Love Triangle Widow Speaks Out

Linda, the female penguin said to be the cause of the split between gay surrogate penguin parents, Harry and Pepper, has denied that she is a selfish home-wrecker.

Speaking from one of two nests she now co-habits with Harry in a San Francisco zoo, Linda wiped away a tear as she told how Pepper attacked her in front of her chicks, accusing her of ‘stealing’ Harry by using her female pheromones to lure him from his side. Zoo keepers shooed Pepper away, while Harry placed a protective flipper around Linda, escorting her back to their second, more secluded home.

Pepper has since been left dejectedly wandering around the pen, however, the zoo administrator said that offers of a meaningful relationship have already started to pour in from other zoos with similarly lovesick gay penguins and they’re hopeful they’ll be able to fix Pepper up with another mate in the very near future. “The only problem is, he’s bloody fussy. They’ve got to have nice webbing, a good sense of humour and enjoy reading Dostoevsky or he’s just not interested.”

Pope in second holiday accident

Pope Benedict XVI has suffered another injury, this time to his left ankle, on the final day of his holiday at a chalet in the northern Italian alpine village of Valle d'Aorsta.

The 82 year old Pope insisted on bungee jumping from the cable car, in spite of doctors treating his broken wrist advising against it. The Pope, however, decided that there was little point in wasting his final week moping about, instead yelling "In for a penny, in for a pound" (only in German. And in the euros equivalent) as well as "Geronimo" as he threw himself off at the height of the cable car's trajectory.

Unlike in his first accident, which was caused by him tripping over his mozzetta, when ski-ing across moguls on a black run - always tricky in season, even more so during the summer - the blame for the ligament tear to his ankle lay firmly with the fact that his brittle bones were too old to bear his weight as he flung himself two hundred feet into mid air, attached only to an elastic band with delusions of grandeur.

The Vatican assured its congregation that the Pope was fully covered under his holiday insurance and they didn't need to donate any extra in the collection plates.

Celebs in Crisis as Recession Hits Appearance Fees

BBC's flagship show Strictly Come Dancing denied it was in crisis over two "celebrities" pulling out, stating that it was the "celebs" themsleves who were struggling between the decision to accept pay cuts or being consigned back to a satellite channel or some other obscure channel (that viewers forget about because they still only look at the first page of a TV paper, with the possible exception of knowing that Dave is Freeview 19) and thus losing the mass worldwide coverage given them by the BBC on their Saturday night extravaganza that the media cannot stop talking about!

"Let's face it" stated a BBC insider "most of the big name presenters started off on the BBC - they wouldn't have been able to command the salaries they did from other stations if they hadn't first come to prominence with the Beeb. They seem to forget that where we found them, we can find others who want that big break into national television."

The insider's claims appear to be backed up by the general public, whose response to the news regarding Sharon Osbourne, since she disappeared off X-Factor, was "Who is she again?" whilst in respect of Richard Madeley, no longer the tea-time face of Channel Four, it was just "Who?"

A Mrs. Sploggle from Pontefract summed up the mood of the nation with a few well chosen words: "I'd give up my paltry £10k a year to dance for £50,000 over four months, as I'm sure would the thirty people my company have made redundant and the other ten who preferred to take early retirement rather than a pay cut. People like her (Sharon Osbourne) and him (Richard Madeley) want to drag their arses out into the real world, the lazy-good-for-nothing-bastards."

Row Brewing over Britain's Strongest Beer

In pubs around the country, the fairness of arm wrestling bouts between rival beers are being called into question, folllowing the revelation that Tokyo beer is being drip fed steroids to improve its performance.

At 18% proof, compared to Fosters paltry 4%, the new Tokyo beer has swept all before it - even Tennants Super, at 8%, much to David's chagrin - but James Watt, spokesman for independant Scottish brewer Brewdog, slammed the organisers of the contests, saying there are no rules that prevent him from upping the dosage of glucose in his beer, or adding cranberries, a well known so-called 'superfood'.

"And who the hell let Bud Light in the competition anyway? Of course it was going to get slaughtered. That's where the irresponsibilty lies - not with us."

Mayors and rabbits arrested in U.S. Corruption Probe

Federal prosecutors in the States have said that over forty city officials and religious leaders have been ensnared during an ongoing investigation, including a politician, three mayors, two state assembley men - who had to leave the Ikea cabinets they were working on still flat packed - and several dozen rabbits, said to be responsible for the laundering of funds through animal welfare charities in Israel.

As well as money laundering, funds were also being raised through the sale of state of the art black market Gucci kidneys, the new accessory of the rich and famous - deadly dangly decorations for their Gucci handbags.

The number of rabbits arrested has since been revised to several hundreds, with further reports a few hours later estimating a rise to thousands. All bar one of the rabbits are said to be Democrats.

Sunday Supplement: Strictly Bosses Deny Sexism and Ageism

With still more celebrities speaking out against the BBC's alleged sexism and ageism, controller Jay Hunt has finally spoken out to set the record sraight.

"It truly isn't sexism and ageism - it's ageism only, and to prove that to you I'm dropping Bruce in favour of Vernon Kay. Now you may think that having both Tess and Vernon on the same show is a bit much and you'd be right - so I'm sacking Tess.

And to further disprove your accusations of sexism and reinforce those of ageism, I'm replacing her with a younger model - her four year old daughter, Phoebe. That leaves Tess nicely positioned in her proper place - at home, looking after new baby Amber. Yes, I know it'll be Phoebe's first TV presenting post and she hasn't quite got Tess' level of experience, but I have faith that she'll be able to connect with the vast majority of our audience and will bring a new dynamic to the show."

We asked Vernon Kay what he thought about the change in his family circumstances and he said he had no problem, as long as he wasn't the only one bringing in a wage and that his dinner was ready and waiting for him when he got home.

Reports that 13 year old Young Musician of the Year 2008, Peter Moore, is taking over from Dave Arch as musical director have not yet been denied.

Saturday Review: Torchwood Unlimited

It seemed we may have said 'farewell' to Torchwood at the end of recent series 'Children of Earth' but creator Russell T Davies has other ideas up his sleeve.

In secret talks with BBC chief Mark Thompson, plans are afoot to expand Torchwood into a franchise that will cover all age groups, with a Cbeebies production Torchwoodykins leading the way.

It seems Davies is not content with just having a Dr.Who film on the go and was bouyed by the reception of the Radio 4 plays that went out to coincide with Children of Earth. Gathering a stellar cast and crew around him, production meetings for sitcom Two Portions of Space Dust and a Packet of Spark Plugs are already in full swing, with it scheduled to take the early evening Saturday tea time slot. Competition for a place in what's been deemed the "Torchwood T.A.R.D.I.S" has been fierce, with a full on fist fight between Little Britain and Ricky Gervais, who apparently thought Stephen Merchant was backing him up (only to find he'd nipped to the BBC canteen for a doughnut).

Davies denies he was partly responsible for the demise of that slot's previous incumbent, Robin Hood, in demanding the special effects budget for his shows. But with a new series of the post-watershed show - Torchwood:Resurrection - planned, and a CBBC spin-off, Torchwood High, it appears the BBC have precious little left for any other shows.

An insider also confirmed another series in the planning stage: Torchwood: The Next Generation will be set twenty five years in the future, with Gwen's son, Ianto, heading the team. Questions over Ianto's parentage will of course become an issue, when Gwen steps in to halt a burgeoning relationship between her son and Cap'n Jack!

However, rumours that Davies is hooking up with Joss Whedon to create Torchwood: At The Hellmouth have been hotly denied, although James Marsters is said to be keen to reprise his previous roles in both series.

Joyriders Wreak Havoc

Police have released CCTV footage of a reckless driver failing to stop at the site of an accident she caused. The elderley woman and her partner were travelling along the stretch of the A12 between Ipswich and Lowestoft in Suffolk when the incident took place, leaving the male victim shaken and in need of hospital treatment.

No-one else is being sought in connection with the incident.

New Dance Act Take Streetdance Championship 2009

Simon Cowell has pronounced The Evian Babies the act to beat, when Britain's Got Talent returns next year. The Evian Babies hope to follow in the footsteps of their idols, Diversity, who won the Streetdance Title in 2008, before going on to take the Britain's Got Talent title this year.

Sunday Supplement: Swearing at other road users proven to get them out the way

The more timid of road users are easily intimidated by a shaking fist in their rear view mirror, but it’s the mouthed profanities that really do the trick, according to researchers in Keele University in Staffordshire.

With experiments proving that swearing improves pain tolerance - the instinct to yell “Oh, f*ck it!” when stubbing your toe or “Sh*******t!” when hammering your thumb instead of a nail is a universal linguistic phenomenon that has been around for centuries - it follows that mouthing off at fellow drivers really does work, making them immediately move out of the way, as proven continually in Formula One, as Team Radios are intercepted by rival teams.

“We’ve known that for years,” boasted Ross Brawn of ... er, Brawn GP “When I was at Ferrari we had great fun patching Michael through to the back markers, why do you think they moved out of his way so quickly?”

Saturday Review: Killarney’s Horses Must Wear Nappies

The owner/drivers of Killarney National Park Jarveys – the horse drawn carts so synonymous with Killarney, have entered into a sponsorship deal with Huggies, which could see them earning millions over the next five years.

Following complaints from ramblers about the amount of horse dung they were having to negotiate on their way around trails, Jarvey owners were going to be banned from using the park, if they refused to harness their animals to a required dung catcher.

However, in the subsequent bidding war between leading nappy brands Pampers and Huggies, a deal was finally struck, with Huggies sealing the exclusive deal to supply Killarney for the foreseeable future.

Shock! Horror! Editor Takes Holiday!

It's true, I'm off for a couple of weeks now, so the Daily Scatter will be less of the Daily and more of a Scattering here and there.

In the meantime, here's a few similar sites for you - make sure you return here though! (Their language can be a bit fruitier than mine and I know your eyes are a bit delicate - I take no responsibility, you're on your own! :-D)

Surreal Scoop - Stinky Ponky - The Daily Mash - Scunt

Government Increase Stealth Taxes “to benefit health”

A man was charged £10 quadrillion pounds for cigarettes, in the most emphatic evidence yet that the government is determined to force smokers to quit the filthy habit, by pricing them out of the market.

Mancunian Josh Muszynski was charged the extortionate amount at a Mobil petrol station, who also charged him £5 billion for a packet of cheese and onion crisps, confirming once and for all the stealth tax imposed on anything the government considers unhealthy.

“I didn’t dare look at how much I paid for the can of coke,” stated Mr Muszynski, who was speaking from the forecourt of the garage. He’d stopped to check his receipt and had been rooted to the spot in shock ever since.

Suspected German 'CampSite Bomber' Blows Up Own Flat

A 45 year old German man has escaped serious injury during an explosion at his home, but is now being investigated by anti-terrorist police in Dusseldorf.

It has been alleged that Dietmar Von Kampervan is the 'CampSite Bomber' - so called following three attacks on camping sites across Germany. It appears that Von Kampervan may have snapped, following a horror weekend that left him traumatised, when it took more than twenty-four hours to put up a simple one man tent in a howling gale, the portaloo didn't work and he wasn't invited to a neighbour's barbecue.

The device he'd made using a sleeping bag, tyre repair solvent and an electric pump blew the wall of his flat into the stairwell and fire brigade had to evacuate both that block and the next door block whilst checking for structural damage.

Due to the attacks, Germans have been wary of anyone carrying a sleeping bag for some time, especially if tightly packed into their correct carry bag; it’s a well known fact that only a meticulous person with violent tendencies has the patience and skill to re-pack a sleeping bag properly after use.

Youngest Ever Olympian Coming to London

The newly crowned Canadian champion in another sport joining the Olympics in London 2012, is amazingly just three years old, and will take his place in the world's premier sporting event at the tender age of six years.

Demetrius Jones won the right to represent his country after a marathon 2 hour, 12km float down a British Columbia river, showing amazing composure for one so young, in the Canadian Toy Truck Rafting Championships. Fittingly, his record breaking achievement took place on his birthday.

Proud parents Mr and Mrs Jones, said they'd named their son Demetrius because of his fantastic affinity with water and they were very much looking forward to him taking on the cream of the world's athletes in thee years time.

BA Jumbo Evacuated in Fumes Scare

An already late-running BA Jumbo Jet was delayed even further before leaving the USA for London, as passengers were evacuated due to fumes filling the plane just prior to the scheduled take off.

Engineers checking over the plane were stumped until they came across a drunken Englishman lolling about in an overhead compartment, who confirmed that a flight attendant had kindly served him with fifteen pints of beer along with his dinner.

While this accounted for some of the fumes, the main cause was eventually traced to a disgruntled member of the in-flight caterers, who’d served up a main meal comprising chicken vindaloo, baked beans, brussel sprouts and pickled onions.

Passengers who were asked why they hadn’t queried the strange combination, said it was the tastiest meal they'd ever had on a flight and didn't want it taken away from them, however bizarre the concoction.

Sunday Supplement: Celebrity Wiff Waff Semi-Final

Controversy reigned supreme at the penultimate show in this highly charged and emotional first series of Celebrity Wiff Waff, as chef Gordon Ramsay, making is first appearance in the play-off, went head to head with pop princess Su-Elise Nash, in the play-off for the third week running, much to her distress.

Judge Desmond Dekker, the ex-British Table Tennis number one, stormed languidly off the judges gantry when TV and radio presenter Gethin Jones and superstar Madonna went straight through to the final, leaving his favourite, Su-Elise in the play-off yet again. Desmond denied this was the case, however, insisting he'd just left his earphones in the dressing room.

Gethin narrowly escaped the bottom two, merely being stripped of half his points for gorging on the fruit bowl after the final whistle. The general consensus was that he'd have definitely been in the play-off had he been disqualified and Jay Hunt, BBC Controller, categorically denied that the corporation was being ageist or sexist in ensuring this didn't happen. "That's just the way the cookie crumbles," she reportedly told Gordon, who apparently retorted. "My cookies never &*&^%$& crumble, you ^%$£^*&."

It was a tense play-off that saw a tentative Su-Elise being bullied unmercilessly by a fired up Gordon, but it wasn't enough to see him through. Boris said that Gordon had whipped up a stir fry of tasty play but Nicky said she was dying to see the back of those checked trousers, to which Gordon replied: "That can be %^&*&^% arranged, you &*^^%%" before Desmond cast his vote for Su-Elise as usual, at which point Gordon really lost it and the Beeb's beep machine exploded.

The BBC received 1540 complaints regarding Gordon's language, but 475,000 about Su-Elise being put through instead of him.

Saturday Review: The Tower Blues Festival

The cream of blues artists descend on London's Tower Festival on September 17th, performing some of the most stirring blues songs written in the past seventy years.

Blue Man Group are set to headline the event, giving Madonna's True Blue the edge the original never truly achieved, while Blue Oyster Cult are showcasing their version of Blue Moon. Aqua, making a welcome return to the stage, bring us the joy of Mr. Blue Sky, without the annoying musicians and singers.

The second half of the show will kick off with Blue is the Colour given a whole new lease of life by the Blues Brothers tribute band - and there's a rumour going around that there may be a 'special' guest who had a 'special' affinity with Chelsea, whose initials may begin with JM - but you didn't hear that from me!

Blue cement their comeback with a cracking version of Blue Monday and all the artists will take to the stage for a rousing finale with The Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia.

It promises to be the event of the year - if you haven't already booked your tickets, why not?

Dumbledore Discovers Crabbe's Drugs Hoard

... and combined with the mystical, magical energy of the anicent warlock, it wasn't a good look.

Elixir of Life Discovered

Scientists have discovered a substance on Easter Island that they believe will become the ultimate anti-ageing potion and are rushing to patent the biochemical compound before L'Oreal or Olay can get their hands on it.


NHS Trusts however, have issued a statement asking if the makers of the elixir have given any thought to the pressure placed upon hospitals and GP surgeries if this 'elixir' were produced in pill form, as has been suggeseted. The Undertakers Union also expressed their disgust and outrage at the idea, slamming the scientists for their irresponsibility and demanding assurances that their profession will not suffer financially.

The anti-fungal agent produced by soil bacteria has preserved the Easter Island figures for millenia and it's believed the product produced could extend life expectancy by up to eighty years. The only drawback is it turns you to stone, although it's apparent that some people - those who see plastic as their only alternative - do not see this as a problem.

Sculptors report an increase in enquiries for their services, in particular, life size scuptures and plinths for exhibition purposes, along with information regarding public display in residential areas, as the general populace seek to be immortalised in their front gardens for all eternity.

PM's Wife Blogs About First Ladies Jolly

Prime Minister's wife Sarah Brown must have had a glass or few too many when she let slip on her blog the details of the so-called 'spouses summit' at the G8 in Italy.

Following a day spent on a wine bar crawl and designer shopping trip organised by Berlusconi's Interior Minister, Miss L'Aquila 2002, the First Ladies pigged out on tins of Heinz Ravioli, specially flown into Rome because Russian premier's wife, Mrs Putin, won't eat anything else.

They then adjourned to the gardens of the British Embassy to enjoy the honey harvest from the resident beehives. Here they were greeted by the Italian equivalent of the Chippendales, La Cassinas, a naked male dance troupe, specially invited by Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi. Mrs Brown's description of what happened was hurriedly deleted, but not before comments such as *ahem* and *phew* and *fans self* had been noted by the world's media.

Little Piggies Speak Out Against Conditions

The five little piggies at that heart of the "This little piggy went to market" rhyme have finally decided to speak up about the shocking conditions they endure for the self-gratification of parents and children throughout the world.

"It's no fun spending every spare minute at that stupid market you know," sniffed Piggy Number One, "just for once it'd be nice if I could go to the cinema or, oh, I dunno - Thorpe Park or Chessington would be nice."

Piggy Number Two, however, said Piggy Number One should be grateful he got to see the outside of their house. "I was made to stay home and now, when I want to be out exploring the world, I find I can't - I've developed agoraphobia from being stuck here for so long. The fantasy will of children at bedtime is a terrible, terrible thing."

The fourth little piggy tutted: "At least you get some decent grub occasionally - I have to sit here watching him (he indicated the third little piggy) stuffing himself full of roast beef -"

"Oh, you think I wouldn't like something else for a change? Trust me, if I could give you the damn beef, I would. I've yearned to try sushi but it just ain't happening, is it?" Piggy Number Three then stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

And the fifth little piggy went: "Sod this for a game of soldiers; I'm ripping it up in Ibiza as a rave DJ. See ya."

Telford Retains UK Snooker Championship

Shropshire's Telford has retained the UK Snooker Championship for the third year in a row, but the result was met with outrage from actual snooker players, furious that the North West town was awarded the championship without lifting a cue.

Ronnie O'Sullivan, John Higgins and defending champion Shaun Murphy are petitioning the governing body, saying it should be impossible to retain the title without being able to play the game.

And Stephen Hendry complained: "It makes a mockery of everything I stand for. I didn't knock myself out all these years to see some upstart town who didn't practice, never played a single match and doesn't even bother turning up for tournaments elsewhere just walk away with the title."

Sunday Supplement: Ecclestone stands by "Credit where credit's due" comments

As exclusive interviews go, this isn't one. But comments from a source close to Formula One Supremo Bernie Eccleston, suggest that comments attributed to Eccleston, suggesting that Eccleston was a fan of former evil dictator, Hitler, were taken completely out of context and he was in no way condoning or excusing the atrocities committed. The source went on to say:

"Bernie just feels that when someone has an aptitude for something that, regardless of what else they may or may not achieve in life, that particular skill should be recognised. Some people may be woefully inadequate when engaging with others socially, yet may be a great artist or musician. He wasn't just talking about Hitler - he said Ian Huntley was a great example - no-one ever remembers what a fantastic caretaker he was, do they? Or Ian Brady's landscape gardening skills. Yes, what they did was evil and wicked, but like Bernie says - credit where credit's due. Where would medical science be without Jack the Ripper?"

Eccleston's ability to see the good in everyone has come back to bite him in the nether regions before, by way the ill-advised donation of £1 million to the Labour Party, covering the cost of a private party for the cabinet. The source shuffled uncomfortably and admitted that the bill, including £36,000 for plastic pint glasses had 'surprised' them somewhat and they wouldn't be doing it again in a hurry.

Saturday Review: US Network Scoop Robin Hood

The BBC's decision to axe popular Saturday night tea time special, Robin Hood, caused outrage amongst fans of the show, however, there is light at the end of the wooded glade as US giant network, Fox, have successfully negotiated with the English National Heritage Trust to bring their own re-imagining of the popular English myth to our screens.

July the 4th seems the perfect day to announce the remake - it's been updated and will be set against the backdrop of the American War of Independence and will focus on the love triangle between Robin (Brad Pitt) Marian (Angelina Jolie) and the Sheriff of Nottingham (George Clooney, in a rare baddie role for him). Whilst giving nothing away, let's just say Marian is left reeling by revelations as the series progresses!

Fox Chairman Peter Rice said: "We're very excited by the cast we're assembling - Benicio Del Toro was magnificent as Friar Tuck in the screentest and bringing in Jennifer Aniston as King George's daughter, Augusta Sophia, adds extra spice."

Some critics have questioned the validity of setting the well known legend in a different era and country, suggesting that the links with the original may be quite tenuous, but Rice rebuffs this. "There's a demand for this kind of show that the BBC - and ITV, for that matter - would do well to recognise - their public don't want endless inane quiz shows, but quality drama shot on location. With our new satellite beaming direct into Britain's homes, we hope to put the action and adventure back into the British living room on a Saturday night. Just wait till the episode where the anomalies open and the dinosaurs start popping out - stunning!"

Andy Murray Resigns Self To Just Being Scottish Again

Following his expulsion from Wimbledon at the hands of American Andy Roddick, Scotsman Andy Murray said he won't let it ruin his year, especially when it comes to Hogmanay, as, being a true Scotsman he'll make the most of the only night of the year he can let himself go and down a few Scotches.

Losing in four sets, the Scotsman said that one of the truly disappointing aspects of bowing out was the fact that he would no longer be referred to as 'Brit' Andy Murray. However, he would learn to cope until the next Wimbledon or his first Grand Slam victory, whichever came first, when he would, of course, become British again, if only for one Sports Personality of the Year Award night.

He joins fellow Scottish superstars who are sometimes British, David Weir and Chris Hoy, in happily representing the whole nation when there is a World Championship or Olympic title at stake, but reserved the right to support any nation other than England when it came to football.

Kournikova Serves up Knockout Backhand

Ex-tennis pin-up, Anna Kournikova, has taken up professional boxing and won her first bout at the Lavo venue in Las Vegas.

Her opponent, Sri Lankan champion Vicky Glassyersoonaslookatchaminger, initially took the lead in the first round, catching Kournikova unawares with a stunning right hook, but was unable to match her initial flurry, succumbing to the steady onslaught from Kournikova until finally forced to throw in the towel with six rounds remaining.

It was a masterly display from Kournikova, whose relative inexperience didn't stop her taking the fight to Glassyersoonaslookatchaminger, a veteran with nine championship bouts behind her. The victory sets up a match with the current WBO Champion Paula Molina and seals the deal on a number of lucrative photo shoots with all the major glossies.

Manchester United Chairman Unhappy at Loss of Ronaldo

Secretly shot footage has come into our possession, of a top level meeting in the Manchester United boardroom and we feel it is entirely in the interest of public to publish this remarkable piece of film.

However, please be aware that it does contain shocking images and foul language, so if you are of a nervous disposition, please do not watch.

No, really - we're serious, do not watch if you are easily offended by coarse language and slight racist overtones. Please note, the views contained therein are not held by anyone associated with The Daily Scatter or its sister publications.

Please also do not watch if you have a) recently had stitches, or b) recently had a baby, or c) a bad back or d) a dodgy ticker, or e) most importantly, bladder control problems.




You have been warned!