Health chief across the NHS held emergency talks this week, when it became apparent there were more and more cases of fathers to be having to deliver their own babies.
The evidence is stacking up against the American magician David Blaine - the latest incident in Blackburn saw a father-to-be witness his wife's midwife vanish before his eyes - Blaine was appearing at a local theatre just yards away; in Liverpool, the same happened to a young woman giving birth in the street, attended by an off duty midwife - Blaine was working the local shopping centre, and, sure enough - the off duty midwife disappeared before the baby popped into the world. Passers by on that occasion finished off, a paramedic unit luckily appearing within a few minutes - adding to the speculation that for every disappearance, an appearance also takes place and in most cases, the people concerned are swapped with each other.
Experts are convinced that Blaine is unaware of the catastophe and confusion he is causing, especially in the case of the midwife who was swapped with a taxidermist.
Sunday, 31 January 2010
Saturday, 30 January 2010
Saturday Film Review: Woods Wants McEvoy as Hobbit
Friends and family of Lord of the Rings star Elijah Woods are today remaining tight lipped about the star's whereabouts, after he fantasised aloud about dressing British actor James McEvoy up as a Hobbit and taking him on a quest. Other pals however, state that Elijah has become somewhat obsessed by Hobbits since his seventeen years filming the epic trilogy.
Elijah's agent dismissed the reported comments, saying his client was "clearly joking", even though he was found rummaging through the studio's wardrobe department at the time, looking for the big, fake feet he and the other actors wore for filming.
Privately, a close friend admitted that Elijah had a bit of a thing for James, after seeing him as Mr. Tumnus in the Chronicles of Narnia. He also revealed that Elijah had spent a fortune voting for Chris Hollins and Ola Jordan to win Strictly Come Dancing, and that he cleared his bank account out to pay his phone bill when the BBC announced that the semi-final was down to public vote only.
"We're all very concerned about the cost of voting for Dancing on Ice now," said the close friend. "He's taken a real shine to Danny Young and is badgering the studio to come up with a long lost brother for Bilbo."
Elijah's agent dismissed the reported comments, saying his client was "clearly joking", even though he was found rummaging through the studio's wardrobe department at the time, looking for the big, fake feet he and the other actors wore for filming.
Privately, a close friend admitted that Elijah had a bit of a thing for James, after seeing him as Mr. Tumnus in the Chronicles of Narnia. He also revealed that Elijah had spent a fortune voting for Chris Hollins and Ola Jordan to win Strictly Come Dancing, and that he cleared his bank account out to pay his phone bill when the BBC announced that the semi-final was down to public vote only.
"We're all very concerned about the cost of voting for Dancing on Ice now," said the close friend. "He's taken a real shine to Danny Young and is badgering the studio to come up with a long lost brother for Bilbo."
Thursday, 28 January 2010
Davina's Terror in Big Brother House
Davina McCall vowed "Never again!" when she finally escaped the clutches of the celebrities in the Big Brother house last night.
Sent in undercover, the hostess, who's never entered before when the house is occupied, said she was shocked and disgusted by the rankness of the celebrities. Fearing that intimate snaps of them naked might find their way out onto the internet, the celebs have refused to bathe or shower, with the result that even the toughest plug-in air fresheners are making little difference.
"That's probably because they're always on the go and the automatic air freshener is puffing every few seconds," said a spokesman for programme makers, Endemol. "So they've all got used to it now - and it's the same one Davina uses, so she couldn't differentiate either."
Ms McCall, who is also presenting Sky's Got To Dance reality show, is said to be recovering well from her ordeal.
Sent in undercover, the hostess, who's never entered before when the house is occupied, said she was shocked and disgusted by the rankness of the celebrities. Fearing that intimate snaps of them naked might find their way out onto the internet, the celebs have refused to bathe or shower, with the result that even the toughest plug-in air fresheners are making little difference.
"That's probably because they're always on the go and the automatic air freshener is puffing every few seconds," said a spokesman for programme makers, Endemol. "So they've all got used to it now - and it's the same one Davina uses, so she couldn't differentiate either."
Ms McCall, who is also presenting Sky's Got To Dance reality show, is said to be recovering well from her ordeal.
Wednesday, 27 January 2010
Dairy Lea to replace Dairy Milk
Following the possible takeover of Cadbury by food giants Kraft, supermarkets were reporting a run on Creme Eggs, to the extent they were now becoming a rarity and fetching more money on Ebay than Faberge Eggs.
With chocoholics panicking over the possible loss of some of the iconic lines such as Buttons, petitions were piling into Cadbury headquarters, with at least half the population voicing their concerns.
Cadbury denied reports that Royal Bank of Scotland Chairman, Sir Stephen Hester, was the major Cadbury shareholder driving forward the deal with Kraft, although they agreed he would be in a win/win situation, with the monies from his shares there adding to the profit the bank will make on the back of the loan with Kraft and therefore driving up the costs of his share related bonus in RBS. "But there's no truth in that rumour," said a Cadbury spokesman, "so could you please refrain from printing it?"
They also denied reports that the renovations about to be undertaken on Bournville House were being carried out by Sir Fred Goodwin's property company. "Absolutely not!" stated the Cadbury spokesman vehemently. "I just don't know where you get half your information, I truly don't, but you're completely irresponsible in starting such nasty rumours."
And the fate of Creme Eggs?
"No Comment."
With chocoholics panicking over the possible loss of some of the iconic lines such as Buttons, petitions were piling into Cadbury headquarters, with at least half the population voicing their concerns.
Cadbury denied reports that Royal Bank of Scotland Chairman, Sir Stephen Hester, was the major Cadbury shareholder driving forward the deal with Kraft, although they agreed he would be in a win/win situation, with the monies from his shares there adding to the profit the bank will make on the back of the loan with Kraft and therefore driving up the costs of his share related bonus in RBS. "But there's no truth in that rumour," said a Cadbury spokesman, "so could you please refrain from printing it?"
They also denied reports that the renovations about to be undertaken on Bournville House were being carried out by Sir Fred Goodwin's property company. "Absolutely not!" stated the Cadbury spokesman vehemently. "I just don't know where you get half your information, I truly don't, but you're completely irresponsible in starting such nasty rumours."
And the fate of Creme Eggs?
"No Comment."
Tuesday, 26 January 2010
Aliens Confused by Satellites
Heads of State throughout the world breathed a huge, slow sigh of relief today, when the founder of S.E.T.I revealed that alien life forms are being thrown off course by interference from the digital satellites orbiting Earth.
Dr Frank Drake, who founded the Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence agency fifty years ago, said he was gutted that the chances of now communicating with the life forms on Mars and Venus was diminishing by the day, as more and more people switched from analogue.
The scientist firmly believes that the aliens who may have tried to visit us will no longer be able to follow the trail left by transmissions, and even those who have been here before would struggle to return without the same guidance.
"Let's be honest," he said, "unless the alien navigators are of the female persuasion, who can follow their noses (if they have any) or can stop off along the way to ask another species, they haven't the faintest chance of making it here."
Dr Frank Drake, who founded the Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence agency fifty years ago, said he was gutted that the chances of now communicating with the life forms on Mars and Venus was diminishing by the day, as more and more people switched from analogue.
The scientist firmly believes that the aliens who may have tried to visit us will no longer be able to follow the trail left by transmissions, and even those who have been here before would struggle to return without the same guidance.
"Let's be honest," he said, "unless the alien navigators are of the female persuasion, who can follow their noses (if they have any) or can stop off along the way to ask another species, they haven't the faintest chance of making it here."
Monday, 25 January 2010
Woman Trips On Picasso
A priceless work of art was almost ruined today, when a woman attending a drug rehabilitation seminar in New York's Metropolitan Museum of Art, overdosed on a fellow attendee's batch of fake Paloma Picasso perfume, Women's EDP.
Thelma Chrystalmeth Foy, 52, lost her balance following exposure to the 30ml Eau de Toilette, but carried on spraying, seemingly out of control. Bashing into the dividing bamboo screens in the Silk and Bamboo exhibition, Thelma's fall was cushioned by her landing onto Tracy Emin's unmade bed, exhibiting at the gallery for the next three weeks.
Not feeling herself, Thelma didn't realise it was an exhibit and set about straightening the sheets and shaking out the duvet, whipping off the linen off before security guards could stop her. Whilst much if the damage was easily repaired, the focus point of the piece was completely destroyed.
Ms Emin is expected to fly in next week to re-soil the fitted sheet. Ms Chrystalmeth Foy was said to be recovering, although she may look a little worse for wear for some days.
Thelma Chrystalmeth Foy, 52, lost her balance following exposure to the 30ml Eau de Toilette, but carried on spraying, seemingly out of control. Bashing into the dividing bamboo screens in the Silk and Bamboo exhibition, Thelma's fall was cushioned by her landing onto Tracy Emin's unmade bed, exhibiting at the gallery for the next three weeks.
Not feeling herself, Thelma didn't realise it was an exhibit and set about straightening the sheets and shaking out the duvet, whipping off the linen off before security guards could stop her. Whilst much if the damage was easily repaired, the focus point of the piece was completely destroyed.
Ms Emin is expected to fly in next week to re-soil the fitted sheet. Ms Chrystalmeth Foy was said to be recovering, although she may look a little worse for wear for some days.
Sunday, 24 January 2010
Sunday Television Supplement: Royal's Upmarket Response to Dave
Clarence House has decided to enter the fray of commercial television, with their very own broadcasts from their royal residences.
The Queen herself has written and will star in sitcom One's Family, charting the trials and tribulations of many an annus horribilis, but on a Friday night at 7.30pm every week, with an hilarious turn from Prince Philip as a grumpy old man who just sits in an armchair demanding drink and girls all the time.
Prince Charles will be introducing coverage of the Real Tennis finals and the Polo World Cup, while wife Camilla hosts the all new All Star Lords and Ladies. Meanwhile, in a major reconciliation, Paul Burrell will chart the hysterical exploits of a personal assistant to wide boy Prince Harry, in the everyday story, Valet.
Finally, Dame Kiri Te Kanawa will present the royal's very own reality show So You Think You Can Sing Opera in a Horse Drawn Carriage, where lesser known members of the family not on the civil list will compete to be the most famous member of the royal family not on the civil list.
Tristram TV will be available on Digital, Freeview, in HD and will debut on April 1st.
The Queen herself has written and will star in sitcom One's Family, charting the trials and tribulations of many an annus horribilis, but on a Friday night at 7.30pm every week, with an hilarious turn from Prince Philip as a grumpy old man who just sits in an armchair demanding drink and girls all the time.
Prince Charles will be introducing coverage of the Real Tennis finals and the Polo World Cup, while wife Camilla hosts the all new All Star Lords and Ladies. Meanwhile, in a major reconciliation, Paul Burrell will chart the hysterical exploits of a personal assistant to wide boy Prince Harry, in the everyday story, Valet.
Finally, Dame Kiri Te Kanawa will present the royal's very own reality show So You Think You Can Sing Opera in a Horse Drawn Carriage, where lesser known members of the family not on the civil list will compete to be the most famous member of the royal family not on the civil list.
Tristram TV will be available on Digital, Freeview, in HD and will debut on April 1st.
Saturday, 23 January 2010
Saturday Music Review: The Real "Busted"
The origins of the Harlan Howard song that gave Ray Charles his 1963 #4 in the Billboard Hot 100, Busted, have come to light, scribbled on the back of a beer crate, following a clearout of the songwriters home. With the original lyrics seemingly deemed unsuitable for the palates of the pop buying public of the time, they underwent a radical change before Charles or indeed, Johnny Cash, were allowed to record the catchy number.
A song that would grace any decade, particularly one blighted by recession, it's seen as an anthem by those struggling to make ends meet in tough times, however, it seems it wasn't financial constraints that were on Howard's mind when he wrote the original.
With young people de-sensitised to the less fragrant aspects of society, we feel it's time that Howard's song be given the credit such insightful songwriting deserves. Here, in all it's glory, the story of Howard's beano to Margate on a coach with his mates can finally be told.
A song that would grace any decade, particularly one blighted by recession, it's seen as an anthem by those struggling to make ends meet in tough times, however, it seems it wasn't financial constraints that were on Howard's mind when he wrote the original.
With young people de-sensitised to the less fragrant aspects of society, we feel it's time that Howard's song be given the credit such insightful songwriting deserves. Here, in all it's glory, the story of Howard's beano to Margate on a coach with his mates can finally be told.
Wasted
The toilet’s engaged, they’re taking an age and I’m wasted
I just gotta go, the tortoise head’s low and I’m wasted
My bum's really sore, gut’s the size of a store, the traffic cone’s stuck where it’s forbidden by law and my mates are insisting on downing one more, so I’m wasted
The pong is so strong, we cleared the bar throng and we’re wasted
The barmaid she said we are all drunken bums and we’re wasted
We’re all botty burping, our tummies all hurting, the toilet is blocked, the vicar defrocked and the barmaid’s fed up with our slurping, we’re so wasted
The wife wears a frown when I trip and fall down, I’m still wasted
She refused to be wooed, there was puke on my shoe, cos I’m wasted.
The kids staged a coup and my poo is like glue, she said I’d be better off in a zoo, it’s time to lay down but I can’t stop spinning round cos I’m wasted.
Thursday, 21 January 2010
Press Invaded by Time Lords!
It's one of those "Where were you when it happened" moments, a happening in history forever etched in the minds and souls of humanity: in an amazing breakthrough, journalists have managed to fit almost an extra forty minutes into an hour, stretching the space time continuum in a way we can all benefit.
Initially an experiment, to ensure that all twelve remaining couples got an even amount of air time on this weekend's Dancing on Ice, sage journalists also discovered they could use the same methodology to explain the extra time afforded to Manchester United, whenever they were losing.
A scientist working at the Large Hadron Collider said they would be sending a contingent of experts to the public houses in and around Fleet Street, to gauge the extent the discovery could aid them in their quest for the answer to life, the universe and everything.
Initially an experiment, to ensure that all twelve remaining couples got an even amount of air time on this weekend's Dancing on Ice, sage journalists also discovered they could use the same methodology to explain the extra time afforded to Manchester United, whenever they were losing.
A scientist working at the Large Hadron Collider said they would be sending a contingent of experts to the public houses in and around Fleet Street, to gauge the extent the discovery could aid them in their quest for the answer to life, the universe and everything.
Wednesday, 20 January 2010
Brit Winter Sport Stars Make Front Page Shock!
Our reigning World Champion Bobsleigh partnership finally made it on to the front pages of the news headlines today, following the latest round of the World Cup in St.Moritz.
Nicola Minichiello and Gillian Cooke were just about to set off, when Gillian tore off her racesuit to bare all, in the hope of attracting a sponsor for their Olympic challenge.
Shelly Rudman has now vowed to ride topless in her next event in order to get the recognition she derserves, while partner Kristan Bromley is putting together a Chippendale style Bobsleigh squad to tour the country when the Vancouver Winter Olympics are over.
"I can't beleive we've been knocking ourselves out training to win the damn competitions, in order to get some recongnition and some sponsorship, when all we needed to do was strip for it!" said a shocked Bromley, as he was measured up for his velcro trousers.
Gillian confirmed however, that the only enquiries she'd received since the exposure was from the Marks and Spencer Lingerie manager.
Nicola Minichiello and Gillian Cooke were just about to set off, when Gillian tore off her racesuit to bare all, in the hope of attracting a sponsor for their Olympic challenge.
Shelly Rudman has now vowed to ride topless in her next event in order to get the recognition she derserves, while partner Kristan Bromley is putting together a Chippendale style Bobsleigh squad to tour the country when the Vancouver Winter Olympics are over.
"I can't beleive we've been knocking ourselves out training to win the damn competitions, in order to get some recongnition and some sponsorship, when all we needed to do was strip for it!" said a shocked Bromley, as he was measured up for his velcro trousers.
Gillian confirmed however, that the only enquiries she'd received since the exposure was from the Marks and Spencer Lingerie manager.
Tuesday, 19 January 2010
Human "Bed Warming" Service Launched
Holiday Inn today announced a new business partnership with entrepreneur Belle De Jour, by launching a human Bed Warming Service at all their establishments in the UK and around the world.
Coinciding with a new ITV series of her life story The Secret Diary of a Call Girl, Belle will be instructing the "bed-warmers" and coaching them to achieve the new Level Two Diploma that is being developed to ensure a professional manner is maintained at all times.
Holiday Inn's owners denied they were involved in any kind of illegal solicitation activity and pointed out that Belle was actually a respected astro-physics scientist and the special bed-warming suit - known as the BirthdaySuit - was in fact a design of her very own.
A spokesman for the company added: "We had the same fuss when we introduced the massage parlours and adult toy and lingerie shops to the Holiday Express brand, but the fears some people had were never realised, as they were proven to be legitimate business enterprises. This latest innovation clears the way for the implementation of our final service, the lap dancing club."
Coinciding with a new ITV series of her life story The Secret Diary of a Call Girl, Belle will be instructing the "bed-warmers" and coaching them to achieve the new Level Two Diploma that is being developed to ensure a professional manner is maintained at all times.
Holiday Inn's owners denied they were involved in any kind of illegal solicitation activity and pointed out that Belle was actually a respected astro-physics scientist and the special bed-warming suit - known as the BirthdaySuit - was in fact a design of her very own.
A spokesman for the company added: "We had the same fuss when we introduced the massage parlours and adult toy and lingerie shops to the Holiday Express brand, but the fears some people had were never realised, as they were proven to be legitimate business enterprises. This latest innovation clears the way for the implementation of our final service, the lap dancing club."
Monday, 18 January 2010
JayZ Shocked by Eminem's Clothing
Superstar JayZ spoke for the first time today about the shock he had upon finding out that his rap star friend had an underwear fetish.
"Bey and I had invited him round for dinner and things were going swimmingly, until he asked to use the bathroom - we had no idea at the time, but when Bey went in there later, her winter warmers were missing from the clothes horse over the bathtub."
Her winter warmers?
"Sure - thermal stockings, knickers, vests - you know the kind of thing. She couldn't find them anywhere - but we noticed that Em's jeans were fitting a little more snugly than normal and when I hugged him goodnight, I realised - he'd put them all on! I mean, he only had to ask, if he was chilly, Bey would've gladly lent him some. But then we found out, he wasn't chilly - I thought maybe he had a bit of a thing for Bey, but then I thought, nah. I mean, she's alright, just not his type."
Initially fearing a chesty cold, Beyonce was rushed to a local Wal-Mart, where she was fortunately able to replace the missing undies with a special BOGOF offer underway.
"Bey and I had invited him round for dinner and things were going swimmingly, until he asked to use the bathroom - we had no idea at the time, but when Bey went in there later, her winter warmers were missing from the clothes horse over the bathtub."
Her winter warmers?
"Sure - thermal stockings, knickers, vests - you know the kind of thing. She couldn't find them anywhere - but we noticed that Em's jeans were fitting a little more snugly than normal and when I hugged him goodnight, I realised - he'd put them all on! I mean, he only had to ask, if he was chilly, Bey would've gladly lent him some. But then we found out, he wasn't chilly - I thought maybe he had a bit of a thing for Bey, but then I thought, nah. I mean, she's alright, just not his type."
Initially fearing a chesty cold, Beyonce was rushed to a local Wal-Mart, where she was fortunately able to replace the missing undies with a special BOGOF offer underway.
Sunday, 17 January 2010
Sunday Shopping Supplement: Susan Boyle's Bags
Forget Vuitton, D&G and Gucci, with the opening of the on-line Subo shops, celebrities and ordinary folk alike have been rushing to buy the latest must-have: The Boyle in the Bag Bag.
With amazing brave designs, the scratch and sniff bags are available in many different designs and smells, with the budget Cod in Butter Bag and Cod in Parsley Bag proving especially popular at just £35 each, all though the early favourite amongst builders wives is the All-Day Breakast Baked Beanie Bag, a snip at just £75.
The single most expensive item in the range is Susan's special Bunny Boyler Bag, complete with lucky rabbits foot charms and a special scratch and sniff rabbit stew aroma, a trophy for the A-Listers as £499. Reports are that it's flying off the shelves, particularly from the airport franchises.
With amazing brave designs, the scratch and sniff bags are available in many different designs and smells, with the budget Cod in Butter Bag and Cod in Parsley Bag proving especially popular at just £35 each, all though the early favourite amongst builders wives is the All-Day Breakast Baked Beanie Bag, a snip at just £75.
The single most expensive item in the range is Susan's special Bunny Boyler Bag, complete with lucky rabbits foot charms and a special scratch and sniff rabbit stew aroma, a trophy for the A-Listers as £499. Reports are that it's flying off the shelves, particularly from the airport franchises.
Saturday, 16 January 2010
Saturday Review: So You Think You Can Dance's Robbie Reflects
So You Think You Can Dance finalist, Robbie White, has finally admitted being a member of the undead, but says he doesn't need or want any special treatment from either the judges or the fans of the iconic dance show.
"It wouldn't be fair on the rest of the guys, because we all here to dance and where we came from or what we look like shouldn't sway anyone; it's all about the dancing."
And let's face it, vampires are the new sex-gods, aren't they, and have no need of rules and regulations demanding equality and status. You can have what you want anytime.
"Oh, I dont know about that," he mused, when we caught up with him over a Jaffa cake and a packet of 'O' Negative in the BBC canteen. "Times have changed, since Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, everyone thinks they're a slayer!"
In fact, the only concession the producers have made so far is to ensure Robbie is spray-tanned before each show, as his vampiric countenance was causing reflection difficulties for the camera crew.
" I still don't understand why the wardrobe ladies need me completely naked though," he says, shyly, smiling as a besotted tea lady brought over a tray and laid a serviette over his lap. "I mean, I was wearing tails last week, for my foxtrot with Yanet, so I figured they'd only need to do my neck and face. And I've Hip Hop this week, so I said I'll be in long sleeves again, but they still insisted."
Robbie, 279, whose true-life story was portrayed by American actor James Marsters in cult TV series Buffy, said he was thrilled to learn the auditions and show would take place through the Winter, offering some protection from the sun's rays.
"It can be a real bind, walking everywhere under a blanket, or wearing leathers and motorcycle helmet all the time," he said, adding, "but I couldn't be more thrilled - this is the self same spray tan booth as used by the legendary John Sargeant in Strictly Come Dancing. I only hope that some of the popularity vibe he had will rub off on me."
"It wouldn't be fair on the rest of the guys, because we all here to dance and where we came from or what we look like shouldn't sway anyone; it's all about the dancing."
And let's face it, vampires are the new sex-gods, aren't they, and have no need of rules and regulations demanding equality and status. You can have what you want anytime.
"Oh, I dont know about that," he mused, when we caught up with him over a Jaffa cake and a packet of 'O' Negative in the BBC canteen. "Times have changed, since Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, everyone thinks they're a slayer!"
In fact, the only concession the producers have made so far is to ensure Robbie is spray-tanned before each show, as his vampiric countenance was causing reflection difficulties for the camera crew.
" I still don't understand why the wardrobe ladies need me completely naked though," he says, shyly, smiling as a besotted tea lady brought over a tray and laid a serviette over his lap. "I mean, I was wearing tails last week, for my foxtrot with Yanet, so I figured they'd only need to do my neck and face. And I've Hip Hop this week, so I said I'll be in long sleeves again, but they still insisted."
Robbie, 279, whose true-life story was portrayed by American actor James Marsters in cult TV series Buffy, said he was thrilled to learn the auditions and show would take place through the Winter, offering some protection from the sun's rays.
"It can be a real bind, walking everywhere under a blanket, or wearing leathers and motorcycle helmet all the time," he said, adding, "but I couldn't be more thrilled - this is the self same spray tan booth as used by the legendary John Sargeant in Strictly Come Dancing. I only hope that some of the popularity vibe he had will rub off on me."
Friday, 15 January 2010
Floor Collapses in Weight Watchers Clinic!
A suburban Weight Watchers club suffered a disaster today, when the floor of their meeting room collapsed. No-one was hurt in the incident but investigators are combing through the debris to ascertain how the situation occurred.
A new member of the group, however, told us that she felt the irresponsibility of the Leader had caused the problem, when she turned up with boxes of home made cous cous bread pudding, containing approximately 50 points worth, for sale at the knock down price of £1 per box.
Since a 20g packet of crisps (2 pts) is normally 50p and 5 tiny coconut chocolate bars (1 point each) are £2.99 a pop, the urge to stock up with the popular and healthy comfort food at such a knock down price, resulted in a major rush to the front of the room, with diet buddies pushing and shoving each other out of the way, hoping to snag one of the bargain boxes.
The Leader was unavailable for comment, having snagged a box for herself and retreated to the bar to recover.
A new member of the group, however, told us that she felt the irresponsibility of the Leader had caused the problem, when she turned up with boxes of home made cous cous bread pudding, containing approximately 50 points worth, for sale at the knock down price of £1 per box.
Since a 20g packet of crisps (2 pts) is normally 50p and 5 tiny coconut chocolate bars (1 point each) are £2.99 a pop, the urge to stock up with the popular and healthy comfort food at such a knock down price, resulted in a major rush to the front of the room, with diet buddies pushing and shoving each other out of the way, hoping to snag one of the bargain boxes.
The Leader was unavailable for comment, having snagged a box for herself and retreated to the bar to recover.
Thursday, 14 January 2010
F1 Supremo Wants Short Cuts
Bernie Ecclestone has described Formula One stars as "scruffy" and is insisting that all drivers lining up on the grid in Bahrain, for the start of the new season, have a regulation crewcut number one.
Speaking from the annual Ferrari ski retreat, Bernie also touted the idea of having shortcuts on the race circuits, together with traffic lights, roundabouts and a crawler lane, in order to make the racing more interesting and give drivers a chance to overtake each other more often.
Excited by the prospect, he then went on the suggest a whole section dedicated to roadworks, complete with cones, but Ferrari team bosses immediately shot him down, as this would obviously favour the British drivers. They did, however, support the idea of a race on artificial snow, since, if the above changes were implemented, the cars would have to undergo re-construction to add indicators anyway; only a small tweak would be needed to add retractable skis.
Team boss Stefano Domenicali denied that a temporary garage set up on a nearby green run, had already built and was testing a working model of the roadskis, saying that of course the bright red car we'd seen take off from the ski jump wasn't a Formula One car and, no, we couldn't take pictures.
"You thinka we suggest an idea we already testing - under the nosa of the Bernie the Supremo? How on eartha coulda we possibly expecta to get away wizzat, uh?"
Speaking from the annual Ferrari ski retreat, Bernie also touted the idea of having shortcuts on the race circuits, together with traffic lights, roundabouts and a crawler lane, in order to make the racing more interesting and give drivers a chance to overtake each other more often.
Excited by the prospect, he then went on the suggest a whole section dedicated to roadworks, complete with cones, but Ferrari team bosses immediately shot him down, as this would obviously favour the British drivers. They did, however, support the idea of a race on artificial snow, since, if the above changes were implemented, the cars would have to undergo re-construction to add indicators anyway; only a small tweak would be needed to add retractable skis.
Team boss Stefano Domenicali denied that a temporary garage set up on a nearby green run, had already built and was testing a working model of the roadskis, saying that of course the bright red car we'd seen take off from the ski jump wasn't a Formula One car and, no, we couldn't take pictures.
"You thinka we suggest an idea we already testing - under the nosa of the Bernie the Supremo? How on eartha coulda we possibly expecta to get away wizzat, uh?"
Wednesday, 13 January 2010
Celebrity Big Brother to Mummify Winner
Channel 4 have failed in their bid to find a volunteer to commit their body to being mummified live on television, after their death, in a new Saturday night ratings winner, It's a Wrap.
However, in order to keep the sponsors of the proposed show happy, Channel 4 have offered them the winner of the current (and last) Celebrity Big Brother, assured in the knowledge that the contestants will all surely relish the chance of an extended run on television.
All, that is, apart from Vinnie Jones, who, upon hearing the news, muttered: "If I've gotta be immortalised, I'd rather it be wiv a plastic bust or sumfink."
To which Stephanie was heard to reply: "Oh, I rather think you'll find Ivana's already bagged that option, darling."
However, in order to keep the sponsors of the proposed show happy, Channel 4 have offered them the winner of the current (and last) Celebrity Big Brother, assured in the knowledge that the contestants will all surely relish the chance of an extended run on television.
All, that is, apart from Vinnie Jones, who, upon hearing the news, muttered: "If I've gotta be immortalised, I'd rather it be wiv a plastic bust or sumfink."
To which Stephanie was heard to reply: "Oh, I rather think you'll find Ivana's already bagged that option, darling."
Tuesday, 12 January 2010
Cowell Quits American Idol!
Pop Svengali, Simon Cowell, has announced he is to quit American Idol at the end of the current series.
Making the shock announcement during a meeting of the Television Critics Association, who Cowell was tutoring in caustic put-downs, Fox executives revealed that money was not the issue, but that Cowell wanted to do something different and was looking for a fresh challenge.
The fresh challenge will apparently be a singing talent show open to groups and individuals, where, after whittling down the thousands of acts to just twelve, a weekly live show will take place, where, following a public vote, the two acts bottom with the public will perform a sing off. Following this, one of the acts will be voted off by the judges. The final three acts will compete in a live final over two nights with the winner being decided purely by the public.
It was also revealed that Simon had privately admitted to missing ex-Idol judge Paula Abdul saying he "just can't do this any more without her" and it was highly likely she would be joining him on the judging panel for the exciting new show.
As yet, no title for the new show has been thought of.
Making the shock announcement during a meeting of the Television Critics Association, who Cowell was tutoring in caustic put-downs, Fox executives revealed that money was not the issue, but that Cowell wanted to do something different and was looking for a fresh challenge.
The fresh challenge will apparently be a singing talent show open to groups and individuals, where, after whittling down the thousands of acts to just twelve, a weekly live show will take place, where, following a public vote, the two acts bottom with the public will perform a sing off. Following this, one of the acts will be voted off by the judges. The final three acts will compete in a live final over two nights with the winner being decided purely by the public.
It was also revealed that Simon had privately admitted to missing ex-Idol judge Paula Abdul saying he "just can't do this any more without her" and it was highly likely she would be joining him on the judging panel for the exciting new show.
As yet, no title for the new show has been thought of.
Monday, 11 January 2010
Sunday, 10 January 2010
Sunday Crime Supplement: Are Footprints the New Fingerprints?
Crime Prevention agencies are reporting that the cold weather snap is having a major impact on car crime in snowbound Britain.
Similar to the Troll in every other way, the average car thief however, does differ from their close relative in one very important trait, which is seriously threatening their natural behaviour. Unlike the Troll, whose brain becomes more active and alert the colder it becomes, the car thief suffers a slowing down of the brain cells metabolism, making them even more stupid and prone to being hunted down by their natural predator, the Policeman.
The link was discovered by a police psycho-analyst, who noted the upsurge in detection rates during the recent wintry spell. On checking this theory with officers on the beat, it was indeed confirmed that the tracking of footprints leading directly from stolen or burgled cars did indeed lead directly to the perpetrator's house.
Defence lawyers for the detained criminals are refusing to represent these would-be clients for practical reasons, saying: "Really, you're banged to rights - there's no defence against stupidity!"
Similar to the Troll in every other way, the average car thief however, does differ from their close relative in one very important trait, which is seriously threatening their natural behaviour. Unlike the Troll, whose brain becomes more active and alert the colder it becomes, the car thief suffers a slowing down of the brain cells metabolism, making them even more stupid and prone to being hunted down by their natural predator, the Policeman.
The link was discovered by a police psycho-analyst, who noted the upsurge in detection rates during the recent wintry spell. On checking this theory with officers on the beat, it was indeed confirmed that the tracking of footprints leading directly from stolen or burgled cars did indeed lead directly to the perpetrator's house.
Defence lawyers for the detained criminals are refusing to represent these would-be clients for practical reasons, saying: "Really, you're banged to rights - there's no defence against stupidity!"
Saturday, 9 January 2010
Saturday Music Review: Swift "Considering Retirement"
Taylor Swift is considering retiring from the music business, after the winning of a second accolade was spoilt for her Britain's Got Talent judge Piers Morgan.
Swift edged out Morgan's protege Susan Boyle for America's Bester Seller of 2009, leading the lovestruck Morgan to waylay the young star outside her local launderette in Wyomissing, and forcibly berate her for denying Susan what was rightfully hers.
The incident follows controversy at the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards, when Kanye West interrupted Swift's acceptance speech for Best Female Video, insisting that Boyle's YouTube sensation of her BGT audition should have won.
Swift edged out Morgan's protege Susan Boyle for America's Bester Seller of 2009, leading the lovestruck Morgan to waylay the young star outside her local launderette in Wyomissing, and forcibly berate her for denying Susan what was rightfully hers.
The incident follows controversy at the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards, when Kanye West interrupted Swift's acceptance speech for Best Female Video, insisting that Boyle's YouTube sensation of her BGT audition should have won.
Friday, 8 January 2010
Special Bolero Performance in Dancing on Ice!
The new series of Dancing on Ice airs tonight, with a special performance of Torvill and Dean's legendary routine Bolero.
Gracefully sliding onto the ice will the be Ford Fiesta Formation Team, looking very fetching in the burgundy lycra, to thrill the audience with their version of the iconic ice dance. A sneak training preview is available, see below, and you can see the full performance on tonight's show at 9pm on ITV.
Many thanks to mickeydroog and wynne1975
Gracefully sliding onto the ice will the be Ford Fiesta Formation Team, looking very fetching in the burgundy lycra, to thrill the audience with their version of the iconic ice dance. A sneak training preview is available, see below, and you can see the full performance on tonight's show at 9pm on ITV.
Many thanks to mickeydroog and wynne1975
Thursday, 7 January 2010
T Pyxidis Primed to Self Destruct "Soon"
A white dwarf star in a binary star system in the constellation Pyxis, has been re-christened the Death Star, after astronomers confirmed that it was overdue an explosion that could destroy the Earth.
The star is much closer to our planet than first thought, at just 3260 light years away, and the Hubble telescope has been filming the star gearing up, with a series of smaller blasts and burps called novas, which experts say could culminate in an explosion with the force of twenty billion billion megatons of TNT, which would strip away the Earth's ozone layer that protects us from deadly space radiation.
Scientists at the American Astronomical Society in Washington are advising people to remain calm, admitting that "soon" is measured in space terms and could therefore be a long way off, i.e. ten million years time.
"So there's no need to panic," stated the vice president of the UK Society for Popular Astronomy cheerfully. "It probably won't happen in our lifetime."
This doomsday scenario was brought to you courtesy of the Villanova University in Philadelphia.
The star is much closer to our planet than first thought, at just 3260 light years away, and the Hubble telescope has been filming the star gearing up, with a series of smaller blasts and burps called novas, which experts say could culminate in an explosion with the force of twenty billion billion megatons of TNT, which would strip away the Earth's ozone layer that protects us from deadly space radiation.
Scientists at the American Astronomical Society in Washington are advising people to remain calm, admitting that "soon" is measured in space terms and could therefore be a long way off, i.e. ten million years time.
"So there's no need to panic," stated the vice president of the UK Society for Popular Astronomy cheerfully. "It probably won't happen in our lifetime."
This doomsday scenario was brought to you courtesy of the Villanova University in Philadelphia.
Wednesday, 6 January 2010
Coyle to be Unveiled as Bolton Manager
Girl's Aloud singer, Nadine Coyle, is set to be announced as the new boss of one of the Premiership's leading teams, Bolton Wanderers.
Ms Coyle, who has been running a successful pub team, The Irish Mist Artists, in the Major Soccer League in the US, has been tempted back to the UK by the promise of snowed off games, local derbies with Blackburn and Wigan (as opposed to LA Galaxy) and some decent pies.
Cementing a long established partnership, Louis Walsh has been revealed as the majority shareholder in the club, and was said to have been instrumental in bringing Nadine to the Reebok, following his bringing her to Pop Stars: The Rivals and thus ensuring her big break in the superstar band, alongside Cherly Cole and the other ones.
Ms Coyle, who has been running a successful pub team, The Irish Mist Artists, in the Major Soccer League in the US, has been tempted back to the UK by the promise of snowed off games, local derbies with Blackburn and Wigan (as opposed to LA Galaxy) and some decent pies.
Cementing a long established partnership, Louis Walsh has been revealed as the majority shareholder in the club, and was said to have been instrumental in bringing Nadine to the Reebok, following his bringing her to Pop Stars: The Rivals and thus ensuring her big break in the superstar band, alongside Cherly Cole and the other ones.
Tuesday, 5 January 2010
Hurdler Removes Breast Implants Over Health Fears
Oculists at Moorfields Eye Hospital in London had expressed concern when Australian world champion hurdler, Jana Rawlinson, had her breasts enlarged and have spoken of their relief that she has now had the implants removed.
Rawlinson was a regular visitor to their day care unit whenever in town, for laser correction surgery to remove particles of race vest from her corneas, due to the constant bounce of her breasts connecting forcibly with her eyes during racing and training.
Partner, ex-husband Chris Rawlinson, said the couple now plan to remarry, safe in the knowledge that the bride won't be sporting a couple of black eyes in their wedding photos.
Rawlinson was a regular visitor to their day care unit whenever in town, for laser correction surgery to remove particles of race vest from her corneas, due to the constant bounce of her breasts connecting forcibly with her eyes during racing and training.
Partner, ex-husband Chris Rawlinson, said the couple now plan to remarry, safe in the knowledge that the bride won't be sporting a couple of black eyes in their wedding photos.
Monday, 4 January 2010
Celebrity Big Brother Exclusive!
In a major twist to the format, the first task faced by the celebrities will be to guess which one of them is actually a true A-list celebrity in disguise, however - they have to first identify the celebrity in question before they unmask their housemate.
With the rumours having included such luminaries as Pamela Anderson, Boy George and David Tennant, the betting on the A-List celebrity being David Tennant has been suspended. The popular actor has just finished his stint as Dr.Who and was ripe for a fresh challenge, or, as a source close to the star said: "He's been on everything else in the last month and he wanted a full set."
An insider on the show confided exclusively to us that various items have been hidden in plain sight around the house, giving a clue as to the identity of the mystery star. These include: a blue handled multi-function screwdriver in the tool box; six month's supply of condoms in the bathroom cabinet; a plastic skull containing bath foam; a long brown coat hanging on the hook by the back door; a pair of converse trainers in the understairs cupboard; a grey and black school tie carelessly hung on the banister. The insider continued: "Since they struggled to identify each other in full view, it's going to make for an interesting challenge."
Betting on the identity of the housemate who actually is the major star in disguise is rampant, with Heidi Fleiss the early favourite to discard what most believe to be a plastic mask. The housemates who correctly guess both identities will be safe from eviction; if no-ones guesses at all then the A-lister will be safe; should everyone guess correctly, the A-Lister will be immediately evicted, as just reward for the hard sleuthing of the less famous celebrities, who really won't stand a chance of winning otherwise. Except for Stephanie Beacham, whom we adore.
With the rumours having included such luminaries as Pamela Anderson, Boy George and David Tennant, the betting on the A-List celebrity being David Tennant has been suspended. The popular actor has just finished his stint as Dr.Who and was ripe for a fresh challenge, or, as a source close to the star said: "He's been on everything else in the last month and he wanted a full set."
An insider on the show confided exclusively to us that various items have been hidden in plain sight around the house, giving a clue as to the identity of the mystery star. These include: a blue handled multi-function screwdriver in the tool box; six month's supply of condoms in the bathroom cabinet; a plastic skull containing bath foam; a long brown coat hanging on the hook by the back door; a pair of converse trainers in the understairs cupboard; a grey and black school tie carelessly hung on the banister. The insider continued: "Since they struggled to identify each other in full view, it's going to make for an interesting challenge."
Betting on the identity of the housemate who actually is the major star in disguise is rampant, with Heidi Fleiss the early favourite to discard what most believe to be a plastic mask. The housemates who correctly guess both identities will be safe from eviction; if no-ones guesses at all then the A-lister will be safe; should everyone guess correctly, the A-Lister will be immediately evicted, as just reward for the hard sleuthing of the less famous celebrities, who really won't stand a chance of winning otherwise. Except for Stephanie Beacham, whom we adore.
Sunday, 3 January 2010
Sunday Sport Supplement: Ferguson Blames Beckford
Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson was left furious today, when, even after the regulatory fifteen minutes of extra time, his team were sent crashing out of the FA Cup.
The outspoken boss of the world's most expensive team laid the blame fairly and squarely at the feet of budget Leeds United player Jermaine Beckford. "I cannae believe it was allowed - a goal - against us! In the f*****g FA Cup. The referee is an absolute digrace. The player is a total Thierry Henry."
Beckford, voted Man of The Match by the pundits, was bemused by the accusation, until a team-mate gently pointed out to him that it was his foot that had prodded the ball passed the Man. Utd keeper for the winning goal.
"Oh, righto," stated Jermaine, to the amazement of the assembled hacks, "I was rather wondering what I'd done to offend Sir Alex *doffs cap* ha ha. However, by virtue of my playing position, ie. up front in what is known as the 'forward position' I was fortunate enough to be in the right place at the right time to effect a demoralising defeat that I know he may never recover from. Sorry, Sir Alex. Not."
Sir Alex Ferguson is 92.
The outspoken boss of the world's most expensive team laid the blame fairly and squarely at the feet of budget Leeds United player Jermaine Beckford. "I cannae believe it was allowed - a goal - against us! In the f*****g FA Cup. The referee is an absolute digrace. The player is a total Thierry Henry."
Beckford, voted Man of The Match by the pundits, was bemused by the accusation, until a team-mate gently pointed out to him that it was his foot that had prodded the ball passed the Man. Utd keeper for the winning goal.
"Oh, righto," stated Jermaine, to the amazement of the assembled hacks, "I was rather wondering what I'd done to offend Sir Alex *doffs cap* ha ha. However, by virtue of my playing position, ie. up front in what is known as the 'forward position' I was fortunate enough to be in the right place at the right time to effect a demoralising defeat that I know he may never recover from. Sorry, Sir Alex. Not."
Sir Alex Ferguson is 92.
Saturday, 2 January 2010
Saturday TV Review: The Big Fat Quiz 2009
The quiz, quite frankly, was completely overshadowed by the blatant bullying of host Jimmy Carr by contestant, serial Welshman, Rob Brydon, which culminated in Brydon revealing that Carr is the long lost son of late ex-premier, Edward Heath.
As an alternative comedian, Jimmy has naturally fought against revealing his heritage to his peers and was close to tears as Brydon's relentless onslaught regarding his distinctive family trait - the seal-on-heat laugh - had everyone in the studio in fits of laughter, unaware of the pain Jimmy was feeling. Having cultivated the laugh in front of the Mike Yarwood show in his formative years, Jimmy was clearly unnerved as Brydon pressed on with the humiliation. Ofcom are said to be investigating, following the complaint that flooded in.
Also on the show, it became apparent that both David Mitchell and Charlie Brooker are gagging to take part in Strictly Come Dancing, although both strongly denied this - they doth protest too much. Flavia Cacace is already thrilled at the prospect of teaching David some moves, figuring that a popular comedian will have a great shot at a long stay in the competition. She confided privately to our dance expert, Angela Rippemoff, that she relishes the opportunity, viewing the Peep Show star as a completley blank canvas where dance is concerned, since he's never danced a step in his life, nor indeed, listened to any form of dance music. Flavia is confident that she can find inspiration from David's favourite singers, Susan Boyle and Phil Collins, to make him as comfortable in the ballroom as possible. With Claudia Winkelman on hand, we wouldn't be at all surprised if the deal wasn't signed and sealed in the green room after the show!
As an alternative comedian, Jimmy has naturally fought against revealing his heritage to his peers and was close to tears as Brydon's relentless onslaught regarding his distinctive family trait - the seal-on-heat laugh - had everyone in the studio in fits of laughter, unaware of the pain Jimmy was feeling. Having cultivated the laugh in front of the Mike Yarwood show in his formative years, Jimmy was clearly unnerved as Brydon pressed on with the humiliation. Ofcom are said to be investigating, following the complaint that flooded in.
Also on the show, it became apparent that both David Mitchell and Charlie Brooker are gagging to take part in Strictly Come Dancing, although both strongly denied this - they doth protest too much. Flavia Cacace is already thrilled at the prospect of teaching David some moves, figuring that a popular comedian will have a great shot at a long stay in the competition. She confided privately to our dance expert, Angela Rippemoff, that she relishes the opportunity, viewing the Peep Show star as a completley blank canvas where dance is concerned, since he's never danced a step in his life, nor indeed, listened to any form of dance music. Flavia is confident that she can find inspiration from David's favourite singers, Susan Boyle and Phil Collins, to make him as comfortable in the ballroom as possible. With Claudia Winkelman on hand, we wouldn't be at all surprised if the deal wasn't signed and sealed in the green room after the show!
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