The Scatter

Headless Acrobat Haunts Castle!

2012-01-18T14:50:00.003Z

Entire Country Loses Day!

2011-12-30T18:25:00.001Z

Samoa woke up this morning to discover that Friday had simply disappeared!

Inhabitants of the tiny island near New Zealand took to thestreets in fear, as it became apparent it wasn’t just the local alcoholicswho’d woken up with a banging head ache asking where they were: the most soberSamoan was, in fact, asking when theywere?

The country’s beleaguered Prime Minister Chronos stated:“I’m sure I had it yesterday – I only put it down for a second and when I wentback for it, someone had moved it.”

Secretary of State for Culture, Cllr. Heuristic was initiallyfurious – with Samoa once proudly boasting that it was the last place on theearth to see the sunset, the loss of the day had put them ahead of islandrivals American Samoa and all the new 2012 merchandise would now go to waste.However, upon reflection, she stated: “That’s unless we can offload it on American Samoa of course – and let’sface it, they only need a nice bright red marker pen to add “American” in frontof the “Samoa” part – they’re not that fussy to be honest.”

Prime Minister Chronos was still perplexed mid morning, but quickto reassure his citizens, saying: “I know I had it when I went upstairs to getmy glasses. I’ve retraced my steps and found my glasses, which I put down whenI answered the phone - because my secretary was checking under all the beds - butthe day just seems to have vanished into thin air. I’m sure it’ll turn up soon.”

Exclusive! Tedward Breaks Silence Over Jungle Death Threats

2011-11-24T14:35:00.003Z

Beleagured Teddy Bear, Tedward, lifelong companion of actress and model Lorraine Chase, has finally spoken out about the threats and abuse he's received during his stay in ITV1's I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here jungle.

The 60 year old Steiff/Michtom cross, who has since been offered the starring role in a remake of the classic 2006 film, The Teddy Bear Master, had remained silent on the running battles with fellow celebrity, Pat Sharp, which resulted in Sharp being beheaded and burned at a stake over the camp fire. However, following reports that Australian Police had demanded Tedward be handed over immediately for questioning, Lorraine insisted that Tedward give his side of the story to show that he wasn't a conniving, nasty flea-ridden scumbag.

Tedward was smuggled out of camp and spoke to our nature expert, Phil Oddboddie, at a secret location.

"Look, you got no idea what that git put me through! I had to sit through 24 hours of "the 80s this" and "the 80s that" and then he started singing that bloody god-awful song and urging us all to join in. On the fifteenth chorus I just snapped! And I weren't the only one neither - Antony was practically slitting his wrists - which fair enough, he's threatening that most days anyways - and Fatima was demanding to know, "Chant what, exactly" and just wouldn't let it drop, she kept on with "You keep telling us to chant but you're not telling us what to chant! If you're going to demand we do something you have to justify it. We always did that in the Olympics, we didn't ask the fans to chant just anything, they had to be specific about who and what they were chanting for and so should you" - anyways, so then Ant'n'Dec called the police and snitched on me, saying I was the trouble maker and getting far too much attention - specially when I started trending on Twitter, that really wound 'em up; they've never trended on Twitter. So no, I don't regret what I did; it's about time the world got real about teddy bears - we're sick of this "oh, aren't they cute" crap. Wise up, people, the Teds are coming."

Ant'n'Dec, 72, were unavailable for comment, apart from a message that appeared in their Twitter feed this morning, which said: @planetjedward Stuffed the bear! Lmfao A. Pls put cq in post, lol xx ;) D. #imaceleb

image: nastyhobbit.org

RHS Reports 'Confused Plants' causing 'Havoc'.

2011-10-01T16:38:00.007+01:00

A spokesman for the Royal Horticultural Society has admitted that the unseasonably summery weather is causing major confusion amongst the plants and flowers at their flagship Wisley garden.

Strawberries and rhododendrons, who were not expected to bloom again until the Spring, suddenly burst out of their orderly rows with sunglasses and picnic baskets and were heading for the seaside, before gardeners managed to grab their roots and pull them back.

And orchids in the Glasshouse Garden were said to be wandering aimlessly, scratching their heads and bashing into the glass, with the result that the local double glazing firm, WindowPain Is Us, were rubbing their hands in glee.

An insider was quoted as saying: "Forget the Root Zone, it's more like a Riot Zone in there right now!"

Desperate Editor Stalks Media Mogul in Proper Job Shock!

2011-09-15T14:58:00.017+01:00

Attractive, blonde and desperate, The Scatter Editor, 27, *coughs* today applied via Twitter to Northcliffe Media's South East boss, @alangeere, for a proper job.

Northcliffe Media regional chief, Geere, 35, famous for such titles as The Corner Shop Chronicle and Next Door Neighbour's Gazette, decided he'd had enough of Dear Sir or Madam letters and monstrous CVs, insisting that all future job applicants apply via social media network Twitter.

Reports that the Trinity Mirror Group have subsequently flooded Facebook with job adverts are completely without substance. However, an insider at The Sunday Sport has confirmed that they will be allowing potential recruits to apply to them via Youtube, stating: "We anticipate many applications filmed in a mud bath, featuring either Elvis or Michael Jackson, and quite frankly, we can't wait!"

Dancing On Ice’s Jason Gardiner in Love Split

2011-07-24T11:18:00.003+01:00

Dancing on Ice’s Mr Nasty, Jason Gardiner, is said to be “extremely upset” and mourning the loss of his comb, after his newly transplanted hair decided enough was enough and moved out of the palatial council flat they’d shared for six months.

Jason's estranged transplant, left, now in hiding at a friend's house.

Gardiner, 72, well known for his acidic remarks to the popular skating show’s contestants, has been accused by the transplant of being massively possessive, saying that it could only deal with so much insecurity. Speaking from a friend’s bathroom cabinet where it was hiding away from the press, the transplant said:

“It was a wonderful relationship to begin with but as I grew more confident, Jason became more and more jealous, to the extent he was even covering me up in public. The final straw came when he wrapped a towel round his head when a friend came to call, pretending he’d just washed me.“

In a bad week for the reality show judge, Gardiner is also being investigated by the RSPCA for inhumane treatment of a bloodsucking sand fly, which died after biting him.

Medway Councillors Speed up Chatham Regeneration!

2011-04-29T20:29:00.010+01:00

Councillors on the annual Medway Council Beano to Fort Amherst today finally decided to demolish Chatham once and for all.

Alligator Found Behind Sofa!

2011-02-24T21:48:00.002Z

" I was just looking for change," he claimed "every little helps in this current economic climate!"

Pro Celebrity Ryder Cup Hailed a Success

2010-10-02T16:45:00.017+01:00

The brand new format for golf's prestigious Ryder Cup tournament has been hailed a success on just the second day of the competition. The inclusion of major A-List stars and a serving President had sent both the TV ratings and the attendance figures at the event in City of Newport's Celtic Manor Resort itself, soaring.

The news that the US team were including President Barack Obama had initially been met with scepticism by golfing commentators, but his excellent performance during the opening foursomes, alongside actor Samuel L Jackson, had even veteran Peter Alliss purring contentedly.
Europe, in the form of ex-premier Gordon Brown and TV host Dale Winton, had no answer to the masterful stroke play by the President and official coolest man on the plant, Jackson, who fought back valiantly when Winton tried to foist a hand made, multi coloured waistcoat upon his person.

With Denzil Washington and Bruce Willis teaming up to whup the backsides of comedian Alan Carr (who thoroughly enjoyed the experience, asking if they could play again) and ex-world champion boxer, Chris Eubank, USA led 2-0 after the first sessions.

However, Peter Alliss was left fuming towards the end of the first day, when it was revealed that American TV crews had demanded someone more glamorous and familiar to US viewers and that he would therefore be replaced by Cat Deeley for the remainder of the tournament.

'Banned' Songs to Feature on Susan Boyle's New Album?

2010-09-22T23:07:00.013+01:00

Susan Boyle has again entered the world of controversy, when it was revealed that she will be covering many previously banned songs on her new album.

With Radio One already declaring they would refuse to play the new single 'Relax', which SuBo has recorded with original Frankie Goes To Hollywood lead vocalist, Holly Johnson, talks are being held within record company, Sicko Columbia, to stem the growing tide of unease brought about by her decision to also record the Sex Pistols version of God Save The Queen.

An insider close to the singing sensation, known only as "Simon", said that the Scottish warbler was now "out of control" and "having delusions of hipness" brought on by the constant referencing to hip hop monicker 'SuBo'. It is also widely believed that she recently suffered an allergic reaction to peanuts, to which she was exposed at Los Angeles airport and that this has affected her ability to choose suitable songs.

Matters came to a head when Ms Boyle insisted on recording an acapella version of Lily Allen's 'It's Not Fair', complete with original lyrics. This has delayed the release date of the album, while producer, Steve Mac, battles with the star to change her mind.

Say NO to Cadburys Merger With Nestle!

2010-09-13T20:40:00.012+01:00

Chocolate campaigners today launched a scathing attack on plans to merge confectioners Cadbury and Nestle. Citing unprecedented outbreaks of shocking photoshopping upon popular products, chocoholics were beside themselves at the turning of their innocent obsession into something much much darker - even though Bournville appears to have escaped the perversion.

Images courtesy of the internet!

Ladybird Books to Reflect Modern Society (2)

2010-09-07T18:12:00.003+01:00

Public Information: The Medical Distinction Between Guts and Balls.

2010-08-31T21:37:00.003+01:00

We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

We hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

(Courtesy of the internet!)

When drunks get bored!

2010-08-29T17:54:00.002+01:00

courtesy of l'internet!

Animal Thoughts 1

2010-08-24T10:18:00.002+01:00

....courtesy of the internet!

The internet's a wonderful thing ... The Late Thierry Henry

2010-08-21T22:14:00.006+01:00

Ladybird Books New Titles To Reflect Modern Society (1)

2010-08-18T21:20:00.003+01:00

Nat West Launch Customer Charter; Barclays Launch Brendan Cole Live

2010-07-29T19:25:00.001+01:00

Not to be outdone by NatWest launching their new Customer Charter, high street rivals, Barclays Bank, have signed up Strictly Come Dancing bad boy Lothario and now happily married Antipodean, Brendan Cole, 34, to be the face and feet of their re-vamped inter-active and dramatic new banking halls.

With the new season of Strictly Come Dancing just three months away, Brendan is said to be delighted in helping Barclays bring dance to their customers and is looking forward to appearing on stage in the re-vamped branches all around the country.

The dance star undertook a warm-up tour across the country prior to signing for Barclays and confirmed that he would be appearing regularly for the banking giant throughout the Strictly off season, saying: “Well, clearly, with re-vamping currently in vogue, I wanted to make sure I had something to fall back on, should Strictly decide I’d be part of the re-vamping next year. Barclays are a professional organisation, dedicated to bringing dance to the masses and I wanted to be a part of that. And, they gave me an Additions Active account too – I get free travel insurance all year, which is extremely handy, what with all the travelling between the UK and New Zealand!”

We asked how training was going for the launch, to which Brendan’s reply was accompanied by a slight wince. “It’s all good, we just struggled a bit with the landing in the last session, when someone moved the crash mat.”

Torres Has Beef!

2010-07-25T15:16:00.016+01:00

Liverpool forward Fernando Torres has shocked family, friends and colleagues, by indulging in the traditional British dish of roast beef and Yorkshire pudding.

Everyone who knows the Spanish international forward was convinced he was both vegetarian and committed to the healthy mediterranean diet, but it is now apparent that he has in fact been scoffing the best of British cuisine.

A neighbour, who did not wish to be identified, says she often heard the sizzling of bacon on a Sunday morning, and could smell the mouth-watering delicacy wafting across their estate. She told us that Fernando denied it was an English fry-up, and insisited he was knocking up a vegetarian paella.

However, close inspection of his bin bags before collection yielded an unseemly array of egg cartons, bacon packaging, black pudding wrappers and, more worryingly, an empty tin that had once contained chopped tomatoes - proving that the footballer was not yet fully conversant with the art of a full blown English fry up.

Sharon Stone and Michael Douglas sign up for Basic Instinct 10: Hip Replacement Therapy.

2010-07-16T17:06:00.002+01:00

TV Companies Scramble to Sign Paul The Octopus

2010-07-12T21:23:00.012+01:00

After correctly predicting the outcome of the world cup final, Paul the octopus has reportedly been offered a six figure deal by ITV, to front their new Sunday afternoon football programme, The Big Match.

Not to be outdone, the BBC counter-acted with their own offer, hoping that Paul can be enticed into sharing The One Show sofa with Jason Manford, and are said to be dangling an eight-figure salary, which Paul has apparently indicated is much more to his liking.

However, ITV bosses are confident of securing the footballing genius. A spokesman clearly not suffering from a sense of De Ja Vu, said: "A football highlights show on Sunday is a huge step forward for us as a commercial station and will challenge the domination of the BBC's coverage of Sunday afternoon sport."

Paul's agent, Max Clifford, denied both reports, saying that he and Paul would be jetting off to the Seychelles to spend, or rather, invest, all of Paul's winnings from his various accumulator bets, on a brand new, state of the art underwater kingdom for the spineless know-it-all.

Paul will also get a new tank.

Just Too Good Not To Share!

2010-06-29T14:31:00.004+01:00

Doing the rounds of the internet no doubt, and possibly originating from Germany, you know it had to be done ...

Alex Reid to Join Diversity; Katie Price Spelbound Bound

2010-06-24T10:36:00.009+01:00

With the news anounced that Alex Reid, Katie Price's hubby-to-be, is joining last year's Britain's Got Talent winners, Diversity, as chief choreographer and lead dancer, this year's winners, Spelbound, have issued an invitation to Katie to join them on stage at the Royal Variety Show.

A spokesman for the artistic gymnastic team said the troupe were working extremely hard on new choreography for the special performance in front of Her Majesty, and had decided to include a couple of "human trampolines" from which the smaller team members would launch themselves into the air for their death-defying stunts.

Unfortunately, Pamela Lee-Anderson had to decline due to her pantomime commitments, however, Katie is said to be seriously considering the offer.

Please, please let us have this referee on Wednesday ...

2010-06-21T21:26:00.000+01:00

X-Factor "hide ugly audience members"

2010-06-19T21:12:00.009+01:00

An insider at ITV has admitted that during premier Saturday night show, The X-Factor, cameramen are paid bonuses to avoid filming any ugly members of the audience.

And he added: "It goes some way to explaining why Ashley Cole was never seen there. I always wondered."

Rooney “surprised at fans reaction” shock

2010-06-18T21:43:00.005+01:00

Long known for not being the brightest paint in the palette, Wayne Rooney has expressed surprise that England fans, who’ve spent their hard-earned cash in the middle of a recession to fly to South Africa to support their national team, booed them off the pitch, following a woeful display in the 0-0 draw against Algeria.

With pressure piling up on Fabio Capello, the manager has succumbed to the demands of 50% of the population and has stated that he will invoke FIFA rule #23667 sub section C, paragraph seven, which states: “Should any team be so shit that they are unlikely to make it through the group stages, the manager reserves the right to replace any member of the squad with the God-like countenance of David Beckham, playing topless in the final group game, in order to make it worthwhile watching.”

Any thoughts of FIFA trying to overrule this were quickly dispelled when Sepp Blatter stated that he too, would rather watch David Beckham play topless and would try to swing it so he could appear for Switzerland too. When it was pointed out that Switzerland were in a much stronger position than England, he looked completely astounded.

With gratefulthanks to some underwear company for an inspired campaign.

Strictly Come Dancing Announce Pro Dance Changes

2010-06-13T21:08:00.008+01:00

Fans of hit BBC Saturday night Flagship show, Strictly Come Dancing, have been left bemused and upset by changes to the professional dancer line up.

Hoping to appeal to a wider audience, the BBC have decided to employ South African professional dancers, who, since the beginning of the World Cup, have been in great demand teaching everyone how to Diski. An insider commented: "The world cup attracts more viewers than even ourselves and X-Faxtor and Dr. Who put together, so it was the obvious solution to a drop in our ratings."

However, the Samaritans have warned that they are unable to cope with the influx of calls they are now receiving from distraught Matthew Cutler fans since the announcement, although they admit that the majority of their time is being taken up by Marion Keyes, devastated at the potential loss of Lilia Kopylova from the show.

The South African dancers are said to be "thrilled" at the prospect of teaching Bruce Forsyth the latest trend.

Mobile Company Fight To Keep Jinxed Number

2010-05-25T17:02:00.013+01:00

Mobile phone company Mobitel are embroiled in a fight to keep a jinxed number out of circulation.

The telephone number 666-666-666 has been linked with the deaths of all the people who've owned it in bizarre and unlikely circumstances. Russian trapeze artist, Vasily Kudenkeepagripov, crashed to the ground in a previously death-defying stunt, whilst Indian tightrope walker, Balan Singh, met an untimely end when he plunged into the Grand Canyon in a previously death-defying stunt, following news that Swiss yodelling champion, Hans Sheepworrier, was trampled to death by his flock of sheep following a previously death-defying stunt.

However, a private individual has come forward to claim the number for his own, insisting that the jinx will not affect him. Mobitel would prefer to keep the number under wraps but are unsure how long this will remain the case, since the individual, named only as a Mr. B.L. Zebub, appears to have some powerful friends who are said to be pressurising the company.

True Life Story!

2010-05-20T13:22:00.003+01:00

Ninjas rescue victim from thugs! Gotta love this ...

http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/national/ninjas-rescue-student-from-thugs/story-e6frf7l6-1225868928257

London 2012 Mascots Unveiled

2010-05-20T12:53:00.008+01:00

LOCOG, the organising committee of the London Olympic Games have revealed the mascots for 2012.

Following the outrage over the cost of the Olympic logo but hoping to appeal to children worldwide, Lord Coe approved the implemetation of lifesize working models of the BBC's Dick and Dom, confirming that their quirky brand of slapstick fitted perfectly with his vision of the London Olympics. Puppet operators for Dick and Dom are said to be thrilled with the decision, stating it a "real honour" that their characters will be used.

Auditions for volunteers wishing to play Dick or Dom in their neighbourhood, in the run up to and throughout the Games themselves, will be held locally -details can be found on your local BBC website.

Sunday Film Supplement: How to Train Your Dragon

2010-05-16T14:18:00.007+01:00

A new 3D version of this now legendary business classic has gone on general release around the country.

With further scenes added in following James Caan's recent appearance at the Kent 20/20 (he was unfortunately caught and bowled on 47, just shy of his maiden 50), business leaders throughout the country hailed the business model he proclaimed would help them train the dragons in their business dealings, as the most forward thinking management course they've ever heard.

A spokesman for Caan said the Dragon was thrilled with both the response to his speech and the takings at the cinema, whilst dismissing claims that the other dragons, Duncan, Theo, Deborah and Peter were fuming that they hadn't thought of making the docu-drama first.

The film's distributors also denied they were producing a 3D remake of Hotel for Dogs, where Jodie Marsh and Katie Price would take over the running of Paris Hilton.

Outrage Over Winning Party Forming Coalition Government Shock!

2010-05-11T22:12:00.037+01:00

British politics was sent into turmoil tonight, when Conservative leader, David Cameron, accepted the Queen's invitation to form her next government, after his party won more seats in Parliament than any other individual party.

The decision came as a huge blow to some British people who didn't vote for them, not least because it's the way it has generally worked in the past.

SNP leader Alex Salmond was especially scathing, saying: "85% of the Scottish people didn't vote for a Tory government" whilst conveniently forgetting that 100% of English people didn't vote for the SNP, yet would have ended up with SNP MPs having more of a say than most English MPs in the running of their lives, had the self-styled Losers Coalition come to fruition.

Liberal Democrat and erstwhile "Kingmaker" Nick Clegg, however, has promised electoral reform by way of scrapping the outmoded democratic process of a general election in future and forming the One Big Happy Family Party in five years time, proposing to ip-dip a cabinet out of whoever turns up in Downing Street on the day, since this would clearly save us all the bother of staying up all night for nothing.

Shock Announcement From Downing Street

2010-05-10T22:37:00.012+01:00

Gordon Brown today stepped out from Number 10 Downing Street to confirm his resignation as Prime Minister.

Political commentators were unsurprised at the timing of the announcement, coming as it did just hours after Gillingham FC confirmed that manager Mark Stimson was stepping aside. It's well known to Labour Party activists that Gordon has long hankered after a managerial role in the world of football, his first love, and the situation at the Kent side has proven to be too much of an attraction.

It has now been revealed that Mr Brown's high profile visit to Strood at the beginning of the election campaign, did in fact mask a secret meeting with Gills chairman, Paul Scally, who made a tentative offer to the PM that same day - should Gordon lose the election and Gillingham be relegated, the door to Priestfield would be wide open for the Labour man to bring his leadership qualities to the dressing room - as soon as he chose to step down as PM. Which of course fits perfectly with the new season beginning in September.

Mr Scally said he was confident that Gordon's legendary staying power would have a fantastic effect on the team's chances of remaining in League Two, and, maybe, with a bit of luck and support from the other teams in Division Two, even being promoted back to Division One.

UKIP's Last Ditch Bid for Victory

2010-05-06T19:23:00.010+01:00

Since the 2010 General Election has been fought along the lines of Britain's favourite reality shows, UKIP today went for the lifeline of those less fancied contestants of those shows, the sympathy vote.

The party's chief spokesman and MEP, Nigel Farage, was taking part in an aerial stunt that was just meant to skim the surface of the landing field, leaving them with minor cuts and bruises, however, the light aircraft suddenly plummeted to the ground, trapping both him and the pilot, Justin Adams. Rescuers were on hand within minutes and both men are now recovering in hospital.

A deputy spokesman for UKIP said: "We're not entirely clear as what happened during the stunt, as advice on how to plummet correctly had been taken from the best Hollywood stuntman." In reply to criticisms of unfair pressure placed on UK voters, he added: "Yes, it might be considered a little extreme, but a little sympathy can go a long way in a vote off."

Farage's UKIP rosette was said to be recovering well, but there is growing concern for the shoes worn by the pilot, as their whereabouts is currently unknown.

Alesha Told To Toughen Up

2010-05-04T13:57:00.008+01:00

BBC bosses have told judge Alesha Dixon that she must be tougher with the contestants in the next series of Strictly Come Dancing.

And to help with this, they've enrolled the R&B singing ex-winner in an Army Boot Camp, where she'll be put through her paces by ex-SAS men in an effort to bash any soft tendencies out of her.

In a similar but slightly different course of action, Craig Revel Horwood will be sent to a Pamper Camp the week before the show begins, to leave him happy and relaxed and therefore less stingingly critical of the contestants. A spokesman for the Corporation stated: "It worked last year, Craig was in a much better mood throughout the entire show. In fact, it was Bruno who became Mr. Nasty."

And reports are that Bruno is already fuming about the special treatment for Craig and Alesha, but the spokesman dismissed this: "Bruno was given the option of Army Boot Camp or Pamper Camp, he just couldn't make up his mind which one he'd prefer and demanded to go on both. Well, the Corporation can't afford that at this time - Len's settled for a weekend at a real ale festival; Bruno was told in no uncertain terms to take his pick or stay at home, alone."

Man Arrested in Connection With Retail Park Fires

2010-05-03T09:18:00.014+01:00

A man was arrested in the early hours of this morning, following the arson attacks on DIY stores, Homebase and B&Q in Aylesford Retails Park in Kent.

Neighbours called police to an address in Ditton, expressing concerns for the couple living there after hearing banging, crashing and screaming. Police broke down the door to find the man cowering under a set of steps, while a woman, believed to be his wife, stood over him threatening him with a paint brush and paint pot.

The un-named man, believed to be in his fifties, is said to have been taken to a secure institution to undergo psychological checks, after he told police that he physically couldn't face doing any more painting and decorating this bank holiday weekend. He felt his only choice was to burn down the B&Q and Homebase where she kept making him go to buy more materials and has apparently expressed regret.

A spokesman for the men's charity group, S.N.A.W.D.I.E** who have been campaigning for a reduction in the hours spent by husbands on home DIY during bank holiday weekends, called for an immediate end to DIY stores having sales and special offers at such a vulnerable time.

**Stop Nagging And We'll Do It Eventually

Sunday Environment Supplement: When the dust finally settles ...

2010-04-25T09:45:00.016+01:00

Heather Mills has admitted that the "ash" cloud hanging over Europe is really vegan almond powder that escaped from her suitcase at a recent airport check in.

The subsequent conspiracy to blame an innocent volcano in Iceland has shocked the former ex-model ex-wife of Sir Paul McCartney, who did go on to say she understood the cover up, since no-one can sue a volcano.

Air lines seeking compensation are being accused of idiocy, since it was an airline worker who made Ms Mills open her case in the first place, ignoring the dire warnings uttered by the ex-Dancing On Ice contestant.

The almond powder grounded flights across Europe, as the ensuing dust cloud permeated the outer layers of the atmosphere and turned localised acid rain into tiny maccaroons.

Saturday Film Review: Atora! Atora! Atora!

2010-04-24T13:57:00.009+01:00

Way back in the reaches of time, the 17th Century to be exact, a war was waging in the kitchens of England over the newly found beneficial properties of suet, with the Roundeheads and the Cavaliers going head to head in the famous battle colloquially known as Not Just Dumplings.

Concerned that the Royal household would corrupt the population with their Fish Pinwheels, Winter Stollen and other outlandish recipes, Cromwell lead his troops in a raid on the Palace of Westminster, determined to stamp out these dangerous practices and restore the one true suet dish, the humble dumpling, to the dining tables of England.

The Cavaliers hit back, flooding the market with Savoury Eccles Cakes, but Cromwell's savvy understanding of the English people helped him deliver a knockout blow, as he instructed his chefs to issue free Raspberry Roly Poly across the land, sealing a decisive victory for the Roundheads.

Cheryl Cole's Friend to Star in Strictly

2010-04-22T13:17:00.010+01:00

Jimmy Five Bellies, formerly a close friend of Paul Gasgoigne, is set to join the cast of Strictly Come Dancing.

Now renamed Jimmy Six Pack, the Geordie lad, left, credits his new found body to meeting Cheryl at a dinner and dance for England players past and present. A mutual interest in dance quickly became apparent, as they hit the floor after dessert, Cheryl with her fancy footwork and Jimmy with his head, after his customary twenty pints and eight chasers.

Introduced to Dancing With the Stars Derek Hough, Jimmy, who rarely drinks anything other than water now, lost ten stones in three months of intensive dance training, which saw him win all the necessary medals and honours to turn professional.

Jimmy and Derek will replace Anton Du Beke and Brendan Cole for the next season of the BBC flagship show.

New Favourite Emerges for The One Show

2010-04-21T17:06:00.011+01:00

Following news that Adrian Chiles is defecting to ITV to take up lodgings on the GMTV sofa, Richard Hammond, Matthew Wright and Chris Hollins were left devastated today when Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg said he would be interested in the position left vacant on The One Show.

Although now level with the Conservatives in the polls, Clegg's agent feels that his good performance on the recent live leaders debate and his new found popularity with the people of Britain puts him right at the top of the BBC's most wanted list.

His re-location to the One Show sofa would be seen as quite a coup by BBC bosses, while co-host Christine Bleakley has given her blessing.

However, a source close to the ITV bosses have said that an insider working at Television Centre, reportedly told a canteen assistant that BBC bosses have also approached outgoing GMTV host Ben Shephard, who resigned on hearing the news of Chiles appointment, fearing his mantle of resident hunk was under threat.

But a straight swap between the two companies was branded by industry experts as "ridiculous" and "that would indicate some level of adults working together" and "that's never going to happen." Adding: "They can't even avoid clashing their main Saturday night shows, what chance the midweek ones that barely anyone watches?"

Port Lympne Tabby Cats Escape "Nothing to Worry About"

2010-04-19T20:36:00.011+01:00

A park ranger on behalf of Kent wildlife park Port Lympne, has dismissed reports that dangerous wildcats have escaped from the reserve overnight.

Our wildlife expert, Phil Oddboddie, was despached today to check out reports that neighbouring villages had been terrorised by big cats on the prowl during the early hours of this morning.

Big cat keeper, Sylvester Felid, who stands 6ft 11ins in his paisley ankles socks, tried to reassure Phil.

"They're tabby cats, you see, just baby tabby cats - "

"Called Razor, Slasher and Stripes?"

"No, no, that was just my little joke. Really, they're just babies, only two thirds the size of a normal to largish sized tabby."

"How large?"

"Oh, you know - about this big - "

"That's pretty big for tabby cats."

"Not at all - comfortable life now you see, it's like humans average height has increased over the years, cats are no different."

"So why the shotgun?"

"What? This old thing? Oh, that's just for show, you know, the punters like to see a game keeper with a gun, makes them think they're really out in the wilds of Kenya."

"These "tabby" kittens then, what exactly do they look like."

"Oh, typical tabby, you know - orange and black stripes."

Sunday Sport Supplement: Jenson's Success "It's all down to Jelly Babies!"

2010-04-18T14:17:00.015+01:00

Jenson Button has dedicated his latest, his 'best', Formula One victory to Bassett's Jelly Babies.

The British driver confirmed that he ate a whole packet for breakfast before his amazing victory at the Australian GP, but missed the soft and fruity gelatin sweeties before the Malaysian event - which he subsequently didn't win!

So this weekend, in a mercy dash across fifteen continents by road, rail, sea and mountain goat, McLaren staff, working in relay teams and sometimes in tandem, ensured a fresh bag was delivered to Jenson in China, where they worked their magic to ensure another stunning victory.

Team mate Lewis Hamilton exclusively revealed it's not just in the eating of the jelly babies - the order in which they're consummed is strictly adhered to, with all the available data having been fed into the supercomputer at McLaren HQ, in Woking, to work out the optimum order.

Each Bassett's Jelly Baby has an individual name, shape, colour and flavour and Jenson's favoured strategy is always to leave Boofuls till last - Boofuls being the lime flavoured green one (green for GO!) Brilliant (red - strawberry) is first in line, closely followed by Bubbles (yellow - lemon), Baby Bonny (pink - raspberry), Bigheart (purple - blackcurrant) and Bumper (orange - orange).

Boss Martin Whitmarsh said: "We learned from the errors we made in Malaysia and made sure we got it right this time. We're testing the impact now of the sherbet dipdabs favoured by Lewis, which seem to give him the speed he needs during the race, although leaving him a little over excited and we hope that further testing will result in a calmer, more assured result without any loss of acceleration."

Gorilla Gardeners Spruce up London

2010-04-14T21:39:00.002+01:00

Charles Darwin’s theories have long been respected and it seems that evolution is still going strong, as gorillas, chimpanzees and orang utangs are leaving agricultural college in record numbers.

With cash strapped London councils desperate to make savings, the primates are being employed as landscape gardeners, happy to be paid in bananas and nuts.

A spokesman for Richmond Upon Thames said: “It isn’t just that they don’t need payment by cash, they’re saving us a fortune in fuel for lawn mowers too, since they just graze their way along the verges. The only problem is, we’ve had to also employ an army of dung beetles to follow them around and their rates are bloody extortionate.”

Sunday Supplement: New Blu-Ray TV Gives Viewer Choice

2010-04-11T21:05:00.023+01:00

Alternate endings to movies have been around for some time but Blu-Ray have gone one step further now, in letting the individual viewer choose what that alternate ending might be.

With the newly found self censorship guidlelines adopted by Blu-Ray, some viewers might be disturbed by the alternate endings on offer, although a spokesperson from their press office said there were enough options to satisfy even the most critical of film watchers.

Take perennial favourite Star Wars, for example. With the new technology available, George Lucas' classic can be completely turned around. However, initial results have yielded complaints from enthusiasts that the obvious change ie, the Empire winning, has not been included.

Instead, the options mainly concern smaller issues - Darth can be made to miss Luke's hand and they can sit down and have a propler father to son chat, instead of Darth blurting insensitively about being his father; Jabba's singer can soothe the Bantha so he doesn't eat her and even Jabba himself can be spared by Leia, as he repents his evil ways and opens a karaoke bar in his palace.

In fact, it appears that the editor of the alternate endings has decided to only include happy and non-gory endings in films that were sad and/or violent and this is causing unrest amongst consumers, who say they've not been sold the technology they were expecting.

However, George Lucas is said to be delighted with the other options on the Blu-Ray TV, particularly the ability to change the colours; his original screenplay had Darth Vader in fuschia pink but colleagues talked him out of it.

"He's like a little boy again" said a member of his ranch staff "hasn't let anyone near the remote control since they had the TV installed."

Saturday Review: Dancing With the Stars Producer Insists Pammy Wears "Bra and Pasties".

2010-04-10T13:50:00.010+01:00

Pamela Anderson, the busty ex-Baywatch babe taking part in America's Dancing With The Stars, is said to be "livid" with the show's producer, for insisting that she dances in clothing made entirely of pasties.

It it not understood at this stage if the items in question have to be of any particular make, but Cornwall are said to be gearing up for a major order, the like of which they haven't seen since the days of the tin miners. The large pastry casing that protected their food from the muckiness of the mine was disgarded to appease the mine spirits, known, fittingly, as the 'Knockers' and it appears the American producers see the ancient tradition as a way forward in the tricky situation of Pammy wishing to go commando.

At the time of going to press, the Dancing With The Stars wardrobe mistress was frantically sourcing recipe books, with reports that she was slightly concerned at the functionality of chopped swede replacing sequins and the sway factor of sliced onions as fringing. However, advisers from Ginsters were working closely with her for an effective and tasty solution.

General Election: Parliament Unable to Be Dissolved

2010-04-06T12:57:00.004+01:00

With everyone excited at the General Election being called for May the 6th, the Prime Minister was disappointed to call at Buckingham Palace this morning, only to find the Queen out.

Without the Queen dissolving Parliament, local party activists are now in disarray over the impact this may have on the election date, and are pondering the notion that they may now have to recall all press releases for re-printing.

Quizzed as to how this oversight could have occurred, a Downing Street spokesman huffily referred us to a Buckingham Palace spokesman, who stated:

"Look, nobody bothers to tell the Queen in advance this is going to happen - the PM just gaily announces it the night before and then expects her to wait in for him. Quite rightly, she decided he can wait for her for a change and carried on with her usual Tuesday morning tennis lesson with Virginia Wade. She's getting really rather good you know!"

Good Friday Film Review: Nanny McPhee and the Big Bang Theory

2010-04-02T14:56:00.019+01:00

Emma Thompson is once more transformed into the Nanny with the answers to life, the Universe and everything, as she teaches five warring country cousins (whose ages add up to 42) the story of Planet Earth's humble beginnings.

With the universe expanding from the extremely hot and dense state that is the location of the childrens' farm, Nanny explains that the world recession is due in part the chaotic inflation caused by the quantum thermal fluctuations, although Heisenberg's uncertainty principles would suggest that the flatness problem belied the spatial curvature and that's why she had to have a flying motorcyle, instead of an umbrella like Mary Poppins.

With her revelation that pigs are the oldest creature in the Universe, surviving when the comet wiped out the dinosaurs, the children all realized that being spoilt little brats was preventing them from embracing the endless possibilities of cosmological observations and that they really could believe pigs can fly if they put their minds to it.

Part of the film's charm, and what makes it work so well, was the accidental casting of Professor Brian Cox instead of the actor Brian Cox, which resulted in various re-workings of the script, but nevertheless gave authority to the otherwise simplistic nature of the narrative.

Apologies

2010-03-31T22:54:00.008+01:00

Last week, we reported that Baby Spice Emma Bunton would be wearing a pair of Posh Spice Victoria Beckham's black crepe trousers as a shrug, which was, of course, completely wrong.

They were in fact more of a smokey grey silk and we apologise for any confusion caused.

We also recently reported that the Baroness Uddin had a fantastic left hook, however, we have been advised by her press office that this is untrue and that her killer shot is actually a right uppercut. We apologise unreservedly if we mislead any of her opponents.

Car Buyer Helps Prove Scientific Theory That Some People Are Actually Really Thick

2010-03-30T17:44:00.016+01:00

A motorist who wanted to surprise his wife on April Fool's Day with a silver plated Mini Cooper Stupido, has revealed his costly mistake to the world.

Builder Ian Grice paid £38,000 for the car, when he was dazzled senseless by it when passing a local dealer. Without bothering to check first, like normal people do, he bought the car and then found that, obviously, no insurance company was going to go near it with a twenty foot air guage, even if he swapped the alloy wheels.

Mr Grice was hoping that by going public over his ordeal, some kind soul might set up a Facebook group to raise funds, which will enable him to buy specialist cover from the insurance company to the rich and famous, More Money Than Sense.

Scientists at London's Brunel University were said to be celebrating this confirmation of a theory they'd long discussed in the student bar and were looking forward to working on many more examples, including the closely related paper: "Why Some Drivers Can't Fill Up if the Petrol Pump is on the Opposite Side of the Car to the Tank".

Sunday Supplement: Film Four Launch The Search for Mowgli

2010-03-28T20:30:00.008+01:00

Film Four have announced plans for a big budget, live action version of The Jungle Book.

In keeping with the best reality shows, auditions for the five major roles are already underway around the country, however, according to production insiders they haven't gone without a hitch.

The search for Mowgli has proven difficult, due to the auditionees for Shere Khan eating three of the auditonees for the hero's role, while the auditionees for the role of King Louie are responsible for the budget trebling already, as cameras and gantries are being damaged by the swinging.

Meanwhile, the Baloo the bear auditionees have caused major disruption in every town they've visited, by uprooting any tree they find in the vicinity, with the RHS at Wisley in particular being hit very badly during a mass escape from the auditions at the Whitgift Centre.

The Bagheera auditionees are the only ones said to be no trouble, except for the badgering of the filming crew about the health and safety issues posed the the Shere Khans.

Reports of a raid by the Health and Safety Executive have been denied, with Film Four saying that filming is likely to start in the Autumn.

Saturday Review: Stars and Their Hobbies

2010-03-27T20:25:00.007Z

This week, we take a look at Madonna's long held fascination with aeroplanes.

It was during the long hot summer, shortly after the superstar moved into her London home underneath the Heathrow flight path, that Madonna found herself flat on her back in her sprawling garden; she'd tripped over the bucket she was using to collect berries and saw the majestic sight of a Boeing 737 soaring through the clouds like an eagle searching for prey, as she lay prone on her manicured lawn.

It was the beginning of a love affair that has lasted longer than her marriages and only a few people close to the global star knew that she was amongst the plane spotters arrested in Greece some time ago. Contrary to what you've read, it was her money that bought their freedom.

According to my sources (Nina on the next desk to me at work) Madonna is also an active member of the the celebrity Aircraft Spotting forum and we can exclusively reveal that she goes under the user name of The Flying Sultana. Do visit and say "Hi" - we're sure she'll be thrilled to hear from you.

Melbourne Police Impound Hamilton's Car

2010-03-26T16:12:00.008Z

Melbourne police have been blasted by Formula One chiefs for impounding Lewis Hamilton's McLaren, following him setting the quickest time in the opening practice session for this weekend's Australian Grand Prix.

One of the charges that may be brought against Hamilton is endangering the life of his passenger, who had to hang onto the rear wing since, inexplicably, there was no room in the front.

Mercedes refused to be drawn on the rumours that the male passenger on the car was fellow F1 driver and ex champion Michael Schumacher, although witnesses report hearing the passenger "egging on" the driver to go "faster, faster, don't worry about the cops, we're famous."

Jenson Button was understood to be "extremely nervous" about the chances of his car retaining its freedom if he subsequently sets the quickest time in the next practice session, while Bernie Ecclestone tried to diffuse the situation by offering the entire Melbourne Police Department free tickets to the VIP area for the weekend. Apparently, he will be allowed out in time for the race on Sunday, but only if his behaviour improves.

"It's rule adherence gone mad!" Spluttered Hamilton's current squeeze, Nicole Scherzinger, taking a break from training with Dancing With The Star's Derek Hough. "There are speed limits in Albert Park, of course there are, and for good reason, but to punish only one of the cars for breaking them is totally unfair."

Wednesday News in Brief

2010-03-24T16:17:00.004Z

Lenny Henry's Premier Inn advert has been banned from kids' tv for being too scary. The thought of having to share a room with their parents proved too much for some, as A&E departments reported an increase in childhood hysteria.

Emma Bunton revealed that her ex-colleague, former spice girl and wife of James Corden's new best friend, Victoria Beckham, sends her some of her own clothes to wear on Dancing on Ice. It's a relief to know that the chiffon effort covering her right shoulder on Sunday night was, in fact, a new boob tube style dress outgrown by Victoria and that half of Emma's dress had not, in fact, been stolen, as had been reported elsewhere. For this week's final, Emma is understood to be sporting a pair of Victoria's black crepe trousers as a shoulder shrug.

Some people outside a Jane Norman store in Central London celebrated Hump Day a little too literally today and are now facing several public order offences, including lewd and indecent behaviour.

Wildwood Release Connick Onto Wetlands

2010-03-23T22:50:00.012Z

Harry Connick Jnr was finally re-introduced into the wild today, courtesy of those hardworking conservationists at the Wildwood Trust in Herne Bay, Kent.

Along with some of his pet horses, who have been instrumental in rehabilitating the resting actor and jazz singer and provided backing vocals on his last tour, Harry, a big grazer in the best traditions of the Tarpan species throughout Eastern Europe, has settled nicely onto the wetlands of Stodmarsh and Ham Fen and is said to be considering an album utilising the very best of the iconic Connick whinny.

Wildwood worked tirelessly with English Nature, Kent Wildlife Trust and Sony Music International to ensure that Harry was well cared for in captivity and said they were extremely proud of the sturdy foals sired by Harry during the breeding stage. They look forward to adding to the population on the wetlands.

Sunday Supplement: U.S Actions Contrary to Better Ties - Iran

2010-03-21T21:48:00.015Z

Iran's Foreign Minister slammed the Americans tonight, as he revealed that promises made in secret talks had been broken.

The US had promised Tehran it would bring the biggest ever Burtons store to their capital, in readiness for the new business centre being built to house their stock exchange. Newly employed traders and bankers were to be kitted out in standard navy suits but were promised that they could choose their own designer silk ties, a perk the Americans themselves had actually championed.

However, it seems that the US Administration would not pass the budget for the project and the tie samples sent over to Tehran were in fact not designer, nor were they made of silk, leaving the traders extremely disappointed.

Saturday Business Review: BA Cancels Flights But Passengers Fly

2010-03-20T22:06:00.008Z

British Airways contingency plan to cope with the cabin crew strike this weekend appears to have worked, as a fleet of a thousand hot air balloons left Gatwick on their way to foreign destinations.

According to BA bosses, 65% of passengers took up places in the specially adapted balloons, with green campaigners applauding the decision to switch to the greener, more environmentally friendly method of transport, admitting, however, that they would be pressuring the airline to carry on with them and banish planes completely.

A statement released by the airline thanked Piers Morgan and Jason Gardiner for their generosity, in alllowing their breath to be harvested as fuel for the hot air balloons.

Pietersen: Test Cricket "Not For Girls"

2010-03-18T22:04:00.011Z

England batsman Kevin Pietersen has admitted that test cricket is a bit boring for women, especially those who don't understand the technical jargon of the sport.

He's therefore put forward a few proposals to sex it up for them, including himself and Alastair Cook both playing topless in the next match in Dakar.

And as an added bonus for women spectators, a draw will be held before the start of play, to win the chance of rubbing sun tan oil into both Kevin and Alastair, with runner up prizes of painting the white stripes across the noses of Tim Denman and Ryan Sidebottom.

Blairs to "Have it Out" on Kyle show

2010-03-17T20:58:00.006Z

The latest political fad to sweep Westminster is to air their dirty laundry on daytime talk show Jeremy Kyle, in a bid to show transparency to the electorate in the run up to the general election.

While some voters are appalled at the idea, having no wish to see Gordon Brown or anybody else's smalls, other sections of the community are relishing the chance to take part in the live show and be able to boo and hiss the politicians, and to possibly throw rotten fruit.

Elder statesman Tony Blair and wife Cherie are the first couple to share their concerns over the wayward life of eldest son Euan. Since being found face down in the gutter, drunk, Euan seemed to have reigned himself in but the revelation that it was he living in the Maidstone flat owned and claimed for by Baroness Uddin sent shock waves through Sedgefield, Milan, London, New York and everywhere else the Blairs now have homes.

Cherie Blair insisted on a lie detector test, which has apparently already been undertaken by both the Baroness and Euan. Mrs Blair's concerns that her son may have been more than just a lodger are fully understandable and extra security has been drafted in for the show, bearing in mind that the Baroness has a fantastic left hook.

Sunday Supplement: Arafat Call Up Blow for Sussex

2010-03-14T13:01:00.006Z

Sussex Cricket Club were dealt a massive blow today, when overseas signing Yasser Arafat was named in the Pakistan ICC World Twenty 20 Squad.

Arafat is likely to miss the opening two months of the season, with Sussex coach, Mark Robinson, telling us: "We were told by the Palestinian government that Yasser would be available all season; finding overseas players is tough enough as it is, without them putting their countries first."

And doubly galling of course, is that fact that Arafat is actually Palestinian and not technically eligible for Pakistan, which the selectors seem to have overlooked. The fitness of the fast bowler has also been called into question lately, with the sprightly 81 year old beset by illness and subsequent death, although reports say he was looking back to his best in pre season nets.

Saturday Snack Review: Weebles Found in Butterkist Popcorn!

2010-03-13T16:05:00.002Z

Butterkist sweet toffee popcorn packs have been recalled after the manufacturer discovered they were infested with the tiny plastic pests, corn weebles.

The Playskool toys are five to six centimetres long and popcorn coloured, which is why they were so easily missed during packaging of the snack packs.

A statement from the company said: "We'd like to reassure customers that this doesn't present any form of health risk, apart from a possible slight choking hazard."

The batch numbers of the affected packs are B8386, B8497 and B8496 and have been sold between January 29th and today. Customers who bought packs with these numbers are urged to call 0800 0352535 for a full and complete refund and to claim a free weeble minibus.

Mark Owen Admits to Affairs

2010-03-11T22:29:00.005Z

The sheer scale of sports stars and television presenters infidelity was finally driven home today when dimunitive Take That star, Mark Owen, admitted to having affairs with Tiger Woods, John Terry, Vernon Kaye and Ashley Cole.

Asked when these affairs took place, Owen declined to specify, although speculation has been rife about the goings on behind closed doors of a secret Northern Blokes Society, full of seemingly decent, caring northern blokes just sharing a passion for football, but who had been at the very heart of the revelations.

A source close to the society stated: "Yeah, you know 'eckaslike, the footballers get automatic entry on account of them being footballers an' that bein' the workin' man's game, see. If yer married to a Geordie bird, that's double kudos. A special exception was made for Tiger, who was inducted during a secret visit to England last July. Well, I say secret, - he didn't make the cut at the British Open and got a bit bored."

The UK pop music scene were shocked and bewildered by Owen's indiscretions. "Mind you, it explains why him and the rest of the lads had to take ten years off," stated a music industry mogul. "He was knackered."

Gordon Brown To Take Over MOTD From Lineker?

2010-03-10T20:55:00.004Z

Spin doctors for Labour are desperate to up the Prime Minster's profile before the general election, and have been bombarding the BBC with requests to let him present their flagship, primetime Saturday evening, legendary football highlights show.

It follows the Prime Minister's appearance on Piers Morgan's Life Stories, where ITV let Mr. Brown enjoy the full glare of the television cameras as he interviewed the Britain's Got Talent judge.

The BBC, due to the unique way it's funded, have been spurning Downing Street's advances, anxious to maintain their neutrality in the run up to the national vote. Piers Morgan though, had no such qualms, an insider close the 'Life Stories' programme told us, since "it's a well kept secret that Gordon is Susan Boyle's half stepbrother - and Piers has to keep her happy, or she won't let him stroke her pussy - can't remember its name, sorry."

Robbie to Sponsor Pot Holes

2010-03-09T20:51:00.005Z

Superstar Robbie Williams is the first celebrity to put his money where his mouth is by sponsoring the potholes of Stoke to be repaired.

Taking his cue from a successful idea piloted in Niederzimmen, near Leipzig in Germany, Robbie approached Stoke County Council with the proposal, who were quick to grasp the benefits of the scheme, whereby a pothole can be repaired at just £50 per hole, with a personal dedication embedded into the tarmac, or in Robbie's case, promotional CD's for his new album.

It's hoped now that celebrities living in the capital will follow suit. Girls Aloud star Cheryl Cole, said to be considering reconciliation with estranged husband Ashley, has already hinted that she'd like to see him forever immortalised in the middle of Kensington High Street, preferably in concrete, since she understands this to be longer lasting than tarmac.

Sunday Supplement: Stars Dual Talents Exposed

2010-03-07T21:28:00.006Z

With Professor Brian Cox making his debut on BBC 2 (now!) having previously tasted fame as the keyboard player from 90's band D:ream, we thought we'd take a look back at the archives and find other stars who have alter egos you may or may not be aware of.

You won't be surprised to find out that Ronnie Corbett played one of the munchkins in the original film version of The Wizardof Oz, or that David Beckham, reading English Literature, played a major role in Oxford University's last University Challenge win, but what of Dale Winton's other occupation? The one we uncovered that he's managed to keep secret all these years?

Yes, before we knew him as the genial host of In It To Win It and while he was starting out on his flegding career as host of Supermarket Sweep, Dale was in fact one of Britain's most accomplished assassins, serving MI5 and MI6 throughout the cold war.

The role of Supermarket Sweep ambassador, in bringing versions to dozens of other countries, provided him the perfect cover and opportunity to carry out his missions abroad, but the secrecy and double life finally took its toll and Dale regretfully hung up the Walther PPK in 1997.

But it's plain to see now, why he had no trouble controlling those exciteable contestants in those crowded aisles!

Saturday Conservation Review: Greek Gods Fury at Proposed Government Sell Off

2010-03-06T18:28:00.010Z

The deities of Mount Olympus in Greece are staging a sit in on the steps of the Greek Parliament, in protest at the planned sell off of their homes and playgrounds.

Goddess of Wisdom, Athena is said to be "furious"at the plan to convert the Parthenon into a Creative Arts College and has unleashed a swarm of owls into the inner sanctums of the government building, while Hephaestus, whilst unhappy at his temple being sold to a manufacturing firm, is slightly mollified that it is at least an engineering company, with a nice side line in pottery.

Meanwhile, Apollo has taken off to his own temple at Delphi, but instead of galvansing support against the fitness centre being developed there, is said to be actively participating in the design process and has accepted a consultancy fee.

Human protesters are also occupying the tunnel of Eupalinos, which has been sold off to the water board, while Zeus himself and an army of lesser Gods have chained themselves together around the bottom of Mount Olympus, to ensure the bulldozers intent on converting the space into luxury penthouse flats, do not gain entry to the ancient site.

It was reported that Prime Minister George Papandreou was last seen being head butted down the side of the Acropolis by a strange looking goat like creature. Pan will appear before magistrates tomorrow.

Button's on left or right?

2010-03-05T21:44:00.006Z

The season hasn't yet started but already there's controversy in the Formula One paddock, as Bernie has another idea to spice up the coming season.

Desperate to give Michael Schumacher as much assistance as possible, reigning World Champion Jenson Button has been told he must choose to drive all his races on either the right hand or the left hand side of the track, ignoring the accepted racing line.

McLaren are naturally fuming at the idea, Hamilton got the giggles (although these quickly subsided when he found out that girlfriend Nicole was partnered with ladies man, hunky Derek Hough, on the US version of Strictly Come Dancing, Dancing With The Stars), with Schumacher maintaining that he neither wants nor expects any preferential treatment, but hey, if you insist ...

Lionel Blair and Andrew Lloyd Webber Launch Talent Search

2010-03-04T22:43:00.005Z

Lionel Blair and Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber are in discussions with the BBC to host a brand new audition show, to search for the leading lady in their new joint venture expected to debut in the West End before Christmas.

With the search for Dorothy for The Wizard of Oz currently underway, Sir Andrew is said to be "incredibly excited" at Lionel's proposal of updating perennial children's favourite, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves and is pushing the production of Dorothy into overtime.

Lionel will play the Prince Charming character in the new, native American version of the beloved fairy tale, to be titled Tap Dances With Dwarves.

Dames Judi Dench, Eileen Atkins and Maggie Smith are all reportedly keen to audition for the role of the heroine, Crow Flight.

British Surfers Step Up World Championship Training

2010-03-03T22:06:00.003Z

Sunday Science Supplement: Promiscuous females "help species"

2010-02-28T13:55:00.011Z

Scientists at Liverpool and Exeter Universities have criticised the criticism of single mothers with various children by different dads, in a study published in respected industry magazine, Biology Today.

Following a nine generation experiment, they have discovered that blood lines can become extinct if the mothers conceive only with one male and that females with more than one partner have less chance of producing female only broods, a major factor in the male of the species dying out and a species therefore becoming extinct.

An all-female brood can happen when all the 'male' Y chromosome sperm are killed before fertilisation, because of a sex-ratio distortion (SR) chromosome, with scientists concerned that all-female broods will pass the chromosome on to their sons, which would in turn lead to the doomsday scenario above.

Feminist commentators have been torn in two with the findings, with some proclaiming that monogamy should be made law in order to effect this outcome, ie. dispensing with men altogether, with others obliged to point out that it would ultimately lead to the extinction of women too, with environmentalists pitching in to say that as far as the Earth was concerned, that wouldn't be a bad thing. Clerics were vociferous in their condemnation of the scientists condoning the promiscuous behaviour of young women and attacking the sanctity of marriage.

The scientists at Liverpool and University are now regretting publishing their findings, fearing they've opened up a whole new can of worms, although they did find support for their thesis from the Professional Footballers Association.

Saturday Review: New Family Saloon Auto Game Most Expensive Yet

2010-02-27T17:10:00.004Z

Sega's next attempt at dominating the video games markets should hit the stands later in the year.

Costing approximately $150million dollars to make and being the first company to take on board the recommendations by child protection agencies, New Family Saloon Auto has groundbreaking visual technology to match the incredible storylines and fantastic soundtrack, which in itself is responsible for a huge portion of the price tag.

Among the nail-biting missions on offer: Supermarket Special - Day Trip to Bognor - All Aboard for Chessington and the most terrifying and dangerous of all - School Run.

And all to a thumping soundtrack comprising the cream of family favourites: Mr Blobby, Bob the Builder, The Tweenies and for mum and dad, some Perry Como.

Midsomer Murders in Porno Shock

2010-02-25T22:46:00.006Z

ITV are under fire tonight, for allowing the screening of an episode of crime drama Midsomer Murders which featured nudity and sex scenes at 4pm in the afternoon.

When yet another resident was found murdered, this time face down in a fish tank in the local pet shop, DCI Barnaby and DS Jones were seen discussing the case behind the rabbit cage - where two of the flopsy bunnies were going at it like ... like, well, rabbits *ahem*

A spokesman for the show said: "We thought it was hilarious, we were hoping Harry Hill would use it on TV Burp, but very disappointingly, he didn't."

However, irrespective of the criticism, touching and intimate farewell scenes featuring Barnaby and Jones lathering each other in a hot tub will still be screened, with the director saying they are essential to show the depth of their relationship, and setting the scene for strong bonds to be developed between Jones and the new Barnaby, as he joins them in the suds with a bottle of champagne and three flutes.

Turkey Officers in Coop Charges

2010-02-24T20:59:00.007Z

Bernard Matthews farmhands were left shocked and bewildered tonight, after turkey containment officers descended on their farm with tape measures and advised them that their coops were too small.

Having laboured long and hard to erect four new coops, the farmhands were taking a well deserved lunch break in the local pub, when an urgent message was sent via the neighbourhood telegraph, old Mrs Winton and her trusty mobile shopping bag.

Sighing wearily and wishing Bernard would just use a telephone like everyone else, the farmhands returned to the farm, where they faced charges of endangering the welfare of the free range turkeys being housed there ready for next Christmas.

Dancing on Ice Judge Jason Gardiner Witnesses Miracle!

2010-02-23T19:45:00.010Z

Dancing on Ice judge, Jason Gardiner, returned from his pilgrimage to Nottingham Ice Rink today, stating: " I witnessed a miracle!"

The controversial but cuddly judge had set off on Sunday night after his beliefs were called into question, dragging himself all the way to Nottingham to worship at the shrine he'd created - ice statues of his idols, St. Christopher and St. Jayne.

It was there that he found a puppy, barely alive, and laid the poor mite's body on the outstretched hands of the frozen in time 1984 Olympic champions. "And within seconds, literally, seconds, " a breathless, wide eyed with excitement Jason told us," the puppy bounded back to life and - he cried, he literally cried. It was the most amazing scene I've ever witnessed!"

A happy ending for the puppy, christened Jaynopher, seemed on the cards, until he cocked his leg against the statues. Screaming "BLASPHEMER" Jason kicked the puppy the length of the ice rink and fell to his knees frantically sponging the yellow stained ice with his claret and green spotted cravat.

However, it wasn't the puppy wee that proved to be his biggest problem - due to his fanatical reverence, the amount of candles Jason had placed around the statues were beginning to have an effect; were it not for Jason's quick thinking in knocking them all away with one elegant camel jump, his shrine would be all but a puddle.

A friend close to the owner of the ice rink stated: "I had no idea he was so athletic and supple" to which the puppy replied: "Of course he's supple - how else could he get his head that far up his own arse?"

Holly Willoughby's dress was designed by Phil Neville.

Sunday Supplement: Cheryl and Derek "Not an item"

2010-02-21T17:05:00.006Z

Despite spending time together watching the romantic film for our times, Valentines Day, on Valentines Day and following that with a cosy meal together at Maccy D's, friends have denied there is any basis for a relationship between the beautiful Cheryl Cole and the equally beautiful American dancer, Derek Hough, two years her junior.

And despite them being seen leaving Maccy D's licking their perfectly pouted lips, friends insist that there was no more to the relationship that a mutual love of Fillet o' Fish.

A spokeswoman for the couple also said that, despite Cheryl having spent a long, intimate weekend with the Hough family, where she routinely duetted with Derek's talented sister Julianne and recorded a country and western song with the Ballas Hough band, whilst learning some intricate line dances, this was a purely professional relationship with the gorgeous, hunky, talented young American and that ugly, cheating, miserable sod Ashley, really had nothing to worry about in the slightest.

Close family also insisted that despite being seen leaving a maternity hospital, clutching a foetal negative and clucking like a pair of mother hens, Cheryl and Derek were really just good friends, a fact only cemented further when Julianne was seen trying on hats in designer stores down Rodeo Drive just two days later.

Saturday Review: Fergie planning rock record with Slash

2010-02-20T22:06:00.005Z

The Duchess of York is setting out to record her dream album, with veteran Guns'n'Roses guitarist Slash.

Following the success of her first album, imaginatively titled 'The Duchess', the ex-wife of Prince Andrew, now colloquially known as Fergie, has rejected a return to folk band The New Seekers, who are said to be reforming this summer, in favour of becoming a rock chick, something she's always dreamed of being.

A close friend confided: "She always felt stifled before, always conscious of her position in society but now she feels the time has come and she must take her chance before it passes her by."

Fergie has been taking expert advice from both Cher and Bonnie Tyler in the art of being a rock goddesss and, following his sterling performance on PopStar to OperaStar, is hoping to hook up with Meat Loaf before the year is out.

Love Triangle Tears Apart Local Town

2010-02-18T17:34:00.005Z

British world champion squash player Rick O'Shea is at the heart of a tormented love triangle in his home town of Brayley Glen, when it was revealed that he cannot decide with whom his heart lies and keeps bouncing backwards and forwards between local garage owner, Jerry Cann and University biologist, Sarah Tonin.

Lovelorn Jerry has hired himself one of his own private limos and is hoping to jump start the relationship with a slap up meal on route to the world championships in Finland.

Sarah, meanwhile, is said to be working overtime on an irresistible pheromone concoction to entice Rick back to her side.

His coach and close friend for many years, Jock Strapp, said it's playing havoc with Rick plans to defend his world title, as he simply doesn't know if he's coming or going.

Mandelson Shock to Labour Party

2010-02-17T21:36:00.005Z

The Labour Part were in shock tonight, following a startling confession from Lord Peter Mandelson, who revealed:

"I was abducted by Aliens and taken to Uranus!"

An insider close to the cabinet said: "It would explain a lot."

Photo courtesy of PolicyNetwork’s flickr photostream

Hollywood Star Hathaway's Second Job Shock!

2010-02-16T21:53:00.006Z

Anne Hathaway has revealed how some Hollywood stars have had to take second jobs to make ends meet during the recession.

Unlike during the writers strike, when stars were able to put themselves up for adoption to receive the support they needed, the recession has seen few families coming forward to adopt this time round, with the result that skills picked up during their most recent films have had to be put to good use by the actors.

Anna Hathaway's customer service skills, learned from her character in hit ensemble film Valentine's Day, came in extremely handy when she was taken on by Citizen's Bank, as a telephony operator for the six month period after shooting the film ended.

Speaking about her ordeal, the dark haired beauty said:" You wouldn't believe some of the stuff people said to me - there was this one man, he actually asked me "Do you honestly expect me to keep a note of how much I pay in and how much I pay out?" when he was moaning about how much we'd charged him for repeatedly going overdrawn!" And I was like, well, yes. What a moron! Unfortunately I said that out loud and that's when they let me go."

Sunday Supplement: Come Dine With Me Faking Exposed

2010-02-14T19:16:00.007Z

Celebrity Chefs in Channel 4's dining reality show were left highly embarrassed when it was revealed that the food they present as their own is actually cooked by child labourers in China and imported specially for the show, where it's served up in special sets rather than the celebrities own homes.

A show insider was quick to point out that it's an obvious flaw in the show: " I can't understand why people are so surpised; clearly, if you're a celebrity, you're hardly going to spend your time actually cooking, are you? I mean, this isn't the BBC - John and Greg would never accept it in Masterchef, but this is Channel Four, for goodness sake."

We were equally quick to point out that it was actually the premise of the entire show so ....

"Oh, please - the celebs are only going on it for exposure, it's not like they're going to go home and carry on cooking is it. Honestly, most of them don't know a ladle from a set of tongs. You people are so naive."

Saturday TV Review: Robbie Thinks He Can Dance!

2010-02-13T17:10:00.009Z

Pop superstar, Robbie Williams, will again attempt to perform on a major UK reality show this evening, when he takes to the stage in place of injured finalist Robbie White.

Initially a misunderstanding, Robbie now won't let producers trim back his appearance on the show and is insisting on partnering both Lizzie and Charlie in one of their dances. A show insider said: "He just won't take no for an answer; we were only joking when we said 'Robbie W can't make it, let's put the other Robbie W in his place and see if anyone notices.'"

Close friends of the star were said to be concerned that Robbie might be taking on too much, bearing in mind the issues he previously experienced on the X-Factor, Strictly Come Dancing, I'm a Celebrity and Celebrity Big Brother.

Suffering the indiginity of being stuck in a lift, missing his cue and walking into a broom cupboard blighted the ex-Take That singer's guest appearances on those shows, and to this day he hasn't spoken of the day in the Australian jungle where he failed to appear, when his rucksack got caught in a tree branch, leaving him struggling to avoid an anthill for a heart stopping forty five seconds.

Plans for an apearance on Dancing on Ice have been abandoned. As Robbie's publicist acknowledged, Robbie and ice don't mix - unless it's at the bottom of a glass!

Judge Emma's Torture In Shared Dressing Room

2010-02-10T20:07:00.009Z

Former Strictly Come Dancing contestant turned Dancing on Ice judge Emma Bunton - rumours that she's replacing Davina in Got To Dance next year and choreographing the Pop Jazz numbers in the US version of So You Think You Can Dance have not yet been denied - has finally moved into her own dressing room after weeks of torture at the hands of fellow judge, Jason Gardiner.

A close friend told us: "It was a nightmare for Emma - she daren't leave any lippy lying around - and as for that seat belt effort Jason was wearing the other week - that was supposed to go round Emma's waist! Wardrobe left it with Jason for safe keeping, next thing you know, it's over his shoulder!"

And it wasn't just her clothes and make up disappearing that Emma was concerned with - her ceramic hair straighteners also went walkabout for two weeks. "She just can't bring herself to use them now," said the friend "because she just doesn't know what he used them on!"

Daily Scatter Editor in "Proper" Editorial Job Shock!

2010-02-08T21:44:00.002Z

Yes, it's true - which is why I've taken a few liberties with the definition of 'daily' lately, for which I apologise!

Having served my apprenticeship on The Daily Scatter for the past 18 months or so, I've been lucky enough to land the job of 'Community Publisher' for the Rochester Local People site - please visit me here, see if I can't tempt you to visit the place itself!

We've just gone live today, having spent the last week populating the site and I'm hopeful that normal service will resume here within a few days, I'm already getting withdrawal symptons!

Thanks for reading and for your comments - it's always encouraged me and kept me going - I will see you soon.

Jaye

Saturday News Review: Delayed Doherty Hit by Bagels

2010-02-06T22:27:00.007Z

When delays hit your weekend plans, it's usually of the kind associated with leaves on the line or the wrong kind of snow, logistical and timing issues we Brits are so used to.

But for Babyshambles star Pete Doherty, being somewhat different, it was the raging battle between New York Bagels and Morrison's own brand that proved so costly during his weekly shop.

With the own brand staging a demonstration against the New York Bagels, who refused to yield their space on the shelf in the bakery section, Doherty was forced to abandon his basket containing sugar, salt, talc, coke, self-raising flour and a copy of Take A Break, whom it's believed is offfering £150 for his true life story, after a dozen bagels pushed him aside in an effort to join the battle, leaving him badly shaken.

"Taking Pete shopping was all part of his ongoing rehabilitation process," stated a close friend, sadly. "I fear this little episode will set him back months."

"Blade" Found in Baby's Shoe!

2010-02-04T22:29:00.003Z

The parents of a four day old baby were shocked to discover actor Wesley Snipes hiding in one of their son's new shoes, when they dressed him after a day out in the Medway Towns.

Questions were immediately being raised at the Primani outlet in Chatham's High Street, as to how the Hollywood star, wearing thick black leather and carrying a four foot iron sword, could have managed to hide inside the tiny shoe box and make it home with the young family.

The baby boy was said to be doing well, although was rejecting his milk and preferring to bite his mother, who said: "I just thought he'd started teething a bit early."

"Has Attenborough Retired Yet?"

2010-02-03T22:33:00.003Z

Sammy the Seal proves clerics point that evolution is a bad thing.

Co-operative Targets M&S Food

2010-02-02T17:43:00.005Z

Following the unveiling of the Co-op's new brand of Ambient Sausage Rolls, which are being snapped up at twice the price of their normal sausage rolls, the Co-op have brought forward plans to roll out a whole host of super foods to compete with the upper echelons of food retailers.

Atmospheric Bean Sprouts, Jaunty Spaghetti, Creative Cauliflowers and Cosmic Peaches are set to join the Ambient Sausages Rolls in expensive packaging covered with pretty pictures, in an effort to part hard-working families with more cash, in the belief that the foods - which are all made and pakaged in exactly the same place as the budget brand - will taste better and be healthier, just because the advert says so.

"We're exceedingly pleased with the early results," said a spokesman for the Co-op. "The new sausage rolls have captured the imagination of shoppers, leaving them feeling happier and healthier at this dreary time of year."

Sunday Supplement: Blaine to Blame for Vanishing Midwives?

2010-01-31T21:33:00.013Z

Health chief across the NHS held emergency talks this week, when it became apparent there were more and more cases of fathers to be having to deliver their own babies.

The evidence is stacking up against the American magician David Blaine - the latest incident in Blackburn saw a father-to-be witness his wife's midwife vanish before his eyes - Blaine was appearing at a local theatre just yards away; in Liverpool, the same happened to a young woman giving birth in the street, attended by an off duty midwife - Blaine was working the local shopping centre, and, sure enough - the off duty midwife disappeared before the baby popped into the world. Passers by on that occasion finished off, a paramedic unit luckily appearing within a few minutes - adding to the speculation that for every disappearance, an appearance also takes place and in most cases, the people concerned are swapped with each other.

Experts are convinced that Blaine is unaware of the catastophe and confusion he is causing, especially in the case of the midwife who was swapped with a taxidermist.

Saturday Film Review: Woods Wants McEvoy as Hobbit

2010-01-30T13:54:00.011Z

Friends and family of Lord of the Rings star Elijah Woods are today remaining tight lipped about the star's whereabouts, after he fantasised aloud about dressing British actor James McEvoy up as a Hobbit and taking him on a quest. Other pals however, state that Elijah has become somewhat obsessed by Hobbits since his seventeen years filming the epic trilogy.

Elijah's agent dismissed the reported comments, saying his client was "clearly joking", even though he was found rummaging through the studio's wardrobe department at the time, looking for the big, fake feet he and the other actors wore for filming.

Privately, a close friend admitted that Elijah had a bit of a thing for James, after seeing him as Mr. Tumnus in the Chronicles of Narnia. He also revealed that Elijah had spent a fortune voting for Chris Hollins and Ola Jordan to win Strictly Come Dancing, and that he cleared his bank account out to pay his phone bill when the BBC announced that the semi-final was down to public vote only.

"We're all very concerned about the cost of voting for Dancing on Ice now," said the close friend. "He's taken a real shine to Danny Young and is badgering the studio to come up with a long lost brother for Bilbo."

Davina's Terror in Big Brother House

2010-01-28T17:51:00.006Z

Davina McCall vowed "Never again!" when she finally escaped the clutches of the celebrities in the Big Brother house last night.

Sent in undercover, the hostess, who's never entered before when the house is occupied, said she was shocked and disgusted by the rankness of the celebrities. Fearing that intimate snaps of them naked might find their way out onto the internet, the celebs have refused to bathe or shower, with the result that even the toughest plug-in air fresheners are making little difference.

"That's probably because they're always on the go and the automatic air freshener is puffing every few seconds," said a spokesman for programme makers, Endemol. "So they've all got used to it now - and it's the same one Davina uses, so she couldn't differentiate either."

Ms McCall, who is also presenting Sky's Got To Dance reality show, is said to be recovering well from her ordeal.

Dairy Lea to replace Dairy Milk

2010-01-27T19:51:00.010Z

Following the possible takeover of Cadbury by food giants Kraft, supermarkets were reporting a run on Creme Eggs, to the extent they were now becoming a rarity and fetching more money on Ebay than Faberge Eggs.

With chocoholics panicking over the possible loss of some of the iconic lines such as Buttons, petitions were piling into Cadbury headquarters, with at least half the population voicing their concerns.

Cadbury denied reports that Royal Bank of Scotland Chairman, Sir Stephen Hester, was the major Cadbury shareholder driving forward the deal with Kraft, although they agreed he would be in a win/win situation, with the monies from his shares there adding to the profit the bank will make on the back of the loan with Kraft and therefore driving up the costs of his share related bonus in RBS. "But there's no truth in that rumour," said a Cadbury spokesman, "so could you please refrain from printing it?"

They also denied reports that the renovations about to be undertaken on Bournville House were being carried out by Sir Fred Goodwin's property company. "Absolutely not!" stated the Cadbury spokesman vehemently. "I just don't know where you get half your information, I truly don't, but you're completely irresponsible in starting such nasty rumours."

And the fate of Creme Eggs?

"No Comment."

Aliens Confused by Satellites

2010-01-26T18:40:00.006Z

Heads of State throughout the world breathed a huge, slow sigh of relief today, when the founder of S.E.T.I revealed that alien life forms are being thrown off course by interference from the digital satellites orbiting Earth.

Dr Frank Drake, who founded the Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence agency fifty years ago, said he was gutted that the chances of now communicating with the life forms on Mars and Venus was diminishing by the day, as more and more people switched from analogue.

The scientist firmly believes that the aliens who may have tried to visit us will no longer be able to follow the trail left by transmissions, and even those who have been here before would struggle to return without the same guidance.

"Let's be honest," he said, "unless the alien navigators are of the female persuasion, who can follow their noses (if they have any) or can stop off along the way to ask another species, they haven't the faintest chance of making it here."

Woman Trips On Picasso

2010-01-25T18:05:00.015Z

A priceless work of art was almost ruined today, when a woman attending a drug rehabilitation seminar in New York's Metropolitan Museum of Art, overdosed on a fellow attendee's batch of fake Paloma Picasso perfume, Women's EDP.

Thelma Chrystalmeth Foy, 52, lost her balance following exposure to the 30ml Eau de Toilette, but carried on spraying, seemingly out of control. Bashing into the dividing bamboo screens in the Silk and Bamboo exhibition, Thelma's fall was cushioned by her landing onto Tracy Emin's unmade bed, exhibiting at the gallery for the next three weeks.

Not feeling herself, Thelma didn't realise it was an exhibit and set about straightening the sheets and shaking out the duvet, whipping off the linen off before security guards could stop her. Whilst much if the damage was easily repaired, the focus point of the piece was completely destroyed.

Ms Emin is expected to fly in next week to re-soil the fitted sheet. Ms Chrystalmeth Foy was said to be recovering, although she may look a little worse for wear for some days.

Sunday Television Supplement: Royal's Upmarket Response to Dave

2010-01-24T13:44:00.012Z

Clarence House has decided to enter the fray of commercial television, with their very own broadcasts from their royal residences.

The Queen herself has written and will star in sitcom One's Family, charting the trials and tribulations of many an annus horribilis, but on a Friday night at 7.30pm every week, with an hilarious turn from Prince Philip as a grumpy old man who just sits in an armchair demanding drink and girls all the time.

Prince Charles will be introducing coverage of the Real Tennis finals and the Polo World Cup, while wife Camilla hosts the all new All Star Lords and Ladies. Meanwhile, in a major reconciliation, Paul Burrell will chart the hysterical exploits of a personal assistant to wide boy Prince Harry, in the everyday story, Valet.

Finally, Dame Kiri Te Kanawa will present the royal's very own reality show So You Think You Can Sing Opera in a Horse Drawn Carriage, where lesser known members of the family not on the civil list will compete to be the most famous member of the royal family not on the civil list.

Tristram TV will be available on Digital, Freeview, in HD and will debut on April 1st.

Saturday Music Review: The Real "Busted"

2010-01-23T14:52:00.021Z

The origins of the Harlan Howard song that gave Ray Charles his 1963 #4 in the Billboard Hot 100, Busted, have come to light, scribbled on the back of a beer crate, following a clearout of the songwriters home. With the original lyrics seemingly deemed unsuitable for the palates of the pop buying public of the time, they underwent a radical change before Charles or indeed, Johnny Cash, were allowed to record the catchy number.

A song that would grace any decade, particularly one blighted by recession, it's seen as an anthem by those struggling to make ends meet in tough times, however, it seems it wasn't financial constraints that were on Howard's mind when he wrote the original.

With young people de-sensitised to the less fragrant aspects of society, we feel it's time that Howard's song be given the credit such insightful songwriting deserves. Here, in all it's glory, the story of Howard's beano to Margate on a coach with his mates can finally be told.

Wasted

The toilet’s engaged, they’re taking an age and I’m wasted
I just gotta go, the tortoise head’s low and I’m wasted
My bum's really sore, gut’s the size of a store, the traffic cone’s stuck where it’s forbidden by law and my mates are insisting on downing one more, so I’m wasted

The pong is so strong, we cleared the bar throng and we’re wasted
The barmaid she said we are all drunken bums and we’re wasted
We’re all botty burping, our tummies all hurting, the toilet is blocked, the vicar defrocked and the barmaid’s fed up with our slurping, we’re so wasted

The wife wears a frown when I trip and fall down, I’m still wasted
She refused to be wooed, there was puke on my shoe, cos I’m wasted.
The kids staged a coup and my poo is like glue, she said I’d be better off in a zoo, it’s time to lay down but I can’t stop spinning round cos I’m wasted.

Press Invaded by Time Lords!

2010-01-21T19:45:00.017Z

It's one of those "Where were you when it happened" moments, a happening in history forever etched in the minds and souls of humanity: in an amazing breakthrough, journalists have managed to fit almost an extra forty minutes into an hour, stretching the space time continuum in a way we can all benefit.

Initially an experiment, to ensure that all twelve remaining couples got an even amount of air time on this weekend's Dancing on Ice, sage journalists also discovered they could use the same methodology to explain the extra time afforded to Manchester United, whenever they were losing.

A scientist working at the Large Hadron Collider said they would be sending a contingent of experts to the public houses in and around Fleet Street, to gauge the extent the discovery could aid them in their quest for the answer to life, the universe and everything.

Brit Winter Sport Stars Make Front Page Shock!

2010-01-20T21:29:00.012Z

Our reigning World Champion Bobsleigh partnership finally made it on to the front pages of the news headlines today, following the latest round of the World Cup in St.Moritz.

Nicola Minichiello and Gillian Cooke were just about to set off, when Gillian tore off her racesuit to bare all, in the hope of attracting a sponsor for their Olympic challenge.

Shelly Rudman has now vowed to ride topless in her next event in order to get the recognition she derserves, while partner Kristan Bromley is putting together a Chippendale style Bobsleigh squad to tour the country when the Vancouver Winter Olympics are over.

"I can't beleive we've been knocking ourselves out training to win the damn competitions, in order to get some recongnition and some sponsorship, when all we needed to do was strip for it!" said a shocked Bromley, as he was measured up for his velcro trousers.

Gillian confirmed however, that the only enquiries she'd received since the exposure was from the Marks and Spencer Lingerie manager.

Human "Bed Warming" Service Launched

2010-01-19T17:04:00.015Z

Holiday Inn today announced a new business partnership with entrepreneur Belle De Jour, by launching a human Bed Warming Service at all their establishments in the UK and around the world.

Coinciding with a new ITV series of her life story The Secret Diary of a Call Girl, Belle will be instructing the "bed-warmers" and coaching them to achieve the new Level Two Diploma that is being developed to ensure a professional manner is maintained at all times.

Holiday Inn's owners denied they were involved in any kind of illegal solicitation activity and pointed out that Belle was actually a respected astro-physics scientist and the special bed-warming suit - known as the BirthdaySuit - was in fact a design of her very own.

A spokesman for the company added: "We had the same fuss when we introduced the massage parlours and adult toy and lingerie shops to the Holiday Express brand, but the fears some people had were never realised, as they were proven to be legitimate business enterprises. This latest innovation clears the way for the implementation of our final service, the lap dancing club."

JayZ Shocked by Eminem's Clothing

2010-01-18T20:17:00.009Z

Superstar JayZ spoke for the first time today about the shock he had upon finding out that his rap star friend had an underwear fetish.

"Bey and I had invited him round for dinner and things were going swimmingly, until he asked to use the bathroom - we had no idea at the time, but when Bey went in there later, her winter warmers were missing from the clothes horse over the bathtub."

Her winter warmers?

"Sure - thermal stockings, knickers, vests - you know the kind of thing. She couldn't find them anywhere - but we noticed that Em's jeans were fitting a little more snugly than normal and when I hugged him goodnight, I realised - he'd put them all on! I mean, he only had to ask, if he was chilly, Bey would've gladly lent him some. But then we found out, he wasn't chilly - I thought maybe he had a bit of a thing for Bey, but then I thought, nah. I mean, she's alright, just not his type."

Initially fearing a chesty cold, Beyonce was rushed to a local Wal-Mart, where she was fortunately able to replace the missing undies with a special BOGOF offer underway.

Sunday Shopping Supplement: Susan Boyle's Bags

2010-01-17T14:10:00.011Z

Forget Vuitton, D&G and Gucci, with the opening of the on-line Subo shops, celebrities and ordinary folk alike have been rushing to buy the latest must-have: The Boyle in the Bag Bag.

With amazing brave designs, the scratch and sniff bags are available in many different designs and smells, with the budget Cod in Butter Bag and Cod in Parsley Bag proving especially popular at just £35 each, all though the early favourite amongst builders wives is the All-Day Breakast Baked Beanie Bag, a snip at just £75.

The single most expensive item in the range is Susan's special Bunny Boyler Bag, complete with lucky rabbits foot charms and a special scratch and sniff rabbit stew aroma, a trophy for the A-Listers as £499. Reports are that it's flying off the shelves, particularly from the airport franchises.

Saturday Review: So You Think You Can Dance's Robbie Reflects

2010-01-16T14:01:00.020Z

So You Think You Can Dance finalist, Robbie White, has finally admitted being a member of the undead, but says he doesn't need or want any special treatment from either the judges or the fans of the iconic dance show.

"It wouldn't be fair on the rest of the guys, because we all here to dance and where we came from or what we look like shouldn't sway anyone; it's all about the dancing."

And let's face it, vampires are the new sex-gods, aren't they, and have no need of rules and regulations demanding equality and status. You can have what you want anytime.

"Oh, I dont know about that," he mused, when we caught up with him over a Jaffa cake and a packet of 'O' Negative in the BBC canteen. "Times have changed, since Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, everyone thinks they're a slayer!"

In fact, the only concession the producers have made so far is to ensure Robbie is spray-tanned before each show, as his vampiric countenance was causing reflection difficulties for the camera crew.

" I still don't understand why the wardrobe ladies need me completely naked though," he says, shyly, smiling as a besotted tea lady brought over a tray and laid a serviette over his lap. "I mean, I was wearing tails last week, for my foxtrot with Yanet, so I figured they'd only need to do my neck and face. And I've Hip Hop this week, so I said I'll be in long sleeves again, but they still insisted."

Robbie, 279, whose true-life story was portrayed by American actor James Marsters in cult TV series Buffy, said he was thrilled to learn the auditions and show would take place through the Winter, offering some protection from the sun's rays.

"It can be a real bind, walking everywhere under a blanket, or wearing leathers and motorcycle helmet all the time," he said, adding, "but I couldn't be more thrilled - this is the self same spray tan booth as used by the legendary John Sargeant in Strictly Come Dancing. I only hope that some of the popularity vibe he had will rub off on me."