Sunday Supplement: Mrs. Butler’s Wild Mustang Horseradish, the new condiment taking the food industry by storm.

It’s been labelled the new truffle, stolen caviar’s thunder and TV chefs throughout the land cannot get enough of this brand new hot, meaty and peppery relish jointly made by a Blackburn housewife and a cousin in Nevada, USA.

While Mrs Butler, who lives in Darwen, is openly admitting that her secret ingredients are wild radishes from a grove in a wood just two miles away from her home, her cousin, who she refused to name, is keeping her half of the recipe close to her chest. Our sources say the only information known about her is that she works at the Battle Mountain branch of the Bureau of Land Management.

Mrs Butler told us that whilst the recipe was quite simple, catching the ingredients was an altogether more complicated affair. “Although,” she added quickly, “you wouldn’t think radishes could be such a handful, would you?”

Saturday Preview: Britain’s Got Talent Final

With backstage passes allowing ‘access all areas’, we’re able to bring you a sneak preview of the final rehearsals for the top ten acts competing for the chance to perform in front of Her Majesty the Queen, at the Royal Variety Show.

“It’s all change,” stated the insider showing us around. “Everyone’s upped their game and realised that the public won’t settle for a rehash of their previous performances. Hence Susan’s transformation into SuBo, rap artist. She’ll be covering an Eminem song and it was practising the lyrics in public this week that landed her in trouble, of course. She’s ignored the negative press though and is feeling very confident.”

We asked how little Hollie was fairing. “Oh, she’s fine – she’s just not used to standing still and singing you see, so tonight she’s including dancing again. But not ballet – since she was able to turn on the waterworks so well, we’ve put her in overalls and she’s going to do for plumbers what Jennifer Beals did for welders, singing Water Feeling.”

And what are Stavros Flatley going to treat us to? “Oh, my – Swan Lake, no less. Trouble is, they’re actually really, really good! The crew were in tears by the end, it was so beautiful. 2Grand will be singing Clive Dunn’s Grand-dad, which will hopefully satisfy the millions of fans emailing to request that. And Diversity are completely living up to their name and have a mix of dancing, singing, juggling, dog training, fire eating, aerial gymnastics and the littlest one is an incredible drag queen!”

Have Shaheen and Sean picked the right songs? “Oh. My. God. Have they!? They’ve teamed up you see and they’re doing a medley of Agadoo and Superman, which is going to have voters retching for their phones for sure. And they’ve dug out all the old Kraftwerk records for Aidan, he’s going to have a blast! Flawless are being sponsored by L’oreal for Men and are demonstrating the correct application of their new foundation.”

You haven’t mentioned Julian – is the sax all tuned and ready to go?

“Julian? Do you know what, the guy has no idea what’s required – he’s spent the past fortnight just being a cool dude, playing that thing, over and over again, everything from Rafferty to Grover Washington, with no thought of giving the audience a laugh at all. Rumour is he’s going to attempt the Sanborn solo from Player’s Association Turn the Music Up (Party Down), which could end up causing a major fire hazard in the stalls as everyone jumps up to dance! Honestly, the bloke hasn’t got a clue.”

Identity Theft Fraudsters Training Parrots to Thieve

A Scottish holiday maker has spoken out about the moment he was fleeced by a parrot in the South Island province of Milford Sound, which then escaped back in to the surrounding hillsides, leaving him dazed and confused.

Receiving a phone call from the parrot pretending to be his brother, the Scotsman was tricked into releasing all his personal information and then, to make things worse, the parrot arranged to meet him in a secluded area of his New Zealand holiday complex, where he talked him out of his wallet and passport.

“This is a worrying new trend,” stated a South Island policeman. “The parrots have never ventured this far into residential areas before, but the fraudsters have got them so well trained now; this is the sixth attack that’s been reported so far.”

However, a police spokesman told us they believe there have been many more attacks but these have largely gone unreported. Victims are either too embarrassed to come forward or fear they won’t be believed and the police have called for greater support for victims of parrot-related crime to tackle this problem.

Maj in Nude Portrait Shocker

The latest portrait commissioned by Buckingham Palace is set to be the most controversial yet. While Rolf Harris’ portrait was widely accepted, many other artists have had their work pulled to pieces by both art critics and public alike and this year’s will surely cause even more outrage – the portrait is of The Queen and Prince Philip in the buff.

The date and location for the sitting is a closely guarded secret, with only the Queen’s security officers, private secretary, the artist, the Royal disrober, the Royal buffer upper, the Royal hairstylist and the Grenadier Guards - who will also be appearing naked in the portrait - knowing the details.

The artist, Peter Howson, said he was flattered to be asked but also slightly nervous – more nervous than when he was the official British artist during the Balkan conflict; he knew there was no chance of being sent to the Tower if the then Defence Secretary Malcolm Rifkind didn’t approve of his work.

The Grenadier Guards’ horses are banned from appearing in the portrait, due to the fact that they get very excited when being painted or photographed. The Duke of Edinburgh didn’t want them to feel inferior if compared to him, hung like a stallion as he is.

GMTV Hires Dancer for Fitness Spot

The charismatic Britain’s Got Talent semi-finalist, postal worker Darth Jackson, has been given the chance of a lifetime by GMTV, who have offered him a five year contract to run the daily fitness workouts with Mr. Motivator.

Darth, who threw Simon Cowell off his stride when he told him: “I find your lack of faith disturbing” showing the pop mogul to be completely lacking in the ways of the Force and pop culture, is said to be delighted at the opportunity. A spokesman for GMTV was equally delighted saying: “We feel that Darth is the perfect person to get the nations kids fit and active over the summer. And with his cool moves and fun personality, he’ll capture the imagination of all our viewers.”

Darth saw his Royal Variety dreams explode like the Death Star in the first of the semi-finals, when his Jedi mind tricks failed to work on the public, which he blamed on the fact that they were not actually in his presence. He had the studio audience eating out of his hand however, with both Amanda and Piers offering to clean his light sabre for him.

Wine Gums Slammed by Health Chiefs

In a further bid to cut down on binge drinking, wine gum manufacturers have been asked to re-package their product into just ‘Fruit Gums’. Leading brand manufacturers, Maynards, are said to be furious, as ‘Fruit Gums’ are a well known product of rival Rowntree Mackintosh.

A spokesman said the company felt ‘victimised’ by the health officials, because it wasn’t their fault that people overdosed on wine gums - usually when trying to quit smoking - and that the country really was turning into a nanny state.

“There is evidence of a link between the usage of wine gums and subsequent heavy drinking, particularly in women,” stated a spokesman for Chief Medical Officer “and we feel we have a duty to point out the addictive nature of these ‘sweets’ if you can call them that, so the public are aware of the dangers and take steps to moderate - we’ve heard horror stories of addicts gorging on up to three packets a day, when one packet a week should be the maximum ingested to be safe.”

Celebrity Wiff Waff, Round Three: Top of the Table for Gethin!

TV Presenter Gethin Jones finally showed his true potential in the fiercely competitive competition, finishing top of the leader board after Round 3. With the picnic table spread of marmite and peanut butter sandwiches proving less than alluring to the hunky Welshman, Gethin sailed through his early games, faltering only slightly when chocolate profiteroles were served.

A sterling performance by Christine saw her avoid the play off this week, but a wardrobe malfunction for Karen Pickering saw her drop into the bottom two for the first time, where she faced the aggressive Frenchman Eric Cantona. It seems the public were singularly unimpressed with the ex-Manchester United player’s sudden recital of Hamlet’s soliloquy, with many message boarders on the forum slamming him for using the Wiff Waff competition as a springboard to re-launch his acting career, a move strenuously denied by his publicist.

As the play-off got under way, Karen's determination and confidence sucked the last piece of resistance from Eric, who launched a karate kid across the judges table (Ed: You mean a karate kick. Joe: I know what I mean) resulting in an immediate disqualification. Nicky expressed disappointment that the best dressed contender was out, slagging off Karen’s misfiring attire at the same time, while Boris pinned Eric up against the wall and stated: “Not on my patch, matey.” Desmond had turned up the volume on his Ipod and was skanking along to Bob Marley, completely oblivious.

Sunday Supplement: Ginger Spice Bombshell!

In a slip of the tongue today, F1 Commentator Matin Brundle confirmed what both F1 insiders and pop moguls had suspected for years: Geri Halliwell is Bernie Ecclestone's love child.

Thought to be the result of a fling between Bernie and Geri's mum at Monaco in 1954, when she was a waitress on the Ferrari yacht, Geri was back in Monaco this year for talks with Luca Di Montezemelo that could see her being only the second lady F1 driver in history. With the vast experience of being the lovechild of Ferrari's biggest fan behind her, the team are keen to capitalise on Geri's popularity with younger fans, a following cemented by her critically acclaimed appearance last year on Blue Peter, making beach bags with the hunky Gethin Jones.

"The pressure's really on Felipe and Kimi," stated a Ferrari insider "they know they're driving for their place in the team next year - not that I'm saying we're definitely going to be in it, mind - but there's no room for error this weekend, for either of them."

Little surprise then, that both Ferrari drivers drove out of their skins today, producing their best results so far this season and sending a clear message to rival Geri: Back off!

Saturday Review: Vuitton and Jacobs 'fess up

Top designers to the stars, Louis Vuitton and Marc Jacobs, have admitted to betting an undisclosed sum of money on which of them could make celebrities wear the most ridiculous outfits in public - and charging them a small fortune for the privilege!

It follows the appearances of Madonna (left, in Vuitton) and Anne Hathaway (right, in Jacobs) in clear copies of Disney Princess dresses, right down to being made to measure an eight year old girl. Madonna denied that she'd originally bought the dress for Lourdes but the ill fitting top half and skirt bunched up in her knickers gave it away. Vuitton was seen flapping around the headscarf, but, undecided what to do, simply sprayed it with hard set hairspray, assuring Madonna she's undoubtedly start a new trend. She didn't.

Jacobs, whose just-wrap-a-bit-of-material-around-and-pinch-it-in-at-the-waist-mini look hasn't caught on at all, even amongst Primani devotees, sniggered as he revealed he bought a job lot of polka dot material he couldn't shift, which is why Victoria Beckham (left) ended up with a fifty foot train on her version of his famous design. "When Louis showed me the shoes he was selling her I cracked up - we reckon she's after an invite onto the next series of Celebrity Wiff Waff!"


It appears other designers are also getting in on the act, but this is dismissed by Louis and Marc, who say the others are so far up their own arses they really do believe they're doing the celebrity clothes horses a favour.

We asked Louis how he accounted for J Mendel sending Heidi Klum out in a sleeping bag (see right). When he finished laughing, he acknowledged that was a special one-off bet, which Mendel won hands down, costing both him and Jacobs £5000 each. "We came up with the design while away camping for a few days and wagered on who'd be the first to convince a supermodel to wear it!"

And Stella McCartney (see left) - at least with the guts to wear her own creation - riping off his special design for Leighton Meester (right)? "Oh, that, well, that was a matador and rag doll night - think vicars'n'tarts but with less class - everyone was wearing similar, really."

Vuitton, who's raked in a fortune from his adopted base in Italy, said he's now ready to retire back to Barnsley. He's going to help out in the family butcher's business and will reverting to his real name of Larry Mutton. Marc Jacobs said he'll be retiring as he's cream-crackered.

Breaking News: Dr. Foster DID Return to Gloucester

Reports coming in suggest that Dr. Foster, who apparently decided against moving his practice to Gloucester, did in fact retire to that very place after being struck off for inappropriate behaviour.

Although falling into a puddle right up to his middle and vowing never to return, dissatisfied patients finally tracked the ex-doctor down to a little village right in the centre of the worst flood plain in England.

Mr and Mrs Taplow, who refused to say how far they’d travelled, stated that they’d been searching for Dr. Foster for the last three years, before a tip-off from a resident of the Gloucestershire village gave away the errant ex-doctor’s whereabouts.

Mystery shrouded the ‘inappropriate behaviour’ that saw the doctor sacked, however, Mr. Taplow gave away a clue when he demanded that Dr. Foster return his wife’s stockings and suspenders without delay and that they better not be “stretched”.

Motorist arrested following attempted ram raid

A driver, apparently under the influence of alcohol, tried to ram raid the cash machine at a Tesco supermarket in a Rolls Royce Silver Spirit, injuring six people in the attempt.

A shopper who was lucky to escape with his bag of cat litter said: “At first I thought he was just a bad driver aiming for the drive-thru McDonalds along the road, but next thing you know, tins of Felix were raining on me from all directions.”

The Tescos, in the home town of Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson, was closed immediately pending police investigations. Jeremy was said to be outraged - he hadn’t done his weekly shop; and exasperated – he thought everyone knew a Rolls Royce is useless for that kind of thing, you need a Range Rover or at the very least, a Mitsubishi Evo and what was the stupid man thinking?

Government Deny Lack of Resources for Forces

In a week Gordon Brown would rather forget, the hierarchy of the British military are now threatening to stage a coup, in protest at what they say is a total lack of respect for our soldiers away fighting overseas.

A senior army spokesman stated: “We’re constantly under attack and this is what we’re expected to protect ourselves with – this is the new “armoured vehicle” they’ve sent us in the latest consignment of supplies received which are woefully inadequate for their intended purpose.”

However, he did admit that the provision of an on-deck jacuzzi for the service personnel was very welcome, albeit bought with the proceeds of Classical Brits Album of the Year, Spirit of the Glen: Journey, by the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards.

He continued: "We're hoping the award will bring renewed sales of the album, which will allow us the luxury of a gun each."

Man Breaks Leisure Centre ‘No Smoking’ Rule.

Staff at a Nottingham leisure centre were again at the centre of controversy today, when they evicted a man for flouting their strict ‘No Smoking’ policy at the poolside.

Aubrey St. Caspin, 43, was standing by the payment kiosk, chatting on his mobile phone, when it suddenly exploded in a shower of sparks, setting his linen shirt alight. He immediately tried to jump the barrier to reach the pool but was forcibly restrained by a poolside attendant with the fishing loop used to save drownees.

Desperately trying to avoid life threatening burns, Mr. St. Caspin, staggered outside the reception to where, luckily, a large water butt was full to the brim from a recent rainfall and he was able to put himself out.

It’s the second incident recently where a member of staff at the centre has faced criticism for an over-zealous application of the rules. Earlier this week, a colleague demanded that a woman stopped breastfeeding her baby at the poolside, saying it contravened their ‘No food and drink’ policy.

The centre manager apologised profusely, stating that he was proud of his staff but admitted they were rather enthusiastic. He said that these were the first instances of their kind in forty years, since Gerald Thomas and his crew were made to leave the premises in the middle of filming ‘Carry on Ducking’ because of the ‘No Flirting’ rule.

Assault over white asparagus prices

Police in Germany are searching for a white asparagus addict who beat up his dealer, claiming her prices were too high.

White asparagus, known as ‘edible ivory’ floods the market in springtime, its annual harvest period, with the result that the usual street market value drops from approximately £150,000 a kilo to just five euros a ton. As a result, pushers who try to milk their clients at this time of year take their life in their hands, as aspaddicts surface from self-induced hibernations to greet the new season’s arrival, expecting to pick up a bargain.

During the winter, the coveted springtime vegetable is in short supply, with foreign imports struggling to cope with demand. One dealer, who didn’t wish to be named told us: “Sometimes there’s nothing for it but to buy a bag of frozen and mix it with some chopped celery; the junkies are usually so out of it or so desperate they don’t notice. But this time of year you have to pile it high and sell it cheap - that pusher was asking for it.”

Sunday Supplement: Corn Dollies “Proof” of Alien Existence

Respected paranormal psychologist, Dr. Clement Grey, (pictured left, with the latest discovery) believes evidence has finally been found that extra-terrestrials do visit Earth and are observing us. Unable to communicate via language, they do appear, however, to have a talent for craft making and are utilising this to great effect.

Dr. Grey firmly believes that the corn dollies left in a Somerset field are just the start of many ways the aliens will communicate. “I’ve heard rumours of alien art turning up in strange places, for example, the papier mache alien mask, left on the doorstep of eminent alientologist, Lars Longton, and the beaded alien, found by Patrick Moore at the BBC. Verbal language may be a problem, but different alien races appear to be adapting greatly to establish contact.”


The corn dollies were carefully removed to a place of safety, joining the world-famous Thorpe Bay Alien Landing tapestry (right) currently housed at Essex Arena. This had, until now, been considered the single most important find; Dr Grey was insistent that the corn dollies, showing a distinct likeness to humans, is the indication that the aliens wish to spend more time amongst us.

Saturday Review: Uproar over Lily Allen song lyrics

With the sensibilities of the nation called into question time and time again within the realms of pop culture, it seems churlish to pick on the racy lyrics of poppette Lily Allen, wayward daughter of wayward actor, Keith Allen of The Comedy Strip Presents …fame.

However, the BBC decided they could not possibly have Lily singing her original lyrics to latest hit Not Fair on TV and she was persuaded to tone down the song before taking to the stage on the Graham Norton show.

Thus the offending phrases were replaced with subtle innuendo and double entendres that the BBC hoped children under the age of sixteen and parents over the age of fifty-five would not understand.

At the Daily Scatter though, we’re governed by nothing and no-one and hereby bring you the full and glorious lyrics, uncut. And we don’t care how many ice cream men complain.

Oh I want to taste your fab
Or a magnum or a zoom.
I’m really not that fussy
But I’d really like some soon

That one time you let me have one
A ninety-nine you said
Turned out to be almost one third less
With a mouth ulcer instead

There’s just one thing
That’s getting in the way
It’s that box of flakes that
You keep hid away
It’s such a shame

Then he treats me to a cornet
And I think that’s really fine
Until he covers me with sauce
And then I find out it’s brine

It’s not fair
And I think you’re really mean
You won’t let me taste your cream
Won’t let me taste your cream

Oh, you're supposed to care
you don’t never make me ice-cream
you never make me ice-cream

Oh, it's not fair
and it's really not ok
it's really not ok
it's really not ok

Oh, you're supposed to care
but won’t let me have a flake
Yeah, won’t let me have a flake.

Oh I lie here in the wet patch
in the middle of the bed
I told you time and time again
Go eat it in the shed

Then I remember all the nice things
a flake, some bubblegum
Won’t let me have a screwball.
You really are a bum

There’s just one thing
that’s getting in the way
Mr.Whippy ain’t deliverin’
No Mr Whippy ain’t deliverin‘
It’s such a shame.

I look into your eyes
I want to share an oyster
But you won’t let me near them
It’s apparent you’re a shyster

It’s not fair
and I think you’re really mean
You don’t never give me ice cream
no, never give me ice cream.

Oh, it's not fair
and it's really not ok
it's really not ok
it's really not ok

(abridged)

First Celebrity Casualty of Swine Flu

A spokesman for The Muppets today spoke of their utter devastation and sadness at the loss of figure head Kermit the Frog.

“We thought it was just the sniffles, you know, the usual sort of thing. But then he was suddenly rushed to hospital and they said it was too late, there was nothing they could do.”

Lifelong friends and colleagues, Gonzo the Great, Rizzo the Rat, Fozzie the Bear, The Swedish Chef, along with grumpy old men Statler and Waldorf, are set to be pall bearers at the funeral to be held later this week.

Kemit’s long term partner, Miss Piggy, was in hiding after receiving death threats from fans who blame her for the death of the iconic frog. Her publicist maintains that all tests came back negative on Miss Piggy and it was a mystery where Kermit could have contracted the disease. Rumours of a rift between the celebrity A-List couple were also hotly denied.

“I can categorically deny reports that Miss Piggy holidayed in Mexico recently; in fact, she has never been to Mexico. Her younger sister did stop briefly at an airport there, before flying back to L.A. but the rumours saying she stayed at the home of Kermit and Miss Piggy, whilst her sister was away filming, are completely untrue.”

Jordan Dropped By Management

Katie Price, as if being dumped by hubby Peter Andre wasn‘t enough, today suffered the ignominy of her agent also dropping her.

In a pre-split game of ‘tag’ at the management company‘s office, the agent apparently cheated, grabbing Katie by her extensions and swinging her away from ‘home’ - his wheelie chair next to the photocopier - and inadvertently lifting her off the floor. Although a strong, strapping lad, he was unable to hold on and sent Katie crashing into his desk, despite her valiant efforts to cling on to him.

In a bizarre twist of fate, an insider for Katie and Peter said that it was Peter’s cheating when playing the very same game that led to the couple splitting.

Unconfirmed reports deny that the desk suffered any permanent damage.

Boy Overcome By Fumes in Family Home

An eight year old boy was recovering in hospital tonight, following unconfirmed reports that he was subjected to a harrowing ordeal in the safety of his own home.

Boy X was rescued by firemen responding to a frantic 999 call by the boy’s mother, upon her return from an afternoon shopping trip, when she found the youngster gagging and almost unconscious.

Gas board officials could find no faults in the house’s supply and were baffled as to what caused the sudden illness, whilst child welfare officers were brought in to question the boy’s mother about him being left alone in the house.

Mrs X insisted that the boy was being babysat by his 17 year old brother and that when she left, he was happily playing a playstation game in the older boy’s bedroom. All became clear upon further inspection of the bedroom in question, when three weeks worth of cereal dishes were found in and around the bed, along with fourteen empty beer cans, twenty seven odd smelly socks, nine pairs of rotten boxer shorts and the brother, who slept through the entire commotion.

Police force cracks down on Bing

A police force is urging members of the public to report anyone playing an excessive amount of Bing Crosby during the recession. The Gloucestershire force hope to catch criminals flaunting their ill-gotten gains in front of a population that can ill-afford such luxuries as the crooner’s greatest hits.

Chief Constable Dr. Timothy Brain, said: “In times of financial uncertainty, those living a lavish lifestyle with no discernible, legitimate income become even more apparent.”

He hopes that the ‘Too Much Bing’ campaign, in conjunction with Crimestoppers, will send a clear message to drug dealers and thieves that their prized musical possessions are likely to be confiscated.

With the resurgence in the White Christmas hitmaker’s popularity amongst the felonious underworld, some habitual villains are being discovered when issued ASBOs for noise pollution. Since they care little about criminal records affecting their chances of employment, they have carried on belting out ironic renditions of ‘Brother, Can You Spare a Dime’ and catching them at it is where the Chief Constable feels the public can help.

However, the Chief Constable himself is now under suspicion, having been heard crooning ‘Moonlight Becomes You’ whilst carrying out his other duties as a neuro-surgeon at the local private hospital.

Mary-Mary: I’ve finally made up my mind

Celebrity gardener Mary-Mary Quite-Contrary the 3rd, grand-daughter of the feted nursery character beloved by all little girls, has decided once and for all that the cockle shells favoured by her predecessors have no place in her modern decked and tiered garden.

Mary-Mary had been dithering about retaining the age old elements, once a favourite with visitors to the estate, and admitted to our gardening expert, Hardeep Errenial, that the decision to ditch them had been a tough one. “Well, times change and I began to feel that if I kept the shells, I really ought to theme the section with sand castles and beach huts, that kind of thing – but to be honest, it’s bad enough trying to get the dirt out from under my fingernails, let alone sand. So they had to go.”

Hardeep asked if any of the other famous features were at risk of being removed from the world-renowned grounds, having noticed the garden was rather more quiet than normal. “Oh, god, yes – those silver bells were driving me insane – I ditched them a long time ago. And unfortunately, due to a new European Court of Human Rights ruling, I have to let the pretty maids go. They weren’t happy about it, but we’re gradually re-potting them and sending them off to the local Wyevale centre; apparently they’re going to run the coffee shop.”

Sunday Supplement: Celebrity Wiff Waff, Round Two

A close run series of games saw ex-politician Neil Hamilton leave the competition for good, this time facing wife Christine in the play-off. The round robin tournament left a four way tie at the top of the table, making the viewers vote more important than ever, and the former politician seemed to bear the brunt of the public’s current dissatisfaction with that particular occupation.

With the leader board turned on it’s head, TV presenter Gethin Jones was once more disqualified, this time because he couldn’t resist the apple and cream Danish turnovers. Commentator Don Libra expressed concern, saying that Gethin would have to learn to control his appetite, or there was every possibility he’d progress no further in the competition.

There was very little to choose between the Hamiltons; with them having practised together, they were of similar standard and the judges had a difficult decision to make. Finally, it was felt that Christine’s irksome positivity was slightly less tiresome than Neil’s laid back boringness, with Boris saying that he’d actually nodded off during Neil’s solo spot. Desmond stated that Christine reminded him of an older Lulu, whilst Nicky was staring aghast at Neil’s attire: She’d never seen stripes, spots and checks so blatantly abused before and frankly, he had to go.

Saturday Review: Kylie to cover classic soundtrack

In a surprising new direction for her latest album, pint-sized pop princess Kylie Minogue is covering the classic soundtrack to the film ‘The Sound of Music’. It will form the basis of her American tour announced yesterday.

Julie Andrews has long been an idol of the tiny Australian and Kylie finally fulfilled a dream this week, by performing the title track on top of a mountain in the Austrian town of Ischgl.

Reprising the role of Maria didn’t go completely to plan though, as Kylie tripped over a sprig of edelweiss and plummeted head first down the mountainside. However, the plucky Australian quickly adapted and curled into a ball, forward rolling her way to a standstill at the bottom. Shaken but otherwise unhurt, Kylie then admitted she’d actually planned the stunt and it would be incorporated into the tour show.

Her agent confirmed that the sprig of edelweiss had been replanted, along with an extra two sprigs, to ensure the sustainability of edelweiss in the region whilst Kylie tours.

Insurance Salesmen Take ‘No’ for Answer

Non - pushy salesman are alive and well and living in Barking, reports Joe King, who knocked on various doors in the borough to ascertain the truth behind the spate of policies being taken out by well informed, astute customers.

Following guidelines issued by financial organisations regarding 'Treating Customers Fairly', reports suggest that salesmen will go to any lengths to ensure they do not force customers to sign policies that aren't completely right for them. One actually refused more tea, whilst another tried to excuse himself very early on in the conversation, after identifying that the customer had no pressing need for pet insurance, since he didn’t actually own any pets.

But the worst case found by Joe was where a lady agent barricaded herself in the toilet with the home owner’s cactus plant, threatening to harm it if the customer refused to let her leave without obtaining a signature to a life plan. The woman was finally released when she called the police on her mobile.

Mrs Barrowby, 57, of Cherry Tree Gardens, who was cautioned by the police, was adamant that the agent was prejudiced against her, saying: “Stuck up cow - just because I’m not Scottish, or a widow, that’s all it is.”

Bra Tax: It’s not us doing it, claims Treasury

Outrage has quite rightly followed a decision by Marks and Spencer to add £2 onto the price of bras sized DD or bigger.

With the vast majority of women in the UK buying their underwear at the retailer, consumer groups are disgusted with M&S’s shoddy treatment of the larger sized ladies, who make up a whopping 88% of their loyal customer base.

And government officials were quick to point out that this £2 hike is NOT a tax, it’s nothing to do with them and the ladies in parliament are just as annoyed about it as the rest of us.

Even the national newspapers are taking up the call for this tax to get the axe, including the highbrow broadsheets. And The Sun added weight to the argument by saying: Click on the slideshow to see pics of the celebs with big boobs...

Police concerned over criminals “distraction”

A pregnant woman in Cumbria held up a bank cashier at gun point, only to become distracted when her mobile phone rang. Pausing in her instructions regarding the type of notes required and not to reach for the alarm, the woman, approximately 25 years old, began to gossip about the latest Posh Spice hat and wandered off without taking the swag bag with her.

A police spokesman said it’s not the first report of this nature they’ve received. A Birmingham shoplifter stealing a football magazine began reading it instead and absent-mindedly paid at the counter. Having removed various items from his person while he searched for his wallet, he then paid in full for everything, so engrossed was he in the story of Ronaldo’s alleged sex change.

And a graffiti artist from Sussex, after spraying “Dean4Shaz” got completely carried away and sprayed a whole epic love poem across a fifty foot supermarket wall. The arresting officer said that the offender, 22 year old Dean Perrin, became so distressed when given a scrubbing brush and told to remove the graffiti that he felt compelled to copy the whole missive down in his notebook, for Dean to give to Shaz at a later date.

“It’s a worrying trend,” stated the Metropolitan Police Commissioner, Sir Paul Stephenson. “We need to seek a meeting with kings of the criminal underworld as soon as possible, to ascertain how deep this pre-occupation business runs. The repercussions are worrying, not least because of the loss of overtime. We can’t have criminals going around paying for stuff they’d normally nick or creating things of beauty instead of vandalising, it’s just not natural.”

Shearer/Barton Brawl Rocks Dressing Room

A vicious and bloody fight erupted between Newcastle manager Alan Shearer and his errant midfielder Joey Barton in their dressing room, after Newcastle’s weekend loss against Liverpool.

According to reports, Shearer told Barton he had let both himself and the club down, playing up to his so-called hard-man reputation again. However, a furious Joey Barton apparently defended himself vigorously, telling Shearer that he was a bad manager, which prompted an incandescent Shearer to taunt him with an “Ooh, get you. Is that the best you’ve got?”

Barton, stung by the insinuation that he was really not that hard, countered immediately with: “No, your fence you creosoted that time – it stinks, you missed a bit. Everyone said so.”

Shearer was said to be livid at such a blatant attack on a long dead issue and immediately laid into Barton’s own creosoting skills, insinuating that the player simply wouldn’t have the patience to creosote a fence properly.

And a final insult, which left the dressing room shaken to its core, saw Shearer call into question the fitness of Barton’s hairdresser to legally practice in the North East.

Watchdog Reveals Guilty Phone Companies

The BBC’s long running complaints show tonight highlighted the fact that telephone companies are so technologically advanced, their automated telephone service can discover what kind of customer is calling and what their query is about.

It explains the instances where, when paying a bill, you get through immediately but when calling to find out why you’ve been debited too much, you end up cut off.

A spokesman for the industry stated: “Obviously, in this technological age, our highly sophisticated communications system identifies the number calling and knows, for example, if you are paid up to date on your bill which will give you priority over someone in arrears. Likewise, the system is sensitive to garlic, which will immediately result in you being placed at the back of the queue, however, if you promise it chocolate it will immediately transfer you to a priority service customer adviser. The system has, however, no patience with callers who dither over the options and will time out if the caller has not selected the right option for themselves within a nanosecond.”

When challenged regarding the unfairness of this system, the spokesman said: “I’m sorry, you’re question has not been recognised. This interview will now be terminated. “

Sunday Supplement: Viruses to power the cars of the future

The latest technical advances in battery manufacturing could be the answer to the current swine flu epidemic, as scientists make the breakthrough in transferring the virus from man to machine.

Viruses are now being used to help build batteries that can power not just small electrical items, but also cars. The virus is mixed with a so-called common bacteriophage which infects bacteria but is harmless to humans, and the process to build them uses no toxic materials harmful to the environment. It is also relatively cheap and speedy to manufacture, making the virus battery a commercial proposition.

All that is required of scientists now is to match car manufacturers with the best virus for their vehicles. From experiments so far, Mercedes seem to favour the chicken pox virus, VW work best with measles, whilst Ford settled for your average common or garden cold virus, and, having claimed this particular set are hoping the swine flu strain proves as strong and effective as World Health experts claim.

Saturday Review: The Osbornes to star in next Strictly?

Although the majority of the show’s viewers are apparently against the X-Factor judge taking part in their favourite show, BBC bosses are said to have wooed Ozzy’s missus with a £100,000 fee to appear on the next series of Strictly Come Dancing.

However, the offer of this huge fee, compared to the usual celebrity fee of around £25,000, has led to general murmurs of discontent from the Pro dancers, already badly paid in comparison with the rest of the show’s staff and is having a knock on effect, in that subsequent invited celebrities are demanding the same.

A BBC insider was quick to defend their offer to Mrs Osborne, insisting that they would be getting value for money, as Ozzy had agreed to be the resident entertainment every week and Sharon would also be undertaking the job of warm up act before the start of the show.

In excerpts to be shown during It Takes Two the following week, Sharon will be seen juggling with fire sticks, high flying on a specially adapted trapeze and sword swallowing, all the while wearing a leopard print catsuit. The insider stated: “It’s a win/win situation as far as we’re concerned: We get value for money, our warm up guy - who’s a terrific dancer - gets to take part, Sharon’s fans see more of her and the people who hate her can keep their fingers crossed it all goes horribly wrong.”

Man Catches Cold, Possibly From Friends

Scottish man, Graeme Patch, 42, told today of his horror at contracting a cold from friends, after visiting them for dinner recently.

Speaking from his bedroom, wrapped in a duvet and having his brow mopped by his mother, Mr. Patch told Independent Radio News that he felt: “Really bad, my food is tasting a bit funny so I think I might have a touch of catarrh too, actually.”

World Health Organisation officials visited Mr. Patch to comfort him and ease his suffering, unfortunately, Dr. Ian Lane immediately began to feel a bit faint and had to be helped back to their car by his female colleague, Ms Maidment, who miraculously seems to have escaped infection.

Neighbours on the street where Mr. Patch lives have spoken out at their terror of catching the cold from him, with the local postman refusing even to approach the house. Instead, Ms Maidment was required to paint a big red cross on the front door, to alert the whole neighbourhood of the possible contamination.

Meanwhile, Mr. Patch's mum is also undergoing tests - for ‘Care Rage’ - as it appears that with every passing minute, her son’s whinging is beginning to take it’s toll.