Sunday Science Supplement: Promiscuous females "help species"

Scientists at Liverpool and Exeter Universities have criticised the criticism of single mothers with various children by different dads, in a study published in respected industry magazine, Biology Today.

Following a nine generation experiment, they have discovered that blood lines can become extinct if the mothers conceive only with one male and that females with more than one partner have less chance of producing female only broods, a major factor in the male of the species dying out and a species therefore becoming extinct.

An all-female brood can happen when all the 'male' Y chromosome sperm are killed before fertilisation, because of a sex-ratio distortion (SR) chromosome, with scientists concerned that all-female broods will pass the chromosome on to their sons, which would in turn lead to the doomsday scenario above.

Feminist commentators have been torn in two with the findings, with some proclaiming that monogamy should be made law in order to effect this outcome, ie. dispensing with men altogether, with others obliged to point out that it would ultimately lead to the extinction of women too, with environmentalists pitching in to say that as far as the Earth was concerned, that wouldn't be a bad thing. Clerics were vociferous in their condemnation of the scientists condoning the promiscuous behaviour of young women and attacking the sanctity of marriage.

The scientists at Liverpool and University are now regretting publishing their findings, fearing they've opened up a whole new can of worms, although they did find support for their thesis from the Professional Footballers Association.

Saturday Review: New Family Saloon Auto Game Most Expensive Yet

Sega's next attempt at dominating the video games markets should hit the stands later in the year.

Costing approximately $150million dollars to make and being the first company to take on board the recommendations by child protection agencies, New Family Saloon Auto has groundbreaking visual technology to match the incredible storylines and fantastic soundtrack, which in itself is responsible for a huge portion of the price tag.

Among the nail-biting missions on offer: Supermarket Special - Day Trip to Bognor - All Aboard for Chessington and the most terrifying and dangerous of all - School Run.

And all to a thumping soundtrack comprising the cream of family favourites: Mr Blobby, Bob the Builder, The Tweenies and for mum and dad, some Perry Como.

Midsomer Murders in Porno Shock

ITV are under fire tonight, for allowing the screening of an episode of crime drama Midsomer Murders which featured nudity and sex scenes at 4pm in the afternoon.

When yet another resident was found murdered, this time face down in a fish tank in the local pet shop, DCI Barnaby and DS Jones were seen discussing the case behind the rabbit cage - where two of the flopsy bunnies were going at it like ... like, well, rabbits *ahem*

A spokesman for the show said: "We thought it was hilarious, we were hoping Harry Hill would use it on TV Burp, but very disappointingly, he didn't."

However, irrespective of the criticism, touching and intimate farewell scenes featuring Barnaby and Jones lathering each other in a hot tub will still be screened, with the director saying they are essential to show the depth of their relationship, and setting the scene for strong bonds to be developed between Jones and the new Barnaby, as he joins them in the suds with a bottle of champagne and three flutes.

Turkey Officers in Coop Charges

Bernard Matthews farmhands were left shocked and bewildered tonight, after turkey containment officers descended on their farm with tape measures and advised them that their coops were too small.

Having laboured long and hard to erect four new coops, the farmhands were taking a well deserved lunch break in the local pub, when an urgent message was sent via the neighbourhood telegraph, old Mrs Winton and her trusty mobile shopping bag.

Sighing wearily and wishing Bernard would just use a telephone like everyone else, the farmhands returned to the farm, where they faced charges of endangering the welfare of the free range turkeys being housed there ready for next Christmas.

Dancing on Ice Judge Jason Gardiner Witnesses Miracle!

Dancing on Ice judge, Jason Gardiner, returned from his pilgrimage to Nottingham Ice Rink today, stating: " I witnessed a miracle!"

The controversial but cuddly judge had set off on Sunday night after his beliefs were called into question, dragging himself all the way to Nottingham to worship at the shrine he'd created - ice statues of his idols, St. Christopher and St. Jayne.

It was there that he found a puppy, barely alive, and laid the poor mite's body on the outstretched hands of the frozen in time 1984 Olympic champions. "And within seconds, literally, seconds, " a breathless, wide eyed with excitement Jason told us," the puppy bounded back to life and - he cried, he literally cried. It was the most amazing scene I've ever witnessed!"

A happy ending for the puppy, christened Jaynopher, seemed on the cards, until he cocked his leg against the statues. Screaming "BLASPHEMER" Jason kicked the puppy the length of the ice rink and fell to his knees frantically sponging the yellow stained ice with his claret and green spotted cravat.

However, it wasn't the puppy wee that proved to be his biggest problem - due to his fanatical reverence, the amount of candles Jason had placed around the statues were beginning to have an effect; were it not for Jason's quick thinking in knocking them all away with one elegant camel jump, his shrine would be all but a puddle.

A friend close to the owner of the ice rink stated: "I had no idea he was so athletic and supple" to which the puppy replied: "Of course he's supple - how else could he get his head that far up his own arse?"

Holly Willoughby's dress was designed by Phil Neville.

Sunday Supplement: Cheryl and Derek "Not an item"

Despite spending time together watching the romantic film for our times, Valentines Day, on Valentines Day and following that with a cosy meal together at Maccy D's, friends have denied there is any basis for a relationship between the beautiful Cheryl Cole and the equally beautiful American dancer, Derek Hough, two years her junior.

And despite them being seen leaving Maccy D's licking their perfectly pouted lips, friends insist that there was no more to the relationship that a mutual love of Fillet o' Fish.

A spokeswoman for the couple also said that, despite Cheryl having spent a long, intimate weekend with the Hough family, where she routinely duetted with Derek's talented sister Julianne and recorded a country and western song with the Ballas Hough band, whilst learning some intricate line dances, this was a purely professional relationship with the gorgeous, hunky, talented young American and that ugly, cheating, miserable sod Ashley, really had nothing to worry about in the slightest.

Close family also insisted that despite being seen leaving a maternity hospital, clutching a foetal negative and clucking like a pair of mother hens, Cheryl and Derek were really just good friends, a fact only cemented further when Julianne was seen trying on hats in designer stores down Rodeo Drive just two days later.

Saturday Review: Fergie planning rock record with Slash

The Duchess of York is setting out to record her dream album, with veteran Guns'n'Roses guitarist Slash.

Following the success of her first album, imaginatively titled 'The Duchess', the ex-wife of Prince Andrew, now colloquially known as Fergie, has rejected a return to folk band The New Seekers, who are said to be reforming this summer, in favour of becoming a rock chick, something she's always dreamed of being.

A close friend confided: "She always felt stifled before, always conscious of her position in society but now she feels the time has come and she must take her chance before it passes her by."

Fergie has been taking expert advice from both Cher and Bonnie Tyler in the art of being a rock goddesss and, following his sterling performance on PopStar to OperaStar, is hoping to hook up with Meat Loaf before the year is out.

Love Triangle Tears Apart Local Town

British world champion squash player Rick O'Shea is at the heart of a tormented love triangle in his home town of Brayley Glen, when it was revealed that he cannot decide with whom his heart lies and keeps bouncing backwards and forwards between local garage owner, Jerry Cann and University biologist, Sarah Tonin.

Lovelorn Jerry has hired himself one of his own private limos and is hoping to jump start the relationship with a slap up meal on route to the world championships in Finland.

Sarah, meanwhile, is said to be working overtime on an irresistible pheromone concoction to entice Rick back to her side.

His coach and close friend for many years, Jock Strapp, said it's playing havoc with Rick plans to defend his world title, as he simply doesn't know if he's coming or going.

Mandelson Shock to Labour Party

The Labour Part were in shock tonight, following a startling confession from Lord Peter Mandelson, who revealed:

"I was abducted by Aliens and taken to Uranus!"

An insider close to the cabinet said: "It would explain a lot."

Photo courtesy of PolicyNetwork’s flickr photostream

Hollywood Star Hathaway's Second Job Shock!

Anne Hathaway has revealed how some Hollywood stars have had to take second jobs to make ends meet during the recession.

Unlike during the writers strike, when stars were able to put themselves up for adoption to receive the support they needed, the recession has seen few families coming forward to adopt this time round, with the result that skills picked up during their most recent films have had to be put to good use by the actors.

Anna Hathaway's customer service skills, learned from her character in hit ensemble film Valentine's Day, came in extremely handy when she was taken on by Citizen's Bank, as a telephony operator for the six month period after shooting the film ended.

Speaking about her ordeal, the dark haired beauty said:" You wouldn't believe some of the stuff people said to me - there was this one man, he actually asked me "Do you honestly expect me to keep a note of how much I pay in and how much I pay out?" when he was moaning about how much we'd charged him for repeatedly going overdrawn!" And I was like, well, yes. What a moron! Unfortunately I said that out loud and that's when they let me go."

Sunday Supplement: Come Dine With Me Faking Exposed

Celebrity Chefs in Channel 4's dining reality show were left highly embarrassed when it was revealed that the food they present as their own is actually cooked by child labourers in China and imported specially for the show, where it's served up in special sets rather than the celebrities own homes.

A show insider was quick to point out that it's an obvious flaw in the show: " I can't understand why people are so surpised; clearly, if you're a celebrity, you're hardly going to spend your time actually cooking, are you? I mean, this isn't the BBC - John and Greg would never accept it in Masterchef, but this is Channel Four, for goodness sake."

We were equally quick to point out that it was actually the premise of the entire show so ....

"Oh, please - the celebs are only going on it for exposure, it's not like they're going to go home and carry on cooking is it. Honestly, most of them don't know a ladle from a set of tongs. You people are so naive."

Saturday TV Review: Robbie Thinks He Can Dance!

Pop superstar, Robbie Williams, will again attempt to perform on a major UK reality show this evening, when he takes to the stage in place of injured finalist Robbie White.

Initially a misunderstanding, Robbie now won't let producers trim back his appearance on the show and is insisting on partnering both Lizzie and Charlie in one of their dances. A show insider said: "He just won't take no for an answer; we were only joking when we said 'Robbie W can't make it, let's put the other Robbie W in his place and see if anyone notices.'"

Close friends of the star were said to be concerned that Robbie might be taking on too much, bearing in mind the issues he previously experienced on the X-Factor, Strictly Come Dancing, I'm a Celebrity and Celebrity Big Brother.

Suffering the indiginity of being stuck in a lift, missing his cue and walking into a broom cupboard blighted the ex-Take That singer's guest appearances on those shows, and to this day he hasn't spoken of the day in the Australian jungle where he failed to appear, when his rucksack got caught in a tree branch, leaving him struggling to avoid an anthill for a heart stopping forty five seconds.

Plans for an apearance on Dancing on Ice have been abandoned. As Robbie's publicist acknowledged, Robbie and ice don't mix - unless it's at the bottom of a glass!

Judge Emma's Torture In Shared Dressing Room

Former Strictly Come Dancing contestant turned Dancing on Ice judge Emma Bunton - rumours that she's replacing Davina in Got To Dance next year and choreographing the Pop Jazz numbers in the US version of So You Think You Can Dance have not yet been denied - has finally moved into her own dressing room after weeks of torture at the hands of fellow judge, Jason Gardiner.

A close friend told us: "It was a nightmare for Emma - she daren't leave any lippy lying around - and as for that seat belt effort Jason was wearing the other week - that was supposed to go round Emma's waist! Wardrobe left it with Jason for safe keeping, next thing you know, it's over his shoulder!"

And it wasn't just her clothes and make up disappearing that Emma was concerned with - her ceramic hair straighteners also went walkabout for two weeks. "She just can't bring herself to use them now," said the friend "because she just doesn't know what he used them on!"

Daily Scatter Editor in "Proper" Editorial Job Shock!

Yes, it's true - which is why I've taken a few liberties with the definition of 'daily' lately, for which I apologise!

Having served my apprenticeship on The Daily Scatter for the past 18 months or so, I've been lucky enough to land the job of 'Community Publisher' for the Rochester Local People site - please visit me here, see if I can't tempt you to visit the place itself!

We've just gone live today, having spent the last week populating the site and I'm hopeful that normal service will resume here within a few days, I'm already getting withdrawal symptons!

Thanks for reading and for your comments - it's always encouraged me and kept me going - I will see you soon.

Jaye

Saturday News Review: Delayed Doherty Hit by Bagels

When delays hit your weekend plans, it's usually of the kind associated with leaves on the line or the wrong kind of snow, logistical and timing issues we Brits are so used to.

But for Babyshambles star Pete Doherty, being somewhat different, it was the raging battle between New York Bagels and Morrison's own brand that proved so costly during his weekly shop.

With the own brand staging a demonstration against the New York Bagels, who refused to yield their space on the shelf in the bakery section, Doherty was forced to abandon his basket containing sugar, salt, talc, coke, self-raising flour and a copy of Take A Break, whom it's believed is offfering £150 for his true life story, after a dozen bagels pushed him aside in an effort to join the battle, leaving him badly shaken.

"Taking Pete shopping was all part of his ongoing rehabilitation process," stated a close friend, sadly. "I fear this little episode will set him back months."

"Blade" Found in Baby's Shoe!

The parents of a four day old baby were shocked to discover actor Wesley Snipes hiding in one of their son's new shoes, when they dressed him after a day out in the Medway Towns.

Questions were immediately being raised at the Primani outlet in Chatham's High Street, as to how the Hollywood star, wearing thick black leather and carrying a four foot iron sword, could have managed to hide inside the tiny shoe box and make it home with the young family.

The baby boy was said to be doing well, although was rejecting his milk and preferring to bite his mother, who said: "I just thought he'd started teething a bit early."

"Has Attenborough Retired Yet?"

Sammy the Seal proves clerics point that evolution is a bad thing.

Co-operative Targets M&S Food

Following the unveiling of the Co-op's new brand of Ambient Sausage Rolls, which are being snapped up at twice the price of their normal sausage rolls, the Co-op have brought forward plans to roll out a whole host of super foods to compete with the upper echelons of food retailers.

Atmospheric Bean Sprouts, Jaunty Spaghetti, Creative Cauliflowers and Cosmic Peaches are set to join the Ambient Sausages Rolls in expensive packaging covered with pretty pictures, in an effort to part hard-working families with more cash, in the belief that the foods - which are all made and pakaged in exactly the same place as the budget brand - will taste better and be healthier, just because the advert says so.

"We're exceedingly pleased with the early results," said a spokesman for the Co-op. "The new sausage rolls have captured the imagination of shoppers, leaving them feeling happier and healthier at this dreary time of year."