100m and 200m Olympic Champion and world record holder, Usain Bolt, 22, was today recovering from an ankle injury sustained as the result of a challenge race in his home country.
The Jamaica? No, She Went Of Her Own Honda Accord Rally, held annually on Walpurgis Eve, was said to be a cursed race and had a fierce reputation, usually resulting in the death or serious injury of at least one competitor, due to the dangerous terrain on which it took place.
Bolt’s coach had managed to talk Usain out of taking part in previous years because of the superstitions surrounding the race, but Usain put his foot down this year, which was, of course, a major factor in the accident. His coach said: “It’s a technical issue we’ve been working on in training - his right leg was pumping ever so slightly harder than his left and he veered across into the path of the BMW in the next lane.”
The car was said to be undamaged apart from some minor blood staining on the bumper and Bolt’s manager was quick to exchange insurance details to avoid any controversy.
Thursday, 30 April 2009
Wednesday, 29 April 2009
Mass Breakout of Over-reaction to Small Harmless Creatures
In a blatant display of stupidity and cowardice, a Hampshire man tried to exterminate a spider by setting it on fire with his lighter, managing instead to burn down the front of his house. The man, in his forties, frightened by the itsy bitsy spider, was also incredibly naïve in taking a naked flame near the thatched cladding of his New Forest Cottage. It was sheer luck that a passing vehicle happened to be a fire engine on it’s way back to base from a chip shop run.
It was a fit of idiocy matched only by the Welsh farmer who tried to run over a pea bug with his fork lift truck and smashed his cow shed wall down. This was one of a spate of similar incidents in the principality, where the infestation of pea bugs has reached epidemic proportions.
These latest episodes follow on from divorce lawyers being called in to a mansion in Buckinghamshire, after a wealthy landowner lost control of his chainsaw when attacking a stray worm and demolished his wife’s six bedroom summer house. It is understood that the couple’s handy man was staying in the premises, but he was said to have escaped unhurt when the landowner’s wife was able to smack her husband over the head with a shovel, so that his grip on the offending piece of equipment was loosened.
The spider was said to be making a full recovery.
It was a fit of idiocy matched only by the Welsh farmer who tried to run over a pea bug with his fork lift truck and smashed his cow shed wall down. This was one of a spate of similar incidents in the principality, where the infestation of pea bugs has reached epidemic proportions.
These latest episodes follow on from divorce lawyers being called in to a mansion in Buckinghamshire, after a wealthy landowner lost control of his chainsaw when attacking a stray worm and demolished his wife’s six bedroom summer house. It is understood that the couple’s handy man was staying in the premises, but he was said to have escaped unhurt when the landowner’s wife was able to smack her husband over the head with a shovel, so that his grip on the offending piece of equipment was loosened.
The spider was said to be making a full recovery.
Tuesday, 28 April 2009
Worker Points Accusing Finger at Boss. Then Eats It.
In a dispute over wages at a Serbian factory, union official Zoran Bulatovic cut off his little finger with a hacksaw and ate it. He is also now in dispute over sick pay and stated, in the biggest understatement of the year so far: “It hurt like hell.”
It was unclear if he was referring to the actual sawing of the finger or the following visit to the toilet.
Zoran felt he had to highlight the fact that workers had not been paid in years and could not buy food. He did accept that the company had been generous in its provision of health care, by making a packet of frozen peas available from the CEO’s private kitchen within the hour. However, he preferred to eat the finger raw and accompanied only by ketchup.
His colleagues threatened to follow Zoran’s lead, but any further DIY amputations have been put on hold until some mayonnaise can be ordered. The CEO, for his part, was naturally very concerned, since he felt it unlikely he’d find anyone else who’d work for nothing at such short notice.
It was unclear if he was referring to the actual sawing of the finger or the following visit to the toilet.
Zoran felt he had to highlight the fact that workers had not been paid in years and could not buy food. He did accept that the company had been generous in its provision of health care, by making a packet of frozen peas available from the CEO’s private kitchen within the hour. However, he preferred to eat the finger raw and accompanied only by ketchup.
His colleagues threatened to follow Zoran’s lead, but any further DIY amputations have been put on hold until some mayonnaise can be ordered. The CEO, for his part, was naturally very concerned, since he felt it unlikely he’d find anyone else who’d work for nothing at such short notice.
Monday, 27 April 2009
F1 Restructure - British GP Re-located to Buckmore Park
An announcement is expected from F1 Supremo Bernie Ecclestone in a matter of days, regarding the downsizing of Formula One.
With fears over the management of Donington Park and the road to Silverstone jammed with recriminations and “I told you so’s”, an insider confided that Jackie Stewart advised Bernie that there simply has to be a British Grand Prix, to safeguard jobs, prestige and because he misses tea and baked beans too much at the other venues as it is.
Ecclestone, 103, has therefore bowed to pressure, both financial and environmental and taken the decision to force through technical changes for next year, which will see drivers racing in a fleet of RX7 Pro Karts. With the proven tuned Honda 390cc 4 stroke engine, lightweight steering and a ‘sport mode’ button on the steering wheel, the RX7 Pro is a delight to handle, and can only be fitted with slick tyres to ensure close, exciting crashes.
Bill Sisley is said to be thrilled at the decision, as is prodigy Johnny Herbert, who will be on standby if any driver is unable to take part, with former World Champion on both two and four wheels, John Surtees, already planning a comeback.Sunday, 26 April 2009
Sunday Supplement: Celebrity Wiff Waff, Round One
Jodie Marsh has become the first celebrity voted off the Beeb’s latest celebrity reality show, failing to get the support she needed from enough of the judges, or, indeed, the sports bra that failed her so spectacularly in her final match against Jake Libra.
Leading from the break, Jodie’s trademark manoeuvre, which had proven quite effective up till that point, saw her underestimate Jake’s reaction and left her pinning him against the baulk cushion, with a full bowl of trifle being tipped over the edge in a waterfall of custard and jelly.
Already on a warning from her game against TV and radio presenter Gethin Jones (who was saved from her advances only by virtue of his girlfriend glaring at the busty model from the front row of the audience) Jodie lost valuable points, which, coupled with a low public vote saw her drop into the bottom two for the first time since the sessions opened.
With positions remaining unchanged, Jodie entered into a play off against Neil Hamilton, who had won two games but failed to receive the public vote. Gethin, who found himself bottom of the leader board - when disqualified by the judges for eating the bread rolls - was saved from the play off, proving once again that the British public would vote with their hearts rather than taking any notice of the judges.
Commenting on some of the performances, Mayor Boris Johnson was generous in his praise for Karen’s fighting spirit, whilst ex-British international Desmond Dekker said Su-Elise’s swing “was as smooth as Sanborn’s sax in summer,” which was met with general murmurs of “?” Style guru Nicky Hambleton-Jones slagged off Gethin’s cardigan, labelling it “D.U.L.L. - boring.”
Result: Boris and Desmond voted for Neil, as he had ‘potential’; Nicky went for Jodie, due to the rather fetching belt that nipped in her waist and accentuated her womanly curves.
Leading from the break, Jodie’s trademark manoeuvre, which had proven quite effective up till that point, saw her underestimate Jake’s reaction and left her pinning him against the baulk cushion, with a full bowl of trifle being tipped over the edge in a waterfall of custard and jelly.
Already on a warning from her game against TV and radio presenter Gethin Jones (who was saved from her advances only by virtue of his girlfriend glaring at the busty model from the front row of the audience) Jodie lost valuable points, which, coupled with a low public vote saw her drop into the bottom two for the first time since the sessions opened.
With positions remaining unchanged, Jodie entered into a play off against Neil Hamilton, who had won two games but failed to receive the public vote. Gethin, who found himself bottom of the leader board - when disqualified by the judges for eating the bread rolls - was saved from the play off, proving once again that the British public would vote with their hearts rather than taking any notice of the judges.
Commenting on some of the performances, Mayor Boris Johnson was generous in his praise for Karen’s fighting spirit, whilst ex-British international Desmond Dekker said Su-Elise’s swing “was as smooth as Sanborn’s sax in summer,” which was met with general murmurs of “?” Style guru Nicky Hambleton-Jones slagged off Gethin’s cardigan, labelling it “D.U.L.L. - boring.”
Result: Boris and Desmond voted for Neil, as he had ‘potential’; Nicky went for Jodie, due to the rather fetching belt that nipped in her waist and accentuated her womanly curves.
Saturday, 25 April 2009
Saturday Review: Pop Bands Asked for Name Changes
With The Pet Shop Boys asked to change their name to Rescue Shelter Boys and highlight the plight of pets kept in captivity, other bands have been urged to follow suit, although in some cases it’s due to the offence their names cause, rather than bringing much needed publicity to charities.
World War One veterans have appealed to both the Kaiser Chiefs and Franz Ferdinand to have come consideration for those that fell during the Great War, by amending their monikers to the King Georges and Mary Teck.
Meanwhile, Bob Geldof and Bono banded together to beg Oasis to spare some thought for the starving of Africa, to which Liam Gallagher is believed to considering an appropriate response.
And a new band, Get your Tits Out For the Boys, formed in the back room of the 'Sinners' bar in Newcastle, have been asked to leave the premises, since their alternative names of Fancy a Shag and I Take it a Bang’s Out of the Question didn’t prove too popular either.
World War One veterans have appealed to both the Kaiser Chiefs and Franz Ferdinand to have come consideration for those that fell during the Great War, by amending their monikers to the King Georges and Mary Teck.
Meanwhile, Bob Geldof and Bono banded together to beg Oasis to spare some thought for the starving of Africa, to which Liam Gallagher is believed to considering an appropriate response.
And a new band, Get your Tits Out For the Boys, formed in the back room of the 'Sinners' bar in Newcastle, have been asked to leave the premises, since their alternative names of Fancy a Shag and I Take it a Bang’s Out of the Question didn’t prove too popular either.
Friday, 24 April 2009
ICL (International Chicken League): Storks Take First Blood
The Chicken season kicked off with an almighty local derby this week, with Dinamo Bucharest C.C. facing Iasi Storks C.C. in the skies over Romania.
Top scoring Storks forward, Eagle Eyes, bumped up his transfer value by leading the Storks into a scorching victory over their arch rivals, making it the third win out of four meetings between the clubs and putting Storks at the top of the league.
Dinamo Bucharest CC (right) have their work cut out to recover from the severe beating by the Storks.
Des Linesman caught up with the Storks hero upon his return to the team pond and asked the usual banal questions commentators ask, beginning with: “So, how do you feel?”
“Well,” said Eagle Eyes “I can tell you I’m not, you know, sick as a parrot, Des, that’s for sure. The lads played a blinder today, I couldn’t have done it without their, you know, support.”
“And how confident are the team regarding the return fixture? We understand there were a couple of injuries suffered during the main attack on the plane.”
“Oh, that was Yellow Beak, he’s, you know, alright - given a whole new meaning to ‘over the moon’ though - that lovely glancing header sent him, you know, pinging away round the other side of it. He’ll be fit for the next game though, no worries.”
Top scoring Storks forward, Eagle Eyes, bumped up his transfer value by leading the Storks into a scorching victory over their arch rivals, making it the third win out of four meetings between the clubs and putting Storks at the top of the league.Dinamo Bucharest CC (right) have their work cut out to recover from the severe beating by the Storks.
Des Linesman caught up with the Storks hero upon his return to the team pond and asked the usual banal questions commentators ask, beginning with: “So, how do you feel?”
“Well,” said Eagle Eyes “I can tell you I’m not, you know, sick as a parrot, Des, that’s for sure. The lads played a blinder today, I couldn’t have done it without their, you know, support.”
“And how confident are the team regarding the return fixture? We understand there were a couple of injuries suffered during the main attack on the plane.”
“Oh, that was Yellow Beak, he’s, you know, alright - given a whole new meaning to ‘over the moon’ though - that lovely glancing header sent him, you know, pinging away round the other side of it. He’ll be fit for the next game though, no worries.”
Thursday, 23 April 2009
New Model Cyberman Set to Take on The Doctor
Dr.Who supremo, Steven Moffat, has unveiled a new, more fearsome Cyberman to challenge the Doctor in the next series.
With the Doctor himself upgrading to a new model, Moffat said it was a good opportunity to do the same for the Cybermen and is excited at the new weaponry.
A Dr. Who insider said Moffat was obsessed with the ‘dragon’ from James Bond film Dr. No and this proved a huge inspiration when it came to re-designing the formidable foe. The insider went on to confirm that each Cyberman would also take delivery of their very own white Persian cat, as a tribute to one of Bond’s most memorable baddies.
The T.A.R.D.I.S. is also set for a makeover, although the insider denied that Moffat was becoming fixated with making his hero the ‘James Bond’ of time travel. He insisted that the rumours regarding Little Nellie were completely unfounded; Moffat was very happily married.
Wednesday, 22 April 2009
Pieman’s Wares Land Simple Simon in Hospital
When Simple Simon met a pieman on his way to the fair last weekend, little did he know that the wares he was tasting would leave him fighting for his life in hospital, suffering from a rare form of E-Coli.
An inspector from the Food Standards Agency was immediately despatched to the pieman’s factory, where shocking practices in food preparation were uncovered, resulting in the factory’s immediate closure pending a massive clean-up operation.
Simple Simon was too weak to comment, however, Miss Muffet, to whom he has been engaged for the past three years, was said to be inconsolable at her fiance’s misfortune.
“It’s not just that he’s ill,“ Miss Muffet sobbed, “it’s the fact that he refused my offer of curds and whey that very morning, saying he wasn‘t hungry. And then I find out he’s persuaded the pieman to let him have a pastie. A king size one, with brown sauce and everything.”
The pieman shrugged when asked about the condition and age of the pastie Simple Simon sampled. “’E wan’ed one f’ nuffin’ - wha’s ‘e fink I am, a bleedin’ charity?”
An inspector from the Food Standards Agency was immediately despatched to the pieman’s factory, where shocking practices in food preparation were uncovered, resulting in the factory’s immediate closure pending a massive clean-up operation.
Simple Simon was too weak to comment, however, Miss Muffet, to whom he has been engaged for the past three years, was said to be inconsolable at her fiance’s misfortune.
“It’s not just that he’s ill,“ Miss Muffet sobbed, “it’s the fact that he refused my offer of curds and whey that very morning, saying he wasn‘t hungry. And then I find out he’s persuaded the pieman to let him have a pastie. A king size one, with brown sauce and everything.”
The pieman shrugged when asked about the condition and age of the pastie Simple Simon sampled. “’E wan’ed one f’ nuffin’ - wha’s ‘e fink I am, a bleedin’ charity?”
Tuesday, 21 April 2009
Podium Backlash at Chinese GP
An investigation is under way following complaints from the three leading drivers at Sunday’s Chinese Grand Prix.
It became apparent that whoever was responsible for the flag raising behind the podium was struggling to maintain control of the rope, resulting in a very stop-start ascent for the national flags. The drivers say it was “demeaning and disrespectful to their nations”, not to mention them being petrified that the whole stand was going to collapse on top of them.
A statement issued by the Red Bull team spoke of their disappointment that their first race win was soured by shoddy flag raising and that they would be seeking an audience with Bernie Ecclestone to ensure no repeat.
An F1 insider said: “Christian Horner knows it wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Ferrari driver up there; no, they’d have made damn sure everything was as slick as an oil slick in Luca De Montezemolo’s hair cream if a Ferrari driver had been up there.”
It became apparent that whoever was responsible for the flag raising behind the podium was struggling to maintain control of the rope, resulting in a very stop-start ascent for the national flags. The drivers say it was “demeaning and disrespectful to their nations”, not to mention them being petrified that the whole stand was going to collapse on top of them.
A statement issued by the Red Bull team spoke of their disappointment that their first race win was soured by shoddy flag raising and that they would be seeking an audience with Bernie Ecclestone to ensure no repeat.
An F1 insider said: “Christian Horner knows it wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Ferrari driver up there; no, they’d have made damn sure everything was as slick as an oil slick in Luca De Montezemolo’s hair cream if a Ferrari driver had been up there.”
Monday, 20 April 2009
Residents Concern over Influx of Immigrant
Residents whose properties lie on the banks of the Thames at Tideswell Basin, are living in fear following the discovery of a huge rubber bath toy tethered to a floating dock.
The council claims there is nothing to be concerned about and that it’s only one Irish giant living in the causeway, who is perfectly harmless, and has been granted a student visa to study Art Appreciation at the local adult education centre.
However, the leader of the local community action group, Sid Moffat, said they weren’t in the least bit scared of the giant, although he expressed surprise that no-one had yet seen him, stating: “Live and let live far as I’m concerned, we’re proud of our reputation in welcoming diverse cultures. No, our concerns are about the increase in council tax - they can’t tell us it won’t cost a small fortune to clear his rubbish - and what about sanitation? The sewage pipes are nowhere near big enough to cope with the extra loads comings its way.”
A council spokesman was quick to assure Mr Moffat and the rest of the residents that they were actively seeking sponsorship to pay for the extra services required by the giant. “The London Eye have already shown an interest in Seamus helping them on an ad hoc basis, as have the cleaning contractors for both Big Ben and Nelson’s Column. We are confident that Seamus will pay for himself in the long run and make a valuable contribution to our community.”
Sunday, 19 April 2009
Sunday Supplement: Growth seen in foreign bodies in bodies
With news of a spruce tree found growing in the lung of a Russian man, latest research suggests many more of these situations will arise, due to the increasingly filthy habits of the global population.
Where Artyom Sidorkin was believed to have inhaled a seed which then sprouted in his lung, 31 year old Wayne Bragg is the latest in a long line of chavs who has inadvertently inhaled his nose stud, resulting in a diamond tree growing in his lung.
However, Dr. Darren Smiff, a scientist at the University of Medway was sceptical at the find, saying: “Well, normally they’d need water, sunlight and oxygen to take root and grow in any conditions, I’ll need to see the item in question and conduct my own tests.”
Dr.Smiff confirmed that inhalation of nose studs had long been a concern in the University although not so much as the loss of penis and labia studs. “It’s all very well for those afflicted, but they don’t have to get down there and look for them, do they,” he shuddered.
Where Artyom Sidorkin was believed to have inhaled a seed which then sprouted in his lung, 31 year old Wayne Bragg is the latest in a long line of chavs who has inadvertently inhaled his nose stud, resulting in a diamond tree growing in his lung.
However, Dr. Darren Smiff, a scientist at the University of Medway was sceptical at the find, saying: “Well, normally they’d need water, sunlight and oxygen to take root and grow in any conditions, I’ll need to see the item in question and conduct my own tests.”
Dr.Smiff confirmed that inhalation of nose studs had long been a concern in the University although not so much as the loss of penis and labia studs. “It’s all very well for those afflicted, but they don’t have to get down there and look for them, do they,” he shuddered.
Saturday, 18 April 2009
Saturday Review: Stars out for Premiere of ‘Batdog: The Return (of the Stick).’
Joining stars Christian Bale, Michael Caine and Victoria Beckham (in her first major film role) on the red carpet, Rolfie the terrier stole the limelight at the London Premiere of the latest movie in the Batman franchise.
Alighting from his very own limousine, Rolfie was immediately in demand by the entertainment press, although they quickly backed away when it became apparent that, although declared the greatest animal actor ever, Rolfie was yet to be housetrained.
Director Christopher Nolan was quick to defend the star of his latest blockbuster.
“He’s a very pampered pooch with a strict and healthy diet, but the fans have been showering him with Doggie Chocs and it’s having a rather unfortunate effect. I’m sure the carpet will scrub up nicely when they set to work on it.”
Rumours of a romance with Ginn, the cute canine from last year’s Britain’s Got Talent, have been strongly denied by Rolfie’s publicist, who insists he is concentrating on his career and has no time for romance. However, the News of the World are set to pay Ginn a six-figure sum for the sniff ‘n‘ tell story of the night she made it through to the second round and met Rolfie at a celebration dinner, hosted by Simon Cowell in The Ivy.
Friday, 17 April 2009
Pet Dog Inherits Fortune
A pet dog has been left £100,000 by his owner, who died suddenly from a heart attack. However, distant relatives of the deceased, who hadn’t spoken to her in twenty-seven years, are lodging an appeal, based on their suspicions that Ned, 6, was responsible for the death of their third cousin in-law, twice removed.
“He’s a fox terrier isn’t he,” stated Jim McIntyre, from the other side of the world. “See - that’s suspicion enough in itself - totally familiar with the properties of foxgloves and how digitalis can have a detrimental affect on a healthy heart. That dog followed the same path through the woods every day, bringing huge amounts of the toxic plant back home. We reckon he’s been eating the plants little and often until he was immune and then hit …er, whatserface, with the full fatal dose, causing the heart attack. And all he got was a mild attack of the runs.”
The victim’s family doctor said the claims from the long distance relatives were ridiculous, that even if the dog was collecting foxgloves, there’s no way he could have cooked up a batch of digitalis from it; he just couldn’t have held the test tubes properly in his paws, let alone operate the Bunsen burner.
An investigation has been launched to see if there is any pattern to owners of fox terriers dying in this manner. The outcome is expected to be released in 2014.
“He’s a fox terrier isn’t he,” stated Jim McIntyre, from the other side of the world. “See - that’s suspicion enough in itself - totally familiar with the properties of foxgloves and how digitalis can have a detrimental affect on a healthy heart. That dog followed the same path through the woods every day, bringing huge amounts of the toxic plant back home. We reckon he’s been eating the plants little and often until he was immune and then hit …er, whatserface, with the full fatal dose, causing the heart attack. And all he got was a mild attack of the runs.”
The victim’s family doctor said the claims from the long distance relatives were ridiculous, that even if the dog was collecting foxgloves, there’s no way he could have cooked up a batch of digitalis from it; he just couldn’t have held the test tubes properly in his paws, let alone operate the Bunsen burner.
An investigation has been launched to see if there is any pattern to owners of fox terriers dying in this manner. The outcome is expected to be released in 2014.
Thursday, 16 April 2009
Widow Arrested for Beating up Burglar
An 86 year old widow from South Wales, Gwyneth Davies, will shortly be appearing in court, charged with infringing the rights of a burglar going about his normal daily business.
Mrs Davies attacked the burglar when he broke into her kitchen, whacking him four times across the back with her walking stick, despite she herself suffering from two broken hips, broken ribs, pneumonia, shingles, hay fever and having a bunion the size of a turnip on her left foot.
The ex-World War two veteran, a sharp shooter based in Woolwich Arsenal, and who trained paratroopers in her spare time, said she was extremely capable of looking after herself and insisted the burglar stay put until help for him arrived.
Police officers called to the residence found the burglar determined to press charges, irrespective of how embarrassing they would sound when read out in court.
Mrs Davies attacked the burglar when he broke into her kitchen, whacking him four times across the back with her walking stick, despite she herself suffering from two broken hips, broken ribs, pneumonia, shingles, hay fever and having a bunion the size of a turnip on her left foot.
The ex-World War two veteran, a sharp shooter based in Woolwich Arsenal, and who trained paratroopers in her spare time, said she was extremely capable of looking after herself and insisted the burglar stay put until help for him arrived.
Police officers called to the residence found the burglar determined to press charges, irrespective of how embarrassing they would sound when read out in court.
Wednesday, 15 April 2009
Garlic Stench Halts Court Proceedings
A court session ended in turmoil yesterday, when a Mr. Stench, 54, halted the proceedings that would have seen his name changed by deed poll to Gary.
“I just can’t do it,” he lamented. “I know it’s a stupid name and I’ll never forgive my parents, but the thought of trying to have it changed by the bank is just so depressing; I just can’t face it.”
Mr. Stench changed his mind after his bank failed to update his details when he moved home recently. Although enrolled in a telephone banking service that should have enabled him to change his address verbally, Mr Stench found that the amendment wasn’t actioned, resulting in his debit card being declined when he tried to order a new sofa over the internet.
“Naturally, when it asked for the billing address, I gave my new one, because the Customer Adviser I spoke to at the bank assured me my address details had been updated. But when I phoned again to ask about the card, a different adviser said my address was wrong. So then she took it - but it still wasn’t amended. So the card declined again and this time when I phoned the bank, it was engaged. So I wrote to complain and they sent a reply almost immediately - to the wrong address! I’m still waiting for confirmation now, so when the judge reminded me I’d need to take the documents to the bank, I realised I just couldn’t go through with it.”
Mr Stench has contacted the Banking Ombudsman and, in order to alleviate his frustration in the meantime, has been offered a bollard to throw through the window of the bank.
“I just can’t do it,” he lamented. “I know it’s a stupid name and I’ll never forgive my parents, but the thought of trying to have it changed by the bank is just so depressing; I just can’t face it.”
Mr. Stench changed his mind after his bank failed to update his details when he moved home recently. Although enrolled in a telephone banking service that should have enabled him to change his address verbally, Mr Stench found that the amendment wasn’t actioned, resulting in his debit card being declined when he tried to order a new sofa over the internet.
“Naturally, when it asked for the billing address, I gave my new one, because the Customer Adviser I spoke to at the bank assured me my address details had been updated. But when I phoned again to ask about the card, a different adviser said my address was wrong. So then she took it - but it still wasn’t amended. So the card declined again and this time when I phoned the bank, it was engaged. So I wrote to complain and they sent a reply almost immediately - to the wrong address! I’m still waiting for confirmation now, so when the judge reminded me I’d need to take the documents to the bank, I realised I just couldn’t go through with it.”
Mr Stench has contacted the Banking Ombudsman and, in order to alleviate his frustration in the meantime, has been offered a bollard to throw through the window of the bank.
Tuesday, 14 April 2009
Prince William Accused of “Trashing Jet”
Second in line to the throne, Prince William, has once again been thrust into the limelight, following an alleged abuse of his position in the RAF.
Although an insider says his crew mates were against the idea, the Prince, an avid watcher of the Top Gear repeats, insisted they have a fry up on the engine of the Tuscano aircraft they were on aerial manoeuvres in, and landed in a remote field to try it out.
“It's not the first time a newcomer to the service has tried it,” said the anonymous MOD insider. “In fact, ‘overcooking the turbo’ is a an accepted euphemism for screwing up the engine with the wrong kind of grease.”
It’s been reported that the Prince fancied a full mixed grill, however, he was rumbled when he flicked a wrong switch and the air traffic controller back at base heard the sizzling.
The MOD repeatedly, categorically and vehemently denied there was any damage to the plane. So, naturally, everyone is convinced there was.
Although an insider says his crew mates were against the idea, the Prince, an avid watcher of the Top Gear repeats, insisted they have a fry up on the engine of the Tuscano aircraft they were on aerial manoeuvres in, and landed in a remote field to try it out.
“It's not the first time a newcomer to the service has tried it,” said the anonymous MOD insider. “In fact, ‘overcooking the turbo’ is a an accepted euphemism for screwing up the engine with the wrong kind of grease.”
It’s been reported that the Prince fancied a full mixed grill, however, he was rumbled when he flicked a wrong switch and the air traffic controller back at base heard the sizzling.
The MOD repeatedly, categorically and vehemently denied there was any damage to the plane. So, naturally, everyone is convinced there was.
Monday, 13 April 2009
American Hostage “Maintained Training Schedule”
Richard Phillips, the rescued captain of hijacked American ship Maersk Alabama, has been speaking about his ordeal at the hands of the Somalian pirates.
Richard was said to be ‘surprised’ that the world thought he’d tried to escape twice, prior to the US Navy mounting their rescue mission. It seems the heroic captain - who volunteered to be a hostage for the Somalian Pirates, in exchange for letting the ship and its remaining crew go free - had apparently built up such a rapport with his captors, that they happily supervised training sessions for the veteran swimmer, to ensure he wasn’t at a disadvantage upon his return to competition (he is currently reigning Over 50s 400m Medley World Champion). The lucky pirate captured rather than killed was said to be Richard’s training buddy that day and there are hopes of rehabilitation within the veterans’ swim team for him, back in the USA.
A crew mate of Richard’s said it was typical of the man known as ‘Flipper’ to his colleagues. “Never, ever missed a training session, no matter what - even when a swordfish nicked his swimming trunks, he just carried on. The guy’s a hero.”
Richard was said to be ‘surprised’ that the world thought he’d tried to escape twice, prior to the US Navy mounting their rescue mission. It seems the heroic captain - who volunteered to be a hostage for the Somalian Pirates, in exchange for letting the ship and its remaining crew go free - had apparently built up such a rapport with his captors, that they happily supervised training sessions for the veteran swimmer, to ensure he wasn’t at a disadvantage upon his return to competition (he is currently reigning Over 50s 400m Medley World Champion). The lucky pirate captured rather than killed was said to be Richard’s training buddy that day and there are hopes of rehabilitation within the veterans’ swim team for him, back in the USA.
A crew mate of Richard’s said it was typical of the man known as ‘Flipper’ to his colleagues. “Never, ever missed a training session, no matter what - even when a swordfish nicked his swimming trunks, he just carried on. The guy’s a hero.”
Sunday, 12 April 2009
Sunday Supplememt: Those E-mails - Daily Scatter Exclusive
Following urgent and, frankly, quite cheap negotiations, we here at The Daily Scatter have obtained copies of the scandalous e-mails between former spin doctor Derek Draper and Damien McBride, the now ex-advisor to Prime Minister Gordon Brown. To show our unbiasednessness, we decided to print the less distressing ones here, for you to make up your own mind on the severity of their content.
From: Damien
To: Derek
I know, I know - how about - you’ll like this: Nadine Dorries recreating Lady Godiva’s naked horse ride through Luton? Only this time she’s on a Malaysian toy boy instead of a horse?
From: Derek
To: Damien
I can see that working - yep, go for it. Ok, Now, what about George? He’s got an Irish connection hasn’t he - so how about we have him threatening to drop St. Patrick in favour of, I dunno - Ken Dodd?
From: Damien
To: Derek
OMG, that’s so funny - you are so on form today. Can I say what a privilege it is to work on this project with you?
From: Derek
To: Damien
Oh, no, really, the pleasure is all mine. I couldn’t have done this without you. I …I …well, let’s crack on, shall we?
D xxx
However, in seeing these exchanges for ourselves, it became apparent that Tory politicians weren’t the only target of Red Rag, for it appears that some of McBride’s own party members were also featuring, with Gordon Brown himself being depicted as a bagpipe playing stamp collector, who likes to play marbles wearing a toga.
Political commentators say this shows that McBride may have been working against the establishment as a whole and was perhaps looking to launch a tide of anarchy on the back of the blog. Far from them being enemies, it’s possible this may have been a concerted effort in conjunction with anti-Labour blogger, Guido Fawkes. The plan was scuppered, however due to the apparent closeness of McBride and Draper, which may have led to Guido feeling rather left out and, in a fit of jealousy, dobbing them in.
From: Damien
To: Derek
I know, I know - how about - you’ll like this: Nadine Dorries recreating Lady Godiva’s naked horse ride through Luton? Only this time she’s on a Malaysian toy boy instead of a horse?
From: Derek
To: Damien
I can see that working - yep, go for it. Ok, Now, what about George? He’s got an Irish connection hasn’t he - so how about we have him threatening to drop St. Patrick in favour of, I dunno - Ken Dodd?
From: Damien
To: Derek
OMG, that’s so funny - you are so on form today. Can I say what a privilege it is to work on this project with you?
From: Derek
To: Damien
Oh, no, really, the pleasure is all mine. I couldn’t have done this without you. I …I …well, let’s crack on, shall we?
D xxx
However, in seeing these exchanges for ourselves, it became apparent that Tory politicians weren’t the only target of Red Rag, for it appears that some of McBride’s own party members were also featuring, with Gordon Brown himself being depicted as a bagpipe playing stamp collector, who likes to play marbles wearing a toga.
Political commentators say this shows that McBride may have been working against the establishment as a whole and was perhaps looking to launch a tide of anarchy on the back of the blog. Far from them being enemies, it’s possible this may have been a concerted effort in conjunction with anti-Labour blogger, Guido Fawkes. The plan was scuppered, however due to the apparent closeness of McBride and Draper, which may have led to Guido feeling rather left out and, in a fit of jealousy, dobbing them in.
Saturday, 11 April 2009
Saturday Review: Celebrity Wiff Waff Line-up Unveiled
The line up for Mayor Boris Johnson’s new favourite television show has finally been released. Commissioned by the Beeb to spearhead the Spring schedule, stars from the world of music, sport, politics and entertainment have been undergoing a rigorous audition process to ensure an exciting competition.
Top Michelin starred chef Gordon Ramsey, TV Presenter Gethin Jones, ex Manchester United footballer Eric Cantona and Queen of Pop Madonna are the most famous names in the line up, together with model Jodie Marsh, ex -swimmer Karen Pickering, ex- politician Neil Hamilton and, providing extra spice, his wife Christine. The fifth lady taking part is pop princess - because a celebrity reality show wouldn’t be the same without one - Su-Elise Nash, formerly of Mis-teeq fame, who will naturally be hoping to emulate the success of former colleague Alesha Dixon, who won Series 5 of Strictly Come Dancing. Finally, commentator Don Libra’s nephew, Jake, on standby in case any one dropped out, takes his place alongside his more famous rivals; ex- England rugby captain Will Carling had to pull out when practice was halted because of him continually soiling the doilies.
Already though, there are reports of back biting from some contestants who feel that Gordon has an unfair advantage, due to his familiarity with dinner tables. Gordon dismissed their claim, saying that he’d never had to *£$%^&* work with bread rolls in that *&^%$*^ way before and it was as new to him as the rest of the £$*&^!! players.
Judges for the new show will the Mayor himself, who is looking forward to it immensely and will mark on showmanship, with former British table tennis champion Desmond Dekker marking on technical ability. The trio is completed by makeover champion Nicky Hambleton-Jones, who will patronise their presentation.
The competition will unfold, like a giant tablecloth, over the (main) course of the next few weeks.
Top Michelin starred chef Gordon Ramsey, TV Presenter Gethin Jones, ex Manchester United footballer Eric Cantona and Queen of Pop Madonna are the most famous names in the line up, together with model Jodie Marsh, ex -swimmer Karen Pickering, ex- politician Neil Hamilton and, providing extra spice, his wife Christine. The fifth lady taking part is pop princess - because a celebrity reality show wouldn’t be the same without one - Su-Elise Nash, formerly of Mis-teeq fame, who will naturally be hoping to emulate the success of former colleague Alesha Dixon, who won Series 5 of Strictly Come Dancing. Finally, commentator Don Libra’s nephew, Jake, on standby in case any one dropped out, takes his place alongside his more famous rivals; ex- England rugby captain Will Carling had to pull out when practice was halted because of him continually soiling the doilies.
Already though, there are reports of back biting from some contestants who feel that Gordon has an unfair advantage, due to his familiarity with dinner tables. Gordon dismissed their claim, saying that he’d never had to *£$%^&* work with bread rolls in that *&^%$*^ way before and it was as new to him as the rest of the £$*&^!! players.
Judges for the new show will the Mayor himself, who is looking forward to it immensely and will mark on showmanship, with former British table tennis champion Desmond Dekker marking on technical ability. The trio is completed by makeover champion Nicky Hambleton-Jones, who will patronise their presentation.
The competition will unfold, like a giant tablecloth, over the (main) course of the next few weeks.
Friday, 10 April 2009
Channel Five Commission More ‘Extreme’ Programmes
With the huge success of Robson Green’s Extreme Fishing, Steve Gowans, Five’s controller of factual entertainment, has decided to build on the format and introduce a series of programmes that will challenge famous faces to become experts in a field totally alien to them.
First up is Katie Price with Extreme Taxidermy, where Katie will be taken under the (freeze dried) wing of one of Britain’s top taxidermists to master the art of stuffing dead animals.
Producer Ross Harper is excited at the prospect, saying that he really couldn’t think of a more suitable presenter. “Katie immediately understood the principles behind the skills and was a dab hand in no time.”
Further episodes include Extreme Hairstyling with Ross Kemp, Extreme Theatrical Drama with Cristiano Ronaldo and Extreme Interior Design with Geoff Hoon.
First up is Katie Price with Extreme Taxidermy, where Katie will be taken under the (freeze dried) wing of one of Britain’s top taxidermists to master the art of stuffing dead animals.
Producer Ross Harper is excited at the prospect, saying that he really couldn’t think of a more suitable presenter. “Katie immediately understood the principles behind the skills and was a dab hand in no time.”
Further episodes include Extreme Hairstyling with Ross Kemp, Extreme Theatrical Drama with Cristiano Ronaldo and Extreme Interior Design with Geoff Hoon.
Thursday, 9 April 2009
Sainsburys Re-brand ‘Embarrassing’ Fish
Checkout girls will no longer have to suffer the sniggering of shoppers when they scan packets of pollack across their tills in future. In a bold move, the huge chain have renamed the fish ‘Colin’ in a bid to attract more buyers and jazzed up the packaging with artwork by the fish’s namesake, Jackson Pollack.
It follows a successful campaign by Morrisons to re-brand tripe as ‘Amy’, with the packaging depicting modern tattoo classics. Not to be outdone, Asda are set to re-package tubs of lard as ‘Vanessa’, giving it a new, glossy sheen they feel will appeal to cooks of all standards.
Meanwhile, Lidl are in negotiation with their own-brand toothpaste manufacturers to re-badge their dental products as ‘Liam’.
It follows a successful campaign by Morrisons to re-brand tripe as ‘Amy’, with the packaging depicting modern tattoo classics. Not to be outdone, Asda are set to re-package tubs of lard as ‘Vanessa’, giving it a new, glossy sheen they feel will appeal to cooks of all standards.
Meanwhile, Lidl are in negotiation with their own-brand toothpaste manufacturers to re-badge their dental products as ‘Liam’.
Wednesday, 8 April 2009
Berlusconi Offered Comic Role
Reports from inside the BBC say they are in negotiations with Italian Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi, to star in a remake of classic Croft and Perry comedy Hi De Hi.
A spokesman for the corporation stated: “We feel that Silvio would be fantastic in the role of Ted Bovis, the gruff, slippery comic; it’s a part made for him. We’re just hoping to finalise Jacquie Smith as Peggy, the role made famous by Su Pollard, and then filming will start as soon as they’re both available - we’re hoping it will be in the near future.”
The idea was proposed following Berlusconi’s hilarious sell out tour of holiday camps in the Abruzzo region of Italy this week.
A spokesman for the corporation stated: “We feel that Silvio would be fantastic in the role of Ted Bovis, the gruff, slippery comic; it’s a part made for him. We’re just hoping to finalise Jacquie Smith as Peggy, the role made famous by Su Pollard, and then filming will start as soon as they’re both available - we’re hoping it will be in the near future.”
The idea was proposed following Berlusconi’s hilarious sell out tour of holiday camps in the Abruzzo region of Italy this week.
Tuesday, 7 April 2009
Ross Waxwork Unveiled
Madame Tussauds this week unveiled the latest addition to their collection, TV presenter Jonathan Ross.
Believed to be in the region of 150,000 lbs, three specialised cranes were brought in to move the dummy into its position, behind the specially commissioned copy of the star’s desk from his Tonight with Jonathan Ross show.
A spokesman commented: “As you know, we like to stay as faithful as we can to our subject and that goes for weight as well as appearance.”
Believed to be in the region of 150,000 lbs, three specialised cranes were brought in to move the dummy into its position, behind the specially commissioned copy of the star’s desk from his Tonight with Jonathan Ross show.
A spokesman commented: “As you know, we like to stay as faithful as we can to our subject and that goes for weight as well as appearance.”
Monday, 6 April 2009
‘Respect’ Campaign Gains Momentum
The positive aspects of the ‘Respect’ campaign in football has been having a knock on effect throughout other activities in the UK.
As a Chorlton Villa player was booked for ungentlemanly behaviour (breaking wind as the opposing team were taking a penalty), so Brayley Glen Embroidery Club, based in the community hall, have finally taken a stand against the unladylike behaviour of their most senior needleswoman, 92 year old Daisy Murtaugh.
Daisy has supped her tea and dunked her hobnobs quite happily with skirt hitched, legs wide apart and showing her long johns for the last 40 years, much to the consternation of the caretaker, Joe Padduck, the only male member of the club. With full backing from the Parish Council, Joe has now set aside a broom cupboard in the hall to act as a sin bin and been given permission to send any other offender there for ten minutes at a time, or until their tea has cooled down and their skirts are safely covering their knees again.
In a separate move, Tumble Tots have banned nose-picking by toddlers, but are having to reconsider their position as the business sees a huge drop in numbers attending.
As a Chorlton Villa player was booked for ungentlemanly behaviour (breaking wind as the opposing team were taking a penalty), so Brayley Glen Embroidery Club, based in the community hall, have finally taken a stand against the unladylike behaviour of their most senior needleswoman, 92 year old Daisy Murtaugh.
Daisy has supped her tea and dunked her hobnobs quite happily with skirt hitched, legs wide apart and showing her long johns for the last 40 years, much to the consternation of the caretaker, Joe Padduck, the only male member of the club. With full backing from the Parish Council, Joe has now set aside a broom cupboard in the hall to act as a sin bin and been given permission to send any other offender there for ten minutes at a time, or until their tea has cooled down and their skirts are safely covering their knees again.
In a separate move, Tumble Tots have banned nose-picking by toddlers, but are having to reconsider their position as the business sees a huge drop in numbers attending.
Sunday, 5 April 2009
Sunday Supplement: Malaysian Grand Prix
With torrential rain turning the track into a churning sea of tsunami, the safety car was deployed mid way through the race. The cars were led back to the grid, in case a restart became possible, but in the meantime - for the entertainment of BBC viewers - a Formula One insider fed in a live transmission of the Ferrari team’s radio exchange with panicked driver Felipe Massa.
Felipe: Wipe my visor, my visor, wipe my visor -
Team: Calm down Felipe, we’ll do it.
Felipe: My pants are all wet, they’re all wet -
Team: And we’ll dry them, Felipe, just calm down and stop shouting.
Felipe: I can feel my boots squelching -
Team: We’ll have new boots waiting for you.
Felipe: Will you run me a nice hot bath?
Team: Of course we will, now stop worrying , there’s a good lad.
Felipe: And some cocoa, will there be some hot cocoa -
Team: Of course there will Felipe, now stop fretting, you may have to drive again.
Felipe: But I don’t want to; it’s trickling down my neck. I’m going to get neck ache -
Team: We’ll massage it Felipe, please calm down.
The only people unhappy with the race being abandoned completely, were the spectators who invented a new sport of Muddy Hill Sliding. As more and more of the crowd cheered them on, the leading sliders felt pretty sure that Sir Richard Branson was about to offer a sponsorship deal, when his attention was diverted by the results being confirmed and he veered away to celebrate with the Brawn team.
Felipe: Wipe my visor, my visor, wipe my visor -
Team: Calm down Felipe, we’ll do it.
Felipe: My pants are all wet, they’re all wet -
Team: And we’ll dry them, Felipe, just calm down and stop shouting.
Felipe: I can feel my boots squelching -
Team: We’ll have new boots waiting for you.
Felipe: Will you run me a nice hot bath?
Team: Of course we will, now stop worrying , there’s a good lad.
Felipe: And some cocoa, will there be some hot cocoa -
Team: Of course there will Felipe, now stop fretting, you may have to drive again.
Felipe: But I don’t want to; it’s trickling down my neck. I’m going to get neck ache -
Team: We’ll massage it Felipe, please calm down.
The only people unhappy with the race being abandoned completely, were the spectators who invented a new sport of Muddy Hill Sliding. As more and more of the crowd cheered them on, the leading sliders felt pretty sure that Sir Richard Branson was about to offer a sponsorship deal, when his attention was diverted by the results being confirmed and he veered away to celebrate with the Brawn team.
Saturday, 4 April 2009
Saturday Review: Top Gear cancel Italian Job stunt
The latest idea to push the boundaries on the long running BBC show proved too tricky a feat for the boys from Top Gear, as they regretfully announced the abandonment of their stunt re-enactment.
Although aspects of the classic film have been included in stunts before, this was the first time they would attempt Michael Caine’s immortal line: “You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off”.
A despondent James May spoke of their disappointment at failing to master the required vowels sounds, saying he’d never had any trouble with languages before. However, this really had been a modulation too far.
Richard ‘The Hamster’ Hammond, was likewise upset at their failure to grasp even the basics of translating ‘bloody’ into ‘bluddy’, whilst Jeremy Clarkson was said to be ‘inconsolable’ and singularly unimpressed with the voice coaches sent to work with them, accusing them of laughing at his attempts.
However, a spokesman from the Royal Society of Linguistics said they were shocked at Jeremy’s outburst and that he hadn’t shared any concerns regarding their behaviour during rehearsals. "We can’t believe that the foremost petrol-heads in the country retreated from such a magnificent opportunity; to celebrate the most important piece of dialogue ever spoken, in the best British car film ever made."
Although aspects of the classic film have been included in stunts before, this was the first time they would attempt Michael Caine’s immortal line: “You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off”.
A despondent James May spoke of their disappointment at failing to master the required vowels sounds, saying he’d never had any trouble with languages before. However, this really had been a modulation too far.
Richard ‘The Hamster’ Hammond, was likewise upset at their failure to grasp even the basics of translating ‘bloody’ into ‘bluddy’, whilst Jeremy Clarkson was said to be ‘inconsolable’ and singularly unimpressed with the voice coaches sent to work with them, accusing them of laughing at his attempts.
However, a spokesman from the Royal Society of Linguistics said they were shocked at Jeremy’s outburst and that he hadn’t shared any concerns regarding their behaviour during rehearsals. "We can’t believe that the foremost petrol-heads in the country retreated from such a magnificent opportunity; to celebrate the most important piece of dialogue ever spoken, in the best British car film ever made."
Friday, 3 April 2009
Jamie Oliver’s new baby named after “kitchen stalwart”.
In keeping with their love of flowery names for their little girls, Jamie and Jools Oliver have named their latest offspring Marigold, despite friends and family warning them they were leaving their daughter open to ridicule - especially if she ends up with her own restaurant.
A neighbour said Jamie told her they’d chosen a traditional name associated with the kitchen, and she was taken aback to find out that he meant from the household goods section of Sainsbury’s. “ I was thinking of the great female cooks, like Bessie or Fanny or something. Still, each to their own.”
A spokesman for Jamie and Jools confirmed their love of the name Marigold and were hoping that with the popularity of dishwashers these days, the association with rubber gloves would be diminished. And if not, at least everyone would know how to spell it.
A neighbour said Jamie told her they’d chosen a traditional name associated with the kitchen, and she was taken aback to find out that he meant from the household goods section of Sainsbury’s. “ I was thinking of the great female cooks, like Bessie or Fanny or something. Still, each to their own.”
A spokesman for Jamie and Jools confirmed their love of the name Marigold and were hoping that with the popularity of dishwashers these days, the association with rubber gloves would be diminished. And if not, at least everyone would know how to spell it.
Thursday, 2 April 2009
Canadian Bears Becoming More Domesticated
Reports coming in from our Toronto offices suggest that the country’s wildlife is no longer quite so wild. Home owners are frequently faced with grizzly bears wandering into their kitchen and helpings themselves to food and drink.
Jeanne Mareau, a housewife who lives with her family on the outskirts of the town, was shocked to discover that a grizzly bear who had visited before and been content to raid the bin, was now becoming adept at using a bread knife and making himself a club sandwich.
“It’s not just that he breaks the back door down to get in, or even that he leaves the milk out; he’s pinning a shopping list to the fridge and he’s so damn fussy - won’t settle for the supermarket own brands, no, he wants the top branded products and even demanded a hamper be delivered from Fortnum and Mason! Though he does at least put the rubbish out.”
It’s a different story in Russia, where wild bears there have decided that crime is the way forward and are stopping drivers in their vehicles to demand money and cigarettes, and in some extreme cases, stealing the car itself. 
“So I should be grateful really, shouldn’t I,” continued Jeanne. “In a way, it’s quite nice when Griz brings the family with him, my husband likes a bit of company when he’s fishing.”
Wednesday, 1 April 2009
Serious News Day: Reporting from the Front Line
Since no-one would have noticed the difference if we’d gone with an April Fool’s Day scoop, here at the Daily Scatter we decided to pursue a grave issue affecting the world around us and bring you an exclusive interview with Iraqi resistance fighters in Northern Iraq.
Desperate to be heard, these men fear no-one and nothing. Our intrepid reporter took her life in her hands and thankfully returned in one piece. Readers of a nervous disposition may wish to look away but we feel these issues have to be addressed if the world is to move onward and upward. This film suggests that dialogue may indeed be the key to kick-start the journey towards peace.
Film by Nick Iks
Desperate to be heard, these men fear no-one and nothing. Our intrepid reporter took her life in her hands and thankfully returned in one piece. Readers of a nervous disposition may wish to look away but we feel these issues have to be addressed if the world is to move onward and upward. This film suggests that dialogue may indeed be the key to kick-start the journey towards peace.
Film by Nick Iks
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