Girl "Can't Sell Granny on Ebay"

A spokesman for the on-line auctioneering site, Ebay, today confirmed that the ten year old British girl who tried to sell her sixty-one year old Granny on Ebay, would be much better off taking her to a car boot sale.

"The commission alone will cost a bundle, not to mention postage and packing - really, she wouldn't have got any takers, we're quite sure of that. So in the spirit of goodwill, due to her age, we withdrew the offer and advised her to seek out the largest Sunday boot sale near her home."

High School Musical's Cordon Bleu to Star in Masterchef

"It was inevitable really," said Cordon's agent, "and Madison Pettis-Pois is going for it too."

The news broke during the after show party for the couple's latest film Freestyle, which is the uplifting story of a young man and his determination to win a coveted spot in Chef Michael Roux's kitchen.

"For it to happen in real life would be amazing," stated an overawed Cordon, after meeting his idol at the buffet table. "I asked him if he'd like to taste my Spotted Dick, but he didn't reply."

Hitler Really "Adolphia"

Evidence has been uncovered proving that feared evil dictator and murderer (allegedly) Adolf Hitler, was really female.

The skull recovered from the Berlin bunker where Hitler was said to have taken his own life, turns out to be that of a 40 year old woman. Stunned historians began feverishly researching who she could have been but the burning question on most peoples lips was: How did she manage to keep that moustache on all those years?

Descendants of the neighbours of the Hitler family immediately came forward to shed light on the strange goings on in their quiet cul-de-sac some ninety years ago, when stories abounded of a changeling in their midst.

"Of course, it was all hushed up at the time and the family moved away - all I know is that at some point during the twenties, their pretty little daughter Adolphia disappeared - they said she'd been suffering some kind of mental illness." said Herr von Hertzburger, from number 24. "Well, it all makes sense now of course."

Other witnesses from the town the Hitlers moved to, report only of meeting little Adolf but rumours persisted that 'he' may have really been a 'she' owing to the terrible temper tantrums on a monthly basis, where 'he' would "stamp and scream and throw things like a girl". It seemed the only calming measure was a huge chunk of chocolate, and of course, with chocolate being a scarce commodity, the rages took hold.

It goes without saying of course, that what followed was, without doubt, the worst period in world history.

Sunday Supplement: Where Are They Now - Barbie and Ken

It was a match made in heaven: The former glamour model turned TV star turned author and the handsome opera star, the doyen of the modern classical superstars. Darlings of the popular press, Barbie and Ken allowed the cameras into their homes and the paparazzi on their holidays. "Well," Ken reflected later, "it seemed daft to cary our own cameras, when we could get a load done for free."

When they announced their betrothal, the celebrity watchers went into overdrive; ex-lovers streamed forward to dish the dirt on the happy couple. Brighteyes08, a girlfriend of Ken's from R.A.D.A, simply called Barbie a 'slut' - not without reason, since Irish film producer, PotatoFilm, confirmed that not only was she a slut, she was a bow legged slut at that and her legs only became poseable when she'd finished working her way though the Preston North End football team. Porridgebrain, Ken's long term breakfast sponsor, confirmed what many people had also thought for years - her boobs were totally, totally fake!

Close friends of the couple said they were devastated at the rumours surrounding the engagament and it was a wonder they were able to shrug off all the criticism and make it to the alter. They did - but only after the Bath rugby squad confirmed three tries and a conversion with the busty beauty and chiselled hunk.

With irrefutable evidence of this against them, the couple fled into hiding, happy to let Sindy and Paul once more hog the limelight, although Barbie was reported as saying she wouldn't want to be a flat chested little goody two shoes with a bob anyway. She was most put out when Sindy's stylists repackaged her to look very much like Barbie herself. Tressy, who'd always been the poor relation to the two glamour girls, quietly and studiously devoted herself to building her Tresemme hair and beauty empire and is relieved and happy to be out of the gossip rags.

"I could never see the allure of hanging it all out there," said Tressy, when we finally caught up with the elusive super-business woman. "I'm just glad my fans were more concerned in creating their own style with me as their mentor."

In their twilight years now, Barbie and Ken may not command the front pages of the national press any more, but their double act still goes down a storm at the local working mens' club.

"I made millions you, know," confides Ken "so we've been able to keep topping up Barbie's silicone and botox - she strips, I sing - goes down a storm. Back on the front pages again."

We didn't have the heart to tell him it was the front page of Darby and Joan Monthly.

Saturday Review: Sienna Miller Makes Broadway Debut

A brand new play premieres at The Two Puddings on Stratford Broadway this weekend, as Sienna Miller makes a critically acclaimed return to the stage as the eponymous heroine, Diane Parker, sexy waitress of The Crossroads Motel, cruelly dumped long before the show had run its course.

After Miss Diane also features the incomparable Michael Sheen, as Benny Hawkins, Miss Diane's secret long term love interest, and follows their adventures after the very first reality show, Life at the Crossroads Motel, was harshly axed by Channel Four due to complaints from viewers over the sex and violence; there wasn't nearly enough.

The stage show pushes the boundaries and Miss Miller's performance, seen though the eyes of a long since rejected Bennie, portrays just the right amount of vulnerability and sassyness to avoid cliche. Sheen, for his part, concedes it to be his most difficult role yet, not least because the woolly hat given to him is far too big and keeps slipping down over his eyes. "They said I'll grow into it," he says, with a twinkle in said eyes - and who are we to argue?

Strictly Contestant's Secret Job Revealed!

Ricky Groves, one of televsion's best known stars and a contestant on the latest series of Strictly Come Dancing, has been discovered moonlighting as a lap dancer in Soho's Peppermint Hamster Private Members Club.

"He's been telling everyone he's got no dance experience and really hammed it up last Friday, pretending to be terrified!" said a shocked extra on the set of Eastenders "now we find out this - no wonder he was able to let himself go on Saturday."

Dance partner Erin Boag was said to be unconcerned by the revelation and was even considering joining him at work this weekend, with a view to using his experience to choreograph a show dance, just in case.

Ricky, a sprightly 62, took secret pole dancing lessons when the economic downtown threatened to impact on television last year, to ensure he could still provide for his family in the event that Eastenders was axed. A source close to his parents said they were fully supportive of his decision to his face, but behind his back were dissing him big time for bringing shame on them. "What could they do though - if he had lost the Eastenders gig back then with nothing to fall back on, they'd have ended up financially supporting him - on their pensions!"

The manager of the Peppermint Hamster declined to comment, but the receptionist, Arlene, said: "He's certainly not keeping his member private!"

UK Gold Reserves Found in Field!

Treasury officials were left red-faced today, when a local Staffordshire man, Andrew Haigh, discovered the entire stock of their Gold reserves with his fifteen year old metal detector.

"Well, we were hardly going to leave it lodged in a Bank, were we," said a Treasury minister defensively, from under a blanket so as to avoid identification. "Although, I did say at the time I didn't think we'd dug down far enough. In fact, actually - I wasn't there. Thinking about it, I don't even work for the Treasury. Oh, is that the time ..."

Mr. Haigh said he was first gobsmacked, then a bit peeved, when it became apparent that the Finders Keepers law had been repealed some time ago. "Still, I've saved them the trouble of digging it up - now's the time to sell, you see. Gold prices are rocketing. That find will probably cover about 3% of the National Debt!"

Broadcaster's New Chief Exec Assistant "wants £30M"

ITV's controversial new cost-cutting moves continue unabated, as their newly appointed adviser to the Chief Executive, Simon Cowell, said today he would be happy to accept just a paltry £30million to carry out the part-time role in which he would financially streamline the ailing broadcaster.

Dispensing with all presenters except Philip Schofield, Holly Willoughby, Cheryl Cole and Ant&Dec, Cowell anticipates savings of around ooh, at least £30million. But he insisted it would not affect the quality of entertainment programmes and confirmed that his first move was to sign up the reality show Last Celebrity Toilet Cleaner Who Dares To Wipe Standing from the makers, beating Channel Four to the dotted line, who'd been seriously dithering following this season's unsuccessful Big Brother.

But an insider in the accounts office was overheard to comment that the acountants weren't happy and that the feverish knocking together of abacus beads could be heard all the way from the canteen to the M4. "They just can't seem to work it out - they've saved £30million by sacking most of the presenters and yet the wage bill doesn't seem to have gotten any cheaper. There's a lot of head scratching going on."

Bengal Tiger in Children 4 Justice Protest

Two year old tiger Janvir, is staging a sit-in at the top of his enclosure's tower at the Noah's Ark Zoo Farm in Bristol.

Janvir, who has to share his home with six year old Kushkja and eight year old Khan, is demanding visiting rights to his mother in Bengal, from whom he says he was separated when just a cub.

Janvir shares a high five with a fellow campaigner

Campaigners have blasted keepers at the zoo, who've started a smear campaign against Janvir, calling him a scaredy cat and insisting he is just too timid to climb back down on his own. However, Janvir refuted these allegations and said he'd "show them just how scared he is" and pointed at the large, red "S" emblazoned across his chest "I took this off the back of the man himself, I'll have you know."

Cross Nurse Faces NHS Disciplinary

Experienced nurse Shirley Chaplain is contesting a decision by Exter and Devon NHS Trust to bring disciplinary proceedings against her, saying it's political corectness gone mad and that no-one has ever complained about her before to her knowledge.

"Well, of course they haven't" commented a colleague, who refused to be identified. "She'd just get all cross with them, wouldn't she?"

Ms Chaplain, due to retire in eight months, has struck fear into the hearts of patients for years, said a spokesman for the Trust, but such is her reputation that no-one has dared stand up to her before now. "You want to be on the end of her bedside manner," he said "cross is an undertstatement, really. I've seen her so riled up she cored a nectarine with one slice of her fingernail."

Sunday Supplement: Health Officials In Warning to Men

At the AGM of the World Health Organisation, members finally consented to discuss the concerns raised by the Chinese delegate, Wee Ar Phukt, who had tabled a motion regarding the source of the outbreaks of various pandemics the world has seen over the past two or three years.

"Is this just a coincidence" he demanded of the delegates, "that in 2007 - the Chinese Year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastated parts of Asia?" There were shouts of "Yes, of course it was a coincidence" and murmurs of "Trying to make a name for yourself again" until he continued "and it is just a coincidence that, in 2008 - the Chinese Year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimated Australian racing?" There were a few unsettled murmurs at this juncture, with some delegates sitting up in their chairs.

Nodding solemly at his peers as he gazed around their expectant faces, Wee continued. "You know, of course, that 2009 was Year of the Pig? And we're in the grip of ...."

"Swine Flu!" chorused the delegates, amid a major muttering and head nodding.

"I don't need to tell you, I'm sure, that I'm a worried man and that we must research all possible options to cope with what may descend upon the human race next year - The Year of the Cock."

At which point, all the men in the conference room completely lost their heads; let's hope this is not a sign of things to come, as it were.

Saturday Review: Star Pranks Cause Ructions

Jennifer Garner thought it was just a harmless joke, a gentle winding-up of Ricky Gervais on the set of The Invention of Lying. Would she have been quite so courageous had she known she would become the catalyst for the Hollywood elite's new favourite pastime of Garnerisms?

"I had no idea," admitted the actress, who has appeared in other films. "Cameron called me in fits of giggles, telling me how she'd 'Garnered' Richard Kelly by sneaking up on him and letting off her mobile phone alarm in his ear. She said she'd been inspired by me and tried chewing gum but Richard thumped her on the back and she swallowed it."

However, it appears the fad has backfired on Megan Fox, whose antics on the set of Transformers served purely to antagonise the crew of the adventure thriller. Close friends of Fox say the crew just didn't understand her crazy sense of humour, which they could possibly be forgiven for, since she turned up in a sexy Nazi uniform and insisted on calling director Michael Bay "Adolf, dahling" before quick changing into Josephine Bonaparte and finishing every line with "Not tonight, Boney." Which does seem rather ironic.

Meanwhile, ABC are believed to be considering a new show You've Been Garnered and are keen to sign up veteran actor James Garner to present, with Jennifer in a roving role, setting up the Hollywood darlings, because, let's face it - it's much funnier seeing celebrities and famous people made to look stupid, rather than just random members of the public. Unless they're really weird, of course, then it's hysterical.

Corrie viewers 'are dying'

In a storyline worthy of the longest running soap in British history, ITV flagship soap opera Coronation Street has been struck by the curse of Japanese film 'The Ring', in that anyone watching the show has begun to irrationally dye their hair bright orange.

Approx 250,000 fans are said to have trooped along to hair dressing salons up and down the country over the past year, many dying in grisly circumstances as the curse weaves its nastiness into highlights, lowlights, foils, and, in some cases, infiltrating extensions, as even the least inexperienced stylists are press-ganged into sculpting with VO5 Extreme Style Fibre Putty.

Hairdresser to the stars, John Frieda, is feeling the pressure. "I've never known such a demand for colouring, especially grey hair; we're booked solid for the next seven years - although I'm expecting a fair few of the later ones to cancel."

Woman Kills Sole Survivor of Species. Or not.

An American woman called authorities to advise she'd discovered a new species of snake, which had one leg. Initially met with a "Doesn't that make it a lizard, who's probably lost the other three?" wildlife officials then converged on her property.

David Attenborough caught the first flight to California but was too late to save the animal, as the woman had taken her stillettos to it and flattened it, then distilled it in the handy bottle of vodka she just happened to have stashed in her bedroom.

After serious consideration, Sir David pronounced himself satisfield that the creature was actually a newt with all but one leg pulled off and gave the woman a good slapping for wasting his time and getting him all excited at the prospect of a new species.

TV and radio news reporters trooped away unhappily, also bitch slapping the woman as they went, since she'd probably cost them the chance of covering a genuine story, whilst police then arrested her for time wasting, confiscating numerous illegal substances at the same time. She had nothing at all to say for herself; she was incapable.

Police Investigate Zoo Assault

Police were called to Jersey Zoo today, when a woman claimed that an elephant had assaulted her.

Mrs Ena Crabtree said she was shocked and hurt by the unprovoked attack, accusing the eight year old male, Darth, of throwing a stone at her and swearing he took aim at her ice cream cornet.

Darth denied he'd thrown the stone on purpose but under further questioning admitted he'd been aiming at the lemurs across the path and pleaded temporary insanity, due to prolonged winding up by the lemurs, who keep calling him Dumbo.

The CPP said the case was unlikely to go further since there was no CCTV footage or witnesses to back up Mrs Crabtree's claim. They would be advising her against a civil law suit, fairly sure that no court in its right mind would lend credence to the notion of an elephant pleading. "Then again, her money's as good as anyone's, so let's go for it," stated an ambitious junior lawyer.

The lemurs refused to comment.

U.E.F.A Overturn Eduardo Diving Ban

Arsenal's Brazilian Croatian soccer star Eduardo has been handed a lifeline by U.E.F.A officials, who have overturned a proposed ban that would have seen the forward having to miss the London Olympics.

The dual nationality player is also a dual international sports star in his home country and Croatian Olympic officials were said to be devastated when U.E.F.A refused to sanction his release from football, to take part in the Springboard and 10M Board competitions.

Britain's Tom Daley is now said to be appealing against the decision to allow Eduardo back into the international diving arena, fearing that the skills of the Croatian, who is the only man in the world able to fit four back somersaults and three twists into one dive - from a height of just five foot - will be his toughest opponent in 2012.

107 Year Old Woman Wants 23rd Husband

Putney pensioner, Gracie Courtney, (left, clinging on for dear life following another mammoth session) has worn out her 22nd husband and is now on the lookout for Mr. Courtney number 23.

37 year old Kenny Moosey is now recovering in a drug rehabilitation centre, after he turned to substance abuse in a vain attempt to keep up with his wife's sexual demands. Joe King went along to meet the randy old devil.

"No stamina, these youngsters these days," said Gracie, eyeing up my cameraman. "I need someone with a bit of get-up-and-go, know what I mean, sonny? Actually, I mean get-up-and-stay-up-and-give-me-a-good-time. You got any mates?"

I ventured, not to be disrespectful just because of her age, but wouldn't she prefer a relationship based on companionship and mutual affection?

"Pffft, no, I want a damn good shag three times a day - that, and keeping regular with a dozen satsumas is the key to my long life. You two look pretty fit - fancy a threesome?"

Sunday Art Supplement: Tadpole Conversation by Damien Hirst

by Briony Suwett

The latest piece of Hirst artwork to go under the hammer at Sothebys has fetched a record £52 million for the controversial star of the YBA's (Young British Artists).

Combining both his flair for the visual and his writing skills, Tadpole Conversation (In Water, for a Change) has been in production for the last two years, as Hirst debated with his contemporaries the merits of this project. Having previously experienced a Number Two in the charts with Vindaloo, as part of the trio Fat Les, the artist was determined to visit another genre of the creative writing spectrum.

Criticism and kudos in equal measure as usual surrounds Hirst's work, with pointed accusations of him "not being arsed" to devote his time to creating something no-one else can, although admirers of course, dismiss the detractors, with the conviction that Hirst has been there, seen it, done it and that this in fact is a departure from his comfort zone.

It's well known that Damien is a huge fan of JK Rowling's Harry Potter series, so when it came to naming the tadpoles, the answer was immediate and obvious: George and Fred.

Judge for yourselves - masterpiece or laziness?

Tadpole Conversation (In Water, for a Change)











Fred: When I grow up, I'm going to be snogged by a gorgeous princess.
George: No, you're not.
Fred: Oh, yes I am!
George: No, you're not.
Fred: But mum said ...
George: She lied.

Saturday Review: Strictly Come Dancing v X-Factor in Celebrity Mud Wrestling Tournament

Report by Angela Rippemoff.

With the earth - shattering news that the BBC have aggresively scheduled their flagship Strictly Come Dancing show against ITV's flagship show, X-Factor, in a move comparable with the same move some channel or other has made every year since television was invented, ITV has banned showbiz icons, Ant and Dec, from publicising their upcoming biography on the BBC's Tonight with Jonathan Ross.

ITV insiders say it was retaliation for the Beeb refusing to let Barbara Windsor appear on Piers Morgan’s Life Stories but a BBC insider says that was retaliation for ITV's Alan Titchmarsh ignoring BBC Gardener's World's Pippa Greenwood at the Chelsea Flower Show.

In an all out attack on the BBC, Channel Five then requested a restraining order be placed against the BBC's Top Gear’s The Stig, who was rumoured to be romancing 5th Gear's Vicky Butler Henderson.

The rift this time round can be traced back to the decision by ITV to broadcast a Sunday results show for X-Factor, thereby causing Strictly producers to put their results show back to the Saturday night and give up trying to avoid the main shows clashing on the Saturday, which they successfully managed all last year. Relations were not helped when Robbie Williams said that if his life falls apart, he'd do Strictly before going into Panto, which had X-Factor bosses steaming, seeing as Robbie is supposed to be mentoring the X-Factor finalists this year.

Fed up with the bickering between rival broadcasters, Sky have stepped in with a proposal to referee an all-out tag mud wrestling match between the BBC's Strictly Come Dancing and ITV's X-Factor stars, promising both corporations huge amounts of money and world-wide coverage at peak time, which, naturally, they both jumped at.

Head to head, toe to toe - imagine, if you will: Cowell and Forsyth - high waisted trousers versus dinner suit and tap shoes; my money's on Bruce, but then I'm a teensy bit biased. By popular demand, Ola Jordan and Cheryl Cole will also fight it out wearing skimpy costumes leaving little to the imagination. So no change there then.

With the eyes of the world on Britain's Saturday night tea-time television schedule once again, questions are being asked in the House, such as: "Have they not heard of Sky Plus/DVD recorders/I-player and/or ITV player? (which, to be fair, is really crap and so should be discounted)" and "Who gives a flying slang word for sex; get a life, people." They're the kind of questions I'm hearing in my house, anyway.

In a really pathetic attempt to curry some sympathy, an ITV insider said, tremulously, his bottom lip in danger of being trodden on. "It's really unfair; everyone will resort to taping us because of the adverts - I think the BBC are being very mean actually - they're not supposed to try and compete with us."

Sky's Wrestling with the Stars will be broadcast on Sky One, at 7.30pm on Saturdays up till Christmas.

The Stig was unavailable for comment but Vicky said she was actually quite relieved because his helmet was filthy.

Madonna to Blame for Boating Accident

Pop star Madonna was today blamed for a pile up of pedaloes in Regents Park, as the singer distracted both hardenened pedaloists, as well as tourists happily paddling around the Serpentine.

Madonna decided to liven up her customary Wednesday run - in the company of various minders and the rest of the Serepentine Running Club - by rehearsing her latest song and making the athletes join in a rousing chorus, which included her minders acting as human beat boxes.

Coaches for the Serpentine Pedalo Club were infuriated by the lack of consideration shown by the star and her entourage, as they watched their charges lose concentration and begin to paddle around in circles, before coming together gently like "bumpers cars on water" as one furious coach put it.

"She didn't even stop!" spat the coach, wringing out his socks, "Just carried on running, like it was nothing to do with her at all. These celebrities, I tell you - no awareness of the chaos they unleash."

'Lying Down Game' Prompts NHS Probes Abuse

NHS Staff are under suspension, following the misuse of various pieces of equipment, including thermometers and endoscopes.

It seems that going "one step too far" as an administrator put it, was too much of a temptation for some hospital staff, as they took advantage of their colleagues willingness to play the latest viral game to sweep through social networking sites.

Players lay flat down on their face with their toes downwards and their arms by their sides, palms towards their legs, and see how long they could handle being prodded and poked with various examination tools.

Patients' groups were also outraged at the news, since hospitals were insistent there were no more beds available and the patients had to sit up, whilst these staff enjoyed the luxury of lying down.

"I wouldn't mind," said an intern, limping slightly, "but one of the junior doctors is a bit too enthusiastic; I've no choice but to lie down now, sitting's too painful!"

Council Bans Spotted Dick

School dinner ladies in Worthing were in uproar today, when Sussex Borough Council announced it would no longer let schools serve up the traditional spotted dick pudding and custard.

Prudish council leader, Hetty Bogbottom, has declared that it is not in the childrens best interest to be faced with such wording on their dinner menu and is insisting the schools rename the suet and raisin speciality Spotted Richard.

A disgruntled councillor, who did not wish to be named, said it wasn't the only traditional food under threat from the priggishly PC Councillor Bogbottom: "She won't let the canteen serve up fairy cakes either, or knickerbocker glory, or toad in the hole, or faggots - frankly I'm wondering where someone's mind is at when they ban Cherry Bakewells - I mean, it's not like anyone actually calls them tit cakes for real, is it?"

Evans: I Can't Fill Wogan's Shoes

And the BBC radio wardrobe department confirmed Chris Evans claims, when it revealed that Chris is indeed a size five and a half to Sir Terry's size 15 and the gap at the heels was big enough for a whole hand, whilst the overall fit made him look like Krusty the clown.

A source close to Evans confirmed he tried everything - custard, kitchen towel, blu-tac, rolled up newspaper, mozzarella, play-doh, cotton wool, toilet paper, jelly, tissues, plasticine, collagen inserts, toothpaste, eggs and flour, bread, and even resorted to wearing twelve pairs of socks, which not only didn't work but also made his trousers so tight fitting around his ankles it looked like they hadn't deflated following his Bronze survival test.

Finally, Evans admitted defeat and said: "I can't fill Terry's shoes, it is impossible." And he confirmed he would be sticking with his own.

X-Factor Auditonee Threatens To "Get Really Cross" If told 'NO'

Pyshologists are set to be on hand at future X-Factor auditions, after the final weekend's filming was marred by an untalented wannabe Whitney singer threatening to "stamp her feet" and throw a "huge hissy fit" if Simon and his fellow judges refused to put her through to the next round.

21 year old Miriam Maplin told a stunned audience that she was the next Leona Lewis, Alexandra Burke and Cheryl Cole all wrapped into one, before proceeding to send them diving for ear muffs as she launched into I Wanna Dance With Somebody.

The judges sat in shocked silence, which Miriam took to be a good sign, and all seemed to be about to say 'NO' when she launched her threat, with a wild-eyed look that dared Louis to vote against her. Not wishing to be on the end of another water-attack of the like he's suffered before, Louis muttered 'Yes'; Cheryl, being extremely flattered by the comparison, also voted 'Yes', whilst Dannii, under extreme nudging and pinching from Louis, also said 'Yes', thus sending Miriam through, much to Simon's annoyance.

Thus it became Simon's turn to storm out and he did so with customary verve, only stopping to shake his head in disbelief, when he realised this story was only worth page seven in the nationals.

Sunday Supplement: The Herring Queen

Off the Dunbar coast, behind the fixed smiles, pretty dresses and petty jealousies befitting any Miss America Pageant, local lasses from Eyemouth in the Scottish Borders compete for the coveted title of The Herring Queen.

For one week in July, the town is dedicated to the Festival, where, in a throwback to the ancient times, a virgin is sacrificed to the local herring population. Health and Safety being what it is though, they no longer slit her throat before throwing her overboard into the freezing waters.

These days, the Festival is an altogether more friendly affair, hence the fighting between the town's maidens to win the title. The Queen is given the freedom of Upper Houndlow, a hand made gown sewn from fishing nets, decorated with sea shells and pebbles, together with a year's supply of herring and the pick of any young, single fisherman for her de-flowering ceremony.

Following a three day cruise - where the Queen is cast adrift on a raft overnight, to test her worthiness - a huge flotilla of local fishing boats escort her to the Braehead, where she is ceremoniously covered in fish food flakes and pitched headlong into the middle of the herring shoal for its annual feast.

Once the Queen is rescued, she and her beau hold office in the Festival Museum for the next two days, where locals may seek an audience regarding local issues.

Nose pegs are available on the door.

Saturday Review: The Chelsea Transfer Ban

Chelsea supporters are said to be in uproar, after it was reported that their beloved club would not be able to buy or sell or display any more of those little washable, make-believe tattoos until 2011.

F.I.F.A., football's governing body, have decided that this would be the most suitable punishment for the club, after they induced an 18 year old French boy to cover himself head to foot in tiny pictures of Didier Drogba and streak the length of Stamford Bridge.

The whole Chelsea squad were made to present themselves to a F.I.F.A. official for examination, to ensure they were free of any traces of the transfers, with Ashley Cole and John Terry both having to undergo major scrubbing.

Frank Lampard, pictured left, is said to be devastated at the news, although when asked to comment, merely said: "Eh? What, sorry, miles away - I just remembered I left the oven on."

Roman Polanski is 93.

Dizzee Rascal Slams London Olympics

Dizzee Rascal - so-called because of his habit of tormenting funfair customers on the Teacups - has criticised the 2012 commitee for ostracising ex-pat locals and turning the Stratford and Bow area into a building site.

He says that those, like him, who left the miserable dumping ground that was the East End before developers moved in, are being treated as second class citizens by the organisers, who refuse to give them blanket parking permits for them to use on their occasional returns to their roots.

"I'm famous," he was reported as saying "and even I can't get a parking space, not even outside my old house. It's a joke."

The ageing rocker, 48, said he would be boycotting the Olympics - unless the committee asked him to perform at the opening ceremony and paid him lots of money.

Lord Coe was asked to comment on this ultimatum and said: "Who is he? Oh, riiiiiiight - pop star with a new single out, uh-huh. Building site? Oh, yes -because it was such a paradise before, wasn't it ..."

Human Loofah Loses Case

Lee Redmond, the 68 year old American woman forced to retire from the job she saw as more of a vocation, has lost her battle against her former employers for unfair dismissal.

Ms Redmond, from Utah, suffered the loss of the fingernails that had once been her livelihood, in a car crash in February this year, and was subsequently told by her employers that her services were no longer required.

The Sunny Day Salon in Salt Lake City was a haven for people who struggled to scrub their own backs during their daily shower and converged gratefully into the cosy little bathroom where Ms Redmond plied her trade.

However, a spokesman for the salon said that since the accident, Ms Redmond, still in possession of five inch nails, had become somewhat eccentric and they had no choice, following complaints from customers that she had starting offering nose-picking services too.

Ms Redmond refused to believe that Sunny Day would not have her back. "I do not know what their problem is," she stated, "there was a whole new set of customers clamouring for me - constipated customers, particularly, were finding my new skills very helpful."

Daily Scatter Anniversary Celebrations Marred by Shocking and Devastating Worst News of the Year So Far

We had hoped, on the first anniversary of publication of The Daily Scatter, to bring you a story of outstanding hope and generosity, of uplifting and spiritual contentment, of ... well, you know, something really, really good.

Instead, however, it is our duty to report the most catastrophic, heinous and diabolical news we have ever come across in our short life:

Cadbury's may be going on strike!

We're sorry - maybe we should have prepared you for such a monumental and devastating revelation - but the reality of the situation will surely be much, much worse and steps to safeguard you and your family need to be taken NOW!

Whilst MPs sit, secure in the knowledge that in the bowels of Parliament there's a huge stockpile of Wispas, Curly Wurlys and Creme Eggs, we, the public, have to make do with raiding the local garage to ensure our continued existence in the manner to which we've become accustomed.

The Archbishop of Canterbury, an authority on Double Deckers, issued a plea to the workers at Cadbury to consider their responsibilities to the nation, begging them to weigh up their options very carefully and remember that the decisions they make in life could well have a bearing in death.

With unimaginable horror, we face the prospect of no Dairy Milk or Freddo for an indefinite period. Pressure groups representing all colours, creeds, races and sexes are united, bringing the country together like never before - except, ironically enough, on this day in 1939, the last time our way of life was seriously threatened!

Crowds are pouring into the town of Bourneville in the Midlands, desperately appealing to the workers at the chocolate factory. Joe King joined them there.

"Have you no shame" shouted one woman, as staff left for the day "that you would deprive me of my weekly finger of Fudge?"

Small children clutching mugs of drinking chocolate were pushed towards the gates by concerned parents: "Look at their litttle faces" they cry "how could you do this to them?"

Adults too, leaving the factory after the fabled tour, clung to their mixed bags of broken remnants like a baby monkey to its mother, silent tears tracing a slimy line through their mucky, cocoa stained faces.

A Cadbury spokesman appeared to address the gathering crowd. He seemed at a loss momentarily, overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of the situation, before finally admitting that "Talks were being held. Please place your empty wrappers in the bins provided. Thank you. Keep Britain tidy."

But you could tell his heart wasn't really in it.

Ex-Mayor Denies Claims; Unveils New Council Directive

Ian Stafford, the previous mayor of Preesall in Lancashire, recently arrested on burglary charges, has denied he was stealing women's underwear from their homes.

In a statement released by his solicitor, Mr Preesall says he was merely using his position as handy man/gardener to pilot a new scheme he was going to put forward to the next Town Hall meeting.

Ian Stafford, pictured upon his arrest (left) You wouldn't think it to look at him, would you?

Sceptical councillors jostled with reporters to ask exactly what this new scheme could possibly be, only to be advised that the solicitor was not prepared to release full details, as Mr Preesall was convinced some other councillor would try to pinch the idea while he was behind bars.

However, the solicitor did say it involved the recycling and handwashing of delicates to the benefit of all the community and that the community was doing itself a dis-service by failing to listen to Mr Preesall's pleas of innocence.