Waterfall Addict in Marathon Gamble

A Solihull woman has left her family concerned and also highly embarrassed as she continues to play on a 2p waterfall game in the amusement arcade on Southwold Pier, in Suffolk.

Mrs Jeannine Smedley was just wandering around the arcade aimlessly when she found a pound coin on the floor under the Air Hickey game and decided to exchange it for 2ps in the change machine nearby.

Turning to the nearest game, she began feeding the 2ps in wantonly, with a view to just wasting five minutes. Instead, however, she found herself winning more and more 2ps back, as the overfull machine began to spout 2ps out of its shoot. Whooping deliriously as she also won a tiny keyring in the shape of a pink mini, she became more feverish as the more bronze she fed the mechanical monster, the more spilled out onto the floor around her.

"It's quite a sad case," said arcade cleaning lady Mrs Bagley, "I mean, I've seen mums in here bored stupid, who end up just feeding the one arm bandits for something to do and who stop dead the moment their husband decide to leave. But Mrs Smedley just keeps waving hers away, he just can't get her off it. He's tempting her with chocolate and ice cream but she just won't budge."

Mrs Smedley scowled at the reporters surrounding her, denying that she'd ruined her children's weekend with her obsession. "Oh, it's all them them them, isn't it," she snapped waspishly. "Well, this is my time and I'm not leaving this machine until all these coins are gone."

Sunday Supplement: Where Are They Now? Sir Paul Condon

Since retiring from public life in 2000, the Right Honourable The Lord Condon QPM, DL could have settled for a quiet time fishing or for nice strolls around the park, but no - instead Sir Paul took an adult education course in IT and website construction and looked around for a suitable position in which to apply his new found skills.

Contacts forged through his Fellowship in the Royal Society of Arts brought him to the attention of the BBC and Strictly Come Dancing producer Jay Hunt, who wanted to update the Strictly web site and message boards and felt that Sir Paul, although a bit on the old side, was at least a proper bloke in the Uncle Len Goodman mould and was therefore the ideal candidate to fill the position.

Sir Paul was thrilled to be given full control of the site and says he hopes the fans approve of the changes he's made, particularly where the forums are concerned. "They needed policing - especially after last year, when there was a lot of nastiness and libellous accusations being bandied around."

The new boards have tougher security measures in force to prevent such atrocities taking place this year, with every member being forced to undergo stringent tests to sign in to the boards. The verification process means that new members registering will be moderated for the entire duration of this series and returning members will only be allowed in after their seventeenth attempt at logging on.

Sir Paul is also thrilled to be a part of the growing Twitter explosion, as the BBC embraces the latest place to be. As @bbcstrictly he says he's never been so popular.

"It's makes a nice change," he sighed contentedly "coming in to work and knowing the worst I have to deal with is denying rumours that Craig's shagging Alesha."

Saturday Film Review: Ice Age 4 - Dawn of the Deadbeat

Manny and co have their work cut out after Peaches younger brother turns 16, forgets he's a mammoth and, in scenes eerily reminiscent of his mother's belief that she was a small mammal, he runs away and moves in with a tribe of neanderthals, convinced his destiny lies with them.

Ellie's concern for her son reaches fever pitch when she tracks him down to the tribe's camp and finds him lolling about the cave during the day, being waited on hand and foot, then coming alive at night and trawling the local area in search of cheap booze, drugs and sex.

With Diego and Sid in tow, Manny sets off on the quest for the redemption of his son, in an altogether grittier, edgier, 18-rated addition to the Ice Age franchise.

Ministers Ban "Sexting"

Fed up with the constant "kerplunk" of Gordon's phone every five minutes, exasperated ministers came up with a plan to stop the constant stream of messages exchanged between the Prime Minister and pal Lord Mandelson, during their so-called "working" holidays.

In an administrative blunder that saw seperate destinations inadvertently booked for the two men by Mrs Brown, Lord Mandelson ended up in Corfu, whilst the Prime Minister hung about his native Scotland, before returning early to Downing Street because, he says, he was "bored."

Invoking a piece of strategic planning in such a smooth and efficient way as to totally wrong foot Gordon (unused as he is to such practices) the Parliamentary Under-Secretary finally manoeuvered the Downing Street Tea Lady into position and managed to accidentally drop the Prime Minister's I-phone into his mid morning cuppa, thereby effectively ending all communications with Corfu.

A source close to the tea lady says she was "livid - absolutely livid"and that "never in all these years" had she had to deal with so many asinine idiots who "couldn't just turn the thing off, no, they had to ruin my lovingly-embroidered-by-my-grandmother's-own-fair-hand tea-tray mat. Bastards."

Strictly Contestant in Cheat Storm!

According to a show's insider, the Strictly contestants are said to be "furious" at the revelation that actress Lynda Bellingham has previous dance experience.

The 61 year old, famed for her Oscar-winning performance in kitchen sink drama The Oxo Ads has twenty years experience on her competitors in the BBC flagship show. World champion boxer, Joe Calzaghe, apparently burst into tears upon receiving the news, whilst actor Ricky Whittle, having taken part in a charity dance event once, was said to "put out" as he thought he would be the one with the head start.

What do you think? Should Lynda be axed from the programme now? Should anyone who has previous dance experience (ie. joined in with Jingo down the local disco, been made to take part in their school's version of Joseph etc.) be allowed to participate. Or don't you think her efforts in this video will be of any advantage to her in the coming series of Strictly Come Dancing?

103 year old Arlene Phillips is currently playing the role of "The Insider."

Reynolds' Green Lantern Set To Battle Fox's Catwoman for Box Office Ratings

The battle of the superheroes is well and truly on, as the stars for the new Batman movie were confirmed today.

Reprising their earlier roles, Christian Bale and Michael Caine will be joined by Lost actor, Matthew Fox, who, in a surprising twist to the franchise, portrays erstwhile love interest Catwoman - who turns out to be a drag queen!

Director Christopher Nolan said it was time the films reflected the changes in society and that it was only the lack of a decent script that had prevented him from presenting the gay angle sooner. He also expressed concern about the popularity of rival film The Green Lantern, following the casting of veteran stud, Burt Reynolds, in the title role.

Reynolds, 83, still possesses the allure that made him an irresistable box office draw and Nolan admits his crew had to market their movie to a different audience to have any chance of competing at the box office.

Craig: I Want Arlene Back

On the very day the full line-up was revealed, Strictly Come Dancing's Mr. Nasty, Craig Revel Horwood, slipped straight into his persona and began bitching about new judge Alesha Dixon.

Having been sat alongside Arlene Phillips, Len Goodman and Bruno Tonioli since the show's beginnings back in 2004, Craig has always been known as 'the young, pretty, nasty one' and is said to be livid that the 'young and pretty' part of that monniker will now be bestowed on Alesha instead of him.

"It's just not fair," whined Craig, "I've always been the one to do a little turn on It Takes Two too - what's the betting they ask Alesha to do that instead? I want Arlene back - she always made me look good."

Alesha refused to comment, however, she was recently seen leaving a joke shop near the BBC Television Centre, where a staff member confided: "She bought three whoopee cushions, some itching powder, fake dog poo and a pair of fake boobs. She knows what she's up against and she's fully prepared for any nonsense from Craig."

Tory Apologises Over Sexist 'Joke'

The Conservative local party chairperson for Southampton, Alanna Scarey, says she was "joking" when she promised her female constituents she'd only select a male MP if he had the face of Eric Bana (in Troy) the body of Brad Pitt (in Troy) and was hung like the wooden horse (in Troy).

Details then emerged that Ms Scarey had previously been accused of sexual harrassmant by a junior office worker, who jumped on the bandwagon of criticism so fast, he strained his groin. Ms Scarey's offers of treatment were frowned upon by ministers, saying it was "highly inappropriate, seeing as she was not a medical professional and would therefore not be covered under the insurance."

As condemnation poured in from all parties, Ms Scarey, 47, rolled her eyes, saying: "For Christ's sake, can't anyone take a joke these days?"

She was immediately suspended by the Tory party, following complaints from church groups.

Sunday Supplement: Is The Air Instrument World Championships Future in Doubt?

It's a must-be-there event for wannabe instumentalists with no discernible musical knowledge or talent but, somewhere in the heart of the event, the organisers were frantically trying to hold it together, as, once again, controversy reigned over the victory of yet another guitarist.

An event stalwart, who wished to remain anonymous, told me: "It's the age old problem - with Noel Gallagher, Eric Clapton and George Benson making up three-quarters of the judging panel, it was never going to be anything else, was it? Richard Clayderman was hopelessly outnumbered."

Frenchman Sylvain Quimene was voted the winner, after receiving 35.1 points to knock last year's winner, American Craig "Hot Lixx Hulahan" Billmeier into joint second place with his US compatriot Andrew "William Ocean" Litz, on 24.8 points - meaning that ever since its inception, guitarists have comprised the top three.

The jury award marks based on the choice of music, stage presence, technical merit and artistic impression and it was at this point that the championship boiled over, with many in the audience believing that Australian percussionist Dan "Gimme a Stick and I'll Bang Anything That Moves" Muffschnieffer was totally robbed. He gave an awesome display, in which he played his drums upside down, used his buttocks to clash his invisible cymbals together and delivered big drum foot-pedalling to rival Sir Chris Hoy - his interpretation of the William Tell Overture however, appeared not to be to the liking of Head Judge Noel, who was scathing in his criticism of Dan's outfit, saying: "E's showing us 'is bum! Tha's 'orrible, that is. Put it away, man."

The judges, out of sync with the devotees of the whole air genre, appear to have put the competition's future at stake. Many fans filed away from the arena, shaking their heads and saying they'd not be back again. We can only hope that sense prevails and the organisers see fit to have a panel that represents each musical group for next time, or this bastion of pretence could be lost to the arts forever.

Saturday Review: Rameses Kitchen Dream for King Tut

Archaeologists working in Egypt have uncovered more evidence of why the Pharoahs were treated with such reverence, as one of the first celebrity chef's essential guide came to light.

Doug Downe said the unearthing of what is believed to be an ancient public kitchen, shaped in an oval with seating arranged around three sides, as though for an audience, shed new light on the relationship between the ancients and their peoples.

Showing a passion for barbecue food hitherto unknown, it appears that King Tut loved nothing more than entertaining his subjects, particularly with his speciality dish - Rameses Revenge - into which he sprinkled liberal amounts of specially imported herbs and spices from the other end of the Nile and made available with mutton, prawn and fowl off-the-bone.

Honey roasted fowl and onion kebabs also appear to have been a favourite, along with sun-dried fish and fig burgers.

It raised the question, though, why the Pharoahs would not have hired chefs, to which Doug shrugged and said: "Maybe he just liked to cook, lots of people do."

Or maybe he just couldn't get the slaves!

**The book has been scanned and reprinted and can be found for sale on Amazon.

Water Sliding Included in 2012 Olympics

Following hot on the heels of some of Britain's other most popular sports, the 'Big Slip' as it's known colloquially, will join the likes of Rugby 7s in London, and we're pleased to bring you exclusive footage of our current World Champion in action, taking the title in Sheffield recently.

Female Athlete In Sex-test Drama

An international athlete may be banned from competition if 'she' fails a sex-test, after allegations that 'she' is repeatedly using the mens' changing room in Berlin - with reports confirming that none of the men noticed!

The I.A.A.F. have refused to name the athlete. "We are more concerned for this person and do not wish to make this as something that is humiliating," stated I.A.A.F. spokesman, Nick Davis, in a pathetic attempt at plain English.

However, a source close to the changing room (in an alcove just opposite, in fact) told us: "It should tell you all you need to know that he talked about 'this person' rather than 'her'. And if course it's bloody embarrassing. And obvious too - those knickers they wear don't hide a thing. Sorry" he apologised hastily. "I just can't bear to use the 'p' word, in case my mum's listening."

Black Lace Inspire New Reality Dance Show

Channel Four are resurrecting the hits of eighties pop band, Black Lace, famous for top pop classics such as Agadoo and Superman, on a new reality dance show, which is set to take on X-Factor and Strictly Come Dancing in the Autumn schedules.

Move Like Black Lace is the provisional name for the ten week show, in which couples will strut their stuff, hoping to please both judges and public, with their versions of the party dances that had all but been forgotten or blanked out on purpose by a discerning public.

"It's an exciting concept," stated a Channel Four insider. "The auditions kick off around the country this weekend, to find ten finalists who'll take part in the live show. We're thrilled to confirm that Paula Abdul is going to be Head Judge on the show, following her departure from American Idol and non-appearance in U.S. show Dancing With The Stars. She'll be backed up by Arlene Phillips, who was at a bit of a loose end and old enough to remember the original routines, and Harriet Harman, whose new-found love of dance gives her some welcome relief from having to run the country."

Proceeds from the telephone voting will be split between a variety of charity shops, who are providing the costumes.

Terror at World of Adventures!

There was pandemonium today at the Chessington World of Adventures, when park keepers thought it would be funny to cut the power to the aerial safari as it passed over the lions' enclosure and see how long it took for the visitors to panic.

However, they hadn't reckoned with the canny meerkats, who'd been waiting for an opportunity to escape their enclosure and did so as soon as the keepers attention was drawn to the lions. Scampering across the mud walls, they launched themselves en-masse at the stantions holding the cable cars and began to show off to the frightened passengers

A Mrs. Overstate from Kingston was visiting the park with her family, who were with her on the overhead Safari ride when the power cut out.

"We were terrified; we were suspended in mid air in the middle of the lions den in an open-sided cable car, swinging in the breeze with these cute little animals somersaulting across us; it's set me back hours in relation to my claustraphobia therapy. I shall be suing for post-traumatic stress."

A park-keeper pointed out that she probably meant vertigo and Mrs. Overstate said: "What? Oh, right, yes, it's vertigo I suffer from."

But when the park-keeper asked why then, had she gone on the aerial tour in the first place, she replied: "Oh, bog off, Mr.Know-it-all" and dragged her family off into the crowd.

An officer from the Health and Safety Executive was on the scene within minutes, demanding an explanation from the World of Adventures owners. A spokesman for Chessington stated: "We thought it'd given the lions a bit of excitement, you know - they don't get much, to be fair - but then the meerkats got in on the act. We didn't know they'd been practising acrobatics and tight rope walking, we're pretty impressed actually - might make it a whole new attraction."

Concerns raised over Longleat's new feeding regime

Sunday Supplement: Celebrity Wiff Waff - The Grand Final

This inaugural championship finished in style, with a three-way final contested between TV and radio presenter, Gethin Jones, pop superstar Madonna and pop princess Su-Elise Nash.

Jones came out fighting, following the controversial results in the semi-final, proving he was a deserving finalist. This time around, he resisted temptation from the fully laden playing table, by having a full English breakfast in the morning and controlling his appetite throughout the day with plenty of healthy but satisfying snacks.

With honours even during the round robin phase - Gethin beat Su-Elise who beat Madonna who beat Gethin - but no play-off, Su-Elise's spot in the competition came to an end, the first public vote placing her third. Judge Desmond was furious and had to be restrained, though he finally settled down to croon This Woman at Su-Elise from across the judges gallery.

The three final games saw Madonna inspired and storm into a 2-0 lead, only to be scuppered by her children, overwhelmed by the excitement surrounding them, invading the arena. The subsequent mop-up operation seemed to dent her concentration, even though all twenty-seven were rounded up and deposited back in their play pens safely, and Gethin won the final game easily, bringing himself back into contention.

The phone lines opened while all the points were added, subtracted and multiplied together and the assembled cast, crew and audience were treated to a phenomenal display of professional formation wiff-waff playing, the players finale bringing them abseiling from the judges gantry, accompanied by miniature Red Arrows.

Finally, the Moment of Truth: And with neither Gethin nor Madonna ever having appeared in the bottom two, the audience held its breath. Commentator Don Libra stepped forward.

"And the winner of Celebrity Wiff Waff 2009 is ... in the best tradition of reality shows, going to be announced after the customary thirty-seven second delay accompanied by a 'b-boom' type thudding ...

...

...

...

start tutting ...

...

...

...

talk amongst yourselves for a bit ...

...

...

...

have a good old moan about how long it's taking ...

...

...

...

3

2

1

GETHIN!!!!"

Saturday Film Review: The Crime Bookseller's Strife

This latest blockbuster, adapted from the huge bestseller of the same name, is smashing box office records around the world, as hapless delivery driver, Claire Absent - a mind-blowing turn by newcomer Racquel Tarmac - yearns to park her van in the booksellers space permanently.

It's Derek Banana, with an Oscar-nominated performance as Harry 'The Table' Topp, the bookseller in the title, who suffers the misfortune of supply problems, as his orders are held up or lost when the courier bringing them has one mishap after the other.

In one memorable set piece, the scatty driver is nearly there, when she realises she's left the latest reprints of Agatha Christie behind, and, being nearly Christmas, has no choice but to drive away from Derek, as he patiently waits to take delivery. Unloading the van at the depot to accomodate the Whodunnit Queen's hardbacks, she forgets to re-pack the Brother Cadfael series, leaving Derek once again having to pacify the clergy demanding their latest fix.

Delightfully ditzy Clare flits in and out of his life as she comes and goes, never once bringing the right order at the right time. Will Harry ever have the opportunity to sign a delivery note that hasn't been hastily amended? Will Clare remember that books left on the kerb outside the depot will always be nicked? It's a rewarding journey, the whole six and a half hours - we recommend taking sandwiches and a flask of something hot.

Williams' to appear on X-Factor

Contrary to news reports around the country, it is not Robbie Williams who has signed up to appear on the next series of X-Factor, but Wimbledon Champions Serena and Venus Williams. They will be competing in the bands section, under the guidance of Louis Walsh (if rumours are to be believed).

A source close to the family said: "The girls feel they've achieved everything they can in tennis and thought it would make a nice change to dominate the music industry in the same way - with the bonus that this is an achievement they can share in together" though the source went on to say that the girls' father, Richard, is furious and feels the girls can't afford time out from training to "play at being pop stars" without seriously impacting on their abilities to return to their winning ways in tennis.

The X-Factor producers are thrilled to have captured such high profile contestants from the world of sport, having already secured Britain's champion gymnast Louis Smith. However, whereas Louis is said to be influenced by Montel Jordan, the Williams sisters see themselves as the 21st century answer to the Nolans.

To ensure maximum (milo in the wetty grippers ... sorry, couldn't resist. Ed.) mileage publicity wise, Simon Cowell said the Williams sisters will automatically take a spot in the final twelve, because he understands how important it is to generate lots of gossip and scandal long before the show hits our screens - he's getting a little bit fed up that Strictly Come Dancing has had such a head start on them this year.

Soap Star Wins Cheese Crown

"Which is all very well," said delighted ex-Corrie star, Sean Wilson (alias Martin Platt) "but last year's champion rammed it so hard onto my head it now looks like I've got yellow dandruff.

The gongs were ok, although one of them looked like it had been nibbled at - whether by a mouse, or last year's champion I'm not so sure - she really didn't like having to relinquish her titles."

Last year's champion, Mrs Debra Muenster, who lost out to Wilson in the Best Single Crumbly and Best Farmhouse categories, denied that she was a bit put out, even though, having secured those titles three years running, she'd now been usurped by someone in his first month of production.

An insider on the Coronation Street set said he wasn't surprised at Sean's success, recalling fondly the wrap parties held at the end of filming: "He made some marvellous wraps - ham and cheese, chicken and cheese, pork and cheese, steak and cheese ... you could say he was a bit obsessive actually - held a torch for Miss Muffet, if truth be told. Dead jealous of Simple Simon, he was."

Official Man Utd Photographer Sacked for Gross Misconduct

Japan Rocked by Earthquake

An earthquake registering 6.6 on the Richter scale hit Tokyo early this morning - and the responsibility has been laid firmly at the door of pop star Beyonce, whose booty shaking sent tremors throughout her hotel and beyond.

Having already been requested by hotel staff to stop with the shimmying, Beyonce and sister Solange were immediately asked to vacate the premises, which brought about a tearful telephone to call to their mother, as the sisters frantically tried to find somewhere else to spend the remainder of the night.

With her reputation preceeding her, many establishments refused to open their doors and the superstar found herself seeing out the night in Uneo Park, sharing a bench with a runaway Geisha. However, according to her sister Solange's Twitter page, the episode wasn't a complete loss, posting: "OMG!OMG!OMG! She's only gonna redesign the new range we'd done for Samantha Thavasa as a Geisha range. I mean, wtf, wtf, wtf???"

Ross in Lost TV Remote Horror

Reports emerged last night that TV Presenter Jonathan Ross was involved in a nationwide search of his mansion, after the remote control to his home cinema screen went missing for close on thirty-five minutes, some time after tea.

The remote was eventually found safe and well down the side of the sofa and has now been given it's own little cubby hole in the TV unit, in the hope this will prevent the situation arising again.

A source close to the family thanked well-wishers, saying they'd been overwhelmed by the messages of support that had trickled in.

Following hot on the heels of the news that Top Gear's Richard Hammond was involved in a minor bump with three other cars at a roundabout, speculation is rife that a major pandemic involving celebrities in minor incidents is about to break out in Britain.

Amid fears that the incidents involving Jonathan and Richard's accidents were just the tip of the iceberg, frantic PR men and agents sought out their celebrity charges to check they were still all in one piece, in the process uncovering a huge number of slight irritations suffered by an array of famous names, all of which had gone unreported and fuelling speculation that some people may not actually care.

Noel Gallagher suffered a blister on his strumming thumb, after a mammoth recording session for his new album; supermodel Agyness Dein was said to have poked herself in the eye with her mascara brush and struggled with a watery eye for an eyelash shattering five minutes, whilst newsreader Mark Austin walked into a corner of his desk, leaving him with nasty bruise the size of a 50p peice. And X-Factor judge Louis Walsh revealed that a shelf he'd put up in his home office, fell down and knocked the head of a garden gnome he'd been repairing after that had been knocked over by the postman.

"It's a worrying time" stated a close friend of Jamie Theakston "even Jamie isn't immune and he's a pretty level headed guy, but he was totally spooked out by his wife dropping a packet of cereal all over the kitchen floor, saying it made him 'jump'."

Sunday Supplement: Isle of Wight to become Britain's Alcatraz

With Britain's prison population still rising steadily, it is clear radical action is needed and to that end the Government today announced plans to turn the Isle of Wight into a major new prison.

A Sunday at the height of the holiday season was the obvious choice to break the news, in the hope that most Isle of Wight residents would be out and about enjoying the leisure facilities on the 'Jewel of the Solent' and not indoors listening to the news, said a Government spokesman outside Number 10 earlier today. He went on:

"With the amount of holiday parks already there, no new building's are required, meaning the switch from jails in the mainland will be cheap, compared to building brand new containment facilities, even with the sweeteners given to the owners of the holiday parks. And with a hundred and thirty-three thousand visitors catered for peak season, overcrowding will not be an issue. The inmates transferred will be from low-risk categories, such as shoplifters, pickpockets and embezzlers, all of whom can serve the community - the plan is to eventually turn each separate unit back into a camp run by the inmates themselves, as a way of rehabilitating them back into communities before transfer back to the mainland."

Our reporter in Downing Street, Joe King, asked: "You are joking, right? Have them run a holiday camp where the staff have keys to all the chalets?"

The spokesman ignored Joe and resumed his pre-prepared statement: "We feel sure that the community spirit prevalent on the Isle of Wight will welcome the new neighbours and be glad to help them integrate back into a law-abiding society."

Saturday Review: The real reason behind Paula's Idol exit

An inside source divulged today that Paula Abdul's love for the man she dubbed "Svengali Simon" was the real reason she would no longer sit in judgment on the hit show American Idol.

Paula and Simon cuddle up at the height of the passions (left) and in happier times (right) Hugh Laurie looks on, presumaby still in character.

"As if seeing him cosying up to Cheryl Cole on X-Faxtor wasn't enough, he's now bringing in Victoria Beckham - that was the final straw for Paula, leading her to quit the show, rather than watch the man she loved romance other women in front of her."

Simon, as he's known to close friends and concubines, was desperate to keep Paula on board for a possible foursome with him, Posh and Cheryl but she apparently refused, saying it was all or nothing. Simon, also known as Simon Callous for his total disregard for the females around him, promptly said "nothing" and she was gone.

Paula was unable to compete with the onslaught of WAGs and sent a message of sympathy to Amanda Holden, who has also confessed her love for the man she calls "Simon", fearing she too will suffer the same ignominious fate while trying to keep him for herself.

The pop mogul's fascination with footballers' wives motors on unabated as rumours persist that he's lining up Alex Curran and Colleen Rooney for guest stints on Britain's Got Talent - the feeling from those in the know is that Amanda needs to hook up with an England footballer and quick. The insider was heard to comment: "Neither Paula nor Amanda are used to sharing their men, whereas for the WAGs of course, it's an occupational hazard."

Piers Morgan offered Paula the chance of an exclusive TV interview in which to tell the world her side of the story. However, Paula, being a classy, talented and successful achiever, declined.

Madonna cancels Slovenia gig

Superstar Madonna today cancelled her show in Ljubljana, not, as has been stated, because of poor ticket sales, but because of a "logistical nightmare" according to an insider.

"The reason for the cancellation is unforeseen logistical difficulties," said Laszlo Borsos, managing director of Live Nation in Budapest, overseeing Madonna's tour in eastern Europe.

Apparently, Madonna suddenly remembered she'd be taking part in the Celebrity Wiff Waff Final that weekend and also had an appointment with her hairdresser.

Horses Invade Motorway

Three horses from the Gaza Strip tried to invade Israel today, in broad day light in front of tourists, however, they were caught on camera and soon captured by authorites for deportation.

The horses subsequently claimed political asylum, but the serious lack of evidence of animal cruelty in Gaza put paid to their claim and they were sent back to the meat packing factory they'd escaped from.

No tourists were hurt in the filming of this incident.

Sharon Osbourne speaks out following lack of publicity

Sharon Osbourne today realised she hadn’t made the papers for at least a week and so spoke out about the trauma of having to get through life relying on her brain and common sense and not her looks, just like the rest of us.

As manager to rocker husband Ozzy Osbourne, Mrs O. was a complete unknown before allowing cameras into their family home and turning them into reality stars. In the shallow world of celebrity, this then earned her the right to appear on primetime television as an X-Factor judge and subsequently led to plastic surgery to make up for those plain early years.

It is believed that if Sharon has failed to announce any kind of gainful employment (to replace the stint on Strictly Come Dancing that she quit before signing for) within the next seven days, her agent will leak her school report.

L.A.P.D To Change Motto

Since its adoption in 1955, the Los Angeles Police Department has proudly sported the motto "To Protect and to Serve" upon its vehicles and official buildings. Coined by officer Joseph S. Dorobek, the motto was to encompass the ideals to which the L.A.P.D. is dedicated, however, half a century later it seems modern life has taken it's toll and the public perception has changed somewhat.

Chief William Bratton stated: "The time has come to put our foot down - "to protect" is fine, there's no problem with that at all. No, it's with the "serve" part there's an issue. Whenever there's a function requiring police attendance, the host keeps palming off trays of canapes onto my highly trained and skilled officers and asking them to wander round dishing out flutes of champagne. It's just not on, really."

Another contest to find a new motto, through the internal BEAT magazine, is under way, with the favourite so far being "To Protect and Fight Crime". There was much support for "To Swerve and Deflect" but unfortunately that's already been bagged by The Labour Party for the next general election.

Cadbury's do their bit for Swine Flu Awareness Day

Sunday Supplement: The Missing Link Discovered

Anthropologists searching for the so-called missing link between primates and humans have finally presented their findings, following the discovery two years ago, of a uniquely preserved fossil that they believe to be that link between our own evolutionary branch of life and the rest of the animal kingdom.

The 47 million-year-old primate – nicknamed Donna – is being seen as the fossil equivalent of a "Rosetta Stone" for understanding those critical, early stages of primate evolution. The skeleton is 95% complete and because of the location where she was found, individual hairs can be seen, along with the remains of her final meal and false eyelashes.

Sir David Attenborough, who is narrating a BBC documentary on the find, said: "This little creature is going to show us our connection with the rest of all the mammals; with cows and sheep, and elephants and anteaters. The more you look at Donna, the more you can see, as it were, the primate in embryo."

There is even talk of Donna being the first of her kind to feature on the front cover of Hello magazine. Lacking characteristics shared by lemurs, the researchers believe she comes from the time that primates diversified into monkeys, apes and ultimately humans, placing her at the top of our evolutionary line.

David Attenborough is 38.

Saturday Review: The Altitude Festival

From its early origins in France and brought to the England by the Normans in 1076, the Altitude Festival is the only one of its kind now running in Europe.

On the Sunrise Coast of Norfolk, Henham Park is home to four days filled with song & dance, music, poetry, comedy and painted sheep - all at a thousand feet above sea level, on specially constructed tree houses, where picnickers** wish a fond farewell to their cupcake, should they fumble removing the tin foil.

Originally, the gathering was a much less sedate affair and no-one is exactly sure when it changed from L'Attitude Festival, where the nobles of France came together to give it some verbal in a shoutier, more directly answered version of Question Time; no doubt the chic French were unwilling to dirty their tunics by physical duelling.

It may have been lost in translation but certainly, since the Festival came to England, the issues of the day have been discussed at great height as well as length (although the organisers of the Longitude Festival do get a tad miffed when Altitude transgress into their territory) and the addition of star turns means this previous bastion of middle class England is beginning to attract a much wider audience.

**Vertigo sufferers are advised to consult their GP before buying tickets.