Saturday Formula One Review

News from Abu Dhabi:

Tanya from Sky sports has taken out an injunction against the BBC's Martin Brundle and he is now banned from coming within one hundred metres of her brandising a microphone or camera crew.

Finnish superstars Raikkonen and Kovalainen had a massive falling out during a scalextrix race, when the McLaren driver accused the Ferrari driver of cheating by sticking blu-tac on his trigger, whereupon the Ferrari driver accused the McLaren driver of eating all the cola bottles out of the Haribo Star Mix and he would be suing to recover the losses.

Jean Todt has begun to throw his weight around and in doing so sent Bernie flying into a cluster of pit girls; his subsequent grappling with the scantily clad models was seen by his wife and his denials of any wrong doing fell on deaf but perfectly formed, diamond clad ears. It is understood that he spent that night in the Ferrari garage but that Jean has now managed to convince the missus of the misunderstanding. Reports that it took Jean all night long to do this are unconfirmed.

Lewis Hamilton is on pole, followed closely by the Red Bulls and the Brawns.

Fearless RAF officer wins game of chicken

Albanian Sets National Sailing Record

A twenty year old Albanian set sail from Lyon in France on Sunday, embarking on a bid to sail his boat down the Rhone, through the Mediterranean and across the Atlantic to England, in order to set the world record for a twenty year old solo Albanian in a boat.

Regrettably, the attempt faltered heartbreakingly short of the world record, when he was forced to moor just fifty metres along the Rhone, missing his target by some 3300 kilometres.

However, on a positive note, he did beat the existing Albanian national record by twenty metres, which was set during a channel crossing from Calais to Dover, and he will be applying for an international speedboat licence in order to facilitate another attempt in approximately four months time, possibly two if the licence comes through sooner.

Uniformed prank patrols criticised

Reports that uniformed organisations in Britain are using their position to have a laugh at the British public's expense are being investigated by their respective representative bodies.

The Police Federation has admitted that it is embarrassed by the fare dodging antics of some officers and that it would be polling it's members to find out how widespread the problem actually is.

Unison was also set to be investigating reports that some traffic wardens were deliberately letting down the tyres of vehicles and hanging around to ticket the offending motorist, when they over-ran their allocated time whilst blowing them back up again.

And the Fire Brigades Union denied that a spate of knock-down ginger attacks correllated directly to a number of hoax callouts in the same area and that their officers would never ever be idiot enough to play such tricks. They were adamant that lowering the age limit for serving fire fighters was in any way a contributing factor.

Bank of England chief says recession "playing havoc with darts arm"

Bank of England Governor Mervyn King says his pub games have completely gone to pot since the start of the recession.

With the current financial climate proving to be both tiresome and time consuming, Mr.King's darts have been suffering, whilst his bowls, even though out of season, has been neglected even more than usual.

The Professional Darts Corporation says he is being too hard on himself, since he was runner up in this year's Premier League and made the semi finals in both the World Matchplay and World Championship.

As an Aston Villa fan no stranger to controversy, the Governor came in for criticism for staging a Bank employees versus ex-Aston Villa players darts matchplay tournament, at a time when millions were being asked to cut their spending. King himself complained about bankers bonuses - mainly, it has come out, because he didn't get one - and he was slammed for claiming the buffet on his expenses.

As for his bowls, the All England Lawn Bowls Association said he was always complaining: the grass is too green, it's too shiny, it's too short, too long - though he did, in fact, win the Lawn Bowls World Matchplay this year and really should learn to not be so greedy.

Mr King was available for comment but we got fed up listening to his moaning and left.

Eye Witness Reports Seeing Boy Abducted by Aliens

Sunday Supplement: Hobbies of the Rich and Famous

This Week: Gregory Peck's Toad Breeding, with grateful thanks to Priya Bhakta of the UK Society for Famous Peoples Toads.

It caused a furore at the time, but now nobody blinks an eyelid, as the trendy of Beverley Hills carry the latest accessory balanced precariously on their arms - the American Toad, or, Bufo Americanus, as they prefer to call them.

Back in Gregory Peck's heyday though, he became President Nixon's enemy Number One for refusing to stop breeding the critters and bringing his favourite along to any shindig he was invited to, including of coure, the infamous Old American Barn Dance at the Kling Studios in Chicago.

With the cotillions in full swing, Maceo, Gregory's pet toad, broke free from the actor and leapt into the fray, scattering the dancers into the path of the quadrilles, who, in their haste to escape the slimy creature, crashed into the buffet cart.

Little wonder that the series finished after just eleven episodes, with the shattered cast far too traumatised to consider reforming their Buck and Wing troupe. As for Gregory, he continued to enjoy his toads in private, whilst maintaining his credentials in Hollywood as one of their finest actors.

Saturday Review: Hollywood Coup for Dancing on Ice

Brendan Fraser, who has shown off his dancing skills in the Broadway hits Monkeybone and Encino Man, will be joining the cast of the next Dancing On Ice series, due to screen in January.

Presenter Philip Schofield promised a fantastic line up and the Hollywood A-Lister is seen as a major signing for the ice based reality dance show.

Viewed by critics as an additional marketing tool for Extraordinary Measures, the star's lastest film with fellow superstar Harrison Ford, Fraser said: "It is an extraordinary measure I know, but I have a lot of fans in the UK, not least the adorable Redslap, current holder of 'Fraser Fan of the Year' and I owe it to them to visit the UK once in a while. Couple that with the fact that I love to dance at any opportunity - and it certainly doesn't harm the career does it; just look at Harrison go since he starred in Strictly Come Dancing - and how could I refuse? Harry had an absolute ball; I was soooo jealous, but now's my chance!"

We asked, delicately, if the hair transplant had been going well and how it would be affected by the cold, the sequins, the lights, and not least, the dry ice and wind machines in common use on the reality show.

"No problemo! I'm borrowing Harrison's Indiana Jones hat, it'll look awesome."

But how will it stay on?

"The same way it did in the films of course - but that's a trade secret!"

The forty year old heartthrob is sure to be a hit with the fans and rumour has it that the female skaters are fighting over who'll have him as their celebrity partner. As a newly divorced bachelor, the actor has been linked with a bevy of dancing beauties, including former Strictly contestant Lynda Bellingham, ex-Strictly judge Arlene Phillips and last year's Dancing on Ice star, Colleen Nolan.

Arguing Pilots Forget to Land Plane

America's North West Airlines have launched an investigation after a heated argument between co-pilots led to them overshooting their destination by one hundred and fifty miles.

The two pilots, who have not been named, are refusing to say what the argument was all about, leading to speculation that there may be a more sinister reason for the incident.

However, a source close to one of the pilots said their heated discussion concerning airline policy centred on the guidelines for playing their Wii Sports Resorts - the Captain insisiting that Table Tennis was acceptable mid flight, whilst his colleague was adamant that only Basketball was allowed.

A spokesman for the company said the management were quite rightly furious - the pilots had attanded a training course just one week earlier, where it was made perfectly clear that the only Wii Sports Resorts game allowed was, obviously, Air Sports and there would likely be disciplinary action taken.

Big Ben Dropped By News at Ten

The Secretary of the ITN Five a Side Football League has requested a meeting with the manager of the News at Ten team, to explain reports leaked today that celebrated centre half, Big Ben, has been unceremoniously dropped from the top-of-the-table club.

The one hundred and fifty year old said he was shocked to find out from the internet that he wouldn’t be playing this weekend and would also be seeking a meeting with both the Manager and the owner of the team.

A source close to Big Ben said he’d been worried this might happen, ever since he celebrated his 150th birthday in May this year, but had previously received assurance that his concerns over the broadcaster’s ageism were unfounded.

Bounty Celebrity Mum of the Year Nominee List Published

There are few surprises on this year's list, with many commentators applauding the inclusion of Katie Price, aka Jordan, after such a difficult and traumatic year for her.

Joining Katie on the shortlist for the coveted title are Kerry Katona, Britney Spears and Karen Matthews, with surprise posthumous nominations for both Lucrezia Brogia and Joan Crawford, whom the organisers say were sadly overlooked at the height of their celebrity.

In related news, the Old Splice Father of the Year nominations have been released, and include Josef Fritzl and Pete Doherty, whilst Cain has been posthumously awarded the inaugural Gideon Brother of the Year, after the organisers felt that his contribution to arable farming was never truly recognised.

Voting for both Mum and Father awards continues until 1st November.

Queen Slips Into West End Play

Her Majesty, The Queen, stunned theatre goers this week when she made her debut as Miss Marple in the stage production of Agatha Christie's Dumb Witness, the longest running play in the West End at seventry three years and four months.

The Queen's theatrical ambitions were little known and she has been the understudy in this particular play since before ascending to the throne. Her moment finally came when the actress who normally plays Miss Marple, Emily Peabody, tripped over a ball left carelessly at the top of the steps leading down to her dressing room. There were reports that a corgi was seen waddling from the scene but this was dismissed by the theatre owners.

A spokesman for Her Majesty said: "One is extremely pleased to have this chance at last and one is also extremely pleased to be recognised with a standing ovation, which one's guards say was unanimous."

Ms. Peabody was said to be recovering well but is expected to take a long break, leaving The Queen fulfilling a lifetime ambition on the West End Stage. The next six months are already a sell out.

Wardrobe Malfunctions Hit Saturday PrimeTime

Following the unwelcome exposure received by Jade Johnson during the finale to her salsa last weekend, this weekend proved just as hair raising for the top divas in Strictly Come Dancing and X-Factor.

Su Judd, wardrobe mistress at Strictly had warned the Professionals that their increasingly daring choreography meant that the sculptured creations she and her colleagues slaved away for hours over, could not cope with the triple somersaults and acrobatic throws now becoming routine, with the result that the aeroplane lift utilised by James Jordan to send partner Zoe Lucker high into the balcony resulted in yet another exposure.


With the weight of the diamonds encrusted onto Whitney Houston's nightdress inspired gown causing the straps to snap at the most inopportune moment, it was finally left to Cheryl Cole to suffer the ignominity of having to borrow an outfit from a ten year old boy in a passing brass band, when her specially made ball gown ripped during the operation to remove the dry-cleaning ticket.

Sunday Supplement: Aaron Stone Unmasked

Disney’s on-line gaming legend Aaron Stone’s secret identity has been found out - he's Aaron P. Stone, real world gaming and Kent nightclub legend. He was surprised when we turned up on his doorstep but nevertheless decided that honesty was the best policy and allowed us entry to his hi-tech mansion.

We asked how he was able to run the venues he did, whilst travelling the globe carrying out secret missions.

“Since the Casino burnt down, I've had more opportunities, although dealing with the insurance is a pain, obviously, and takes up a lot of my time. But I would never forget my Rochester roots.

It's easy to have your head turned by the trappings of Hollywood and equally difficult playing a teenage boy when you’re actually 44 years old, but somehow, I manage.”

What about the Essex operations, are you happy enough to leave that to a Lieutenant?

“Oh, yes - the Circus Tavern is well enough established now that I very rarely have to venture north of the river, thankfully.

What about outside of Medway, in Kent?

“Oh, De Ja Vu pretty much looks after itself, with minimal input from me.”

What about outside of Medway, in Kent?

“Oh, De Ja Vu pretty much looks after itself, with minimal input from me.”

What about outside of Medway, in Kent?

“Oh, De Ja Vu pretty much looks after itself, with minimal input from me.”

We give the Editor a slap and thank Aaron for his hospitality.

Saturday Film Review: Up - The True Story of Balloon Boy.

A film charting the life of six year action adventure hero Brandon Hind is being rush released into cinemas this weekend.

A publicity stunt by the studio saw the oiginal helium house featured in the bio-flick Up being released early, with word put out that Brandon himself was on board, controlling the flight from the military style control centre in a cardboard box in the attic of the balloon.

It's a fantastic performance by the young star, who cites his his dad as a major inspiration, encouraging his interest in acting from an even earlier age.

The film shows the family as they're taken on a magical journey across three states, followed excitedly by amatuer flyers, stargarzers and newshounds, as they seek the fame and fortune promised but not delivered from various episodes of Life Swap, the reality show where, rumour has it, Brandon was swapped at birth with an unadventurous child who just wanted to play with dolls.

"It has all the makings of a cinematic epic that will be remembered for years to come," said respected film critic, Barry Norman. "Personally, I thought it was crap, but what do I know?"

South African Police Accused of Softly Softly Aproach

Cheryl to Mime on X-Factor

Girls Aloud superstar and boys' mentor Cheryl Cole has opted to show off another of her talents in this weekend's live shows - her five-starred Hollywood Mime Act, co-created by the legendary Marcel Marceau!

The singer will attempt to recreate the on-screen persona of some of Hollywoods finest leading ladies - Jane Russell, Marilyn Monroe, Rita Hayworth and Pamela Lee Anderson (in her special Genie of the Lamp Panto role) without singing a note, a feat never before pulled off by any other artist.

A source close to the singer said she was excited, but also nervous, since there was no bigger stage on which to air her debut performance. And with the eleven remaining hopefuls carefully watching, Cheryl knows there's no room for error if she's to retain her credibility in judging the singing competition.

It's believed that Cheryl met Marcel by chance, whilst holidaying in France in the summer of 2007 and the pair became inseparable, with Marceau proclaiming her "a natural". The last two years have been spent perfecting the routine and Cheryl feels the time is now right to perform in public. It will be an emotional performance by the star, since her hero and mentor passed away shortly after their collaboration. Have a box of tissues handy.

Madonna Drops Her Trainer

Out on her customary training jog around the streets of London, pop superstar Madonna was distraught on her arrival home to find that she'd lost one of her custom made Louboutin trainers.

Considering the £870 asking price, blisters were the last thing on the fitness fanatic's mind and she was shocked to find one appear on her right heel halfway round her opening lap of Regents Park.

A bodyguard was instructed to remove the offending footwear and carry the incapacitated singer home, with another bodyguard instructed to carry the trainer itself. Unfortunately, at some point during the journey back, the bodyguard appeared to lose concentration and fumbled, with the result that the trainer tumbled from his arms into Hyde Park Corner, where it was consummed by oncoming traffic.

A massive search of the area by specially trained officers and members of the Official Madonna Fan Group has so far been unsuccessful. The Police Liaison officer assigned to the case issued the following statement.

"We have advised Ms Ciccone to follow the advice on the manufacturers instruction booklet and next time, take the label out."

Strauss May Skip Tour of Bangladesh

England cricket captain, Andrew Strauss, isn't taking just his batting equipment to Bangladesh for the tour in March. A recent convert to the delights and health benefits of skipping, the skipper has purchased a Skip-Hop Adult Adjustable Rope with full Men's Fitness Workout, made from scuff resistant PVC (available for just £11.99) and plans to skip his way around the Asian country utilising it's cycle routes.

The rest of the England squad however, are said to be rather underwhelmed at their skipper's new skipping hobby - especially Alistair Cooke and Stuart Broad, whom Strauss continually ropes in to ... erm, hold the rope. Reports that Malcolm McLaren will accompany the cricketer were also completely lost on the younger generation, who have absolutely no idea who McLaren is and just don't get the pop culture reference.

It comes at an opportune moment for the Middlesex batsman, as he'll find himself in top shape for the World Rope Skipping championships being held in Loughborough on 31st July/1st August - a handy fall back if he's dropped from the England squad.

Cage Fights to Stay Afloat

Hollywood heart-throb Nicholas Cage today spoke of his struggles to fulfill his family's wish and pass his Bronze Survival Award in swimming.

As a teenager, the Beverley Hills High School attendee was more interested in visiting the local cinema than keeping up with his swimming training, with the result that his pyjama floats are a shambles, much to his wife's frustration.

A family friend confided that Alice Kim was the holder of the elite Bronze Medallion and felt that Nic should stop messing about and set his aim for a "proper" award, instead of hankering after another Oscar.

Sunday Supplement: The Damning of 'Come Change Dining Room With Me'

The mini riot that broke out during filming for Five's new reality show, combining the best bits of Come Dine With Me and Changing Rooms, appears to have scuppered the remainder of the series, as producers hold crisis meetings to discuss exactly what went wrong.

"On the face of it, it was a win-win scenario: Two hugely popular shows, both with dedicated followers - making over a dining room before sitting down to a three course dinner prepared by the host/ess," said presenter Lorraine Kelly. "I was loving every minute of it - until it happened."

The GMTV hostess declined to be drawn on the details, but an insider hiding behind the GMTV sofa told us: "Some wit decided to replace the vanilla white emulsion with the single cream being saved for dessert - it went on surprisingly well at first, possibly the preservatives gave it that extra stickyness, but of course, a little while later, when the wall was covered in flies and the smell overpowering, nobody wanted to stay for the dinner."

Saturday Review: X-Factor in Race Row

Simon Cowell has been accused of making racist remarks to one of his star turns in this year's X-Factor.

With the live show only a matter of hours/minutes away (depending on when we go to press) the pop svengali apparently told contestant Olly Murs that he "looked just like an Aussie" following a recent dress rehearsal.

A source close to Olly said he was very upset at the remarks: "It was Simon who chose the song, the look, everything - he insists that Waltzing Matilda will be a huge hit with the audience and that the corked hat sets it off just right."

The insider also revealed it's not the first time Olly has been called an Aussie - he is frequently mistaken for one in his day job in a call centre. Sometimes, he's even mistaken for a New Zealander, or, worse still, some customers tell him he's posh.

"And they rarely get his name right - he's been called Doily, Oily, Polly, Alley and Stan - he expected a bit more courtesy from Simon."

"N.A.S.A." Bomb Moon's Surface

Having got the brush off from N.A.S.A. about the reason hostile action was taken against our relatively peaceful neighbour, the moon, a receptionist patched us through to N.A.T.O. whom she said may be able to help us further with our enquiries.

Jaap De Hoof Scheffer, the Secretary General agreed to speak with us, as his general secretary was unavailable and he'd inadvertently answered the phone - a leftover of his many and varied roles within Dutch government departments.

Ed: So, what's the moon ever done to you then?

Jaap: I can assure you, that the moon is perfectly safe from further attacks; this was a mistake and it will not be repeated.

Ed: A mistake? Just how can such a colossal mistake be made - why would you bomb the moon?

Jaap: We were not aiming for the moon, obviously - that would be silly.

Ed: Well, what were you aiming for?

Jaap: Mars.

Ed: Mars? Why?

Jaap: It is our belief, following a weapons inspection, that the Martians may be stockpiling weapons of mass destruction and we felt we needed to engage. Unfortunately, the GPS was a bit out and we missed.

Ed: THERE ARE MARTIANS FOR REAL! ALIENS REALLY EXIST?

Jaap: Er ... please don't shout and er ... would you hold the line a moment?

We held, and, fortunately the Secretary General didn't understand the new fangled telephone system and didn't actually put us on hold, so we heard:

Jaap: Haven't we released that news then? Oh. Bugger. Ahem - hello?

Ed: Still here.

Jaap: Yes, my mistake - we were aiming for the moon, well, when I say we, it was N.A.S.A. really - they wanted to find out if there was any water there, so the astronauts don't need to keep packing a flask each.

Ed: It was N.A.S.A. who put us through to you.

Jaap: Ah, yes, quite, well - their secretary isn't too bright, you know - she's been fully briefed now - I'll just patch you back. Thank you for calling N.A.T.O. Have a nice day.

Shoppers Being Diddled, says Watchdog

Dom Littlewood took a report by Which? magazine seriously and tested a bunch of shoppers to discover if they really were as thick as the supermarkets believed them to be - and found out that the answer was Yes! They were too thick to work out the price per item themselves!

Working on the notion that the supermarkets are out to make money, Watchdog spent a pleasant few minutes confirming what they'd already discovered - some shoppers are thick.

"I'm flabbergasted" said Stephen Robinson from the British Retail Consortium "that the customers proved all the experts absolutely right. And whilst I'm sure the supermarkets aren't doing anything underhand in order to make their billion pound profits in the midst of recession, you can't legislate for stupidity."

Wizards and Warlocks in Battle over Ronaldo.

The US Major Soccer League descended into chaos today, when it emerged that rival teams and neighbours, the Kansas City Wizards and the Witchita Warlocks, were locked in a fierce battle for the right to sign Portuguese and Real Madrid forward Ronaldo.

With Real Madrid on the verge of bankruptcy, due the ridiculous £123M a week they pay the star, they're letting him go for a crate of Echo Falls and a P&O Ferry ticket (for a maximum of four persons and one car) to the first club who can stump up the player's air fair. Despite Ronaldo currently suffering from an ankle injury, the US teams are in dispute as to who booked a flight first. In related news, the player's agent denied that when Ronaldo tried to shake off the injury, his foot fell off.

With tensions running incredibly high, the clubs came to blows during their recent derby match at the Warlocks ground, in a bad tempered game that saw Glenda, the Wizard's cheerleader, being sent off for dissent, after being flagged off side by the Witchita Linesman ...

Oh, come on, you know it had to be done! Ed.

Russell and Katy "In Love"

Celebrity gossipers are beside themsleves at the news that proverbial Ladies Man, Russell Brand, finally appears to have been tamed by TV funnywoman namesake Katy.

Russell refused to comment on the situation but Katy herself was far less shy than Russell about their burgeoning romance, telling close friends she was "thrilled and excited" and that he was "such a sweetie, really" and "isn't it fantastic that I won't have to change my name when we get married?"

The romance is set to lessen the pain in Russell's heart caused by the misfortune of the other great love of his life, West Ham United, currently languishing at the foot of the Premiership table. The couple have been seen enjoying romantic liaisons at the Upton Park ground, followed by dancing the night away in the Boleyn Pub, just up the road on the corner and a haven for the club's celebrity supporters, with The Queen and Barack Obama both joining the commiserating over a sherry and a swift half.

A pal of Russell's said: "I don't know what he'd do without Katy's support at this time: She's gone with him to all the home games and just being there gives him the strength to carry on."

Iran Take Advantage of Star Wars Cancellation ...

... by giving refuge to Wookie rebel forces.

Sunday Supplement: Is Cowell Right to Ban Stars From X-Factor Audience?

With the cast and fellow judges in uproar at Simon Cowell's new dictum, we asked just why does the pop mogul have such a downer on Milky Way Stars?

A spokesman for Stars makers, Mars Confectionary Ltd, admitted they were at a loss to understand the hatred for their product by the pop star maker. "We know for a fact that he loves normal Milky Way Bars; perhaps it's the lack of the vanilla centre he objects to, we just don't know."

The row is indictative of the problems beset by the manufacture of Milky Way over the years - to be vanilla or chocolate, to be milk or dark chocolate, to actually make it different from a Mars Bar in the States, to float or not to float and this latest controversy all deflects from the notion, that, at the end of the day, it's chocolate and that can only be a good thing.

The pop svengali declined to comment, but a publicist has admitted that no other kind of chocolate has been banned and that the judges and audience have the choice of many more chocolate goodies to munch on.

We pressed on unabated, after all, it's in the public interest that we understand exactly why Stars are banned - if there's an underlying health factor, for example, the public have a right to know.

Finally, the KingMaker of PopStars revealed his concerns: "They're creepy, I just don't like them, ok?"

Still not satisfied, we asked if there was some trauma in his childhood that made him feel this way? To our horror, the pop hardman burst into tears and through stifled sobs, admitted that a cousin had dressed up as a Milky Way Star one Halloween, tied him to the points and cartwheeled his way through Trick or Treat.

But did no-one stop and help?

"No, they thought we (hic) that we (sob) they thought we were having fun."

So now you know - if Simon Cowell kicks your favourite off the show, send him Milky Way Stars. You didn't hear that from us.

Saturday Film Review: The Return of Jackass - Live and Cut

Johnny Knoxville and the boys are back for another full-on sojourn into the realms of pain and humiliation - and this time they're not alone!

In the biggest movie coup in the history of the world ever, the cast and crew are honoured by their biggest fan joining them on screen to try his hand at a few challenges.

U.S. President Barack Obama has been a long time admirer of the show and publicises it wherever possible - witness the recent Kanye West incident- far too good an opportunity to pass on; it follows his description of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as a Jackass, former President George W. Bush as a Jackass and Gordon Brown, as, you've guessed it, a Jackass.

The friend of a cousin of a sibling of a visitor to an insider at the White House, was told that the First Lady, Michelle Obama, said the President had been in training for some time and was now so adept at paper cutting his eyelid, the muffled yell of pain could not be heard anywhere outside the Oval Office.

Unconfirmed reports say that West, Bush, Brown and Ahmedinejad will all be making cameo appearances.

Richard and Judy Return to This Morning!

Philip Schofield is said to be "devastated" at the news leaked today that ITV have re-signed husband and wife team Richard Madeley and Judy Finnegan, to front the popular daytime programme he has presented for the past seven years, leaving him with only The Cube, Dancing on Ice, Mr and Mrs, Last Celebrity Toilet Cleaner Who Dares to Wipe Standing and the organisation of the broadcaster's Xmas party to justify his £5m two year golden handcuffs deal.

Even more unsettling for the dashing host, was the time frame for the couple's return - next week. Critics about to point out that ITV had just sacked all their other presenters to save money, were flabbergasted when it was confirmed that Richard and Judy were working for free!

Beseiged by an army of anxioux Twitterers, Phil tweeted: "I could always go back to the broom cupboard, I suppose - Gordon (the gopher, his previous sidekick) has been hankering after a return there for years."

Gordon also logged straight into Twitter; at the start of the day he had only seventeen followers, his career having seen a steady decline since the heady days of CBBC - by tea time though, it was apparent that a movement to keep Schofield on the mid-morning show was having a knock-on effect on the gopher's popularity, as fans sought information on the situation: His follower count saw a rise to 225,486. He refused to confirm however, that he and Philip would make a return to the scene of a former broadcasting triumph, Southend Radio.

Holly Willoughby was said to be even more distressed - she's just spent a fortune on sensible new clothes to wear on the show, when it was feared that her figure hugging low cut creations may prove too much for the retired men watching.

Meaden Axed in Favour of Lloyd

Just when the BBC seemed to be on target for re-introducing older women back into their primetime schedule, the producer of Dragon's Den, Albert Lloyd, says that the only female dragon, Debra Meaden, is standing down "for personal reasons".

Meaden, who is actually only 37 and a slim, pretty blonde with many years of business experience, is being replaced by model and reality TV star, Danielle Lloyd, in an effort to introduce the programme to younger and less businessy astute viewers who might learn something.

We asked Mr.Lloyd if he thought that really was the true calling of the programme, and wasn't it yet another case of dumbing down and trying to be hip, which would ultimately turn off the existing viewers?

"Not at all, Debra decided to move on and we simply felt that the Dragon's could do with a bit of fresh blood and a different perspective."

We asked whose money Danielle was going to give away.

"Oh, I'm sure she'll find a backer."

We noted the similarity in the producer's and Danielle's surnames and asked if they were related.

"Ha ha, no, of course not! Goodness, it's a common surname."

We persevered. She is, isn't she.

"No, I ...er ...well, that is to say, erm. Yes."

And Debra's "personal reasons" for leaving were because you tried to get her over the back of the tea trolley, weren't they?

"No comment."

We assured Mr Lloyd we weren't the police.

"So can I go now?"

Of course, we told him and - Debra's waiting for you outside. Have fun.