir Peter Hall. “I’m sure the audience will be thrilled by his portrayal of the weird, slightly frightening but ultimately jokey character.”

It’s hoped that actress Cameron Diaz, who played opposite Jim Carrey in the original film, would reprise her role as love interest Tina Carlyle, however, her answer phone currently states that she is ‘indefinitely out of the country at present’ and her agent has gone ex-directory. Funnily enough, many other leading actresses the production company are considering for the role, also seem to be uncontactable.

The timing is seen as a triumph for Prime Minister Gordon Brown, who is keen to encourage more people back into further education, by creating additional academies catering for all manner of vocational schemes. It follows a government initiative to add slapstick to the curriculum and introduce apprenticeships in clowning, which so far hasn’t gone beyond the gates of Downing Street.

1000 Britons Terrorised in Cruise Ship Horror

Passengers on luxury liner Balmoral were subject to a horrifying ordeal, as they were made to sit below deck, with only a few basic provisions and no access to quoits, whilst the cruise ship adopted aggressive manoeuvrings, to pull away from a Somalian pirate attack.

Gerald Manning, in his tenth year as a passenger on the cruise, said the provisions laid on were “… quite appalling. The caviar was warm and don’t get me started on the flatness of the champers ….”

According to a Fred Olsen spokeswoman: “… contact was made with the EU Coalition Task Force (which patrols the Gulf of Aden in an effort to combat piracy) and officers sent up distress flares to alert Royal Navy and US warships searching for Somali pirates in the area..” Two small rowing boats were being sought, although some passengers said they thought they heard some crunching noises and saw wood floating by the windows of the 43,000 tonne ship, shortly after the alarm was sounded.

The passengers, who paid between £10K and £40K each, were zig zagging between extreme annoyance and resigned stiff upper lippedness, on what they saw as an outrageous lack of good manners on behalf the pirates, attacking as they did during the afternoon bridge session.

Gerald continued. “We’ve never missed a bridge afternoon in ten years. It really was most distressing.”

Government Officials Deny Lowering Armed Services Age Limit

With the discovery of more and more children being born to serving soldiers in UK barracks, an ex-soldier and mother of two, Mandy Turner, has finally decided to reveal the truth behind the military’s so-called “Maternity” Care and why new mothers choose to hide their babies.

“I thought the brass were a bit too keen to help - baby-sitting services, dedicated units to cater for all baby’s needs - and then I found out they were training the littluns for under cover work.”

Ms Turner only discovered the sordid truth when she realised she still had her toddler’s teddy and returned to the creche to find Jonathan, 3, undergoing parachute training. “They tried to make out they were just playing the parachute game, but since when did that involve a twenty foot scaffold and no music?”


Leiutenant-Colonel Max Laidlaw (right) scoffed at Ms Turner’s accusation: “Child soldiers? Here, in Britain? That’s a ludicrous suggestion. Can I play on my Wii now?”

Parents up in arms over CBBC Presenter

A complaint has poured into the BBC regarding another of it’s most established popular shows. This time, an angry parent, disgruntled that his kids might grow up with no sense of style at all, slammed the appearance of Basil’s Swap Shop presenter Arnie Wear-Hood, pictured right, in full sing-a-long mode.

Fashion icon dad of two, Kenny Brabham, 33, was outraged as he watched the show with his two year old twins, Chanel and Westwood. “I did a double take when I saw him. It's shocking that a kids' presenter should appear like that live on telly."

As The Sun broke the story, another parent contacted them to back up Mr.Brabham’s concerns. Stunning busty brunette yummy mummy, Trinny Thomas, 27, a mother of four, left, was equally shocked: “Yeah, he really did wear those trousers, I saw them with my own eyes! It’s a disgrace! He shouldn’t be allowed back on telly.”

However, other parents were quick to defend Arnie, with some saying they never noticed anything wrong with his clothing and others saying that you saw people dressed like that out in the street all the time and it really wasn’t a problem for anyone except for the fashion police.
Basil Brush himself was heard to comment: “It’s a kids show, for goodness sake - they like bright colours - why do you think I’m red?”

Mr Brabham hit back at the criticisms of him: “What you lot are not aware of is that most decent parents don't want their children subjected to disgusting colour schemes and shapeless clothing. I just knew bringing Timmy Mallett back into the spotlight would have a detrimental effect.”

Turf War “Out of Control”

Police Chiefs in Bristol have admitted to being increasingly worried by the escalation in warfare between local Avon ladies.

Mrs Debbie Watt, whose territory covered from Delapre Court in the West, to Greenfield Street, just off the High Street near the new flats, has made complaints to the local Avon office that the new flats should be included in her round. However, Mrs Diane Churchill, who has been the resident Avon lady covering the High Street for a number of years, firmly stood her ground and insisted that the new flats were an extension of the High Street and therefore came under her jurisdiction.

A resident of the flats, who wished to remain anonymous, peeped fearfully around her front door and whispered: “We’re living in dread - two, three times a day they both show up, maniacally buzzing to be let in so they can each drop their brochure through our doors.”

Local authority chiefs have also expressed concerns due to the local fire brigade expressing their concerns about the amount of litter the dispute is creating, as both women follow each other around destroying the other’s booklets.

Council Leader Paul Collins said the Avon head office seem powerless to act: “It seems that their own colleagues are scared stiff of these two women, who already have the biggest rounds of any of the ladies. There’s a conspiracy of silence and with no-one prepared to take them on it’s only going to get worse.”

Sunday Supplement: Cybermen Try New Approach to Capture Earth

Having spent more time researching humans weaknesses, the Cybermen, who it was previously thought lacked any kind of human emotion, have finally dropped the façade and admitted they know exactly how to tame humans into revering them as their new Gods, or to have them join as fully fledged CyberPlebs.

“Vanity!” stated the latest CyberKing. “Pure vanity. And we’ll make a tidy little profit too, which, in the current financial climate, will be very welcome.”

Their new Rejuvenique “Facial Toning Mask” went down a storm at the recent Beauty Aids convention in Los Angeles, with the tag lines ‘Delete Those Wrinkles’ ‘Exterminate Dead Skin’ and ‘Die, You Morons, Die’ capturing the imagination Hollywood’s finest, who were queuing up for a bit of DIY Cyber-Conversion.

“It’s a masterpiece of engineering” enthused the CyberKing “all humans feel as they plug in is a gentle electrical impulse. My CyberPlanner came up with the fantastic idea of a scratch and sniff cover too, which gives them a choice of chocolate, banana, or kiwi fruit to enjoy whilst converting. And the beauty of it - did you see what I did there, hm - “beauty” see - is that humans are willingly signing up for conversion - and paying us for the privilege! Genius!”

Once assimilated, new members of the Cybermen race can also request an upgrade for the full reduction of human emotion. It is believed that Sir Fred Goodwin was one of the first.