Sunday Environment Supplement: When the dust finally settles ...

Heather Mills has admitted that the "ash" cloud hanging over Europe is really vegan almond powder that escaped from her suitcase at a recent airport check in.

The subsequent conspiracy to blame an innocent volcano in Iceland has shocked the former ex-model ex-wife of Sir Paul McCartney, who did go on to say she understood the cover up, since no-one can sue a volcano.

Air lines seeking compensation are being accused of idiocy, since it was an airline worker who made Ms Mills open her case in the first place, ignoring the dire warnings uttered by the ex-Dancing On Ice contestant.

The almond powder grounded flights across Europe, as the ensuing dust cloud permeated the outer layers of the atmosphere and turned localised acid rain into tiny maccaroons.

Saturday Film Review: Atora! Atora! Atora!

Way back in the reaches of time, the 17th Century to be exact, a war was waging in the kitchens of England over the newly found beneficial properties of suet, with the Roundeheads and the Cavaliers going head to head in the famous battle colloquially known as Not Just Dumplings.

Concerned that the Royal household would corrupt the population with their Fish Pinwheels, Winter Stollen and other outlandish recipes, Cromwell lead his troops in a raid on the Palace of Westminster, determined to stamp out these dangerous practices and restore the one true suet dish, the humble dumpling, to the dining tables of England.

The Cavaliers hit back, flooding the market with Savoury Eccles Cakes, but Cromwell's savvy understanding of the English people helped him deliver a knockout blow, as he instructed his chefs to issue free Raspberry Roly Poly across the land, sealing a decisive victory for the Roundheads.

Cheryl Cole's Friend to Star in Strictly

Jimmy Five Bellies, formerly a close friend of Paul Gasgoigne, is set to join the cast of Strictly Come Dancing.

Now renamed Jimmy Six Pack, the Geordie lad, left, credits his new found body to meeting Cheryl at a dinner and dance for England players past and present. A mutual interest in dance quickly became apparent, as they hit the floor after dessert, Cheryl with her fancy footwork and Jimmy with his head, after his customary twenty pints and eight chasers.

Introduced to Dancing With the Stars Derek Hough, Jimmy, who rarely drinks anything other than water now, lost ten stones in three months of intensive dance training, which saw him win all the necessary medals and honours to turn professional.

Jimmy and Derek will replace Anton Du Beke and Brendan Cole for the next season of the BBC flagship show.

New Favourite Emerges for The One Show

Following news that Adrian Chiles is defecting to ITV to take up lodgings on the GMTV sofa, Richard Hammond, Matthew Wright and Chris Hollins were left devastated today when Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg said he would be interested in the position left vacant on The One Show.

Although now level with the Conservatives in the polls, Clegg's agent feels that his good performance on the recent live leaders debate and his new found popularity with the people of Britain puts him right at the top of the BBC's most wanted list.

His re-location to the One Show sofa would be seen as quite a coup by BBC bosses, while co-host Christine Bleakley has given her blessing.

However, a source close to the ITV bosses have said that an insider working at Television Centre, reportedly told a canteen assistant that BBC bosses have also approached outgoing GMTV host Ben Shephard, who resigned on hearing the news of Chiles appointment, fearing his mantle of resident hunk was under threat.

But a straight swap between the two companies was branded by industry experts as "ridiculous" and "that would indicate some level of adults working together" and "that's never going to happen." Adding: "They can't even avoid clashing their main Saturday night shows, what chance the midweek ones that barely anyone watches?"

Port Lympne Tabby Cats Escape "Nothing to Worry About"

A park ranger on behalf of Kent wildlife park Port Lympne, has dismissed reports that dangerous wildcats have escaped from the reserve overnight.

Our wildlife expert, Phil Oddboddie, was despached today to check out reports that neighbouring villages had been terrorised by big cats on the prowl during the early hours of this morning.

Big cat keeper, Sylvester Felid, who stands 6ft 11ins in his paisley ankles socks, tried to reassure Phil.

"They're tabby cats, you see, just baby tabby cats - "

"Called Razor, Slasher and Stripes?"

"No, no, that was just my little joke. Really, they're just babies, only two thirds the size of a normal to largish sized tabby."

"How large?"

"Oh, you know - about this big - "

"That's pretty big for tabby cats."

"Not at all - comfortable life now you see, it's like humans average height has increased over the years, cats are no different."

"So why the shotgun?"

"What? This old thing? Oh, that's just for show, you know, the punters like to see a game keeper with a gun, makes them think they're really out in the wilds of Kenya."

"These "tabby" kittens then, what exactly do they look like."

"Oh, typical tabby, you know - orange and black stripes."

Sunday Sport Supplement: Jenson's Success "It's all down to Jelly Babies!"

Jenson Button has dedicated his latest, his 'best', Formula One victory to Bassett's Jelly Babies.

The British driver confirmed that he ate a whole packet for breakfast before his amazing victory at the Australian GP, but missed the soft and fruity gelatin sweeties before the Malaysian event - which he subsequently didn't win!

So this weekend, in a mercy dash across fifteen continents by road, rail, sea and mountain goat, McLaren staff, working in relay teams and sometimes in tandem, ensured a fresh bag was delivered to Jenson in China, where they worked their magic to ensure another stunning victory.

Team mate Lewis Hamilton exclusively revealed it's not just in the eating of the jelly babies - the order in which they're consummed is strictly adhered to, with all the available data having been fed into the supercomputer at McLaren HQ, in Woking, to work out the optimum order.

Each Bassett's Jelly Baby has an individual name, shape, colour and flavour and Jenson's favoured strategy is always to leave Boofuls till last - Boofuls being the lime flavoured green one (green for GO!) Brilliant (red - strawberry) is first in line, closely followed by Bubbles (yellow - lemon), Baby Bonny (pink - raspberry), Bigheart (purple - blackcurrant) and Bumper (orange - orange).

Boss Martin Whitmarsh said: "We learned from the errors we made in Malaysia and made sure we got it right this time. We're testing the impact now of the sherbet dipdabs favoured by Lewis, which seem to give him the speed he needs during the race, although leaving him a little over excited and we hope that further testing will result in a calmer, more assured result without any loss of acceleration."

Gorilla Gardeners Spruce up London

Charles Darwin’s theories have long been respected and it seems that evolution is still going strong, as gorillas, chimpanzees and orang utangs are leaving agricultural college in record numbers.

With cash strapped London councils desperate to make savings, the primates are being employed as landscape gardeners, happy to be paid in bananas and nuts.

A spokesman for Richmond Upon Thames said: “It isn’t just that they don’t need payment by cash, they’re saving us a fortune in fuel for lawn mowers too, since they just graze their way along the verges. The only problem is, we’ve had to also employ an army of dung beetles to follow them around and their rates are bloody extortionate.”

Sunday Supplement: New Blu-Ray TV Gives Viewer Choice

Alternate endings to movies have been around for some time but Blu-Ray have gone one step further now, in letting the individual viewer choose what that alternate ending might be.

With the newly found self censorship guidlelines adopted by Blu-Ray, some viewers might be disturbed by the alternate endings on offer, although a spokesperson from their press office said there were enough options to satisfy even the most critical of film watchers.

Take perennial favourite Star Wars, for example. With the new technology available, George Lucas' classic can be completely turned around. However, initial results have yielded complaints from enthusiasts that the obvious change ie, the Empire winning, has not been included.

Instead, the options mainly concern smaller issues - Darth can be made to miss Luke's hand and they can sit down and have a propler father to son chat, instead of Darth blurting insensitively about being his father; Jabba's singer can soothe the Bantha so he doesn't eat her and even Jabba himself can be spared by Leia, as he repents his evil ways and opens a karaoke bar in his palace.

In fact, it appears that the editor of the alternate endings has decided to only include happy and non-gory endings in films that were sad and/or violent and this is causing unrest amongst consumers, who say they've not been sold the technology they were expecting.

However, George Lucas is said to be delighted with the other options on the Blu-Ray TV, particularly the ability to change the colours; his original screenplay had Darth Vader in fuschia pink but colleagues talked him out of it.

"He's like a little boy again" said a member of his ranch staff "hasn't let anyone near the remote control since they had the TV installed."

Saturday Review: Dancing With the Stars Producer Insists Pammy Wears "Bra and Pasties".

Pamela Anderson, the busty ex-Baywatch babe taking part in America's Dancing With The Stars, is said to be "livid" with the show's producer, for insisting that she dances in clothing made entirely of pasties.

It it not understood at this stage if the items in question have to be of any particular make, but Cornwall are said to be gearing up for a major order, the like of which they haven't seen since the days of the tin miners. The large pastry casing that protected their food from the muckiness of the mine was disgarded to appease the mine spirits, known, fittingly, as the 'Knockers' and it appears the American producers see the ancient tradition as a way forward in the tricky situation of Pammy wishing to go commando.

At the time of going to press, the Dancing With The Stars wardrobe mistress was frantically sourcing recipe books, with reports that she was slightly concerned at the functionality of chopped swede replacing sequins and the sway factor of sliced onions as fringing. However, advisers from Ginsters were working closely with her for an effective and tasty solution.

General Election: Parliament Unable to Be Dissolved

With everyone excited at the General Election being called for May the 6th, the Prime Minister was disappointed to call at Buckingham Palace this morning, only to find the Queen out.

Without the Queen dissolving Parliament, local party activists are now in disarray over the impact this may have on the election date, and are pondering the notion that they may now have to recall all press releases for re-printing.

Quizzed as to how this oversight could have occurred, a Downing Street spokesman huffily referred us to a Buckingham Palace spokesman, who stated:

"Look, nobody bothers to tell the Queen in advance this is going to happen - the PM just gaily announces it the night before and then expects her to wait in for him. Quite rightly, she decided he can wait for her for a change and carried on with her usual Tuesday morning tennis lesson with Virginia Wade. She's getting really rather good you know!"

Good Friday Film Review: Nanny McPhee and the Big Bang Theory

Emma Thompson is once more transformed into the Nanny with the answers to life, the Universe and everything, as she teaches five warring country cousins (whose ages add up to 42) the story of Planet Earth's humble beginnings.

With the universe expanding from the extremely hot and dense state that is the location of the childrens' farm, Nanny explains that the world recession is due in part the chaotic inflation caused by the quantum thermal fluctuations, although Heisenberg's uncertainty principles would suggest that the flatness problem belied the spatial curvature and that's why she had to have a flying motorcyle, instead of an umbrella like Mary Poppins.

With her revelation that pigs are the oldest creature in the Universe, surviving when the comet wiped out the dinosaurs, the children all realized that being spoilt little brats was preventing them from embracing the endless possibilities of cosmological observations and that they really could believe pigs can fly if they put their minds to it.

Part of the film's charm, and what makes it work so well, was the accidental casting of Professor Brian Cox instead of the actor Brian Cox, which resulted in various re-workings of the script, but nevertheless gave authority to the otherwise simplistic nature of the narrative.